Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 She maybe the overly-sensitive type that requires an environment of complete safety, previous to opening up fully. I'm not very good with personality types like that. Clearly neither am I because that is exactly how she is. Beyond sensitive.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Clearly neither am I because that is exactly how she is. Beyond sensitive. This is an issue. I personally can't live with someone when it feels like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. On the other hand, I have to know what's going on with them, so we can work on any outstanding issues. Lose/lose proposition. Maybe someone else has some advice on how to handle this type of individual. I know I don't have a clue and in reality, don't particularly want to have to work so hard, to find out what day of the week it is...y'know?
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 This is an issue. I personally can't live with someone when it feels like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. On the other hand, I have to know what's going on with them, so we can work on any outstanding issues. Lose/lose proposition. Maybe someone else has some advice on how to handle this type of individual. I know I don't have a clue and in reality, don't particularly want to have to work so hard, to find out what day of the week it is...y'know? you've completely hit the nail on the head.. I feel like I have to pull every little thing out of her when we are discussing/arguing/etc. Littlest negative thing I say about our relationship will knock her screws loose, and the tears start aflowin'. I just wish the relationship wasn't so forced on my end...it should be give take...yet she gives nothing back in this department.
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 you've completely hit the nail on the head.. I feel like I have to pull every little thing out of her when we are discussing/arguing/etc. Littlest negative thing I say about our relationship will knock her screws loose, and the tears start aflowin'. I just wish the relationship wasn't so forced on my end...it should be give take...yet she gives nothing back in this department. I can only offer you this haiku: Buried inside you, You cry in pain but withhold, Speak to me, tell me.
jcster Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Bigworm, I started reading all of the back and forth...the questions, the reasons...etc. There's only one question you need to answer right now, and that is: Do you still want to be with this girl? It's a yes or no answer - no "buts," no "somedays," no "if onlys." If the answer is no, then you need to man up and break up with her. If it's yes, then stop worrying about the marriage thing and her inexperience - they don't really matter in the equation, and you are creating catastrophes that may never come to pass. Everyone in long term relationships fall in and out of love, sometimes on a daily basis. There were times in my marriage when I couldn't stand the sight of my husband - it happens. That doesn't mean the relationship isn't going to work out, but that also doesn't mean that you have to stick it out and hope things get better. Be honest with yourself. You wouldn't have written this post if you hadn't already made a decision.
shadowplay Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This is an issue. I personally can't live with someone when it feels like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. On the other hand, I have to know what's going on with them, so we can work on any outstanding issues. Lose/lose proposition. Maybe someone else has some advice on how to handle this type of individual. I know I don't have a clue and in reality, don't particularly want to have to work so hard, to find out what day of the week it is...y'know? Well, I'm a bit like this, but probably not to the same extreme as his girlfriend. I rarely cry for example. It's true that it takes me a long time to let my guard down and I need to feel secure in the relationship to do so. Sort of a conundrum, because the relationship is less likely to be secure when one party is withholding/not being themselves. What usually works best for me is a lot of reassurance, attention and affection. I need to feel like I'm accepted unconditionally (within certain limits obv). When I receive that I start to feel comfortable and can be myself. Usually once the ice is broken it stays broken for me.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Well, I'm a bit like this, but probably not to the same extreme as his girlfriend. I rarely cry for example. It's true that it takes me a long time to let my guard down and I need to feel secure in the relationship to do so. Sort of a conundrum, because the relationship is less likely to be secure when one party is withholding/not being themselves. What usually works best for me is a lot of reassurance, attention and affection. I need to feel like I'm accepted unconditionally (within certain limits obv). When I receive that I start to feel comfortable and can be myself. Usually once the ice is broken it stays broken for me. Maybe you can give bigworm23 some ideas, as to how to get through to his g/f. The two have been together for quite awhile and haven't gotten to the point of real intimacy.
