jtalia Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I have been in a rocky marriage for the last several years. I have never had the courage to leave because of our kids. I know that is not a reason to stay married, but nonetheless I stayed. The last few months have been the worst as I have had an affair with a close friend of ours. The MM happens to be our next door neighbor. (I am sure some of you have already read my other thread). I have been doing good with the NC with the neighbor and it has been very hard. I am sure the only reason I am attracted to him is because it is exciting and new. We would cause a lot of hurt in our family’s lives if we tried to get together. He is also 14 years my senior. Which age is not a problem for me, but it is a factor. I really, really want to end this affair for good. The problem with having NC is that he is my neighbor and I have to see him when he is out or he and my H are talking. Plus we do stuff frequently with he and his wife. If we quit doing things, there would be some suspicion. This has made it extremely difficult to get him out of my head. Anyways, my H has really been trying to make things work between us. I really want to try as I feel that I can get back to the way we once were. I know he is in love with me. It has been hard for me to take all this niceness he has been doing because he was a very verbally abusive spouse. Now, he says nothing but sweet things and helps me out around the house etc. I first thought this was a phase like always, but he has kept it up since Feb. I know I made a horrible choice in having the affair. I don’t know what I was trying to gain from it. I do have feelings for my neighbor and that makes it harder for me to try. My H made a comment the other night that he sees how my neighbor and I look at each other. He says it is with “goo goo” eyes and that it makes him jealous. He doesn’t know of the affair, but I am sure he has his suspicion of it. Today, my H mention that maybe it would be a good idea if we moved. (I have been trying to get him to move since the affair started cause I knew I would have a problem stopping it). He never wanted to move before and thought I was nuts. Of course, I could never tell him the real reason I wanted to move. (to get away from the neighbor). I think he has cause for concern in my neighbor and I starting something. I totally agree with the move and we are talking of putting our house up for sale after the first of the year. I know that I can focus on my marriage if the neighbor was out of the picture. I hope that I can anyways. So, my question is, if we move, should I let my H know of the affair so that we can move on?? Or would it be wise to try to suppress that memory only to know that it was a weakness that I had? I know by telling him, he would still stay with me and would want to work on our marriage. If I chose to tell him, would it be too much of me to ask him to keep it between us and not let the neighbor’s wife know? I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s life. If the neighbor chooses not to tell his wife, that is his choice. I just don’t know if I could live with her knowing and what would become of it. I know that is a risk one takes when stooping to an affair.
blindsidedagain Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 IMO, you should do the following: Stop the affair immediately Inform your husband Work on you marriage (You need to do the work) Go to counseling with him and by yourself Don't minimize the gravity of what you have done. For me, learning of my wife's affair was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I have been in a rocky marriage for the last several years. I have never had the courage to leave because of our kids. I know that is not a reason to stay married, but nonetheless I stayed. The last few months have been the worst as I have had an affair with a close friend of ours. The MM happens to be our next door neighbor. (I am sure some of you have already read my other thread). I have been doing good with the NC with the neighbor and it has been very hard. I am sure the only reason I am attracted to him is because it is exciting and new. We would cause a lot of hurt in our family’s lives if we tried to get together. He is also 14 years my senior. Which age is not a problem for me, but it is a factor. I really, really want to end this affair for good. The problem with having NC is that he is my neighbor and I have to see him when he is out or he and my H are talking. Plus we do stuff frequently with he and his wife. If we quit doing things, there would be some suspicion. This has made it extremely difficult to get him out of my head. Anyways, my H has really been trying to make things work between us. I really want to try as I feel that I can get back to the way we once were. I know he is in love with me. It has been hard for me to take all this niceness he has been doing because he was a very verbally abusive spouse. Now, he says nothing but sweet things and helps me out around the house etc. I first thought this was a phase like always, but he has kept it up since Feb. I know I made a horrible choice in having the affair. I don’t know what I was trying to gain from it. I do have feelings for my neighbor and that makes it harder for me to try. My H made a comment the other night that he sees how my neighbor and I look at each other. He says it is with “goo goo” eyes and that it makes him jealous. He doesn’t know of the affair, but I am sure he has his suspicion of it. Today, my H mention that maybe it would be a good idea if we moved. (I have been trying to get him to move since the affair started cause I knew I would have a problem stopping it). He never wanted to move before and thought I was nuts. Of course, I could never tell him the real reason I wanted to move. (to get away from the neighbor). I think he has cause for concern in my neighbor and I starting something. I totally agree with the move and we are talking of putting our house up for sale after the first of the year. I know that I can focus on my marriage if the neighbor was out of the picture. I hope that I can anyways. So, my question is, if we move, should I let my H know of the affair so that we can move on?? Or would it be wise to try to suppress that memory only to know that it was a weakness that I had? I know by telling him, he would still stay with me and would want to work on our marriage. If I chose to tell him, would it be too much of me to ask him to keep it between us and not let the neighbor’s wife know? I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s life. If the neighbor chooses not to tell his wife, that is his choice. I just don’t know if I could live with her knowing and what would become of it. I know that is a risk one takes when stooping to an affair. If your husband cheated on you, would you want to know about it? Or would you rather never know? IMO, I think your H deserves the truth. Moving is a good idea - the longer you are around the MM, the longer it'll take for your H and you to work out your issues. How do you know that your H doesn't already know?
