slim255 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hi guys just a couple of questions I would like some advice on. I met my girlfriend off a dating website, we have now been going out for four weeks, she lives in another town one hour drive from me, we have been spending heaps of time together, everyweek I will go up and stay with her or she will come down here, one or two days during the week I will go up and stay with her for the night. Things are going really well, we really enjoy each others company and getting out and doing things together. The sex is great too. We met off a dating website about 3 weeks before we got togther, she had met other guys off there too, some she didn’t like and some she did like, some she liked but didn’t like her in that way, so a real mix of guys. she was on there for about 5 months, in the end im the lucky guy that got to date her. One of the other guys she met off the website she met up with a few times, she quite liked him but he ended up going over seas on work for 3 months,she never realized he liked her until he was over seas 9this was all before I came along) she told him that she wouldn’t wait around for him to come back if someone else came along. This guy that is over seas will be back in the country in two weeks time, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone lastnight and she told me she promised him a while ago that she would go and pick him up from the airport when he gets back into the country, she would have to drive about 2 hours to get to the city that the airport is in. She asked me if I was ok with her doing that, I pretty much told her that its entirely up to her, but she wants a yes or no from me as if I say no she wont go up. Also a couple of guys she has been talking to on MSN for a while that she found on the website, she would like to meet up with them just for a beer or whatever, she says she is friends with them and would just be nice to meet up again she asked me if I want her to or not. What do you think guys? She has always been 100% honest with me, she tells me everything and I trust her but im finding this rather weird her going and picking up that guy and her meeting up with other guys she had met off this website. Any advice would be much appreciated.
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Don't know what advice to give you as your relationship is so young. All I know is that for me, when I am on dating sites, I sometimes offer "let's be friends" but I rarely follow through. There are 2 reasons. (1) I am there to find dates, and to find someone to continue to date, not to make friends. (2) I know that it wouldn't be fair for me, if I found a gf on a dating site, for me to be hanging out with other women I met on the site. I don't like putting my gf's in positions like that where they could feel discomfort. A gf would not be jealous or irrational to feel discomfort in that situation. I would say that it is fine for her to meet these guys...if you are invited too...the reason being...if they are JUST friends, then surely they could meet her boyfriend, and if it were awkward of hurtful to them, then they aren't really friends.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Okay so she's your girlfriend but she still wants to date other dudes off the site? Then tell her the solution is simple. We have a FWB relationship and I get to see other women of my choosing until we solidify our relationship. If she cant deal with that, then bounce. If she's cool roll with it! Good luck to you.
Lovegod Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You've been together for four weeks. She's meeting up with other guys. I would say that you're not in a committed relationship with her, and you are free to see other women. Perhaps you should bring this subject up with her, that you're going to go meet some female aquaintances for a round of mini-golf or rollerskating. If she doesn't like that, then perhaps you should have a discussion about the exclusitivity of your relationship, and let her know that you will not be exclusive with a woman who is seeing other guys, even if they are "just friends".
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You've been together for four weeks. She's meeting up with other guys. I would say that you're not in a committed relationship with her, and you are free to see other women. Perhaps you should bring this subject up with her, that you're going to go meet some female aquaintances for a round of mini-golf or rollerskating. If she doesn't like that, then perhaps you should have a discussion about the exclusitivity of your relationship, and let her know that you will not be exclusive with a woman who is seeing other guys, even if they are "just friends". Good advice. It would have saved me hastles in past relationships. Unless you can come along to meet these men, then your relationship is not solidified. I know when I am committed, if I meet a new woman I would like as a friend, well, tough luck. I'll only invite her out in a group situation. This isn't something to cause a big fight over. I'd do what lovegod suggested. See how she reacts. As far as I am concerned, however, it does not matter if you have been exclusive for 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years. Once you agree to exclusivity, you act like it. If your definition is different from hers, you need to align those differences. It doesn't have to be some big fight or conversation.
Jilly Bean Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 If it smells like a duck, walks like a duck... Yes, of course it is wrong for her to go off and meet new guys from a dating site! (that is, if she agreed to be exclusive with you). It's not like she's hanging out with high school buddies, she is out actively seeking new relationships. So, I think she is solidly telling you that she is dating other guys, and that you are not in a committed, exclusive relationship at all. If I were you, I would date other women.
Author slim255 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I did ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed, she said she would be jealous, apparently these are guys she has been talking to for a while on msn and has become friends with, she just wants to meet them for a friendly beer. Should I see that as her not being fully comited to me and wanting to test the water with other guys? Also what do you guys think of her going up and picking the guy up form the airport.?
