bigheartkindsoul Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I need to get closure, I need to move on. I have gone to hell and back with him and after him. The only thing I can think that I have not tried to finally get over him is too send a letter. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1376029#post1376029 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135195/ The above give a brief insight into our troubled relationship. Do I send him a letter admitting my faults within our relationship and pointing out some of the things that he dismissed as not real or untrue as far as my feelings went. part of me knows its a bad idea, part of me doesn't care, the most of me just wants this done with and chapter closed once and for all.
jennyfur01 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 If you really feel like that'll make you feel better, go for it. If nothing else just write it and don't send it. Shred it when you're done.
Leia Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Do I send him a letter admitting my faults within our relationship and pointing out some of the things that he dismissed as not real or untrue as far as my feelings went. What will you achieve by admitting it was your faults? What good will it do? You can write the letter but keep it to yourself. Like the previous poster said, shred it later on... unless you really have something to achieve... that will make you feel better and put everything behind.. for good.
Summer_guy_uk Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Write it, hold it for a bit, then burn it. DO NOT SEND IT. Unless you want said receiver to show it to all his mates.
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Ok point taken, but will it have the same conviction if I know its only going to be read by me, does writing everything out help?
jerbear Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Writing everything out helps but don't send it. The sending just gives the wrong messages. I've done it when I was younger and now if it is "the end" then no point extending the drama.
Surfer Girl Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Most likely not a good idea... Personally I did the closure letter.... Knowing I would have no expectations of recieving a reply back.... It was a heartfealt letter that said goodbye... I felt good about it... because I got closure... It was good for me...but I had to know if he did not respond... I still got closure... If you are looking for a response... Don't send it...
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I think that you do want validation from your ex, mostly an apology, a simple "how I treated you as our relationship ended was wrong." I was practically pleading with my ex to say that to me, begging her, and I still want to say to her "emailing me asking to be friends with benefits, and then saying you were just joking when I expressed anger over it, was the most insensitive thing anyone has ever done. Friends with benefits means I am willing to **** you until someone better comes along. To go from being the guy you were going to marry, to your **** buddy, hurt. I felt USED. I felt OBJECTFIED. Yada yada yada. You basically were telling me that you considered me, my feelings, and our relationship a joke" You know what...all I want her to say is "I am sorry. That was insensitive of me. I understand why you expressed anger and I understand why it hurt you to learn my ex proposed to me. I should have told you that information myself. I am sorry." Bottom line is this: if she wanted to apologize, she would have. If she truly respected my feelings, she wouldn't have put me in that situation. I've written the letters. I pleaded her to forgive me for me expressing anger. Why? Every time I wanted a response. I wanted validation. I did not get the closure I needed. That comes from within. I still want her to say she is sorry, but if she truly were, she would have done it on her own, not through my coercing her with letters. Your ex can't give you what you want. If he were truly capable of giving you the validation you feel you need to move on, he would have done so on his terms. If an ex of mine expressed anger at me, I would apologize. I would give that validation. But some people...some people just don't care. If you write the letter, do it for you, and burn it. Don't hold onto it. Don't do it on your computer where you constantly rewrite it, trying to perfectly craft it over and over again. Pen and paper. Then put a match to it.
iwanttolive Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hi BHKS, i have never written a letter to any of my ex-es because I din want them to know that i was still thinking of them. If they were heartless enuff to cast me aside (like i'm not a human and like I can't feel any pain), i dont think my pain and suffering mean anything to them at all. Instead, I would nc and keep myself busy all d time. I want them to know that without them i can still lead a good life if not better, although deep inside i'm bleeding, but no i dont want to show them and let them think they are oh-so-good. I just broke up 3 wks ago and for a while all sorts of negative thoughts enter my mind. Like im such a failure I could not hold on my r/s for more than a few mths (while he was with his ex for more than 2 years), and how am i going to find someone as great as him, and how i'll be a cold turkey at night cos no one hugs me anymore. And then a sudden thought hit me one fine day - heyyy, what will my life be like if i marry this person?? i think it'll be hell-on-earth. The way he sneered at me because i could not give intelligent comment everytime he discussed current affair and everytime i watched shallow shows like america's next top model. He totally disrespected me. When he called the r/s off, he said I could not connect with him emotionally and intellectually (he's 10 yrs older than me, fyi). I told myself, onlysomeone who loves me unconditionally deserves my love back. Not this guy who treated me like s**t. And im not gonna give him the satisfaction of knowing im still thinking of him. I was so upset and indignified when i read ur entry. If im a guy, i'd kill to have a gf like you, so how dare he!
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I think that you do want validation from your ex, mostly an apology, a simple "how I treated you as our relationship ended was wrong." Your ex can't give you what you want. If he were truly capable of giving you the validation you feel you need to move on, he would have done so on his terms. If an ex of mine expressed anger at me, I would apologize. I would give that validation. But some people...some people just don't care. If you write the letter, do it for you, and burn it. Don't hold onto it. Don't do it on your computer where you constantly rewrite it, trying to perfectly craft it over and over again. Pen and paper. Then put a match to it. Too Point 1 - you are absolutely right - OMG Point 2 & 3- yes point taken, I think I need to do the letter thing then burn it rather than send it. You are right he cannot give me what I need, and I need to NOT NEED it. I'm gonna give the letter a go tonight so wish me luck. Time has come to get all this licked and over and done with once and for all.
Lyssa Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 BHKS!! How are you, doll? So you're sending the letter? Okay, you will need all the luck! Wish you lots of good luck, sweetie! [[[[bHKS]]]]
Author bigheartkindsoul Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 BHKS!! How are you, doll? So you're sending the letter? Okay, you will need all the luck! Wish you lots of good luck, sweetie! [[[[bHKS]]]] Hey hun, how was Milan? Not sending, writing then burning - infact for fun might have a "friends" burning ritual just like Monica, Rachel and Phoebe had!!
Lyssa Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hey hun, how was Milan? Not sending, writing then burning - infact for fun might have a "friends" burning ritual just like Monica, Rachel and Phoebe had!! Milan was beautiful! I loved it! I had one of those few years back. One of those times I will always remember!
bustertypsy Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Do not send that letter.All you will do is let him think that he still has control over you.If someone has done you wrong and they need to be told it,are they really worth the hassle? By all means write this letter,add to it,then put it away,for say 2 months.Look at it again and see how you feel.I guarantee you,you will be glad you didn't send it. The only situation were I find letter writing useful is if, as the dumper you regret your actions or something you did wrong on the person and want to apologise.As the injured party you should be working on NC,and letting the healing begin
jessica2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 The only thing that is important is that you get closure.You need to do what will help you.If you want to send him a letter do it, no questions asked.But you need to really think about what you expect from sending him this letter.If you do it it needs to be for you,not for answers.
brothermartin Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Bottom line is this: if she wanted to apologize, she would have. If she truly respected my feelings, she wouldn't have put me in that situation. I've written the letters. I pleaded her to forgive me for me expressing anger. Why? Every time I wanted a response. I wanted validation. I did not get the closure I needed. That comes from within. I still want her to say she is sorry, but if she truly were, she would have done it on her own, not through my coercing her with letters. Thanks OPPATH. This was the thought that I had on the tip of my mind, but couldn't quite get it across. I've been asking myself this same question, now I know the answer. Thanks again. There's your answer BIGHEART. Don't send him any letters. It's time WE took control of our lives back!
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