Letranger Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Tough question. I've heard some therapists say dont tell. thats a tough one
Author jtalia Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I don't know for sure that he doesn't know. He may suspect something though. He did tell me that he sees how the MM and I look at each other. I did tell the MM what he said so that we will be very cautious not to do it again. I know he does deserve the truth. Sometimes I feel that things are better left unsaid. I know I made a mistake and I will have to live with that. But should he? I am not sure if I would want to know if he had an affair. I always told myself if he cheated on me that I would leave. I can't believe I would ever do that to him. I was at an all time low. Knowing my H, I know if I told him he would still want to work things out. I guess I could wait until after the move and then tell him so he doesn't have to be right next door to him. I wouldn't want him to have to be so uncomfortable all the time......
Tripper Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 And so you are stuck in the middle of a moral dilemma. If you don't tell your H the truth you will have to live with the guilt of your actions. Forever. Can you do that?? If you do tell H about your affair, it opens the door for to the opportunity to work on your marriage. MC would be a good next step, after telling your H. Discovering why you cheated, and examining the issues in your marriage that caused you to cheat could strengthen your M. Tough choice.
cj1988 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 All I can tell you is that I believe my H had an affair, which he denies of course and it is killing me NOT knowing the truth. I do not see me baing able to be married much longer if he does not come clean. Now, if he did it would be hard, but at least I would know and could deal with it instead of the torture of the UNKNOWN, it is worst than anything you can imagine. My H use to make GOO GOO eyes with the OW as well, I am not the only one that was aware of it, but he still says I am crazy and treats me like crap because I accused him of such ! So, tell him if you think he knows, if not......you have to live a LIE forever !
Ladyjane14 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I haven't changed my opinion since your last thread. I still think you should work through this question with a trained therapist.
Darth Vader Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I don't know for sure that he doesn't know. He may suspect something though. He did tell me that he sees how the MM and I look at each other. I did tell the MM what he said so that we will be very cautious not to do it again. I know he does deserve the truth. Sometimes I feel that things are better left unsaid. I know I made a mistake and I will have to live with that. But should he? I am not sure if I would want to know if he had an affair. I always told myself if he cheated on me that I would leave. I can't believe I would ever do that to him. I was at an all time low. Knowing my H, I know if I told him he would still want to work things out. I guess I could wait until after the move and then tell him so he doesn't have to be right next door to him. I wouldn't want him to have to be so uncomfortable all the time...... If you would've left him, doesn't he have the same right to make that choice on his own, without you making that choice for him? Right now you're stringing him along, even allowing him to think that he's crazy, or even telling him that he's crazy, that's verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse. It wasn't a mistake, a person doesn't accidently have sex, it's intensional! Tell your husband!
LifesontheUp Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Honesty is the best policy. You've already told us that you know your husband would stay and work on the marriage so what are you waiting for? Surely you can't let your husband continue to chat to this OM whilst he doesn't know what went on between you? You could ask your husband to keep this between yourselves but at the end of the day I think you should allow your husband the choice on this. In my opinion the OMs wife should be told.
Woggle Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You made the choice to cheat so you have to deal with whatever consequences come with that action. Tell him and let the chips fall where they may. He has a right to know so he can make a fully informed decision.
gullible Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I would definitely agree with everyone else that you should tell him if it wasn't for this comment: Anyways, my H has really been trying to make things work between us. I really want to try as I feel that I can get back to the way we once were. I know he is in love with me. It has been hard for me to take all this niceness he has been doing because he was a very verbally abusive spouse. Now, he says nothing but sweet things and helps me out around the house etc. He was verbally abusive. Now he's being nice to you because he suspects you're having an affair and he thinks that he has to be nice in order to keep you. I would be afraid that as soon as I told him that I had had an affair that the niceness would stop and the verbal abuse would be even worse than it had before.
Darth Vader Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 The only problem with that one is, if he finds out years later, and the ussually do, it'll be even worse, because the years that they were still together will be nothing but a Lie!
