Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Over thanksgiving break, my boyfriend and I went to a party at his friend's house. His friend is getting married next year and he asked my bf to be one of his groomsmen. My bf was thrilled but he said that he feels a little bad because his friend has to disclude about 3 of his other freinds from being in the wedding. This sparked a conversation about my bf's own wedding party and how he wants to have all 7 of his closest friends to be in it. I said that usually in a wedding you have the same number of groomsman as you do bridesmaids. He then proceeded to ask me how many I plan on having, and I said my sister as the maid of honor and 4 bridemaids. He then said, "well would your parents be ok with me having more. Your dad likes me doesn't me?" This took me aback a little because he linked the two together. We then started talking about our wedding and what my parents are going to pay for, ect. Now my point..he said that he wanted his brother to be his best man. My sister is going to be my maid of honor and they are the same age so JOKINGLY I said "aww your sister and my brother, that will be cute." Suddenly he got real weird and said "This is why I don't like to talk about this." and changed the subject. Now what the hell happened? I didn't say anything to him at the time, but why did he get so spooked? I don't understand this. Is it just that he isn't ready to get married? Why was he talking about our wedding then? I'm so confused. Our relationship is PERFECT right now, we are so happy together and we had a wonderful thanksgiving with his parents. It's not like I pressure him to get married, I actually never bring it up! What the hell is the deal here?
Jilly Bean Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 What happened is that he doesn't like your sister, and thinks she's unworthy of his brother.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 What happened is that he doesn't like your sister, and thinks she's unworthy of his brother. lol, very unlikely since they've actually never met!
Jilly Bean Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Doesn't matter. He clearly doesn't like the idea of her with him.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Doesn't matter. He clearly doesn't like the idea of her with him. Are you actually serious? Because I really don't think thats the reason he got freaked. I was thinking maybe because I put it in more of a context that it's actually going to happen. Maybe he figured we were just talking about what would happen if we did get married, and not that we actually are going to. I don't know, I'm very confused.
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I personally think you are overreacting to his comment. That is not to discredit your feelings.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I personally think you are overreacting to his comment. That is not to discredit your feelings. What do you mean?
Star Gazer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I still think your BF speaks of a wedding and marriage as a hypothetical. You bringing up his sister and your brother made it seem all the more REAL to him, which wigged him out. Don't worry about it, let it just all come naturally with time. As I always tell you (and now you tell me too ), don't pick your relationship apart. Enjoy it.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I still think your BF speaks of a wedding and marriage as a hypothetical. You bringing up his sister and your brother made it seem all the more REAL to him, which wigged him out. Don't worry about it, let it just all come naturally with time. As I always tell you (and now you tell me too ), don't pick your relationship apart. Enjoy it. Thanks SG..yeah I just talked to my mom and thats what she said too. Well, I hope he's not committment phobic or anything..it freaks me out a little that he's so skiddish. I really hope that will go away...
Star Gazer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 He's not skiddish. He's cautious...as he should be. Marriage isn't anything to take lightly.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Yeah I guess so. It's hard to not analyze things, because I love the kid so much. Our relationship is so awesome right now, so I'm trying not to get caught up in the whole marriage thing. It's hard when he does weird stuff like that though, I suppose thats my nature as a therapist to try to find a solution and figure out the reason behind things.
