CallMeCrazy Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hi everyone, So I'm still working through a lot of things, just like (i assume) several people reading this site are as well.... I've been involved with a MM for almost a year now, and am in love with him. We were friends for 2 years before I even considered him as anything more than a friend. Well.... He met with an attorney the other day and signed the retainer to start the process of seperation/divorce once the holidays are over. He's telling me that as soon as the holidays are over he is moving out of his house and telling his W he wants out. Initially I had 100% faith in this.... HOWEVER I'd just like to know how many other OW this has happened to?? It seems (by reading through other posts) to be typical that the MM "almost" go through with it.... and then they don't. I was curious what has happened to others?? I'm really hopeful, but at the same time I'm a realist.
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 What you can do for yourself, is cut off ALL intimacy with him, let alone being there for him until the D is final and he's had enough time to sort through his own issues, emotions etc. It won't be easy for him, so give him space and time. IF he has children, that's another big transition.
Tomcat33 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hi Callmecrazy, mine did it. I was in an EA with him for approx 5months and then I broke contact with him and told him to look me up when he was separated, he did he was legally separated and within two months of him living on his own we started to date. It was great but it was very hard too. It is never an easy road and to think that you can jump from relationship to the next seamlessly is really only kidding yourself. HOWEVER never say never. Every situation is different, my guy delivered everything he promised and we played it all by my rules until it came time to divorce he could not do it, and felt pressured from both ends and I broke up with him only to find out he went crawling back to his W when I rejected his contacts after we broke up. But he came looking for me anyway can't seem to let go. Fastforward to 8 months later he is divorcing and never got over me. I unfortunately or fortunately got over him. I saw him recently and the feeling is not mutual anymore. I came a long way and never want to go back. If you have specific questions you'd like to ask ask away I can offer my experience if you think it will help. TC (that's take care ) also my name Tomcat..hehe totally unintentional though
GreenEyedLady Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I'm going through this right now, too, except that he's already told her he wants out and they're going through the process... And no disrespect, WWIU, but I'm there for him...It isn't an easy thing to go through and that's why I am supporting him, because having went through a D, I know what it's like...No matter how much you want it, it's still sad when something ends... And we're partners...If you can't be there in your partner's time of need, what does that say about you as a partner? OP: Just take one day at a time...It's another phase of emotions...I know what you're going through... (((HUGS)))
Author CallMeCrazy Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Thanks!! I've most definitely considered NC until he officially starts the divorce process... However, I always end up coming back to the, "I'm supposed to be there for you and support you" feeling. Not only because I do really want to be there for him, but I have been through a D myself and know how hard it is to come to that realization it didn't work and actually end things. You definitely need support of those closest to you... as odd as that seems coming from the OW. I suppose I'll have a better handle after the holidays, because time will certainly tell!!
norajane Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Thanks!! I've most definitely considered NC until he officially starts the divorce process... However, I always end up coming back to the, "I'm supposed to be there for you and support you" feeling. Not only because I do really want to be there for him, but I have been through a D myself and know how hard it is to come to that realization it didn't work and actually end things. You definitely need support of those closest to you... as odd as that seems coming from the OW. I suppose I'll have a better handle after the holidays, because time will certainly tell!! It's ok to be there for him, as long as you are not his ONLY source of support, as long as your relationship doesn't become all about you supporting him through his divorce (too much sadness and shoulder crying and no actual fun together), AND if he's actually getting the divorce and going through the process...your first post sounded like you might have doubts about that?
Lyssa Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I was curious what has happened to others?? I'm really hopeful, but at the same time I'm a realist. Mine has divorced a few months now. I was with him throughout the whole process. Be prepared for a few emotional rollercoaster ride even after the divorce. Still have a lot to deal with. Must be the distance - for us anyway! I wish you all the best!
bluejeanbebe Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 It's diffucult- to say the least, if not the most emotionally-diffucult thing you will ever go through. I think all of us going thru this will agree. We all have a different story. I'm not a big advocate of the whole 'NC'- thing; I just couldn't bring myself to turn my back on him now. But the divorce process is a big drain on our relationship, even as much as we try to not let it. He doesn't want to talk to me about all what he is going thru and having to deal with her, which I understand; but he doesn't have anyone else as an outlet, and keeps it all bottled up, and at times, will boil over and manifest in other ways. Last week I had my family visiting for most of the week so we really didn't have much alone time until they left saturday. The times we did see each other he seemed bothered by something, but woulnd't say, and then we fought over ~stupid~ things saturday. Finally after arguing and talking for hours, he finally admitted that tuesday, his wife says that she may not be wanting a divorce, and he's been dealing with that eversince. If he can't find an outlet, I'm worried that this will tear our relationship apart.