LifesontheUp Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I would definitely agree with everyone else that you should tell him if it wasn't for this comment: He was verbally abusive. Now he's being nice to you because he suspects you're having an affair and he thinks that he has to be nice in order to keep you. I would be afraid that as soon as I told him that I had had an affair that the niceness would stop and the verbal abuse would be even worse than it had before. Yes but could this be the famous marital re-write. You know the one..... he treated me sooooooooo bad thats why I had the affair. Not meaning to be nasty but this really does happen and we do not know her husbands side of this.
Woggle Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Yes but could this be the famous marital re-write. You know the one..... he treated me sooooooooo bad thats why I had the affair. Not meaning to be nasty but this really does happen and we do not know her husbands side of this. Exactly. I never believe a cheating woman's sob story because 9 times out of 10 it is BS.
Meaplus3 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I have been in a rocky marriage for the last several years. I have never had the courage to leave because of our kids. I know that is not a reason to stay married, but nonetheless I stayed. The last few months have been the worst as I have had an affair with a close friend of ours. The MM happens to be our next door neighbor. (I am sure some of you have already read my other thread). I have been doing good with the NC with the neighbor and it has been very hard. I am sure the only reason I am attracted to him is because it is exciting and new. We would cause a lot of hurt in our family’s lives if we tried to get together. He is also 14 years my senior. Which age is not a problem for me, but it is a factor. I really, really want to end this affair for good. The problem with having NC is that he is my neighbor and I have to see him when he is out or he and my H are talking. Plus we do stuff frequently with he and his wife. If we quit doing things, there would be some suspicion. This has made it extremely difficult to get him out of my head. Anyways, my H has really been trying to make things work between us. I really want to try as I feel that I can get back to the way we once were. I know he is in love with me. It has been hard for me to take all this niceness he has been doing because he was a very verbally abusive spouse. Now, he says nothing but sweet things and helps me out around the house etc. I first thought this was a phase like always, but he has kept it up since Feb. I know I made a horrible choice in having the affair. I don’t know what I was trying to gain from it. I do have feelings for my neighbor and that makes it harder for me to try. My H made a comment the other night that he sees how my neighbor and I look at each other. He says it is with “goo goo” eyes and that it makes him jealous. He doesn’t know of the affair, but I am sure he has his suspicion of it. Today, my H mention that maybe it would be a good idea if we moved. (I have been trying to get him to move since the affair started cause I knew I would have a problem stopping it). He never wanted to move before and thought I was nuts. Of course, I could never tell him the real reason I wanted to move. (to get away from the neighbor). I think he has cause for concern in my neighbor and I starting something. I totally agree with the move and we are talking of putting our house up for sale after the first of the year. I know that I can focus on my marriage if the neighbor was out of the picture. I hope that I can anyways. So, my question is, if we move, should I let my H know of the affair so that we can move on?? Or would it be wise to try to suppress that memory only to know that it was a weakness that I had? I know by telling him, he would still stay with me and would want to work on our marriage. If I chose to tell him, would it be too much of me to ask him to keep it between us and not let the neighbor’s wife know? I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s life. If the neighbor chooses not to tell his wife, that is his choice. I just don’t know if I could live with her knowing and what would become of it. I know that is a risk one takes when stooping to an affair. I must tell you how much I can relate to you! I myself had an 18 month long ea with the married guy nextdoor. It all started from a friendship with lot's of flirting and hanging out with mm and his w as couples. The pain I endured from this whole mess was very unbearable for the longest time. Many times I wanted to move, Tell mm's W so many thing's ran thru my head, let's just say it made me crazy and I fully admit to that. One year ago last NOV, I could not hide my feeling's for mm. The ea had overwhelemd me and I was to the point where I would cry everyday. It was getting so difficult to hide the ea from my H. So, I told my H of the ea. I did this to rid myself of the guilt and also with knowing that if my H found out about the ea, that would end contact as couples. So I accomplished both thing's by telling my H. My H took it pretty well however we had some VERY bad day's as a result of my betrayel. All last winter and into spring, I saw a therapist. My therapist helped me to remain in NC with the my neighbor and taught me hope to cope with the situation, however come summer I was still feeling hurt by mm and was H*** bent on telling his wife about what went on between us. I read and posted on LS, and through the advice of many I came to the conclusion that telling his wife would be the wrong thing to do and just make matter's worse. If the wife were to know it should come from mm and not me. Well now one year later I finally feel FREE of mm! I dont' feel an emotional connection with him any longer due to a long priod of NC. I can now manange to live nextdoor to him and not have to think of him as anything more than a neighbor. Believe me I never thought I could get back to viewing him this way, but I was able to. So, if you have a minute read back through my post's and see the road I was on. Please use my story as an inspiration that there is hope. This can be done. I advise strict NC and Therapy as a good start. Good luck to you, stay strong. AP:)
IpAncA Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I can see how this is a tough situation but do you know for sure that your H would stay? I think it's easier for people to say they would or wouldn't do something and then once an event happends, they change their mind. Not saying this is your case but people never cease to amaze me. If I was in your shoes and decided to tell him, I would probably tell him before the move. That way he has the chance to leave without moving somewhere else and then finding out about it. He already suspects something because he mentioned moving and said he's jealous. Moving isn't going to solve whatever problems are between you. It will help though. If you both did move and you didn't tell him, I don't see how you could work things out and NOT bring that up. But I do agree that he has the right to know what you've been doing and so does MM's W. But like you said, you know he'd want to stay. My question is, if you know that, when why haven't you told him?
