IpAncA Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Why wouldn't he deserve to know? Isn't it his life too? It baffles me how people can condone lying. Some people like the whole phrase "what he/she doesn't know...won't hurt him/her."
Meaplus3 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Some people like the whole phrase "what he/she doesn't know...won't hurt him/her." IpAncA, You are so right about that phrase! I have such a big problem with that line of thinking! One thing I learned about lying from my ea is just how easy it is to do and how WRONG it is. How can one expect to recover their marriage fully with out beign honest? I think that many who believe in this phrase truely don' t want to tell their SO because they still want to leave the door open for further deception's. Let's face it trust is a key component in any R. JMO! AP:)
Author jtalia Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Exactly. I never believe a cheating woman's sob story because 9 times out of 10 it is BS. You're right. Why would anyone want to believe me after I have hid something so terrible from my H? But for your information, the story of my H's verbal abuse is not a lie. And his cross words weren't what led me to the affair. It was the lack of being loved and needed. I was empty and at an all time low. I resorted to something inexcusable and trust me, I am paying mentally for my mistake. Do you honestly think that I purposely set out to ruin my marriage or to hurt my H? I didn't plan for it to be taken this far.
Author jtalia Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 And so you are stuck in the middle of a moral dilemma. If you don't tell your H the truth you will have to live with the guilt of your actions. Forever. Can you do that?? If you do tell H about your affair, it opens the door for to the opportunity to work on your marriage. MC would be a good next step, after telling your H. Discovering why you cheated, and examining the issues in your marriage that caused you to cheat could strengthen your M. Tough choice. I am not sure I can live with this forever. I know that it is imperative that I tell him to be able to advance in our marriage. He may know more than I think, I am not sure. He does deserve to know and all of you are right in saying so. I just have to find the right words and the right time to tell him. I really don't want to carry this around for the rest of my life. It will haunt me and rightfully so. I don't like lying. And that is what I am living. I have stooped so low..... Would it be wise of me to wait til after the holidays to tell him? I really don't want to ruin that for him???
Cobra_X30 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You're right. Why would anyone want to believe me after I have hid something so terrible from my H? But for your information, the story of my H's verbal abuse is not a lie. And his cross words weren't what led me to the affair. It was the lack of being loved and needed. I was empty and at an all time low. I resorted to something inexcusable and trust me, I am paying mentally for my mistake. Do you honestly think that I purposely set out to ruin my marriage or to hurt my H? I didn't plan for it to be taken this far. It may be a struggle, but ignore those who only wish you to take a stroll down guilt-trip blvd. You have before you 4 basic options 1. Stay dont tell him 2. Stay but be honest 3. Leave dont tell him 4. Leave but be honest You must consider the well bieng of all involved, not just you and your H. I will not lie to you, if you choose the first path... it will slowly eat your soul. You will never feel good enough for anything or anyone again. If you choose the second path... there is no garauntee things will work out. Your Husband has put a lot of effort into changing. You have yet to begin to reciprocate. This will be the hardest fight of your life. If you choose three... this is the easiest path. It will provide you both a fresh start.
Tripper Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I am not sure I can live with this forever. I know that it is imperative that I tell him to be able to advance in our marriage. He may know more than I think, I am not sure. He does deserve to know and all of you are right in saying so. I just have to find the right words and the right time to tell him. I really don't want to carry this around for the rest of my life. It will haunt me and rightfully so. I don't like lying. And that is what I am living. I have stooped so low..... Would it be wise of me to wait til after the holidays to tell him? I really don't want to ruin that for him??? To wait for the holidays?? or not?? Hmmmm.... can you live with it for another month or so?? By posting here, in my mind, it's like saying "this is eating me alive and I need to get it out". Pre holidays or post holidays it's still going to hurt both of you. Do you want to start the new year off with a lie?? These are just some thoughts of mine... What do you want to do?? If you want to wait until after the holidays, can you cope with the secret a bit longer?? or is it driving you to distraction?? At this point I don't think it will matter much either way.. somebody is going to hurt..
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You better tell him before he finds out, You owe him the damn truth. What do you got to loose right?
Woggle Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You're right. Why would anyone want to believe me after I have hid something so terrible from my H? But for your information, the story of my H's verbal abuse is not a lie. And his cross words weren't what led me to the affair. It was the lack of being loved and needed. I was empty and at an all time low. I resorted to something inexcusable and trust me, I am paying mentally for my mistake. Do you honestly think that I purposely set out to ruin my marriage or to hurt my H? I didn't plan for it to be taken this far. I dom t think that you woke up one day and decided to hurt your husband but things weren't 100% perfect and opportunity presented itself. Since you already resented him his feelings and how this would affect him did not come into account. I am not trying to beat up on you but unless you take responsibility for this it will just happened again. I am not saying he is an angel but I would bet it isn't as one sided as you make it seem.
IpAncA Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Hmm...I think it's your call on whether you tell him before or after the holiday. Whatever you decide IMO isn't going to make things easier. Either you deal with it now or later.
