ninjaturtles Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Hi there. My ex and I split almost 10 weeks ago. Been in NC, and life is getting better. However, there is a little problem. I have this good friend(male) who has for the past 4 years, wanted a relationship with me. I was always taken, and whilst I was single he was as well. I enjoyed talking to him on the phone etc, but I wasnt sure If I had strong enough feelings for him to date him. Whilst both of us were single, I never gave him a chance. I loveD his company etc, bt never gave him a chance. 2 questions. Recently, I heard that he is getting close to some girl. I felt jealous..however I turned this same guy down just a few days ago. I am very confused cos I know this guy is a good guy. Trust me, he has cared about me for four years but even when we both single, I never gave him a chance becase although i LOVED talking to him,etc..and I also got jealous when I heard he was with someone, I never really really liked him, never had much feelings... No butterflies etc. Is this normal? Why do i feel jealousy towards him, when I dont really have strong feelingd for him? Should I give him a try? Has anyone started out a relationship, not really falling for the other person, but grown to love the person after a while? I know he wants the best for me, he has been a great friend, whilst i went through all my breakups, he is different..trust me. I know this becase apart from what he tells me, his ex girlfriends all admit he was a good guy. Trustworthy, loving,...more into the long term etc. Because of all his good qualities, I feel pressured not to let this good guy go..(esp as I cant expect him to wait forever for me) What do you advice me to do? PS- I still have deep feelings for my ex, so I guess its makes the decicision harder, A part of me does not want to rush into a relationship incase my ex comes back(unlikely)..A part of me wants to stay single till i hear my ex has a new girlfriend..I feel my ex he may look at me with lack of respect If i date this long term friend of mine so soon.. I need advice here..Please please please. Thanks so much.xx 2 question- Why do i feel jealous when i hear of this long term friend with other girls..(eps as I dont THINK I have a lot of feeling for him)..Can anyone explain the psychology...Does this mean I sub consciously have feelings for him? 2nd- As a guy, would you look at your ex in a despicable way (YOU left the exgirl friend) if she started dating another guy about 3 months after you split.. Thanks a lot.
Surfer Girl Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Yes, some do grow into love... Being that you are not over your ex could make you more prone to a rebound relationship... Being he is your friend.... I would not pursue this relationship until you are over the ex....
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This is dog in the manger syndrome. I don't want you but no one else can have you. In losing this friend, you lose the validation that his interest provided to you. Do both of you a favour and let him find someone who can give him a heart that's not divided. You also might want to consider why he's suddenly interested in someone else, now that you're available. Is it possible that he invested in you, because he knew you were unavailable? If so, he's not a good risk.
bustertypsy Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 NINJATURTLES........ Despair,unstable thinking!!! I know what you mean.When you lose somebody very important,whether you ended it or they did,you feel incredibly vulnerable.All confidence and self esteem go a begging.Despair sets in,it's like losing your job and facing a situation where you have to pay your bills.You will work in McDonalds(no offence meant) or stack shelves in your local supermarket,sell newspapers at traffic junctions,why??,because you are desperate at that very moment in your life.When you get another job,that has meaning,you will wonder how you did what you did,but that is because you are now back to a level of normality. So I feel you are at the stage where you need assurance from ANYBODY.The fact you are getting it from a friend,you are looking at it in a bigger way than you would normally because you are at a desperate time in your life,when you will grab onto the first person who shows you support.The very person you depended on has let you down,so you will grab the nearest available(like a rebound) Only when you begin to heal will you look back and see things in a more sobering fashion.Best of luck to you,hope you start to heal soon!
Ty Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 2nd- As a guy, would you look at your ex in a despicable way (YOU left the exgirl friend) if she started dating another guy about 3 months after you split.. No. If I broke up with you, and you started dating someone else I wouldn't look at you in a despicable way. But... it would definitely spark my curiosity as to why you were able to move on so fast. That being said, don't use this good guy and break his heart, just as a way to get back at your ex or as a way to make yourself feel better. Like someone else said, if you are still hurt, this guy would likely be a rebound.
Author ninjaturtles Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Thank you all!! I just checked google for what 'dog in a manger syndrome' means...lol....Trial, very accurate. I have read all your responses and I think I can relate to everyone one of them. I spoke with this friend of mine last night and he was saying all these sweet things, but I was cringing whilst he was saying them. Thats not a good sign.lol. I have decided to step back, and heal completely. There really is no rush. I would not want to get into a relationship and break his heart, all because of my lack of adequate feelings for him. He is just so nice and caring and genuine...I actually wish I could make myself like him. sigh. Anyway, thanks once again...and if anyone else has anything else to say, please do so. Hope you all are getting better and healing steadily. I look foward to the day when this is all over! Take care.xxx
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 NT, I think you're suffering because you're not over your ex and you desperately want to do somehting about it: get a new BF. There are plenty of men out there and you don't have to lose a friend in order to get over your ex. It will not make you happy to sleep with someone you don't really have passion for. Why do i feel jealousy towards him, when I dont really have strong feelingd for him? Because you like his attention and don't want to share it with another woman. Because of all his good qualities, I feel pressured not to let this good guy go..(esp as I cant expect him to wait forever for me)I was friends with my ex-husband for 6.5 years and he was Mr. Wonderful. Until we got married. PS- I still have deep feelings for my ex, so I guess its makes the decicision harder, A part of me does not want to rush into a relationship incase my ex comes back(unlikely)..You will make this more likely if you tell himn that you're dating someone. Men have a habit of wanting their exes when they move on. But you don't have to really find someone. Just tell him you did. A part of me wants to stay single till i hear my ex has a new girlfriendWhy? So you can feel all miserable and lonely imagining him with the new GF? How old are you? I feel my ex he may look at me with lack of respect If i date this long term friend of mine so soon.. On the contrary!
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