norajane Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 No, I don't think it's the realness. I think it's the loss of control because he's a bit of a control-freak and can't handle it when he starts to feel like he's not directing, it's not his idea, someone else is taking over the decision-making and planning. That's why when YOU want to talk about something, you're hesitant because you are afraid of his reaction - that he will shut down or get weird about it. Whereas, if HE brings up the exact same subject, he's all chatty and talky, UNTIL you start putting your two cents in, or the conversation takes on a different direction that he didn't foresee. Just like the staying at his place while he was gone. He didn't like it because it wasn't his idea, it wasn't part of his plan, and he felt a loss of control... Just like the money issues. He wanted to direct how much he would pay and how much you would pay and for what and everything. And I'll bet that if YOU were the one to bring up house discussions and if YOU had plans or ideas about the house that you were putting forth, he'd get weird about that, too. But as long as you follow his lead on the subject, he's all good with the conversation. He likes being in control and being the one to make the decisions and plans and to lead the discussions. Any hint of him losing his position of power and of being in control and he doesn't like it.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Well, he can be a bit of a control freak your right about that. I have made it clear to him that I want to make decisions as well, and I actually have. And we actually did work out the money issues, whatever his deal was. Everything is great right now, you are right though he does have weird reactions when he feels like he is losing control. I usually don't let him do that though about other things besides the marriage and children stuff. I don't want to push him by talking about that too much because I don't want him to think i'm pressuring him though. I think he's trying to realize that we are in this relationship together and its not just him.
norajane Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 OK, so you know that about him. Remember it and use it when this sort of thing happens - don't let it throw you into a panic when he gets weird about something, don't automatically think that he's not into you, or into getting married, or whatever the issue is. Keep in mind that he's feeling a loss of control and he'll get over it. Eventually, you'll be able to laugh about it when it happens...there he goes again, letting his controlling side take over. Eventually, once you're more secure with him, you'll even be able to tease him about it...ok, ok, hun, you can pick out the "right" peanut butter.
Star Gazer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Very interesting perspective, NJ. I think I may have changed my mind....
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Once again, nj comes through. "So Honey, what colour should my shoes be?"
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Once again, nj comes through. "So Honey, what colour should my shoes be?" Yeah, you did! That's why I posted this, so I could get some different perspectives on the situation. He's going to have to get over his loss of control thing, because i'm not giving it up!
Star Gazer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 He's going to have to get over his loss of control thing, because i'm not giving it up! You want him to give up control so that YOU can have control?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 You want him to give up control so that YOU can have control? Lol nooooooo! I just meant that we should have equal control and make joint decisions. He's not going to take over all the control in the relationship and I'm not going to let him. I'm actually not very controlling, but i do like to have my say in things.
norajane Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 It comes from years of experience in dealing with the men in my Eastern European family. I'm sure you all saw "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? I dug up this quote: Toula: Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!" Maria: Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 It comes from years of experience in dealing with the men in my Eastern European family. I'm sure you all saw "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"? I dug up this quote: Toula: Ma, Dad is so stubborn. What he says goes. "Ah, the man is the head of the house!" Maria: Let me tell you something, Toula. The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants. Lol..that's funny. I can't figure out my bf sometimes, he's so confusing. It's like he can't make up his mind, he says he is independent and wants an equal partner, yet he tends to put me in the "submissive wife" role. Maybe the way he was raised I don't know. I was talking to his mom and she says she raised him to be real independent, yet when he is home he wants his mom to cook for him and do things for him. It's real ironic, because he interacts with me that way too.
Racquel Colette Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 My ex would say things like "I'm 85% sure you are the guy I am going to marry. Does that scare you?" I'd say "yes, to be honest it does, as it is too soon to be talking about those things" and she'd get all pissy at me. She was saying those things 3 months into the relationship. Damn straight it scared me. Marraige is serious. Even a hypothetical "when we get married" is serious. To flat out say "I think you are the guy I am going to marry. What do you think about that?" freaked me out, because in my mind I was thinking "shouldn't we at least have a fight first before we talk about marriage?" What happened here is that you went from hypothetical to REALITY. A lot of guys...we don't want to say "I love you" unless we really really love you. And we don't want to talk about marriage until it is a looming reality. Planning the wedding should be reserved for when the ring is on your finger. It's one thing to hypothetically say "when/if we get married," making it a reality is a BIG THING. He probably got a bit spooked and it does not mean he does not love you or hope to marry you one day. That is why I say you overreacted. I don't think his reaction means anything negative or is anything to be concerned about. I think it means "I love you, and I hope to marry you someday, but I'm not quite there yet, and talking about it as if it is a looming reality is a bit much for me." Would that be hurtful to you? Maybe. I can see that. But I don't think it is a huge deal that needs a solution. He is actually the one who made it a reality, though, because he's the one who started asking how many bridesmaids she would have.
Recommended Posts