bigheartkindsoul Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Ok no one rant at me, I am asking hyperthetically here and out of curiousity........... Ok so you have done your grieving and healing. You have learnt alot from your past experiences. Do you think to finally move on you need to move forward with another person even if just a brief casual fling where no one will get hurt as you both know what your doing? Do you think that would give your brain closure?
littlekitty Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 In short - No! It might work for some but I don't recommend it as a healthy way of moving on. Time is the best way. It's not been that long for you has it? You can't rush the healing process.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Almost 5 months but am just asking as a general question. So if you have healed, you have grieved, you have accepted that you will never get back or want to get back with the ex, that you think it isn't a good idea? to get that final closure?
frd150 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hey BHKS, Jumping into something for the sake of forgetting is just a band-aid to cover up a wound that needs stitches imho. I have had a few chances since the break up but it just did not seem right, I wasn't there yet so to speak. After the fog cleared I realized that I needed to work on all the things that I have been neglecting in the past few years. Things that I was neglecting in the relationship with my lovely ex. The way I see it is if I went on to another for the sake of forgetting without taking the time me to improve then I would not only be selling myself short but I would also be selling the new lady short. So now Im open to meeting someone new but not for the sake of just doing it. If its right then I will go for it. If things were to work out with my ex then im open to that too. Im not holding my breath though. So I continue on my mission of self improvement. Once your ok with yourself then it will be easier to forget the pain. It gets better sweetie. Oh another smile...keep it up.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I completely agree with littlekitty. You are still fraigile and only time will fix that. You know when you are ready when you don't have to ask someone if it's OK. Until then, be patient and it'll come to you. I'm trying to practice what I preach but it is difficult. Good luck!
Quinch Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 A casual fling won't solve anything. It might help you ignore the issues for a while but they won't go away and you'll still have to deal with them sooner or later. More likely you will end up with a whole new bunch of issues. Trust me, I've been there. You will know when you are ready to move on but you can't force it.
sumdude Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Well, it's a tough call since I'm still in that sort of limbo myself. Did have one weekend thing a few months back.. did it help? Hard to say, didn't change anything but it was a step and I don't regret it. I just started dating someone casually, slowly, tentatively. Use your own judgement and don't expect anything.
brothermartin Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Hey BIGHEART, how you been baby!? To answer your Q: Figure out if this really is just a fling before you go any further. Even a band aid over a bullet wound can be better than nothing. If you think you might want more, then you may be setting yourself up for (GASP) a rebound! And, trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT THAT! Most rebounds turn out to be repeats of history. When we don't learn from our mistakes, we tend to repeat them. Be honest with yourself, then make your decision. If it's for sure just a fling, take precautions. Keep it one or the other- if sex, just sex. If friendship, just friendship. Don't mix the two if you believe that there isn't room for both. Nice avatar! GROOOOWLLL!!
spookie Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 From my experience, rebounds are just a temporary band-aid and a waste of time. They're useful in distracting you from the person you're missing like crazy just because you have someone new to obsess about, but once you realize they don't measure up, and it's over, you're back to the same feelings of nostalgia and despair, now twinged with disgust at your selection and regret. I think what DOES help you move on is finally meeting someone you CAN fall in love with and doing so, but that takes time as love is precious because it is rare and you cannot have it with any person you feel some attraction for. The thing about love is that it's different every time, so it is hard to get over because you feel you'll never love again in the same way (because you won't). But if you give it time, you WILL love again, just someone new in a new but equally magical way. Just be patient. In the meantime there are lessons about yourself that you'd be better off spending your time learning rather than running off with someone new.
Jmina Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I have had moments where i felt that i might be the type of person that needed someone new and amazing to truly get me to move on from my ex but i was wrong since finding a much more wholesome and true to myself way of dealing with things. Finding another to move on totally?= rebound. Mostly rebounds don't work...Although there is always the exception. My friend ended up falling in love with her rebound guy and today is pregnant and very happy. but every situation is different and everyone has different attatchments and needs. if we can let go of these things and feed our soul from the goodness of our hearts rather than finding alternatives and understand that we are apart from our ex's for a good reason, that it is exactly what is meant to happen we can find a way to move on. hope you are feeling well today. you sound like your searching now. which is a good thing. your finding your way out, and youl find the right way for you soon.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Like I said at the beginning it is a hyperthetical question, I'm not about to go do it or have plans too. I just wondered. How can it be a rebound if and when you have no feelings for the ex left, but just have thoughts about them and how they did you wrong. All I was thinking was that, do you need the next distraction to stop the thoughts entirely? Perhaps it differs from person to person. Ps: I must be moving on and making progress, while emptying an old phone of photos I came accross aload of us and him, I felt nothing, nothing at all and deleted them very easily and didn't get down either! Yey to me
funkybassplayer Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 if you really wanna meet some1 who is true then find yourself first before you look for a man to replace whats missing in you. Just the tread suggest that having a man is more important than finding yourself. But some do go from one to the next in order to feel loved.
