Author kchiapet95 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 His daughter is the temporary reason for his not leaving...but not the permanent reason. If that was the case, he'd say, "In 2009, when my daughter graduates from high school, I will leave my wife and in the meantime I'm going to prepare for that by..." But he hasn't said that. So that isn't the only reason. There's something holding him back. I have my theory on what that is, but I'll keep that to myself. There are certain aspects of what he says that I understand, because it's too expensive for him to maintain two households. But that wouldn't stop him from consulting a lawyer, making certain preparations. Instead, he's doing what he's doing.
silktricks Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Do what is best for you. Keep strong. No matter what you choose or when you choose it, it will be difficult. But taking your life back into your hands is the important thing. May I make a small suggestion? When you go NC with him, whenever that may be, do not go into with the idea that you are manipulating him. If possible do not go into with any thought other than you are doing what you are doing for YOU. Not for him, but you. You are taking charge of your life and doing the best for yourself. You are not hoping for any outcome other than a renewed sense of self and sense of strength. Do not tell him you will "wait" for him, or give any kind of implication that this is anything other than you moving on so you can heal. Love comes in many forms, and just because he loves you and you love him does not mean that you will not find someone who you love more (and who loves you more). You have experienced this form of love. Now you will give yourself a chance to experience a different form. You have my best wishes. If you ever wish to PM me, I will be happy to "talk" to you.
TogetherForever Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Do what is best for you. Keep strong. No matter what you choose or when you choose it, it will be difficult. But taking your life back into your hands is the important thing. May I make a small suggestion? When you go NC with him, whenever that may be, do not go into with the idea that you are manipulating him. If possible do not go into with any thought other than you are doing what you are doing for YOU. Not for him, but you. You are taking charge of your life and doing the best for yourself. You are not hoping for any outcome other than a renewed sense of self and sense of strength. Do not tell him you will "wait" for him, or give any kind of implication that this is anything other than you moving on so you can heal. Love comes in many forms, and just because he loves you and you love him does not mean that you will not find someone who you love more (and who loves you more). You have experienced this form of love. Now you will give yourself a chance to experience a different form. You have my best wishes. If you ever wish to PM me, I will be happy to "talk" to you. SilkTricks this is the best advice ever written on OW/OM. It should be pinned on top of every thread that has to do with NC. TF
CallMeCrazy Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Wow.... I agree great advice from Silktricks KChiapet ~ I just wanted to say that in a way, I am going through a very similar situation as yours... and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your heartache. This is never a situation I would have entered into had I known how difficult it would end up to be. I'll be curious to see what you decide to do. AND, if my MM doesn't make some serious changes by January I'll be right there with you doing the NC thing. NOT as a manipulation tool ~ but because mentally/physically, I will be unable to continue this relationship unless he proves that I'm worth having. I've set my goals in my mind, and although you can compare that to a drug addict or someone thinking about losing weight, there has to be a final, end-all date where things have to change or we as the OW have to decide how long we're willing to continue with the R. Hang in there....
White Flower Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Why wait until after your birthday to go NC? That's two months from now. Is there a major, critical reason why you should put it off until then? Hi Owl, Just using your quote to redirect the question to Chiapet. Chia, is it possible that you want him around for your bday because your J.W. family does not celebrate birtdhays? I totally understand if that's the case or otherwise. And I'd like to share another point or two. Today, my MM is very sick. I want nothing more than to be with him, make homemade soup for him, tuck him in and keep him warm. The dilemma is that I will never be able to do that. I probably won't be called if he gets into an accident and I might be called if he dies, but cannot go to his funeral. These are the reasons we cannot hang on. So, I understand your need to leave, but I also understand your need to share that one last bday or holiday with him. Good luck, hon.
Lyssa Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Do what is best for you. Keep strong. No matter what you choose or when you choose it, it will be difficult. But taking your life back into your hands is the important thing. May I make a small suggestion? When you go NC with him, whenever that may be, do not go into with the idea that you are manipulating him. If possible do not go into with any thought other than you are doing what you are doing for YOU. Not for him, but you. You are taking charge of your life and doing the best for yourself. You are not hoping for any outcome other than a renewed sense of self and sense of strength. Do not tell him you will "wait" for him, or give any kind of implication that this is anything other than you moving on so you can heal. Love comes in many forms, and just because he loves you and you love him does not mean that you will not find someone who you love more (and who loves you more). You have experienced this form of love. Now you will give yourself a chance to experience a different form. You have my best wishes. If you ever wish to PM me, I will be happy to "talk" to you. This is good advice! Do what is best for YOU and not anyone else. So true.
Author kchiapet95 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Hi Owl, Just using your quote to redirect the question to Chiapet. Chia, is it possible that you want him around for your bday because your J.W. family does not celebrate birtdhays? I totally understand if that's the case or otherwise. And I'd like to share another point or two. Today, my MM is very sick. I want nothing more than to be with him, make homemade soup for him, tuck him in and keep him warm. The dilemma is that I will never be able to do that. I probably won't be called if he gets into an accident and I might be called if he dies, but cannot go to his funeral. These are the reasons we cannot hang on. So, I understand your need to leave, but I also understand your need to share that one last bday or holiday with him. Good luck, hon. White Flower, The JW thing is part of it. I have friends I can celebrate with, but it's a special birthday for me. It'll be my first real birthday party, celebration, whatever you want to call it, and MM is an important part of my life, and I do want him there, even if it's the last time. It's a BIG deal for me, and it's very important to me, more important than the holidays, because I just can't get into the holidays. That's another thing...everyone seems to think I'll be sad around the holidays about MM< but holidays to me are like any other time of year. I was raised to feel that Christmas is pagan, that God doesn't approve of it, and it kinda saps your holiday joy. So even though I no longer practice, holidays are really not that meaningful to me. At any rate, I also agree with your post about sickness/death...earlier in the year, MM got a kidney stone that sent him to the hospital. I didn't know what the problem was at the time, I just knew he was in the hospital. I didn't know what hospital, I couldn't get in touch w/him, and it pained me that I would not be the one to get the call when he's sick or something.
frannie Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Do what is best for you. Keep strong. No matter what you choose or when you choose it, it will be difficult. But taking your life back into your hands is the important thing. May I make a small suggestion? When you go NC with him, whenever that may be, do not go into with the idea that you are manipulating him. If possible do not go into with any thought other than you are doing what you are doing for YOU. Not for him, but you. You are taking charge of your life and doing the best for yourself. You are not hoping for any outcome other than a renewed sense of self and sense of strength. Do not tell him you will "wait" for him, or give any kind of implication that this is anything other than you moving on so you can heal. ... like a drug addict, I have to be ready to quit the drug. Otherwise, I'm just going to go back, stop, go back, stop...I'm going to give myself time to evaluate things, and be REALLY READY to do it when the time comes. kchiapet I can understand where you're coming from on needing to be really, really ready to let go before going NC. There's no point in doing it if you're going to be wondering whether you made the right decision, and whether he's going to change his mind, whether he'll come after you... all that is hope that you just don't need. We read often enough on this board from OW (and MM) who, years after not speaking to their AP are still mourning, still wondering... Who wants to be in that position! I also wanted to say that I agree with others who have said that ST gave excellent advice on this. When the time comes for your NC, if that is what happens... then it really has to be for you, a time for your healing and moving on. Any other use of NC is doomed to failure imho.
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