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Exactly. I never believe a cheating woman's sob story because 9 times out of 10 it is BS. A cheating spouse is not going to tell their affair partner the truth - "Yeah, I love my wife, but she isn't meeting all my needs. The marriage is more or less great actually, and I am happy, I just can't be bothered to talk to her and fix it, it's easier and more fun for ME to hook up with you...All that is really missing is the ZING and now meeting you has brought that into my life." I really want to try as I feel that I can get back to the way we once were. You cannot go back. You two crossed the lines and that ended the platonic neighbourly friendship. It's gone and there's no point in even thinking a friendship is a possibility. Also, it's unfair to your husband and his wife, unfair for the kids involved...You both still would be feeding the emotional side of the affair, which is NOT a friendship, it becomes an obsession of feelings and having to 'see' him to get your 'fix'. Best thing to do is move away and get some counselling.
Lizzie60 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Um... I say keep it your dirty little secret... He doesn't need to know... but my bet is that his suspicions have grown so much that he feel the need to separate you from the neighbour.. I think he knows more than you think. So.. don't tell him.. what good would it make? Forget about your MM and move on... and focus on your marriage if that's what you want. Good luck!
bish Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I know that I can focus on my marriage if the neighbor was out of the picture. I hope that I can anyways. So, my question is, if we move, should I let my H know of the affair so that we can move on?? . You tell him...because if you don't...well...sounds like you are having a hard time letting go of your lay on the side. And if its that damn hard for you to give him up, the only thing that is gonna give you a slap across the face to wake up is to have your husband know and face the consequences. He deserves to know anyway. If he somehow finds out years down the road, and don't think he can't, then he will feel like most of his life is a lie and will feel like his life was a huge waste without any choices in things. This happened to me...I never found out, but did years later and I resent the hell out of my XW for allowing me to waste so many years of my short life that I will never get back. He deserves to know...you tell him...otherwise you probably will cheat again, if not stay in contact with this man.
bish Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Um... I say keep it your dirty little secret... He doesn't need to know... but my bet is that his suspicions have grown so much that he feel the need to separate you from the neighbour.. I think he knows more than you think. So.. don't tell him.. what good would it make? Uh..it would give her husband a choice in his life. Nobody should have to waste their life only to find out years later that they would have had a choice in how their life turned out. Don't be so dam selfish.
reboot Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Why wouldn't he deserve to know? Isn't it his life too? It baffles me how people can condone lying.
bish Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 And so you are stuck in the middle of a moral dilemma. If you don't tell your H the truth you will have to live with the guilt of your actions. Forever. Can you do that?? Phffft...of course they can. Thats the easy way out..I don't care what anyone says about it either.
bish Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Yes but could this be the famous marital re-write. You know the one..... he treated me sooooooooo bad thats why I had the affair. Not meaning to be nasty but this really does happen and we do not know her husbands side of this. Oh that happened to me. My wife and I argued all the time because I found out she cheated...I'd say bad things...she'd say them too...but it was ME that she tried to smear. Sometimes the "verbal abuse" goes both ways and all it is is plain old arguing, not getting along....but then one side says "he/she verbally abused me"...when they were guilty of it too.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Anyways, my H has really been trying to make things work between us. I really want to try as I feel that I can get back to the way we once were. I know he is in love with me. It has been hard for me to take all this niceness he has been doing because he was a very verbally abusive spouse. Now, he says nothing but sweet things and helps me out around the house etc. I first thought this was a phase like always, but he has kept it up since Feb. I know I made a horrible choice in having the affair. I know that I can focus on my marriage if the neighbor was out of the picture. Look, your H already knows in his heart. He is just denying the truth for the simple reason that he wants to believe better of you. I dont know what to tell you. I do not believe your marriage should survive. My primary suggestion would be to file for divorce and never tell him of the affair. I mean... the lack of respect for him is tangible. I don't understand why you would want to be with someone you do not respect, and have to struggle to love. However, it seems you are set on staying. In this there is no question, if you wish to heal, you must tell him. Not, just for him... but for both of you. The truth will set you free!
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