purplebubbles Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This is a pretty hard post to write, only because I don't want to give too much information, but I need some advice on how to try and save my relationship from falling into a rut. I am in an international long distance relationship and have been for almost a year. We seem to have our ups and downs and sometimes it feels like I'm on a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes it's fun and exciting and other times.. well it seems like the hardest thing that I've ever had to do in my life. Our major issues seem to be differing communication styles and lack of intimacy. I've tried just about everything to change this, but I'm coming up against a brick wall. We are physically inimate via phone and we are very affectionate in our conversations via instant messenger and generally we'll talk for a couple of hours a night. Sometimes there are times when this is not possible, but we try our best to maintain communication. Although I have tried to be intimate in other ways, such as suggestive emails this has not been returned on his part, so I have kind of given up on that. It's just that our usual intimate chat follows a certain routine. He is suggestive, leads conversation in that direction and speaks of his fantasies, describing what he would like to do to me. I kind of follow on and answer his sexual questions as though I know that he would like to hear the answers. I generally do not lead conversation. Although he often complains that I never "take the lead" When I try though, I feel as though I am inadequate and incompetent. I'm just not sure what I can do to shake those feelings? I've tried just about everything and I'm coming up at a loss. We've discussed this at great length, but it always seems to fall back into the same pattern. I just don't know what to do?
Ocean-Blue Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This is a pretty hard post to write, only because I don't want to give too much information, but I need some advice on how to try and save my relationship from falling into a rut. I am in an international long distance relationship and have been for almost a year. We seem to have our ups and downs and sometimes it feels like I'm on a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes it's fun and exciting and other times.. well it seems like the hardest thing that I've ever had to do in my life. Our major issues seem to be differing communication styles and lack of intimacy. I've tried just about everything to change this, but I'm coming up against a brick wall. We are physically inimate via phone and we are very affectionate in our conversations via instant messenger and generally we'll talk for a couple of hours a night. Sometimes there are times when this is not possible, but we try our best to maintain communication. Although I have tried to be intimate in other ways, such as suggestive emails this has not been returned on his part, so I have kind of given up on that. It's just that our usual intimate chat follows a certain routine. He is suggestive, leads conversation in that direction and speaks of his fantasies, describing what he would like to do to me. I kind of follow on and answer his sexual questions as though I know that he would like to hear the answers. I generally do not lead conversation. Although he often complains that I never "take the lead" When I try though, I feel as though I am inadequate and incompetent. I'm just not sure what I can do to shake those feelings? I've tried just about everything and I'm coming up at a loss. We've discussed this at great length, but it always seems to fall back into the same pattern. I just don't know what to do? Do you feel self-conscious when you begin to get intimate on the phone?
Author purplebubbles Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Actually, I do. The more that I am pushed to take the lead, the less often I do. The more I freeze when it comes my time to talk. He doesn't seem to notice this so much and keeps firing questions at me, or talking. So, in the end.. I'm left unsatisfied and a little bit confused. I want to change this and I want to work at it. I don't know how though. I've tried talking about this with him, but he doesn't seem to understand, or nothing changes.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Actually, I do. The more that I am pushed to take the lead, the less often I do. The more I freeze when it comes my time to talk. He doesn't seem to notice this so much and keeps firing questions at me, or talking. So, in the end.. I'm left unsatisfied and a little bit confused. I want to change this and I want to work at it. I don't know how though. I've tried talking about this with him, but he doesn't seem to understand, or nothing changes. Is he frustrated because you aren't as engaging as he'd like you to be or is it that he thinks you get nothing out of it (or both)? I can understand why you'd begin to get self-conscious if he expects you to be all hot and heavy on the phone (expectation of this kind creates a kind of performance anxiety, no?). Does he know that you're trying to take the lead...that you're just getting your feet wet? An LDR can be very stressful. Not having any physical contact for long periods of time can drive even the most together person insane at times.
Author purplebubbles Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 To be honest, I think all of those things you have mentioned come into play. I think we are a bit confused at how something that was working for us both has become such a problem. I think he is frustrated, because I am not providing the stimulation that he needs. The more that I feel this is the case the more reserved I am, it is performance anxiety. I tend to overthink and then I'm not in the mood and I can't.. I feel like I'm just talking about sex, when I'm really not into it. He knows I'm trying, but it doesn't change the fact that in the moment he needs that, and I can't seem to be able to provide it.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 To be honest, I think all of those things you have mentioned come into play. I think we are a bit confused at how something that was working for us both has become such a problem. I think he is frustrated, because I am not providing the stimulation that he needs. The more that I feel this is the case the more reserved I am, it is performance anxiety. I tend to overthink and then I'm not in the mood and I can't.. I feel like I'm just talking about sex, when I'm really not into it. He knows I'm trying, but it doesn't change the fact that in the moment he needs that, and I can't seem to be able to provide it. So he wants to get off on the phone and you can't seem to get into it enough...and both of you end up being frustrated. This is more common than you think. I think it may have something to do with one partner having a more vivid imagination than the other. Some people are just more visual and tactile - they need to see and touch the object of affection... You have to find a way to let go of your inhibitions and just stay in the moment without worrying about how good a job you're doing, etc. I know that's harder done than said... But if it's a source of contention in your LDR, you need to do something about it. Have you considered getting a vibrator or something to that effect? Some LSers rave about certain products (i.e. Layaspot, Hitachi Magic Wand)...maybe while he's doing the talking you can use the vibrator to get going and your moaning may do the trick...? It may also help you in letting go and not focusing so intensely on saying the right thing. Of course this all depends on your personal comfort level with your bf and how you both feel about using vibrators...
dancinggal Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I know how you feel, except I have the opposite problem. I would actually like to have some sort of intimate conversation like phone sex, but I have never had the guts to do it. My boyfriend once made a sort of joke about, like, basically saying phone sex is out of the question. That really hurt me because its something I owuld like to try, I feel sometimes that I need some sort of sexual contact, and he doesn't feel the same need I guess. I also write sexual emails, but I don't always get a response either. Its really frustrating, and I sometimes get so worked up about it. I haven't found a solution just yet, I know that doesn't help you at all, but I just wanted to share.