shadowplay Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Maybe you can give bigworm23 some ideas, as to how to get through to his g/f. The two have been together for quite awhile and haven't gotten to the point of real intimacy. Sure, I can try. I'm trying to think of situations that have brought me closer to other people. One idea is to go on a short vacation with her -- maybe a weekend away. Go skiing and stay in a cozy log cabin or go camping for a few days and chat under the stars. I find that I tend to open up more easily when there's a natural buffer in the environment -- like a moving car or an activity we're both engaging in -- because it makes awkward silences less scary. Usually when I'm around somebody for an uninterrupted stretch of time with no escape it's inevitable that I start to feel more comfortable in their presence. But I think it's important to draw her out of the environment she's used to sharing with you because it will help break her out of the habit of acting a certain way in your presence. Sometimes I can fall into a rut with somebody where I get in the routine of playing a certain role around them (that's not me) and time only solidifies that behavior. People who are naturally reserved often have to consciously work at opening up...time alone won't naturally make them feel comfortable. I would suggest during one of these getaways you ask her a lot of questions about herself. Go beyond the superficial. Ask her what her dreams are for the future, if she could choose any profession in the world and money wasn't any issue what she would be... I'm bad at coming up with these questions, but I'm sure you can be more creative. Even play a game of Truth with her where you both take turns asking each other questions about whatever you want. I hope that helps.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Good stuff shadowplay. How about day-to-day communications?
shadowplay Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Good stuff shadowplay. How about day-to-day communications? I find I don't really break the ice with somebody until I start to regularly kid around with them and we develop some "inside jokes." Do you and your gf have inside jokes? Try bantering with her more often and some playful teasing. Pick on something you think she does that is particularly cute or funny and tease her a little about it (but make sure you do it in a loving, sweet way). Also poke fun at yourself and she will start to tease you in kind. Eventually certain phrases will catch on and develop into inside jokes. Or do silly voices with each other. Here's an example of one the inside jokes my boyfriend and I have. I told him once that when I was a baby I was obsessed with chicken and used to demand that my mother give me "Moaaah Chicken." You'd have to hear the voice I say it in to understand why it's funny (or maybe you wouldn't ). For some reason my bf finds it really funny and we sometimes say it to each other...or he'll replace chicken with other things like "Mooah Sex" in a mock baby voice. Of course all of these inside jokes make absolutely no sense to other people, but that's what makes them inside jokes. With my ex boyfriend we had this inside joke about one of my cats who is especially sassy and smug. We created this disgruntled, middle-aged smoker persona/voice for her. Everybody on the outside who heard us doing the voice thought we were crazy, but it was our way of bonding with each other. In fact, now that I think of it, about 80% of my interaction with bfs I've been close to has been banter. Work on kidding around with her and getting her to laugh. (Tickling is also great I find!) I bet she has a fun, goofy side that you never knew existed.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 As for not sleeping around, I'm similar to her in that I've only slept with two people. I don't care to sleep with anyone I'm not in love with. Since I'm 32, I doubt this core value will change. This is one aspect of myself that I've never needed validation for. Having said that, one thing I do know. There are two types of people. Those who will cheat and those who won't. I've never cheated and never will. I've been the collateral damage from cheating and given damage to the offender. With this in mind, it's one of life's no brainer guarantees with me. If relationship issues can't be fixed, you'll find me walking, as I've always done in the past. I can also be quite a flirt but if I'm in a committed relationship, never with intent. If an SO finds it offensive and clearly states his boundaries for this, I would keep to his boundaries. It only makes sense in a relationship. I'm giving you a glimpse of me, in case your g/f is a similar personality type. If her flirting bothers you, don't be afraid to tell her and set your boundaries. People don't need to flirt, to continue living or having a reason for living. In hiding your concern, you only create insecurities for yourself. TBF...you really sound like you got it together...I wish there were more women out there that expressed (communicated) their feelings as well as you or at least I hope to meet a few. You seem like the type of person who tries to fix something rather than run 100 miles an hour in the opposite direction. I admire that. I enjoy your posts and thanks for all the insight!
