He wants to be with me, but won't be my boyfriend, and says he doesn't love me

[dancingcolors]

Hi. I am totally confused. We are both 55 years old. I have been seeing this guy for almost 7 months.

 

He has been separated from his wife for about 5 years, and they live on the same property. They have 4 kids, two still at home, with the wife. They have been in mediation for their divorce, since before I met him. He left her, and wants out. She is extremely dependent, and the thing keeps dragging on.

 

I met him on Craig's List, and we hit it off right away. He told me about the divorce right away too.

 

He lives 1 1/2 hours away at the coast. He comes and see's me about half the week. He basically lives here with me , half time. The other half he is working nights, 36 hours a week. I know that all this is true.

 

The problem is that although we get along great, and he spends all this time with me, and wants to see me all the time, he won't say that he is my boyfriend. He won't say that is is loyal to me. He just says things like I haven't seen anyone else, since I met you, but doesn't want to say he will be loyal to me. He also says he isn't in love with me. He is always using the fact that he still isn't divorced as an excuse for everything, although he doesn't have a problem sleeping with me all the time.

 

Also, he hides me from his close knit extended family, since he is still married, and we had to spend Thanksgiving apart because of this.

 

I have been alone for many years, and I really like him. Each time we are together, I feel like I am giving him more and more of my heart. He says I fell for him, but not vice versa. He says he is having sex with me, and not making love, because that has the word love in it.

 

The thing that makes this so confusing, is that he is so tender and loving to me. If you had a reality show of us, you would think we are madly in love. Everytime I tell him I don't want to see him anymore, he comes running 1 1/2 hours away, and begs to take me out to dinner and a movie.

 

He says he never felt love to his wife of 25 years. He loved a girl when he was 18, who rejected him, and seems to have shut down.

 

I finally told him that I don't want to see him anymore, untill I see the divorce certificate, and he can say he is my boyfriend, and can introduce me to his family. This has been two days. It is so hard, because I really like him so much, and have deep feelings for him. I really miss him already. I really enjoy his company, and have so much fun with him.

 

All this nonsense has been going on for almost 4 months, of the 7 month relationship. that is when I started realizing what was going on, and started asking questions.

 

Also, I can never go over to where he lives, although you can hear the ocean from his house. I went there twice, but then we read on the internet, how that is bad for the divorce settlement, and I quit. I am all hidden from his world, and he has full entrance into mine. He even lived here with my 18 year old daughter, until she left for overseas.

 

Even reading this, it sounds really messed up. Even though the dynamics sound so messed up, we have been really close in sharing our lives together, and having fun. He does take me out, and pay for things.

[Ocean-Blue]

Hi. I am totally confused. We are both 55 years old. I have been seeing this guy for almost 7 months.

 

He has been separated from his wife for about 5 years, and they live on the same property. They have 4 kids, two still at home, with the wife. They have been in mediation for their divorce, since before I met him. He left her, and wants out. She is extremely dependent, and the thing keeps dragging on.

 

I met him on Craig's List, and we hit it off right away. He told me about the divorce right away too.

 

He lives 1 1/2 hours away at the coast. He comes and see's me about half the week. He basically lives here with me , half time. The other half he is working nights, 36 hours a week. I know that all this is true.

 

The problem is that although we get along great, and he spends all this time with me, and wants to see me all the time, he won't say that he is my boyfriend. He won't say that is is loyal to me. He just says things like I haven't seen anyone else, since I met you, but doesn't want to say he will be loyal to me. He also says he isn't in love with me. He is always using the fact that he still isn't divorced as an excuse for everything, although he doesn't have a problem sleeping with me all the time.

 

Also, he hides me from his close knit extended family, since he is still married, and we had to spend Thanksgiving apart because of this.

 

I have been alone for many years, and I really like him. Each time we are together, I feel like I am giving him more and more of my heart. He says I fell for him, but not vice versa. He says he is having sex with me, and not making love, because that has the word love in it.

 

The thing that makes this so confusing, is that he is so tender and loving to me. If you had a reality show of us, you would think we are madly in love. Everytime I tell him I don't want to see him anymore, he comes running 1 1/2 hours away, and begs to take me out to dinner and a movie.

 

He says he never felt love to his wife of 25 years. He loved a girl when he was 18, who rejected him, and seems to have shut down.

 

I finally told him that I don't want to see him anymore, untill I see the divorce certificate, and he can say he is my boyfriend, and can introduce me to his family. This has been two days. It is so hard, because I really like him so much, and have deep feelings for him. I really miss him already. I really enjoy his company, and have so much fun with him.

 

All this nonsense has been going on for almost 4 months, of the 7 month relationship. that is when I started realizing what was going on, and started asking questions.

 

Also, I can never go over to where he lives, although you can hear the ocean from his house. I went there twice, but then we read on the internet, how that is bad for the divorce settlement, and I quit. I am all hidden from his world, and he has full entrance into mine. He even lived here with my 18 year old daughter, until she left for overseas.

 

Even reading this, it sounds really messed up. Even though the dynamics sound so messed up, we have been really close in sharing our lives together, and having fun. He does take me out, and pay for things.

 

This man is essentially treating you like the OW - though you are not! You need to decide if you are just OK with being his FWB. You obviously want more...don't sell yourself short by being with a man who doesn't appreciate you!

