herenow Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I thought this would be good place to share a conversation I had with a friend of mine and her husband who had an affair. My friend was aware of what happened in my marriage. When my H moved out, it was hard to keep the truth from people who I'm close to, and she was one that I confided in. When she found out that her H was having an affair, she felt it would be good for them to talk to us. Both my H and I had no problem with it, so we all got together and talked. At one point I asked him how he could say that he has always loved hs wife and at the same time have sex with another woman. He said that if he knew that his affair would jeopardize his marriage, he would have never even spoke to the OW. WTF, how could he not realize that affairs destroy marriages? After talking for a while, I actually believe that he didn't think he was risking anything. I still can't understand how he could believe that, but he did. I bring this up because I think that there are many MM or MW who have affairs and they really don't think they are risking anything. It's a game that they play until they get caught and then reality hits them in the face. So when we ask: How can someone say they love their spouse and cheat on them?, maybe the person cheating doesn't realize the depth of that love until they are about to lose it, and then they know how devastating their actions have been to everyone involved. I'm not saying this is an excuse in any way, I'm just sharing a story.
heftysmurf Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I am struggling right now with that. I wonder how they do not get it and if they ever do and will they ever. I get it obviously. I am a BS
Cobra_X30 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 At one point I asked him how he could say that he has always loved hs wife and at the same time have sex with another woman. He said that if he knew that his affair would jeopardize his marriage, he would have never even spoke to the OW. WTF, how could he not realize that affairs destroy marriages? After talking for a while, I actually believe that he didn't think he was risking anything. I still can't understand how he could believe that, but he did. Odd. I just posted on this myself. Some people take action without considering the consequences. I can believe that of a one night stand. However, with an ongoing affair, it would require someone who is truely lacking any form of judgement or rudimentary intelligence. More than likely, your H did not feel that he would get caught, or that if he did you would not leave him. Was he wrong? No, he wasnt. He is still your husband. Therefore his risk vs. reward analysis was correct. You find that hard to believe because to think otherwise provides insight you do not want.
reboot Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I bring this up because I think that there are many MM or MW who have affairs and they really don't think they are risking anything. It's a game that they play until they get caught and then reality hits them in the face. So when we ask: How can someone say they love their spouse and cheat on them?, maybe the person cheating doesn't realize the depth of that love until they are about to lose it, and then they know how devastating their actions have been to everyone involved.I think there's a lot of truth to this. I'm sure it's not always the case, but I've known people that cheated that never had any intention of leaving their marriage (some of them got booted out and seemed quite surprised by it). I'm fairly sure, in my own case, that my wife never seriously considered leaving me. I agree though that it's pretty mind boggling for someone to not even consider that cheating could lead to the end of their marriage.
cj1988 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Well, that may be true in many cases, but not in mine....my H denies it all and treats me worse not better....so what about that !
reboot Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Well, that may be true in many cases, but not in mine....my H denies it all and treats me worse not better....so what about that !What about it?
Author herenow Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Odd. I just posted on this myself. Some people take action without considering the consequences. I can believe that of a one night stand. However, with an ongoing affair, it would require someone who is truely lacking any form of judgement or rudimentary intelligence. More than likely, your H did not feel that he would get caught, or that if he did you would not leave him. Was he wrong? No, he wasnt. He is still your husband. Therefore his risk vs. reward analysis was correct. You find that hard to believe because to think otherwise provides insight you do not want. Please don't turn this into another thread about what a fool I was to give him another chance and that he will cheat again blah, blah , blah. Why is it that anyone who stays in a marriage must be in denial and unwilling to see some "insight" that they don't want to see? I don't have the time or care enough to show you how flawed your thinking is when it comes to my situation, so I will just let you believe whatever you want about me. I'm not going to bore everyone with my story again and this post isn't about my marriage. This is just a point of view that I thought would be interesting to share on the infidelity board.