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 My ex would say things like "I'm 85% sure you are the guy I am going to marry. Does that scare you?" I'd say "yes, to be honest it does, as it is too soon to be talking about those things" and she'd get all pissy at me. She was saying those things 3 months into the relationship. Damn straight it scared me. Marraige is serious. Even a hypothetical "when we get married" is serious. To flat out say "I think you are the guy I am going to marry. What do you think about that?" freaked me out, because in my mind I was thinking "shouldn't we at least have a fight first before we talk about marriage?" What happened here is that you went from hypothetical to REALITY. A lot of guys...we don't want to say "I love you" unless we really really love you. And we don't want to talk about marriage until it is a looming reality. Planning the wedding should be reserved for when the ring is on your finger. It's one thing to hypothetically say "when/if we get married," making it a reality is a BIG THING. He probably got a bit spooked and it does not mean he does not love you or hope to marry you one day. That is why I say you overreacted. I don't think his reaction means anything negative or is anything to be concerned about. I think it means "I love you, and I hope to marry you someday, but I'm not quite there yet, and talking about it as if it is a looming reality is a bit much for me." Would that be hurtful to you? Maybe. I can see that. But I don't think it is a huge deal that needs a solution.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Thank you so much for your reply Oppath, it really helped me. I'm not scared that he isn't ready to talk about marriage right now, it's more that I'm scared he won't be ready for an extended period of time. I'm not in a huge hurry to get married, but in a few years yes I will be. I just hope he is going to be ready as well.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Why do people even bring up the word "marriage" nvm planning, when they're not ready to go there yet? It freaks me out, especially when it's early in the dating process. I think it sets up unreasonable expectations, unreasonable in that both parties aren't in the frame of mind to proceed with it yet. It's like guys are testing themselves, similar to flirting with fire.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Why do people even bring up the word "marriage" nvm planning, when they're not ready to go there yet? It freaks me out, especially when it's early in the dating process. I think it sets up unreasonable expectations, unreasonable in that both parties aren't in the frame of mind to proceed with it yet. It's like guys are testing themselves, similar to flirting with fire. Yeah, see this is exactly where I get confused. My bf isn't ready to get married, which is totally okay, however he'll bring it up, start talking about it, then freak out. That's where I get confused. It's like he takes 2 steps forward, then 1 step back. We've been together for like 1 year and like 4 months or something like that, which I think is long enough to know if you want a future. and I know he does. The talk about marriage is just confusing for me though.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Yeah, see this is exactly where I get confused. My bf isn't ready to get married, which is totally okay, however he'll bring it up, start talking about it, then freak out. That's where I get confused. It's like he takes 2 steps forward, then 1 step back. We've been together for like 1 year and like 4 months or something like that, which I think is long enough to know if you want a future. and I know he does. The talk about marriage is just confusing for me though. Not surprising. It would bug me too, to the point where I would be tempted to tell him to put up or shut up. I somehow doubt you would do this, as it's not your style. The advice from the others is better. Just relax. Btw, next time he talks about it, just grunt at him.
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Oh yes, I agree, it should be confusing for you, so please don't think I am saying "you are overreacting and should be fine with this." You should feel uspet and confused. He'll bring it up, and then back away when it gets serious. Basically, he has equal responsibility, as I think you have some too. All I am saying is that he's kind of being a moron about it because it scares him a little, and I don't believe there is more too it than that, so don't feel to upset or confused or disappointed.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Oh yes, I agree, it should be confusing for you, so please don't think I am saying "you are overreacting and should be fine with this." You should feel uspet and confused. He'll bring it up, and then back away when it gets serious. Basically, he has equal responsibility, as I think you have some too. All I am saying is that he's kind of being a moron about it because it scares him a little, and I don't believe there is more too it than that, so don't feel to upset or confused or disappointed. Yeah, this is very frustrating. He does the same regarding children as well. He'll always say, "when I have kids" but then somehow link me too the situation, then when we start talking more indepth about it he'll get all weird and freak out again. I guess when he brings up stuff like that I could just not endulge him and just change the conversation. I'm just sick of him bringing it up then getting freaked out. I really hope I don't have to wait around for him to get "unscared." I think i'm going to give myself some more time and if he is still doing this like a year from now then i'm not sure what i'm going to do. I really don't want to be with anyone who is gun shy about marriage.
Star Gazer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 It's like he takes 2 steps forward, then 1 step back. I've found that many men are like this. What matters is the net result: he's still moving forward by +1 each time.
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I've found that many men are like this. What matters is the net result: he's still moving forward by +1 each time. You are good at math too. I've always wanted to meet a gorgeous, strong woman who could actually put two and two together. :love:
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I've found that many men are like this. What matters is the net result: he's still moving forward by +1 each time. Interesting perspective and one that's true. The only problem is that it appears to confuse Lb and truth be told, this slow motion push/pull would drive me to drink. The issue of marriage itself is not something I'm in a hurry for and from the sounds of it, neither is Lb. For me it would be a situation of wanting to tell someone, either piss or get off the pot. Inconsistency isn't good for a relationship.