complicatedlife Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hi everyone, So I'm still working through a lot of things, just like (i assume) several people reading this site are as well.... I've been involved with a MM for almost a year now, and am in love with him. We were friends for 2 years before I even considered him as anything more than a friend. Well.... He met with an attorney the other day and signed the retainer to start the process of seperation/divorce once the holidays are over. He's telling me that as soon as the holidays are over he is moving out of his house and telling his W he wants out. Initially I had 100% faith in this.... HOWEVER I'd just like to know how many other OW this has happened to?? It seems (by reading through other posts) to be typical that the MM "almost" go through with it.... and then they don't. I was curious what has happened to others?? I'm really hopeful, but at the same time I'm a realist. I was also very good friends with mine before we became romantically involved - we met on a professional level. I chose not to date him unless he was not with his wife anymore - guess what? He DID leave - went to an attorney, told her, became legally separated, moved out. We then began to see each other - I had keys to his apartment and all. I am not sure if children are involved in your situation, but they are in mine. That is what happened - he cannot stand being with them only 2 days per week, so now, even though he took all the necessary steps and had all intentions of getting a divorce, he now wants to make an attempt at reconciliation for the kids. He has not moved back into the house with his wife as yet but I hope this doesn't happen to you (the confusion when reality sets in) because I am in an awful place now. I wish you the best.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hi everyone, So I'm still working through a lot of things, just like (i assume) several people reading this site are as well.... I've been involved with a MM for almost a year now, and am in love with him. We were friends for 2 years before I even considered him as anything more than a friend. Well.... He met with an attorney the other day and signed the retainer to start the process of seperation/divorce once the holidays are over. He's telling me that as soon as the holidays are over he is moving out of his house and telling his W he wants out. You mean he's already retained a lawyer and started the separation process but is waiting until after the holidays to inform his wife that he's divorcing her? Sounds like BS to me. What a coward. I wouldn't count on anything until he at least tells her that they're getting divorced.
noforgiveness Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You mean he's already retained a lawyer and started the separation process but is waiting until after the holidays to inform his wife that he's divorcing her? Sounds like BS to me. What a coward. I wouldn't count on anything until he at least tells her that they're getting divorced. I agree. People don't start the divorce process without first discussing it with their spouse. He's just stringing you along a little longer.
frannie Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Well.... He met with an attorney the other day and signed the retainer to start the process of seperation/divorce once the holidays are over. He's telling me that as soon as the holidays are over he is moving out of his house and telling his W he wants out. Initially I had 100% faith in this.... HOWEVER I'd just like to know how many other OW this has happened to?? It seems (by reading through other posts) to be typical that the MM "almost" go through with it.... and then they don't. CMC I think you're right to be wary here. A year ago I was in a similar situation to you, my MM consulted with a solicitor, started making noises about leaving, and was going to 'tell the W' after the holidays. Nothing ever happened. And a year later I've said I'm not seeing him any more unless he's much further down the road than that. And 'never' suits me fine if that's the way it has to be. As you can see from other's experiences, even if they move out, officially separate and you and he start dating... the divorce is somehow never quite managed. Sometimes for years. The MM involved with Together Forever and Baileykeg (although I believe he did finally get a D after years of dating?) spring to mind. What to do as the OW..? Who knows. Certainly complete and utter NC doesn't seem a very sensible approach, for me certainly I think what would I think of a (prospective?) partner who couldn't be there for me during this difficult time..?? But then again, if you're there TOO much for them, they're never going to do anything! Very difficult balancing act. I'll throw out my usual recommendation in these circumstances and ask if you've heard of the book, Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce. I've never read it myself, and it does seem a little simplistic from reviews I've read, however, as a guide to sanity in times like these perhaps anything is worth trying..?
TogetherForever Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I agree. People don't start the divorce process without first discussing it with their spouse. He's just stringing you along a little longer. I did. My exh didn't know until I called him & asked him to sign the papers.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 If you called him to sign papers that means you were already separated....you're saying it was a total surprise you sprang on him, like "Just calling to remind you to pick up some milk, and oh yeah, can you sign these divorce papers because I'm leaving you".