Jilly Bean Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Slim, that is exactly how you should view it. Her picking up the guy at the airport is whacked. If you watch Seinfeld, then you know that the airport run is a VERY relationshippy thing to do, and for some reason, that is entirely true. I would not drive 2 hours to the airport to pick up a guy I did not have romantic feelings for. Just being honest. That's a huge effort, and I would think he had other family or friends who could fetch him.
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I did ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed, she said she would be jealous, apparently these are guys she has been talking to for a while on msn and has become friends with, she just wants to meet them for a friendly beer. Should I see that as her not being fully comited to me and wanting to test the water with other guys? Also what do you guys think of her going up and picking the guy up form the airport.? Bullshi*!!!! A friendly bar meet as at the bar is an invitation to sex, and she's placing herself like a piece of tbone steak in a den of hungry wolves. Tell her to stop the BS. She wants her cake and eat it too. If she doesnt want you to have friendly get togethers with other females then she remains true. All in all, you shouldnt be even dealing with a chick like this, She's not relationship material. Sounds immature and doesnt understand things. The only way you should deal with her is on her back with her legs in the air. Sorry it's just the way I feel.
Lovegod Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I did ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed, she said she would be jealous, apparently these are guys she has been talking to for a while on msn and has become friends with, she just wants to meet them for a friendly beer. So, she gets to have her cake and eat it too while you remain unhappy with her. Sounds like it's time to ditch her. If you cannot solve these kinds of problems in the beginning of the relationship, they will continue to get worse over time.
scratch Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 She told me she promised him a while ago that she would go and pick him up from the airport when he gets back into the country, she would have to drive about 2 hours to get to the city that the airport is in. She asked me if I was ok with her doing that, I pretty much told her that its entirely up to her, but she wants a yes or no from me as if I say no she wont go up. Also a couple of guys she has been talking to on MSN for a while that she found on the website, she would like to meet up with them just for a beer or whatever, she says she is friends with them and would just be nice to meet up again she asked me if I want her to or not. What do you think guys? She has always been 100% honest with me, she tells me everything and I trust her but I'm finding this rather weird her going and picking up that guy and her meeting up with other guys she had met off this website. Two specific points and two general ones: 1. If she is asking your permission to pick up the guy, you're wise to let her know the final decision is hers, but there's no harm in telling her you'd prefer she not go. 2. Offer to participate in her interactions with these guys. It may be a little awkward, but if she's on the level about just wanting to be friends, and the guys know her situation and only want the same thing, you both may meet some cool people out of the deal. Honestly, I'm skeptical that the guys will still want to be friends with her under those circumstances, but it's not beyond the realm of possibility. Do you think you could be comfortable with meeting them together? If not, you don't trust the situation as much as you claim to (or want to, to be fair). On to the general stuff: 3. Apologies for the caps, but I really want to drive this home. When posting here on any thread, IGNORE ALL THE IDIOTS WHO OFFER PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ADVICE. Spiting someone to prove a point may seem neat or funny in theory, but in reality will provide, at best, a pyhrric victory. Applied here, don't try to teach her a lesson by threatening to have female friends. Just discuss boundaries (to the extent you feel it's appropriate to have them at this early stage) like grownups. 4. Communicate. If you start a thread about having trouble with something a friend/girlfriend/whatever is doing, show them the goddamn thread! Stop trying to figure out answers only from total strangers (yes, I see the irony) and include the other person in the solution. If the community here could somehow collectively ignore requests for help until the poster also shows the question to the object of their question, we'd be doing a far greater service.
dbtmarley Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 And I mean it... She has become a pro dater off the website and would probably continue to lurk it even after the both of you decide to be exclusive. Just be careful. She is meeting these guys not because they are friends... No!! She is meeting these guys because they are prospects... She probably asked you how you felt about it because other guys she met off the site did mind.. Don't ask her if she minds you seeing other women, tell her you are! Treat her good... in a booty call kinda way;).
Lovegod Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 IGNORE ALL THE IDIOTS WHO OFFER PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE ADVICE. Applied here, don't try to teach her a lesson by threatening to have female friends. Did I say he should threaten her? HELL NO. Threats don't do 5hit. He SHOULD go out with other women because according to her behavior, he's in an open relationship. She needs to take him seriously and respect how he feels about her seeing random guys off the net if she wants to be in an exclusive relationship with him. If she is unwilling to do that, she should be tossed away like yesterday's garbage. 4. Communicate. If you start a thread about having trouble with something a friend/girlfriend/whatever is doing, show them the goddamn thread! Hey baby! Quit being a wh0re and give Mr.Slim255 the respect he deserves.