RecordProducer Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Jtalia, you absolutely have no feelings for "the neighbor" or you wouldn't be calling him the neighbor. It shines through your whole post so don't fool yourself. You love your husband and you are afraid of getting hurt by him again. That's normal. Your affair improved your marriage in an indirect way so don't regret it so much and don't tell your husband. He might forgive you, but he will never really forgive you. Trust me, the memories will fade away and you will not feel guilty in a few months. Move and start a new life without giving yourself away. I know the impetus to tell your husband is immense, but if he finds out, he will be hurt and the marriage will go downhill. Don't think that he knows what's going on. Whenever I felt that my husbands knew something, they had no clue, even though they acted like they knew everything. In my case it wasn't affairs, but believe me, men don't know things like women do.
Author jtalia Posted November 30, 2007 Author Posted November 30, 2007 Jtalia, you absolutely have no feelings for "the neighbor" or you wouldn't be calling him the neighbor. It shines through your whole post so don't fool yourself. You love your husband and you are afraid of getting hurt by him again. That's normal. Your affair improved your marriage in an indirect way so don't regret it so much and don't tell your husband. He might forgive you, but he will never really forgive you. Trust me, the memories will fade away and you will not feel guilty in a few months. Move and start a new life without giving yourself away. I know the impetus to tell your husband is immense, but if he finds out, he will be hurt and the marriage will go downhill. Don't think that he knows what's going on. Whenever I felt that my husbands knew something, they had no clue, even though they acted like they knew everything. In my case it wasn't affairs, but believe me, men don't know things like women do. RP, I have to agree with you on the no feelings part. You are right, I would not refer to him as "the neighbor" if I truly felt what I thought I felt for him. I honestly think that my mistake has made our marriage stronger. The last week I have seen my H in a whole new light. He has really been trying and I have finally seen that. I am 50/50 on the telling him part. Part of me still feels as if I should be the one to carry the guilt. I know in my heart that he will not leave. He told me that nothing would tear him away from me and he kept emphasizing nothing. Now, he could feel as if I did have an affair....but I don't think he would think it was the neighbor. Really. I feel that things would be much worse if I was to tell him. I know he would stay but then he would have to carry this guilt as well. I feel horrible about it. For any of you Christians out there, I have truly asked for forgiveness and guidance. I hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself and to continue on. The thoughts haven't consumed my life. Yes, I feel horrible and sometimes I cry for what I did. But I will not let it take over me. I refuse to let that happen. Lesson learned. The grass is definitely not always greener on the other side. By the way.....we are putting up our house for sale. The realtor comes today.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I honestly think that my mistake has made our marriage stronger. The last week I have seen my H in a whole new light. He has really been trying and I have finally seen that. It's made your marriage stronger on your side of things, how you look at your husband now, maybe you appreciate what you have with him more now than before. Problem is, the revelation is only coming from you, not from BOTH of you. I can see the telling/not telling is going to weigh in your mind for a long time, and honestly, I'm not sure how long you will be able to live with the guilt. Do a site search on inapanic, she had an affair and ended up confessing to her husband. It was rough for a while, and as much as it hurt her telling, the weight was lifted off her shoulders, she took the chance - I mean her H could have shown her the door, but he didn't. Glad to hear you're moving, that will make getting over the exMM neighbour much easier.
scubafish Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 The only problem with that one is, if he finds out years later, and the ussually do, it'll be even worse, because the years that they were still together will be nothing but a Lie! I never quite get it when people say this, why is it a lie? If they move, and the marriage becomes stronger, and they relate better together, why is that living a 'lie'? if this was a one time event, and she is not a serial cheater, why should she throw away the chance at getting everything back on track? some people can live in the present and not dwell on past. If she can be like this, then I think she should not tell, and throw herself 110% into making a good life in new location with husband. but, if she is the type that will only keep on beating herself up mentally over it, then maybe she should tell. I have done some things in my past I did not like, but I do not dwell on them, and unless something reminds me of that moment, it is pretty much forgotten. it makes life a whole lot easier! and happier-
LifesontheUp Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I never quite get it when people say this, why is it a lie? If they move, and the marriage becomes stronger, and they relate better together, why is that living a 'lie'? if this was a one time event, and she is not a serial cheater, why should she throw away the chance at getting everything back on track? some people can live in the present and not dwell on past. If she can be like this, then I think she should not tell, and throw herself 110% into making a good life in new location with husband. but, if she is the type that will only keep on beating herself up mentally over it, then maybe she should tell. I have done some things in my past I did not like, but I do not dwell on them, and unless something reminds me of that moment, it is pretty much forgotten. it makes life a whole lot easier! and happier- So the marriage moves on and possibly becomes stronger without the husband even knowing the depth of lies and betrayal that has occurred? Sorry but thats highly unlikely. You cannot honestly believe that is the better thing to do especially if the husband does not know the depth of their problems. Why shouldn't he be given the choice on what to do about his marriage after all they made marriage vows to each other. This isn't a small matter that can be brushed under the carpet like she maxed out his credit card or something like that.....she slept with a close friend of his. What you are purporting to do is put a band aid over the problems, just forget about it in the hopes that the marriage will get stronger. Sorry but they need to get counselling to sort through the issues in the marriage that led to the affair. IMHO just saying lesson learnt isn't going to fix anything. Both partners need to understand what went wrong in the marriage and work together at fixing it if thats what both want.