TogetherForever Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 If you called him to sign papers that means you were already separated....you're saying it was a total surprise you sprang on him, like "Just calling to remind you to pick up some milk, and oh yeah, can you sign these divorce papers because I'm leaving you". When I found out he was screwing a couple of chicks I told him I was leaving, found a house, packed my kids up & left. He thought it was a brief separation. I filed for divorce & when I was notified the papers were ready to be finalized, I called my exh, told him I filed divorce papers & needed his sig. When the papers were ready he met me at the office & signed the papers. Easy as that. So yes it was sort of a surprise to him cause he believed I'd only be away for a short while. Whatever way works for ya I guess.
child_of_isis Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This is just a personal opinion, but I believe if a person does not take the proper time to process, and they jump right into another R, they are heading for rocky times. The new R has to sustain, and carry, the excess emotional baggage. That very well may mean YOU. I call it the "wounded man" syndrome. It will suck the life right out of you.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hi CMC, You won't know whether he is seriously divorcing until his actions match his words. My MM separated, filed, sold his house to split finances. I supported him through it and I am glad I did because he needed support at that time. He found other support from his parents and his friend. However, it got really tough. You have to be strong enough to allow him to grieve a relationship, a whole history, many happy memories with his wife. And whilst you're sitting wondering when your future is going to start, he is in emotional turmoil. Its a difficult - though not impossible - situation to be in. Its very difficult for you though, and I know firsthand how hard it is to feel scared, uncertain, secondguess his quietness, wonder if he's not happy with "us" or whether he's grieving - and have to figure it out myself so I dont push him too much whilst grieving. My MM returned after 9 months mainly for his children. We're now back to separation mode 5 months later, although I would say he is in the "ping-pong" affect. However, we've been on a false start and I'm glad he returned so he knew for sure that leaving is the right thing - that he tried for his M. Being an OW is acting in blind faith. If you trust in him, your R and yourself, you'll know you're acting correctly, whether its blind faith or not. But if your instincts are telling you something isn't right, trust them. My best advice is not to step away, but offer him time. Offer him space. Reassure him with all the love you have for him, but surround yourself with a good support system which will aid you in the low times. Good luck x
nadiaj2727 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Thanks!! I've most definitely considered NC until he officially starts the divorce process... However, I always end up coming back to the, "I'm supposed to be there for you and support you" feeling. Not only because I do really want to be there for him, but I have been through a D myself and know how hard it is to come to that realization it didn't work and actually end things. You definitely need support of those closest to you... as odd as that seems coming from the OW. I suppose I'll have a better handle after the holidays, because time will certainly tell!! Don't be his mattress. He needs to be his own support as it is HIS decision to end his marriage. You don't want to feel he's doing it for you nor have him throw that back up at you later. That's different than in a regular relationship where two people got involved without one having to divorce their marriage partner. That is not the kind of support you should be asked to give... he shouldn't WANT to drag you into this mess. I think you should just tell him that since he can't do it until after the holidays, you want to give him time to make sure that's what he wants and to go through it on his own, and to come back when he can give you all of himself. You can support him by giving him all of yourself ONLY when he is supporting you by giving him all of yourself. That's only fair honey. Good luck.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This is just a personal opinion, but I believe if a person does not take the proper time to process, and they jump right into another R, they are heading for rocky times. The new R has to sustain, and carry, the excess emotional baggage. That very well may mean YOU. I call it the "wounded man" syndrome. It will suck the life right out of you. I agree. I will no longer start a new relationship until I've officially completed the old relationship, and I won't let anyone else do that to me. It's selfish and unfair to both W and OW. And it only transfers problems from one relationship to the next. Sometimes the problem is the cheater, and no matter how supportive a partner OW tries to be and no matter how much she blames his problems on his W, she may soon see that no woman is good enough for this man to be happy with, because he's not happy himself. I know it's easy to say that when I'm not involved in your situation, callmecrazy. But I think you should at least listen to and consider the advice from those who are thinking of YOUR best interest and not your MM's best interest. You need to take care of yourself first and let him do the same, then you two can take care of each other.