bleah

[suffragette13]

[COLOR=black]First, I want to thank anyone who takes their time to give me advice. I am desperate for advice because I just genuinely do not know which impulse to trust. [/COLOR]

[COLOR=black]Both of my sisters are my best friends. They both rightfully despise my husband soon to be ex possibly to be reconciled with husband. (They don’t really know that part)[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Well, they hate him because he's behaved abominably. The man TWICE broke my heart, destroyed my peace of mind and the stability of my children based on an affair with a coworker who immediately dumped him as soon as I moved out. He sucked way before that. He’s been moody and depressed and sarcastic. (Yeah, I know, what did I ever see in him?) He was NOT like that when I met him, though he was prone to saying things like, “make me happy…” ergh. Still then he was kind and so very sweet and thoughtful. The guys I went out before him all prided themselves on being critical thinkers, sarcastic, moody, poetic *******s basically. He was different I thought. He thought American money was so weird because it was all the same size. He said, “How do blind people tell what money they are using?” He helped the infirm, made epilepsy drugs for a living. I thought he was a saint. I thought he would lighten me up, make me have a less jaded outlook on life. I had no clue that he would be the worst most painful experience of my life. And that all of that would fade away and that he wouldn’t care about me or anyone as much as he cares for himself.[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]We left and now he’s been visiting us. We have those conversations that don’t mean anything like, “Remember when we went to the Falls?” “You’re my wife and I love you and I miss you…” It went along like that for a while and that was kind of confusing and gut wrenching but not unpleasant. My therapist advised me not try to talk to him about anything heavy. But it would well up in me. And something he did would remind me of “who he really is” and I would react and things just steadily have gotten worse and now, each time he comes up on a weekend, he’s an *******. If I look at him funny he threatens to leave. I ask him to leave if he’s being short fused or just lying around with his hand on his head. I feel such disgust for him when he is like that. Such a ****ing Camille![/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Lately he's really pissed. I get most of his money. I have our kids. I have the good car. I mean, I feel like a **** kind of, because he is destitute and sad and angry. He tells me he has nothing to live for and that he has completely lost all of his loving feeling. At one time, not so long ago this would have upset me greatly but it’s like his apathy is catching. I don’t care. If it's even possible he is more unattractive to me now than he has ever been. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]But then sometimes, in the middle of all of that we’ll take the kids hiking or go to the park or watch a movie together or listen to music or kiss and it’s like all that bad **** just falls by the wayside. The next morning though, one of us feels differently. I’m still in the mood for kindness and he is cranky and then we both pick up our armor and weapons again. Or one of us bails. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I'm just faced with this terrible dilemma. That man and I have a history. We have children who love him. His greatest fear is that one day the kids will find out what he has done and hate him. The thing is, his **** behavior hasn't stopped. You know? He's still being critical, selfish, rude, ungrateful and now resentful and suicidal to boot? I mean, I know the man cannot stand himself and I told him, "YOU MUST GET ON SOME MEDICATION FOR OUR CHILDREN"S SAKE." [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]If I could even begin to put into words the dismay and regret I have for this situation and being forever linked to this guy. He will never change and if he does, I have to not expect it. I care about him. I don't want him to go without or suffer. I am also unwilling to put up with his criticism and sarcasm and bad attitude. It makes me want to strip away the only thing I know he does have and does look forward to-- spending time at my house with the kids. He has no will to fight for anything. He’s worse, more limp and deadweight than road kill. This man is incapable of scaling the mountain of bull**** he created and I am incapable of assisting him or listening to him bitch about the job he's got ahead. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]My family, who are my dearest friends, who are ALWAYS there for me, HATE him. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]He's not stepping up. He's not turning his life around even though he has lost everything. [/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]Does having compassion for him and still loving him and aching for him even when he treats me like **** make me a sap?[/COLOR]

 

[COLOR=black]I'm sorry, this probably makes NO sense. If anyone wants to take a stab at helping me out here, I’d be very grateful.[/COLOR]

[randuff]

It sounds as though most of the time you don't like him or get along. The kids can't be a factor on your decision because you will probably end up regreting it later on. When I divorced the EW a loooong time ago I thought I was making the wrong decision. She was good with the kids and my son loved her so. But the fact of the matter was that it wasn't going to work out. It never would have. It has beed 6 or 7 years since we divorced and I realise how good my decision was when I decided to leave her. I actually get along with her netter now than then. Maybe you need the time and space from him so that HE can clear his mind and figure out what he wants. This will give you time to think clearly as well. there must be a reason your family does not like him and I know that you love him and he is the father of your children but maybe take a step back and see what it is that they are noticing.

 

I dunno, I am by no means an expert or have any knowledge of all this since I am having trouble getting over my current ex fiance that treated me poorly that I seem to still be clinging on so maybe it isn't a great idea to listen to me

 

Anyways good luck and hopefully things will work out for you.

[suffragette13]

I'm sure you're right. We're just still very attached. He used to not suck, you know what I mean? I mean, together for 10 years married for 9, sometimes the way things used to be shine through. He was my best, most supportive dearest friend. After our second child came along I just got really busy and we didn't do anyting to hold our marriage together. He was the only person I've ever let see the complete me and he ****ing **** all over me. Saying I'm griefstricken is an understatement.

 

I think you're right though. My sisters are adamant that I stay away from him. I'm doing my best just not to talk to him tonight. I also told him last night that I'm going to split when he comes up this weekend and just let him have some one on one time with the kids. Anyway, thanks for your advice. I hope you can get that monster in your guts to hush (that's how I felt right after we decided to split.) I wish I had more helpful advice for you. I think you just have to live through it.

[randuff]

When you spend any length of time or when you just have that feeling for someone its hard to let go. Regardless of what other people think about that person and sometimes regardless of whether you know if they are "right" for you or not. Sometimes it just doesn't matter. We are so good at holding on to things we know that aren't beneficial for us but for what reasons? I don't think we ever really know. We just give ourselves time to heal and get better.

 

I don't think we ever forget these people but learn that we can live without them and live happily. I just wish that these times would hurry and get here for me :/ (and you)