 

I feel for you... He is using your home and bed...and he not giving you anything to go on.

 

By sticking to this guy, you are not open to other prospects. He is preventing you from pursuing new partners because you are waiting/hoping for something from him.

 

Are you willing to wait?

[fray718]

Men like this are poison. Dump him and find someone who appreciates you.

[dancingcolors]

Hi again, what is an FWB? I am assuming OW us other woman.

 

Am I willing to wait? I guess I have run out of waiting time, with the things he is saying. His actions don't match up with his words, and that is where I am having the problem. He acts crazy about me, and won't say it. He does say he is dating me. My heart is getting into it too deep, to keep beong with him, the way it is going. Although I already miss him so much. My intelligent brain says he really does need to be divorced, before I see him anymore. I guess, I am going to wait for that, but not see him in the meanwhile. I hate the whole situation.

 

When I met him in may, he said he was getting divorced in August, and now it doesn't seem like he will in December. I know in my heart, I can't play that game anymopre. He has to be divorced. It is just hard.

 

My 18 year old daughter is overseas, and I am alone in this house now. He usually comes over on Tuesdays, and I just feel the loss of him not being here, and it feels lonely. I feel like I need to have self respect and dignity though. The Thanksgiving deal was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. He had it with his whole family, mother father, brothers sisters, and his wife was there, and I am the hidden woman, they really don't know about. His kids know that I exist, and so does his wife. I guess I was even brought into the divorce with the lawyers by her.

 

Yeah, I want a real, long term relationship with someone. He says he wants that too, but he isn't even divorced yet. My mistake for starting up with him at all. It's just that he said he was getting divorced in two months when i met him.

 

If I met someone else at this point, and they asked me out, I would go out with them. Unril now, I was being totally loyal to him. But I feel like I am basically broken up for now. I really don't want to be, but I feel backed up against a wall.

[RecordProducer]

FWB stands for friends with benefits - partners just in sex. No, it doesn't sound like he is just using you for sex. It sounds like he has feelings for you. Ina way, he reminds me of my husband, who is apparently a commitment phobe. He got cold feet before we got married and I refused to pick up the phone after he left. The his hunting instinct woke up and he married me a week later. After I moved to the US for him, he started talking about divorce all the time. I have two sons that he adores like his. For two years he keeps dreaming about a divorce. I finally realized that he needs to be dumped (my mom told me so). It's the only thing that works for commitment phobes, they come back crawling after you ditch them. Your guy offers you a dinner and a movie when you say it's over. Keep NC (no contact) and he will commit to you. But that's just the first step. Unfortunately with this type of men, you have to constantly assure him that you don't need him in order to keep him. Do you really want this?

 

I have no respect for a person who wants to be with someone he claims he doesn't love. Even if he is persuading himself that he doesn't love you, why is that? Because they are afraid of being in love, they are afraid of committing themselves to someone. My husband has lived with women he didn't love. He is 50 and has no kids of his own and I am his third wife. These men want to be free and want to know that they are free. The divorce is just an excuse for your BF. He either doesn't love you or he is not a serious person. I understand that you feel broken and in limbo. The only thing that works is to act mercilessly with them. Ditch him, don't answer the phone, tell him he means nothing to you, tell him you're going out with several other guys... only then he will chase after you. He needs to be intrigued and challenged; this type brings drama and frustration. Always.

[Mz. Pixie]

He's getting what he wants from you, which is sex. Seriously, dump this guy and find someone who appreciates you and wants to be with you.

[Racquel Colette]

The divorce has nothing to do with it. when a man says he isn't in love with you, and won't even allow you to say 'make love,' because of the word love, that means he doesn't love you. A divorce isn't going to suddenly make him love you.

I would cut him out of your life 100%. Don't take his calls. Don't visit him. Don't allow him to visit.

He is using you for sex.

[dancingcolors]

Hi again. I just need some moral support. I really miss him. This is really hard. I am staying away, but it is really hard.

[dancingcolors]

You know what is really crazy too? He said that if i had sex with anyone else, he would never have sex with me again. He has said that on more than one occasion.

[Jilly Bean]

Problem #1: meeting a man off Craigslist.

 

Problem #2: he is still married, and I don't believe for a second he is working on getting divorced.

 

Problem #3: he will continue to treat you like a booty call as long as you allow it.

 

It's wonderful that you have finally stood up for yourself, as you deserve MUCH better than this guy. He is a slimeball, and that won't change. Love yourself above all others, and then right guy will follow...

[RecordProducer]

You know what is really crazy too? He said that if i had sex with anyone else, he would never have sex with me again. He has said that on more than one occasion.

Me Thinks Thou Doth Protest Too Much.

 

He is full of it. He is just trying to force you to stay faithful.

[Racquel Colette]

You know what is really crazy too? He said that if i had sex with anyone else, he would never have sex with me again. He has said that on more than one occasion.

 

Well, yeah, but how would he find out about it? If you want to sleep with someone else, go ahead. Just don't tell him.

[jcster]

This guy is using you and you are letting him do it. He tells you that if you sleep with anyone else, then it's over - yet he remains married and sees you on the side. He's told you point blank that he doesn't love you, is just having sex with you, but all he needs to do is take you out to a movie and it's all better. What part of this is loveable? Stick to your guns - it's over because it was never really there in the first place.