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 CMC I think you're right to be wary here. A year ago I was in a similar situation to you, my MM consulted with a solicitor, started making noises about leaving, and was going to 'tell the W' after the holidays. Nothing ever happened. And a year later I've said I'm not seeing him any more unless he's much further down the road than that. And 'never' suits me fine if that's the way it has to be. As you can see from other's experiences, even if they move out, officially separate and you and he start dating... the divorce is somehow never quite managed. Sometimes for years. The MM involved with Together Forever and Baileykeg (although I believe he did finally get a D after years of dating?) spring to mind. What to do as the OW..? Who knows. Certainly complete and utter NC doesn't seem a very sensible approach, for me certainly I think what would I think of a (prospective?) partner who couldn't be there for me during this difficult time..?? But then again, if you're there TOO much for them, they're never going to do anything! Very difficult balancing act. I'll throw out my usual recommendation in these circumstances and ask if you've heard of the book, Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce. I've never read it myself, and it does seem a little simplistic from reviews I've read, however, as a guide to sanity in times like these perhaps anything is worth trying..? Yep. My xMM told his wife he wanted divorced (at least according to him, but he's a liar), said she said she wanted divorced too, but then changed her mind, actually MOVED OUT of their house to live separately from her (which in my easily-persuaded head meant they were going through with it), and told me they were constantly exchanging "the papers" and figuring out what to do with the house. Uh huh. It was all BS to string me along. It was all stuff he wanted to do and maybe was doing, but it wasn't enough because it wasn't the actual divorce. Don't listen to his words, I say wait for his ACTION of going through with the divorce until you let your heart be strung along any longer. Don't let him say he's in the "process" of divorce either, as it's what they say to keep your hopes up. As you can see from other OWs on here whose MM/ xMM were even legally separated, saw attorneys, talked about divorce, said they were getting divorced, etc... and then STILL stayed with wifey, well, they usually SAY a lot and do little, because they're cowards, plain and simple. I like IO's point that he's being cowardly by going behind her back to start the process and staying with her for the holidays. Ewww. What kind of character is that, why can't he just be straight with her despite the consequences in his perfect little world? I don't mean to be harsh about your man, but it's something to think about. How would you feel if you were his wife, unsuspecting all during the holidays that he had started the divorce process without even telling you and was having an affair with someone else all along?
Author CallMeCrazy Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 The excuse/reason he has given me for waiting until the holidays are over is because of his kids... He has two ~ 12,14 ~ and he told me that his parents divorced right before the holidays when he was a child and that he could never ever do that to his own kids?? I guess that sounded reasonable to me, but who ever really knows? In my mind, if he hasn't done it (officially) by the end of the year, I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to his W, his family or to me. I'm not willing to fight for someone who doesn't WANT to be with me. I don't like sharing
GreenEyedLady Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 The excuse/reason he has given me for waiting until the holidays are over is because of his kids... He has two ~ 12,14 ~ and he told me that his parents divorced right before the holidays when he was a child and that he could never ever do that to his own kids?? I guess that sounded reasonable to me, but who ever really knows? In my mind, if he hasn't done it (officially) by the end of the year, I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to his W, his family or to me. I'm not willing to fight for someone who doesn't WANT to be with me. I don't like sharing That's totally normal...In fact, alot of couples do wait until after the holidays for that reason, so don't let others try and say it's weird...If it was a BS splitting, they would suggest waiting until after the holidays too... I'm behind you in whatever you do... (((HUGS)))
complicatedlife Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 That's totally normal...In fact, alot of couples do wait until after the holidays for that reason, so don't let others try and say it's weird...If it was a BS splitting, they would suggest waiting until after the holidays too... I'm behind you in whatever you do... (((HUGS))) GEL, you are always so supportive - I am usually always smiling when I am done reading your posts. CMC - I share GEL's sentiments.
nadiaj2727 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 The excuse/reason he has given me for waiting until the holidays are over is because of his kids... He has two ~ 12,14 ~ and he told me that his parents divorced right before the holidays when he was a child and that he could never ever do that to his own kids?? I guess that sounded reasonable to me, but who ever really knows? In my mind, if he hasn't done it (officially) by the end of the year, I can't keep doing this. It's not fair to his W, his family or to me. I'm not willing to fight for someone who doesn't WANT to be with me. I don't like sharing There's always a reason/ excuse married men give their mistresses for not leaving their wife. I'm sorry if it sounds to you that I'm being unsupportive, but I'm trying to support you with tough love to realistically assess the situation and realize there will ALWAYS be something else after the holidays for him to use as an excuse not to leave, especially when there are children involved and he has used them as an excuse before. More importantly though, there is never a reason that we women should accept being second fiddle, and shouldn't start putting ourselves first. I think, the sooner the better, always. You shouldn't have to share your life and heart for him with another woman. PS My advice would be the same for a BS. I don't think ANY woman should share the man she loves with someone else. If he wants to continue letting himself be shared (for whatever reason/ excuse), either OW or BS (hopefully both!!) should walk away from him because that's just selfish.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 GEL, you are always so supportive - I am usually always smiling when I am done reading your posts. CMC - I share GEL's sentiments. Thanks! My goal is to be supportive, in my way, and in concert with what each person chooses for themself... I'd have pm'd you, but you don't have enough posts yet...You should enable them as soon as you hit 100... GEL
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