LiveKhaos Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I come to understand you all, but in my opinion there's a huge misconception about intimacy... Intimacy isn't just physical contact, or made up of sexuality... Its so much more... But sex, and physical contact are part of what make up the word intimacy... Note that you can come to be intimate with someone without touching them or talking about sex... Because when you get intimate your feelings and emotions come first, and then physical or sexual contact are like the icing on top... I don't know, maybe this was off topic but, a relationship isn't all about sex (as I'm sure you all know)... despite us being humans and having the "need" for some sexuality in our lives...
Author purplebubbles Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Thankyou dancinggal. It's nice to know that I'm not the only person that has sexual problems within my relationship. The thing is that it's not that I don't want to have phone sex and it's certainly not for the lack of trying. I want to, the more that we're unsuccessful, the less I want to try, though. I understand that intimacy is not just sexual contact. I feel as though that 'connectedness' feeling that we used to share has almost, but disappeared. Even if we have gone days without talking, we sometimes don't have anything to say to each other.. which makes me uncomfortable because it should not be the case, at all. It has never been the case before. Anyway, I'm just at a loss at this whole situation. I am not sure what to do. Sex is an important part of who I am and I'm really not willing to sacrifice it forever, nor should he want to settle for something less than satisfying.
LiveKhaos Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I feel for you and the fact that you've basically lost your "connectedness"... Thats something (from past experience) thats hard to regain... I think you should seriously talk to him, and tell him how YOU feel... Don't beat around the bush, just tell him how it is you feel period... As hard as it may be, its something that you'll probably have to do... Maybe he doesn't even know how you feel! And he thinks your sort of OK with the fact that your not having sex. Or maybe he's going through some serious issues whether they're related to health or not that he's kept to himself... You can only truly know whats the reason behind the unreasoning unless you talk to him, and make sure he listens...cuz US guys tend to get distracted easily...lol
dancinggal Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Purplebubbles, I know what you are getting at. I feel the same. Sometimes our relationship feels 'on hold', like we aren't actually interacting in a way that a boyfriend and girlfriend would. And yeah, that's weird to me too because we are perfect when we are together. Maybe that's why I feel I need some sexual contact as well. And the worst part is my boyfriend doesn't seem to understand what I'm talking about when I try to explain it. He's like, I want to understand, but I don't. I know its tough, but I can't give up our relationship either.
Author purplebubbles Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Dancinggal, I completely understand your perspective. I feel that my boyfriend is happy with the way things currently are. As long as we get through today and tomorrow, he is happy. Our relationship is 'on hold' until May, when I'll be closer to him. I honestly love him with all of my heart and I adore who he is. He tells me that he thinks the distance makes us the way we are at the moment with one another, that we know each other so well that we don't HAVE to talk. He says that sometimes he enjoys our silence. I guess as long as we get to May he doesn't care how we get there. I'm not sure I can get there without some kind of investment. I don't know, it's just not about the end product of sex. It's about being close and enjoying each others company in ways that I don't enjoy anybody elses.
dancinggal Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Omg, lol, finally someone that gets it! My boy is like that too, and it frustrates me too, but I have no idea how to get him out of his. Do girls need intimacy more than boys? Any guys out there, how would we get a guy to be more intimate in a LDR? Without, of course, sounding clingy (my worst fear). Why don't they understand that its not like a relationship if it doesn't involve intimacy???
Author purplebubbles Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Well, I guess things blew up in a major way tonight. It was like all of our feelings come to the surface and we ended up screaming at each other over the phone, through tears. I commented that things felt distant and odd and it didn't feel like we had much to talk about. He commented that it was probably because we have been spending so much time talking throughout the day that we were exhausting each other. Well, naturally being the idiot I am started crying in a blubbering mess, told him that if he felt like he didn't want to talk to me that he was under no obligation to do so, and if he didn't want me that he shouldn't have led me on for so long.. So, we screamed a bit about him being so guarded because he is scared to hurt my feelings with everything he says, because I take it the wrong way. I told him in return that perhaps I am taking everything the wrong way because he isn't saying anything! Regardless, it's the first argument that I've had with him where he has actually raised his voice to me. It was refreshing in some kind of sick way, to know that he felt so intensely and that we ARE normal. By the end of the conversation, I'd told him things that I'd held close to my heart. I basically laid it down and I think we were open to each other about our fears and issues for the first time in a long time.. Well anyway.. it ended with some very intense and interactive phone sex on my part. I think he was both shocked and surprised. I really really hope that this has cleared the air a bit and we can work on our relationship. He is a wonderful man.
Poboy Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 have you met this man or going to meet in the future ? that is necessary at some point in the relationship.
Author purplebubbles Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Yes, I have both met him and am planning on moving to be with him in May.
dancinggal Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Awww, purplebubbles that's awesome! Good for you guys, getting it all out there, you obviously needed the emotional blowup to get it all out. Now if only I had the guts to say something!
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