marlena Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Well, I did it i1year after divorcing my cheating husband to whom I had been loyal 15 long years!!! It felt great! In many ways, it was a symbolic gesture. I wanted to prove to myself that I could sleep with another man!!! It did wonders to my self- esteem, I wasn't looking for love or a relationship and neither was he so it owrked out just fine!! I also did it after my affair with a mm was over! That was liverating too! This one lasted four months! I was a little hurt when it ended but nothing I couldn't handle! I'd say if you are still vulnerable and looking for love or a serious relationship, don't do it! If, however, you think you can do it without any emotional involvement, then, yeah, it might give you a little push further away from your ex and make you feel a little bit stronger. It depends.
ninjaturtles Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Well, I had something casual with someone. We did not indulge in deep physical contact, just kissing, cudling etc..(Because I get attached through physicality, depending on how far I go). To be honest, I knew deep down what it was..Nothing serious...It did actually help me get over my ex, because my attention was diverted to someone else for a few months. After It was over, I wasnt even that attracted to my ex anymore, and although I thought about him sometimes, it was nothing serious. I limited how far we went physically, I enjoyed his company and swept me off my feet..It lasted not very long but it definitely took my attention away, PLUS.....it wasnt exactly a reobound because I had been out of the relationsup with my ex for about 7 months.
ninjaturtles Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Well, I had something casual with someone in the past. We did not indulge in deep physical contact, just kissing, cudling etc..(Because I get attached through physicality, depending on how far I go). To be honest, I knew deep down what it was..Nothing serious...It did actually help me get over my ex, because my attention was diverted to someone else for a few months. After It was over, I wasnt even that attracted to my ex anymore, and although I thought about him sometimes, it was nothing serious. I limited how far we went physically, I enjoyed his company and swept me off my feet..It lasted not very long but it definitely took my attention away, PLUS.....it wasnt exactly a reobound because I had been out of the relationsup with my ex for about 7 months.
tomwiz Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I disagree. After a horrible breakup, I joined an online dating site, had quite a few first dates, had more than handful of second dates. Simply knowing that others where/are interested was really a light at the end of a long dark tunnel. While I would not recomend anything more than casually dating, knowing that you are still attractive to people is important. During this time, i got into better shape again, did well in grad school. It let me know there was "more fish in the sea" besides my ex. It really helped me move on, no more online stalking, asking about her, i truly feel over her. I am at the start of a new relationship now with a great girl and I can honestly say that getting out there again was essential to a good recovery.
bustertypsy Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 BKHS,I only did a date last Sunday after 6 weeks of NC.And how sorry I was that I did it.The poor girl.I didn't even fancy her.I went out with her just to feel that I was still attractive to the opposite sex.I never thought I could ever be that insecure,but that's what break ups do to you. I have decided that unless you are TOTALLY healed,then you are just creating more problems for yourself by dating.It's not fair on the date and it's not fair on you.I couldn't get over the fact that I felt I had been unfaithful to my ex,even though we were not together.I know I have to get used to the fact that I am no longer in a relationship.Now I know why I could never be unfaithful in a relationship,just didn't feel good,felt crap.I'm glad I'm like that.
Surfer Girl Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 It wasn't that long ago you were still feeling hurt from the breakup.... I tried dating afterwards and felt I compared him to the ex.... Although it was a good self esteem step.... In the long run, it wasn't.... As it made me think of him more.... It has been 5 months for me... and I have no desire to connect with someone else.... I thought I had acceptance, but realized once dating... I did not... For some like my friend, she had a great time going out.... It took her mind off of him.... For others like myself... There was no comparison to him.... You could try, and perhaps then you will know for sure if you are really over him... If you are not, it was better for me to heal more on my own....
RecordProducer Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Do you think to finally move on you need to move forward with another person even if just a brief casual fling where no one will get hurt as you both know what your doing? Do you think that would give your brain closure?Yes. But you have to fall in love. It can't be just a fling. Those don't work.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Ok so my way of thinking like Marlena is It gives you something else to think about, someone else, so even if nothing more happens and it is brief you can reminiss about that rather than all the crappy thoughts about the ex? And knowing you slept with someone else your telling your brain that the ex relationship is truly over and done with. Also I need a shag! Sorry but I do. And I have had ONS and brief flings before no one got hurt esp me and was just fun. I can like me, disassociate feeligns from sex. Like I said I have no plans to do so, I am just curious on peoples thoughts as to whether it would work.
funkybassplayer Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 go do it then. But i can assure you that having intimacy of any kind if your not over your ex, even emotional can make you feel bad. At the end of the day you are greving your ex. You know your mind and body better than anyone.
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