Jilly Bean Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Slim - I'd also suggest double-wrapping if you plan on continuing to sleep with her. Girls like this are often busy busy! But I think if you are looking for a relationship, then, as someone else mentioned, this girl is not relationship material. If you are content to date her while she is dating other guys, then great. Otherwise, you deserve to have someone in your life who is on the same page...
scratch Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Did I say he should threaten her? HELL NO. Threats don't do 5hit. He SHOULD go out with other women because according to her behavior, he's in an open relationship. She needs to take him seriously and respect how he feels about her seeing random guys off the net if she wants to be in an exclusive relationship with him. If she is unwilling to do that, she should be tossed away like yesterday's garbage. There are far worse offenders regarding passive aggressiveness than you, but what you posted here was a threat: Perhaps you should bring this subject up with her, that you're going to go meet some female aquaintances for a round of mini-golf or rollerskating. I couldn't agree more that he shouldn't tolerate her going out alone with friends she met off dating sites, but you're suggesting that he pretend that he's okay with it and then try to get her jealous by teaching her a lesson. This behavior makes men look weak in the eyes of women, in my experience. Hey baby! Quit being a wh0re and give Mr.Slim255 the respect he deserves. No joke, Slim. Show her this thread. Let it be the starting point for the two of you discussing this. The fact that the consensus here finds her behavior whorish may open her eyes a bit.
Lovegod Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 but you're suggesting that he pretend that he's okay with it and then trying to get her jealous by teaching her a lesson. There is no lesson to teach here. If she wants to see other guys, then he has the right to see other women. This behavior makes men look weak in the eyes of women, in my experience. I agree, if it's a threat. If she knows he'll go through with it, he is no longer weak.
scratch Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 There is no lesson to teach here. If she wants to see other guys, then he has the right to see other women. I agree, if it's a threat. If she knows he'll go through with it, he is no longer weak. Look at the situation objectively. This guy is an online dater. He said "I'm the lucky guy who won her." He's probably in his twenties, in a relatively rural community, and possessing limited education. If he (not you, an experienced guy in his thirties who is confident about his options), said he was going to spend time with other women, wouldn't it be a threat offered up in hopes of proving a point?
Lovegod Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You know scratch, your post makes me wonder why I waste my time on here. Well, at least I get lots of attention and a few laughs, so it's not completely fruitless
scratch Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You know scratch, your post makes me wonder why I waste my time on here. Lots of the stuff you post is good and helpful. In this case, you're trying to teach someone to run when they've not yet learned to walk. I'd imagine you're here for the same reason I am; it's amusing to discuss the topics.
Lovegod Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I'd imagine you're here for the same reason I am; it's amusing to discuss the topics. Yeah, pretty much. It's also fun to see the reaction when you post something that doesn't go along with society's standards. I also like being a broken record... Cut contact and move on .... Cut contact and move on .... Cut contact and move on .... Cut contact and move on .... Cut contact and move on .... Cut contact and move on .... Cut contact and move on ....
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This girl might not see these interactions as dates, and she seems understanding of his feelings. I think he needs to tell her "we agreed to be exclusive. You met these guys on a dating site. I'm not comfortable with you seeing them given the context. I can't tell you that you can't, but if you really want to, to me that indicates we rushed into commitment too soon."
Author slim255 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Quite some responses, Shes not sleeping with or seeing other guys, I guess if she was she wouldn’t have asked me if it was ok for her to meet these guys. Shes a lovly girl and is not the sort to sleep around, she never has before, never had one night stands or anything like that. She’s 26 im 25. I have met some of her family she has met some of mine. I didn’t see her wanting to have a friendly beer with these guys as a date, now that some of you have mentioned it it has got me thinking and a little worried Thanks for your replies.
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 In her eyes, it might not be a date. What matters is if the guys she meet have interest. She shouldn't be going out with guys that have an interest in her. This doesn't have to be a big deal. Just say "given the context of you having met these guys on a dating site, I'm not very comfortable with you meeting them. If you really feel they are only interested in friendship, can we compromise, and I come along too?" How is her social life? I don't need to be friends with the women I meet on dating sites. I go on dating sites to find dates. It is quite possible she does want to harmlessly meet them as just friends. What it comes down too, however, is you can't really trust them unless you can witness their interactions.
Author slim255 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 She quite often tells me how happy she is with me, shes always messaging my phone telling me she misses me, she gets really excited about seeing me. We are constantly in contact with each other, talk on the phone every night, there wouldn’t be much more than two hours between phone messages during the day. I could go on…… She doesn’t really have much of a social life, she moved to the town shes in a year ago and doesn’t have tons of friends. Its now worrying me.
EYECANDY000 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 this relationship is fairly new. I wouldnt be satisfied knowing that I have met someone and we have decided to be exclusive but they still feel the need to meet other people. I would ask her if it is ok if you go out with other feemale friends as well. Going to pick up some guy at the airport who she really liked and meeting all these random guys for beers is total disrepect for you. Its great that shes being 100% honest and not sneaking around your back. But thats the only ladder she can stand on.. Everything else is total direspect! you need to talk to her asap
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