Ocean-Blue Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Over thanksgiving break, my boyfriend and I went to a party at his friend's house. His friend is getting married next year and he asked my bf to be one of his groomsmen. My bf was thrilled but he said that he feels a little bad because his friend has to disclude about 3 of his other freinds from being in the wedding. This sparked a conversation about my bf's own wedding party and how he wants to have all 7 of his closest friends to be in it. I said that usually in a wedding you have the same number of groomsman as you do bridesmaids. He then proceeded to ask me how many I plan on having, and I said my sister as the maid of honor and 4 bridemaids. He then said, "well would your parents be ok with me having more. Your dad likes me doesn't me?" This took me aback a little because he linked the two together. We then started talking about our wedding and what my parents are going to pay for, ect. Now my point..he said that he wanted his brother to be his best man. My sister is going to be my maid of honor and they are the same age so JOKINGLY I said "aww your sister and my brother, that will be cute." Suddenly he got real weird and said "This is why I don't like to talk about this." and changed the subject. Now what the hell happened? I didn't say anything to him at the time, but why did he get so spooked? I don't understand this. Is it just that he isn't ready to get married? Why was he talking about our wedding then? I'm so confused. Our relationship is PERFECT right now, we are so happy together and we had a wonderful thanksgiving with his parents. It's not like I pressure him to get married, I actually never bring it up! What the hell is the deal here? I wouldn't worry about this too much. You two had a little disagreement - it happens. He was probably being overly sensitive or wanted a reason to stop talking about weddings.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Interesting perspective and one that's true. The only problem is that it appears to confuse Lb and truth be told, this slow motion push/pull would drive me to drink. The issue of marriage itself is not something I'm in a hurry for and from the sounds of it, neither is Lb. For me it would be a situation of wanting to tell someone, either piss or get off the pot. Inconsistency isn't good for a relationship. Thanks TBF, it is the inconsistency that freaks me out. Like I was telling Oppath, the reason this freaks me out is that in a few years when I am ready to get married he will still be scared and not ready. I don't want to be one of those girls who post that they have been with their bfs for 7 years and are still waiting for a ring. I don't want to waste my time with somoene who is never going to want to marry me.
norajane Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I disagree with those who have said that Lauriebell's comment brought the hypothetical conversation to a more 'real' level and that scared him. I say that because HE was the one who brought it to reality about THEIR specific wedding: He then said, "well would your parents be ok with me having more. Your dad likes me doesn't me?" This took me aback a little because he linked the two together. We then started talking about our wedding and what my parents are going to pay for, ect.I think it's more about CONTROL. He's fine discussing wedding and kids and whatnot when HE is the one bringing it up and talking about it, even when he brings it to a very specific, personal level about the two of them, their marriage, their kids. He freaks out, however, when Lauriebell has any suggestions or thoughts or questions that HE didn't come up with...he feels a loss of CONTROL when he's not directing the discussion and planning for their future.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 He freaks out, however, when Lauriebell has any suggestions or thoughts or questions that HE didn't come up with...he feels a loss of CONTROL when he's not directing the discussion and planning for their future. Ok, so why does he feel this way? Because throughout the whole conversation he was fine talking about it, not weirdness or scardness or anything. I was actually really surprised by this. Then all the sudden it was BOOM, he didn't want to talk about it anymore. So, you don't think its the "realness?" Does he feel a loss of control because he's scared? I'm so confused!!! Actually, we talk about a house also. Usually that is him who brings that up too, however he doesn't freak out when we talk about that. I made it clear that I would NOT by a house with him unless we were married so, in talking about our house I suppose he realizes that we would be married at that time. He usually never gets weird about it, he thinks about it all the time. Actually he has said before that "I can decorate the rooms besides the basement, because he wants it to be a guy basement." Acutally he even says "I know you will" so that is making it real. What the hell is his deal?
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