Who Has Is Better?

[bish]

BS or OP.

 

I have to ask because so many responses from OPs tell a story that sounds a lot like this:

 

I don't have to cook for him or clean for him.

 

OR after a D-day:

 

I wouldn't sleep with him/her if I were the spouse knowing what I know.

 

I don't get it.

 

Why does the OP, who was once a willing sexual partner to the same person, now feel that their spouse shouldn't be a willing sexual partner? Or do any of the other things that they have always done in their own marriage?

 

Neither the BS or the OP have it better....they both are attached to a cheater...at least the OP can leave without getting the courts involved.

 

Only difference is, the BS doesn't have much choice, unless they want to divorce, of being attached to the cheater....the OP is just too dumb to realize they are with a cheater unless all they want is side action and not caring about a R.

[TogetherForever]

I tend to believe that the all parties have it better in some way. The bs is now free to find someone who will love them & treat them the way they want/need to be treated, the ws is happier now that they are out of a sad situation/marriage & the ow/om is happy with their new found love.

 

TF

[reboot]

I tend to believe that the all parties have it better in some way. The bs is now free to find someone who will love them & treat them the way they want/need to be treated, the ws is happier now that they are out of a sad situation/marriage & the ow/om is happy with their new found love.

 

TF

And they all lived happily ever after....

[Leia]

And they all lived happily ever after....

 

Altogether!! One big happy family. NOT!

[TogetherForever]

Altogether!! One big happy family. NOT!

 

:rolleyes:No. Of course not all together!! But I'm sure each set of persons will be happier now that all the drama is over.

That goes for the bs, ws, ow etc......

You don't agree?

[reboot]

:rolleyes:No. Of course not all together!! But I'm sure each set of persons will be happier now that all the drama is over.

That goes for the bs, ws, ow etc......

You don't agree?

I agree that it probably happens that way... in rare cases. I don't see how you can think it happens that way very often. It happened that way with you, so that's your perspective. It's a world of hurt and pain for everyone involved most of the time.

[Impudent Oyster]

:rolleyes:No. Of course not all together!! But I'm sure each set of persons will be happier now that all the drama is over.

That goes for the bs, ws, ow etc......

You don't agree?

 

No. What about the kids? Just a minor oversight I'm sure.

[TogetherForever]

No. What about the kids? Just a minor oversight I'm sure.

 

 

Kids adjust.

And they are better off without the drama.

[Gwyneth]

Kids adjust.

And they are better off without the drama.

 

BINGO!!! Correct! Kids DO adjust, and sometimes feel it's better off that mom and dad are not married if all they do is argue. Kids are smart.

[reboot]

You people keep telling yourself this. Kids get hurt. If it makes you feel better to deny that then so be it.

[GreenEyedLady]

Kids are resilient...And if the adults involved, act like adults, they turn out just fine...

 

It's when parents bad-mouth the other parent, use the kids as a way to hurt the other parent or if one parent abandons the kids, that they get hurt...

[reboot]

Kids get hurt either way. They are little people, not robots. What you have to do is decide which thing hurts them the least, and try to work them through that. You don't just say "oh they'll be ok, they're KIDS after all."

[Gwyneth]

You people keep telling yourself this. Kids get hurt. If it makes you feel better to deny that then so be it.

 

Hurt, yes, but my younger sister said she thought it was best her mom and our father divorced. I have heard this from other friends too.

[GreenEyedLady]

Kids get hurt either way. They are little people, not robots. What you have to do is decide which thing hurts them the least, and try to work them through that. You don't just say "oh they'll be ok, they're KIDS after all."

 

You're talking to a divorced mom...And my kids have adjusted fine...They do well in school, have good peer relationships and loving R's with both their parents...

 

Sometimes divorce is necessary...And it hurts everyone, but everyone recovers...

[Lizzie60]

I don't have to cook for him or clean for him...

I don't have to listen at him snoring and farting..

I have the best of everything.. including sex.. and...

I get spoiled..

[Gwyneth]

I don't have to cook for him or clean for him...