Author bigworm23 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I really appreciate all the response..However, I think I should try to clear something up here.. It's not that my girlfriend and I are standoffish. We have plenty of inside jokes, we wrestle around at times, she acts stupid in front of me, and I do too....thats not the real problem...I feel completely comfortable in front of her..We've gone away together and things have been good However, an example of what I mean - I'll ask her something like what do you want to be doing professionally in 5-10 years....all shell say is, "i dont know". Or Ill ask her something else, and I get simple, one word answers. Digging things out of her is a chore. She seems so ambivalent to life in general. The more I think about it, I jsut wish she had more spunk, more passion for things..she seems to just mosey through life with no real drive. Sure she loves me, and I love her...but I think my biggest gripe is that she brings me down. She is NOT an exciting person to be with...shes great in everyway but I think she may be too boring...I just dont know if I can be with someone like that forever.....
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 bigworm23 - unfortunately things like that happen. It appears to be a comfort level that she slipped into. Unfortunately I did the same thing and I now realize why certain things happened the way they did. I had to do the same thing as you with my ex g/f (pry answers out of her). I didn't let it severely hurt the relationship but it is a lot of hard work and does take it's toll. Listen...you cannot change her but you can change yourself to see if you generate a response from her. From what you describe, she sounds like a great person but just needs a fire lit. If you know what the issue is, you have the ability to make a change...only if you want to. You know that she will not do it on her own so why not try a different approach to get a different reaction. Good luck.
Author bigworm23 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 I agree with you 100% 'cuse.... Im just not exactly sure how to go about getting a response out of her or spark in her? Any suggestions?
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 All I can say (not saying you do this) is communicate!!!! You need to sit down with her and tell her how you feel. At least the cards are on the table and their are options for her. Right now she thinks that everything is absolutely perfect (like me) and if you decide that things are not suitable for you she'll be blindsided. I would make a "contract". Start small, within reason, you put down 5 things you want to do and have her put down 5 things. Whatever they may be...hiking, movies, ballet, who cares. It's the act of doing something with someone and if you see that they are having a great time, most likely that will cause you to have a good time. It also shows willingness, flexibility and compromise. I wish I thought this f###ing clearly when I was with the ex g/f. Also, change things up, if she calls and you pick up on the 1st ring, don't. Break the routine. When things become routine, it becomes dangerous to the relationship. One party things that things are "status quo" and the other party starts drifting away trying to find some excitement. Just my opinion, if you truly love her and she treats you well, do what you can to make improvements in the relationship. Sometimes relationships are not 50/50, they may be 99/1. All I say is lay the cards out so there is no question as to how you feel. This serves two purposes. One is to give them a legitimate opportunity to respond and two, if things do not go as well as anticipated, you will not feel guilty for not doing your part in the relationship. Any other advice will cost $1.99 for the 1st minute the rest is free. My advice is really not worth more than that!
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Hey Syracuse03, while I agree with most of what you're saying, this doesn't always work with a low-esteem individual. In being proactive, sometimes you cause them to turtle further. It can be frustrating.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 TBF - very true. Relationships are very frustrating. Sometimes I'm too much of an optimist and I really like to look at the "Beaver Cleaver" side of things. It's just how I'm wired. I just hate to not to see every logical option attempted. I think that each situation is different and this would be worth a shot. He looks like he's got one foot out the door so if she retreats, it allows him to put the other foot out too without regret. Let me guess, you don't agree with the $1.99... is it too high? Hey...I may run a special every now and again. With all the advice and insight you give, you should charge! I'd pay...at least for a few minutes.
Trialbyfire Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I also wish life were that easy. The good part is that the members of LS give advice based on being at a distance to the situation. In this situation, with a low-esteem individual who turtles, I'm lost so I should just shut up now, so I will... Hey, if I wanted to charge, I would become a therapist. But thanks for the props.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I don't think your lost...I think you put a very impartial, straightforward view on things. I've only been here a short time but there are some posts/posters opinion I value and other I discard. You are really helping a lot of people including myself and its very much appreciated. I'm sure others will agree. You usually have thoughts on all sorts of topics I think people look forward to your insight. I'm sure bigworm23 agrees!
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