Author herenow Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Odd. I just posted on this myself. Some people take action without considering the consequences. I can believe that of a one night stand. However, with an ongoing affair, it would require someone who is truely lacking any form of judgement or rudimentary intelligence. More than likely, your H did not feel that he would get caught, or that if he did you would not leave him. Was he wrong? No, he wasnt. He is still your husband. Therefore his risk vs. reward analysis was correct. You find that hard to believe because to think otherwise provides insight you do not want. I couldn't find your other post about this. Where is it? I would like to read it. I have a meeting to go to now, but I will come back tonight if I have the time.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Please don't turn this into another thread about what a fool I was to give him another chance and that he will cheat again blah, blah , blah. Why is it that anyone who stays in a marriage must be in denial and unwilling to see some "insight" that they don't want to see? I don't have the time or care enough to show you how flawed your thinking is when it comes to my situation, so I will just let you believe whatever you want about me. I'm not going to bore everyone with my story again and this post isn't about my marriage. This is just a point of view that I thought would be interesting to share on the infidelity board. I'm not calling you a fool! I apologize if I came across that way. Were I in your situation I would more than likely do and say very similar things. So, fine... I dont understand you or your situation. However, I am still correct in the general theory. If I am wrong, please correct me, because as you aptly point out... this isnt just about your life. Tell me. Why do you think that adulterers do not feel thier marriage is at risk?
Author herenow Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I'm not calling you a fool! I apologize if I came across that way. Were I in your situation I would more than likely do and say very similar things. So, fine... I dont understand you or your situation. However, I am still correct in the general theory. If I am wrong, please correct me, because as you aptly point out... this isnt just about your life. Tell me. Why do you think that adulterers do not feel thier marriage is at risk? I never said all adulterers, I did say "I think" that many do not realize that they risk their marriage ending while they are having an affair. At least this guy didn't. And, I said that I don't understand how they can feel that way, so I can't answer you question. Maybe someone else can. Also, I would never say anyone is wrong about their opinion. People may be wrong when they state things about my situation, but I can't speak for anyone but myself. So, you may be 100% correct in you general theory, I'm not the one to dispute that at all. I have to go now, I will try to come back tonight. I would still like to read your other post. I always like to see what people have to say even if I may not always agree.
Leia Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I know the cheaters I came across just wanted some fun. They never had any intention to leave their marriages at all. I am glad I had it in me to end it as soon as I found out about their lies.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Here's one direct from my ex-H's mouth: I never thought I would be caught.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 At the time, the cheater is high on the new relationship. Sort of like an addiction. They only care about getting their next fix. That makes them disregard any feelings of guilt etc because most seriously never think they will get caught. They all think their new relationships are "different" and "special". They will do almost anything to get their "fix" of the other partner.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Please don't turn this into another thread about what a fool I was to give him another chance and that he will cheat again blah, blah , blah. Why is it that anyone who stays in a marriage must be in denial and unwilling to see some "insight" that they don't want to see? I don't have the time or care enough to show you how flawed your thinking is when it comes to my situation, so I will just let you believe whatever you want about me. I Agree, that's a tired old tune. If Herenow or any other BS who forgives and reconciles finds that they made a mistake and if their spouse cheats again, let them deal with it. It's our choice to make, so if it was the wrong one, you'll be thrilled to be able to smugly say "I told you so", but until that time, don't insult our intelligence. People don't make decisions lightly, for crying out loud, give them enough credit to have the brains to know what choice is best for them, their children and their families. I can say with absolute certainty that I don't regret my choice to forgive. My husband cheated 3 years ago, and our marriage is better than ever, so even if, god forbid what all you naysayers predict that he'll cheat again, I've had 3 more years of happiness and security and more importantly, so have my children. Enough with the insinuation that once a cheater always a cheater, because that is not always the case. No matter what it's OUR lives and OUR choices, so if you don't hear us complaining about those choices, please do us the favor of not complaining for us.
reboot Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Agree, that's a tired old tune. If Herenow or any other BS who forgives and reconciles finds that they made a mistake and if their spouse cheats again, let them deal with it. It's our choice to make, so if it was the wrong one, you'll be thrilled to be able to smugly say "I told you so", but until that time, don't insult our intelligence. People don't make decisions lightly, for crying out loud, give them enough credit to have the brains to know what choice is best for them, their children and their families. I can say with absolute certainty that I don't regret my choice to forgive. My husband cheated 3 years ago, and our marriage is better than ever, so even if, god forbid what all you naysayers predict that he'll cheat again, I've had 3 more years of happiness and security and more importantly, so have my children. Enough with the insinuation that once a cheater always a cheater, because that is not always the case. No matter what it's OUR lives and OUR choices, so if you don't hear us complaining about those choices, please do us the favor of not complaining for us.There are several dozen threads you should copy this post into. Well said.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I said that I don't understand how they can feel that way, so I can't answer you question. Maybe someone else can. I did explain this. Let me put it in a more graphical representation. A. I cannot comprehend consequence - (typical only in early life stages). B I can comprehend consequences 1. I do not believe I will get caught. 2. I do not believe SO will leave me. If your cheating spouse does not fit any of this, it means quite simply that he/she Fully Understood the risk, and did not value the Marriage enough to proceed with a different course of action. Feel free do disagree.