I don't have to listen at him snoring and farting..

I have the best of everything.. including sex.. and...

I get spoiled..

 

AMEN to that!

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't have to cook for him or clean for him...

I don't have to listen at him snoring and farting..

I have the best of everything.. including sex.. and...

I get spoiled..

 

I get all of the above and that makes me the happiest GEL ever...

[Ms_Natalie]

Compared to many unfortunate circumstances on here, I appear to have done well with my MM. I will give you the way I felt before he left his wife & how I feel now with him living & being with me. He left his wife 3 months after meeting me (after 17 years of marriage & 3 years of his wife's infidelity), moved in with his mam and now (nearly 3 years on) we have purchased a house together.

 

When I was the OW:

 

* I wanted to wake up next to him every morning.

* Constantly anxious about whether he was honest or not.

* Upset every time he had to travel 130 miles home to her.

* Hated the way I couldnt phone him anytime I wanted to hear his voice.

* Constantly thinking it was all about sex

* Excited about the secrets but anxious about the outcome.

* Christmas day was the worst ever (he left her the day after) knowing he was waking up, sharing presents and being fake happy infront of the children.

* Wondering whether it was all a lost cause

* Excited about the possible future

*Hated falling deeper and deeper in love with him.

 

Now, when I AM his woman;

 

* Love falling deeper and deeper in love with him

* Love sharing the days off in bed together

* Love going around his families' houses to enjoy easter, new year, birthdays

* Love the fact his kids have accepted me as daddys girlfriend

*Love how I can walk around hand in hand with him

* Love showing him off to the world

* Love planning our future together

*Knowing its not all about sex (although it is damn doggy good)

*Knowing I have made him happier in 3 years than she ever did in 17 years.

* Love being 18 years younger than him and proving to everyone that we have worked.

 

 

In my opinion, those two lists pretty much sum it all up...

BTW; I love doing his washing and cooking him food, because it all tells me that what we risked has totally worked out and he is mine for all the right reasons....

[Ms_Natalie]

I tend to believe that the all parties have it better in some way. The bs is now free to find someone who will love them & treat them the way they want/need to be treated, the ws is happier now that they are out of a sad situation/marriage & the ow/om is happy with their new found love.

 

TF

 

 

I agree...well said...

 

To the ones who disagree with this...this question wasnt about the children, but each situation is different, each child is different, therefore each outcome is different.

 

We could analyse children's feelings all day but the truth is; until the parents are happy, there is little hope for the kids.

[Ms_Natalie]

Until it is time to pay the piper for the grief that was caused to people the family. Then the ow/MM may not be smiling as much as they believe they will be. But you will never hear that story.

 

BS should have had the option to be set free so to speak. Not because a third party helped to untie the bounds of a marriage.

 

How can you just assume that all situations are the same. When my parents split years ago, yes I was upset, but now they are both happier than ever and my relationship with the two of them is perfect.

 

Whether a mm deceides to cheat or to leave, the outcome is usually the same. A breakdown of a marriage that was destined to end the same way...

 

If you are happy, then you wouldnt cheat...

thats the way I see it.

[mopar crazy]

I'll have to come back and read the rest of this thread later, need to get to work.

 

Anyhow, who has it better? That is hard to answer. I was an OW years ago, when I was 17-18 years old to a man who was 22-23 yo in a CR. I had a HUGE crush on this man from the time I was 13 but way too young. Anyhow, as I got older and got to know him better we had an A. I didn't know he had a SR until a mutual friend of ours told me. Even though I knew I didn't stop seeing him. It hurt he had a GF but I didn't care as long as I got some time w/ him myself. I never had such strong feelings for another guy like this. I felt she had it better than me b/c she got to be w/ him more. They went out together, went to his parents, was w/ his family, had him on holidays, ya get the picture. The A ended when I moved away from college. I went to go see him a few months later when I was back for a visit. His GF was out of town. When I walked in the door he had tons of girls over there from the class behind me. I felt sick. I wonder what kind of man is this. He was a MAJOR player and it finally opened my eyes to see just that. I was done after that. I had no desire to see this man again. It made me Even though he said he cared for me a lot I knew I was just good for sex, and so was a lot of other women, or should I say girls. I take that back, he did say "Fifteen will give me 20" so I knew that there was nothing going to happen between us until I was 18. Funny thing is this same man, remarried a second time, emailed me. We caught up on our lives and the next thing I know he told me we should meet up in our hometown and have a wild night together. He knew I was M. He said no one would know if I wouldn't tell. He said he LOVED making love to me years ago and wanted to have a fling again. I stopped contact when it got to that point. And this man's nephew is M my niece! Small world huh?