american-woman Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Then they(MC) are not pro-marriage. You must have Radical Honesty in a marriage.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 30, 2007 Posted November 30, 2007 I honestly think that my mistake has made our marriage stronger. The last week I have seen my H in a whole new light. He has really been trying and I have finally seen that. I am 50/50 on the telling him part. Part of me still feels as if I should be the one to carry the guilt. For any of you Christians out there, I have truly asked for forgiveness and guidance. I hope that one day I will be able to forgive myself and to continue on. J, Beware of rationalizations. They will only help you bury the guilt deep so that it festers and boils! I can guarantee you of this... the affair has not helped your marriage in any way! If things work out... it will be despite the affair, not because of it. The guilt... I dont think it's going to help you. What it will do is force you to accept things that you previously need not! I am a christian. It is warming to hear that you pray for forgiveness. If you share my faith then you understand that full honesty is required for true repentance. I know that if you do what is right, and face the mistakes you have made... that things will work out for you and your family in the end. I think you are a good person.
RecordProducer Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 Jtalia, you can choose to be moral and alleviate your pain (but bring a lot of misery), or to keep the guilt and preserve the marriage. It's still fresh; that's the why the guilt is eating you up. Give it some more time, move, don't contact the neighbor or his wife, and see how you feel after a while. Remember, you can always tell, but you can't un-tell! You know what they say? If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all. Certainly, there is nothing nice about lying, but the TRUTH is your affair improved your marriage. Do you want to ruin your marriage? If you manage to push down your guilt, you can make the marriage work. A person I know once said, "Sex is like putting a spoon in a glas of water: you put then take the spoon out and no one can tell it was ever in the glass." On a more serious note, nobody knows about the affair and the practical consequences are such that no one got hurt (except you).Part of me still feels as if I should be the one to carry the guilt. Then carry it yourself; don't selfishly share the burden with your husband. Admit it, you feel like telling him because you want to make it easier for yourself, not because it will somehow help him or your marriage. As for fairness, I would rather be married to someone happily for many years and never find out about an affair he had than have my dreams of a great love destroyed by discovering the truth. I know in my heart that he will not leave. He told me that nothing would tear him away from me and he kept emphasizing nothing. Often, when people love so unconditionally, they can't even imagine that their partner would possibly do something like cheating to them. What does "nothing" mean? What if you cut his limbs off? Would he still stay with you? So, it's not really nothing. Besides, your goal is not to stay in misery - you wanted to escape the misery in the first place. Your goal is to have a happy marriage. You had a crisis, you had an affair, your marriage improved due to it; now enjoy it. The goal justifies the means.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 1, 2007 Posted December 1, 2007 BS record producer. And I'm gonna tell you why. Not only is it bad to live with a lie of that magnitude it makes you seem like your whole marriage is a lie. Why would any man want to be with a woman who's a cheater. If she comes clean and said what she done she has a chance to make the marriage better in the first place!!! If he finds out somewhere down the line that she's a cheating ho, then he's gonna ask why didnt she tell him then, The thing is a man doesnt want to hear: I thought you would leave me!!! The fact is the actual cheating doesnt end the relationship it's the lies behind it! Being honest with your husband and yourself is the right way to do things! Your only hurting yourself by keeping the lies a secret!!! Would you want to know if your husband has been unfaithful or find out at the last minute when he was leaving you? What kind of world do you want to live in? Why keep the lies a secret? You only make it worse in the long run!
IpAncA Posted December 2, 2007 Posted December 2, 2007 I never quite get it when people say this, why is it a lie? If they move, and the marriage becomes stronger, and they relate better together, why is that living a 'lie'? Because she's leading her H on by letting him believe that he's in an exclusive relationship and an honest one when he's not. She broke that and he doesn't know or does know and it waiting for her to take responsiblity for her actions.
Author jtalia Posted December 3, 2007 Author Posted December 3, 2007 J, Beware of rationalizations. They will only help you bury the guilt deep so that it festers and boils! I can guarantee you of this... the affair has not helped your marriage in any way! If things work out... it will be despite the affair, not because of it. The guilt... I dont think it's going to help you. What it will do is force you to accept things that you previously need not! I am a christian. It is warming to hear that you pray for forgiveness. If you share my faith then you understand that full honesty is required for true repentance. I know that if you do what is right, and face the mistakes you have made... that things will work out for you and your family in the end. I think you are a good person. Thanks Cobra. I appreciate it. I know that it will come to me confessing. I almost told him the other night but something told me to wait. I know he needs to know and when I can build up the correct way to tell him, I will.
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