reboot Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I did explain this. Let me put it in a more graphical representation. A. I cannot comprehend consequence - (typical only in early life stages). / 1. I do not believe I will get caught. B I can comprehend consequences \ 2. I do not believe SO will leave me. If your cheating spouse does not fit any of this, it means quite simply that he/she Fully Understood the risk, and did not value the Marriage enough to proceed with a different course of action. Feel free do disagree.Yes. And I think B-2 could be expanded to, "What I'm doing is not that big a deal, and I would never leave SO because of it, why would SO leave me over it?"
Cobra_X30 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Yes. And I think B-2 could be expanded to, "What I'm doing is not that big a deal, and I would never leave SO because of it, why would SO leave me over it?" I suppose that is true. However I think in the vast majority of these situations the cheater will state very flatly. "If my SO ever cheated on me, I'd get a divorce without a second thought". Therefore we must acknowlege that it is more often not the lack of understanding that infidelity is a big deal to them or thier SO. However, you are definitely correct in that there are poeple who do not see infidelity as an issue worthy of ending a marriage.
reboot Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 However I think in the vast majority of these situations the cheater will state very flatly. "If my SO ever cheated on me, I'd get a divorce without a second thought".Yeah, true. I asked my wife once if I had cheated on her would she still be with me. She said, "Probably not". It didn't really bother me because I always said the same thing. I've learned that you don't really know how you're going to react till you've been there.
gullible Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 A. I cannot comprehend consequence - (typical only in early life stages). B I can comprehend consequences 1. I do not believe I will get caught. 2. I do not believe SO will leave me. If your cheating spouse does not fit any of this, it means quite simply that he/she Fully Understood the risk, and did not value the Marriage enough to proceed with a different course of action. I think this is very good. I think in my case 1 and 2 were both true.
michelangelo Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 There is at least a third choice to B: 3. I will myself to not think of the consequences. This is what my wife did. I did explain this. Let me put it in a more graphical representation. A. I cannot comprehend consequence - (typical only in early life stages). B I can comprehend consequences 1. I do not believe I will get caught. 2. I do not believe SO will leave me. If your cheating spouse does not fit any of this, it means quite simply that he/she Fully Understood the risk, and did not value the Marriage enough to proceed with a different course of action. Feel free do disagree.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Yeah, true. I asked my wife once if I had cheated on her would she still be with me. She said, "Probably not". It didn't really bother me because I always said the same thing. I've learned that you don't really know how you're going to react till you've been there. No, it's true... you dont know until you have been there. I suppose there is only one way to see if your wife is serious. I suspect she would leave Reboot. I do not think that is simply a bluff. There is at least a third choice to B: 3. I will myself to not think of the consequences. This is what my wife did. I'm sorry. If she actively ignored consequences she knew existed. That means she did not value the marriage enough to not risk losing it. She may fall under the category of those who act then rationalize. It is possible she was a B-2, who felt she could talk/convince you to stay, however based on your initail description she sounds much more like a conflict avoider.
michaelk Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 To answer the OP, in my case I had to stop loving my W before I was in a state of mind to have an A. If I had really cared about her at that time, it would have hurt me to hurt her in that way, and I'd like to think I wouldn't have done it. To Cobra's post, I'd have to say that both B1 and B2 were true of me. In hindsight, it was stupid to think I wouldn't get caught, because the longer I got away with it the more risks I took. Actually, I wonder sometimes if I didn't just want to get caught. *sigh* Another good therapy topic.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Enough with the insinuation that once a cheater always a cheater, because that is not always the case. Hear Hear! I get so tired of people using this excuse to be bitter!!!
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