 

FF to about 15 years later, my H had an A 11 years into my M. OMG the PAIN! I never knew knew how hurt I could feel until I found out he was having an A w/ a co-worker, a woman that knew me, knew my children, and even thought we were friends (I didn't want to be friends w/ her b/c I knew she was after my H). She had the best of him. They didn't have the bills, they didn't have the household chores, they didn't have children together to worry about disciplining them, they didn't have the stress of these things or just the stress a M can bring to a couple. They worked together 10 hours a day, 3-5 days a week. B4 I knew my H was having an A he actually like going to his job, would dress up nicer, wear cologne, and he used the excuse b/c of his promotion to supervisor he had to do all those things. I NEVER thought my H would cheat on me, I trusted him so much. This were never say never comes to play. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, depressed, cried non stop. It was HELL!

 

Back to the ?, I think as the OW I had it better.

 

No time to proof read so sorry if there is a bunch of typos.

[TogetherForever]

Until it is time to pay the piper for the grief that was caused to people the family. Then the ow/MM may not be smiling as much as they believe they will be. But you will never hear that story.

 

BS should have had the option to be set free so to speak. Not because a third party helped to untie the bounds of a marriage.

 

 

It wasn't me (the 3rd party) that helped untie those bonds.

So he should've stayed & kept those miserable bonds of marriage tied forever? I don't think so.

He told his wife he was leaving so she could be set free to find what/who truly would make her happy.

I hope I'm around to post about how I had to pay the piper:D.

[daisydufas22]

Kids get hurt either way. They are little people, not robots. What you have to do is decide which thing hurts them the least, and try to work them through that. You don't just say "oh they'll be ok, they're KIDS after all."

 

 

Kids do get hurt!

 

I think most people say, 'kids will adjust' because they are justifying what they are doing.....it's a denial thing!

 

Kids lose respect for parents that live a lie and feel let down.

 

IMO, if people were just honest in their relationships.......it would be better for everyone.

 

If a marriage is over or someone wants to leave for someone else then fine BUT BE HONEST for the sake of all parties invloved!

 

IMO, cheating is selfish, immature and causes too much heartache for all involved. Of course people cheating will justify it anyway they can or want.

 

As for who has it better? In the end......NOBODY has it better, I mean who is really happy living a lie?

[Lizzie60]

Kids with two 'mature' nurturing parents who never fought in front of the kids: yes of course the children get hurt.. even if the parents stay 'civilized' for the children...bottom line.. the kids do not have both parents with them on a daily basis, at meals, etc. .. and that hurts.. kids need stability and security.. when they don't have that, they're sad and can get depressed...

 

Kids with two 'moronic' parents, who are not good parents (alcoholic or into drugs, who fight all the time in front of the kids: then I say, yes .. please get a divorce for the 'sanity' of the children... but in those cases, parents rarely put their children first, their addictions come first.

 

Kids at home when one parent is cheating: If they have no clue (with good parents of course) they will NEVER EVER get hurt.

 

I've known a man who cheated, over 20+ years with the same woman, his wife and children never found out... They were both amazing parents... I suspect that the W knew but she just closed her eyes for the sake of the family. They are still married.. but of course, in their late 80s.

 

In a lot of cases, the children and the spouse do not suffer from an affair.

[reboot]

So he should've stayed & kept those miserable bonds of marriage tied forever?

Well, he didn't stay, but he still has those "miserable bonds of marriage".

 

I don't get that.