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Posted

I'm taking a chance posting on here. I know some of you know my situation, I won't go into it. For those that don't, you can read my old posts. Too painful to rehash.

 

I ended up seeing MM this weekend. We cried about the baby. We talked for a long time about the situation. Finally, I told him that I felt sad that I couldn't depend on him during this difficult time, told him that I wanted to be with him eventually and that I would hang in there BUT there was no point in me doing so unless that is what he wanted also. I told him that he had to want to leave his wife because he was unhappy, not because of me, and if that's what he wanted then he needed to do what he needed to do. But if he wanted to stay, for whatever reasons, then there was no point to this.

 

I guess I was hoping for some definite answers, and maybe I shouldn't be right now because I'm emotional, I should just take care of myself and let it be. But this limbo is not helping the situation, I think, and maybe it's best for me to handle both losses at the same time than one after the other. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and maybe she'll help me make sense of it all.

 

Anyway, he was telling me that he works so hard, he does not want to lose the house. He wants his daughter to graduate from her high school and go to college with no distractions (she will graduate in June '09). So I said, "OK, so your daughter goes to college. Then what? Do you see yourself with your wife, with no children in the house?" He said absolutely not. Then he said, "I don't know why you put up with me. You're smart and beautiful and you can have anyone you want." I don't know if that is his way of telling me we'll never be together, or if he is expressing his doubt that I'll be around when it all shakes out.

 

I've been thinking that after my birthday, in January, I'm going to go NC with him. Not because I want to force him to decide, but because he needs to decide where he wants to be, what matters to him, and I need to clear my head. But I'm afraid. We've been in each other's lives for 2 years, and I know that doesn't seem like a long time but I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. It's scary.

 

So, any advice, comments, whatever, and I will take what will help me.

Posted

Good to see you back posting, I was wondering how you were and how you were feeling.

Posted

i'm so sorry for what you are going through - (I read VERY quickly some of your recent posts). I'm not so great at giving advice at the moment as I'm still rattling around in the "fog" BUT - I do think that you should give yourself time and take one thing at a time. The limbo situation may indded be no helping you but trying to go NC when you are so vulnerable will make it very difficult to follow through.

 

At the moment it sounds as though you are working out what it is that you want - IE you dont want to be the other woman anymore- and I would say that working your feelings through is a good start wven of you dont do anything about it just yet.

 

Hopefully your therapist can help you make sense of things and see things clearly. I'm sure everyone on here will be able to help you with some good advice. Hang in there. xx

Posted
Anyway, he was telling me that he works so hard, he does not want to lose the house. He wants his daughter to graduate from her high school and go to college with no distractions (she will graduate in June '09). So I said, "OK, so your daughter goes to college. Then what? Do you see yourself with your wife, with no children in the house?" He said absolutely not. Then he said, "I don't know why you put up with me. You're smart and beautiful and you can have anyone you want." I don't know if that is his way of telling me we'll never be together, or if he is expressing his doubt that I'll be around when it all shakes out.

 

Sadly, yes, it's his way of telling you the way things will be for quite a while. It seems he doesn't have the balls to actually TELL you what you need to hear, and that is, it's over and I cannot make any sort of committment, let alone promise to you.

 

He is being selfish, once again, still (more or less) wanting you in his life as the OW as he has no intention in the near future of ending his marriage. It IS unfair of him to ask you to wait and stick it out seeing as he can't guarantee you a future.

 

So I said, "OK, so your daughter goes to college. Then what? Do you see yourself with your wife, with no children in the house?" He said absolutely not.

Again, he shouldn't be making those assumptions as he doesn't know what the future holds, things can change, parents get sick, spouses get sick, kids get sick...So, in the long run it is unfair again for him to say absolutely not. He has an obligation, and that also includes his extended family, as well as his own immediate family.

 

I know you don't want to make the actual decision here, let alone say it outloud to him, but for your own sanity, it might be better for you to end it and go NC. Not for him, but for you. You got alot on your plate right now, and healing has to happen...Having him in your life, not knowing where things are going to go is only going to bring on more stress that you don't need.

 

I am glad to hear you're talking to your therapist, she will help you cope better, not only for the emotional part cutting him out of your life, but help you grieve in a healthier way for the loss of your baby.

 

Hang in there and take it one day at a time.

Posted

deleted as my reply came up twice.

Posted

Why wait until after your birthday to go NC?

 

That's two months from now.

 

Is there a major, critical reason why you should put it off until then?

  • Author
Posted
Why wait until after your birthday to go NC?

 

That's two months from now.

 

Is there a major, critical reason why you should put it off until then?

 

Yes. Because I need that time. I'm not ready to do it right now. I would like to spend the weekend after my birthday with him, and then I want to be prepared to end it. I have to be ready, and I'm simply not ready.

 

**edited to add**I have to prepare myself that NC is the end because I may never talk to him again. It's hard to deal with and I am not ready right now.

Posted

Kchia,

I agree with what WWIU advised you of.

None of us here are able to hold your hand in real life & help you thru whatever you decide to do. We can offer advice & ultimately it is your decision to make.

You must feel you'll be ready in Jan. instead of now.

Whatever you decide, I'm here to lend an ear, a shoulder etc...

TF

Posted
I've been thinking that after my birthday, in January, I'm going to go NC with him. Not because I want to force him to decide, but because he needs to decide where he wants to be, what matters to him, and I need to clear my head. But I'm afraid. We've been in each other's lives for 2 years, and I know that doesn't seem like a long time but I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. It's scary.

 

So, any advice, comments, whatever, and I will take what will help me.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby... it must be a trying time for you.

 

From what I understand, I don't think your MM has the guts to tell you that it's over. He sounds like he loves you but not enough to leave his family. If you must be ready to break it off in Jan, then do it in Jan... at least you know what's the right thing to do. You deserve someone that is yours full time!

  • Author
Posted
Kchia,

I agree with what WWIU advised you of.

None of us here are able to hold your hand in real life & help you thru whatever you decide to do. We can offer advice & ultimately it is your decision to make.

You must feel you'll be ready in Jan. instead of now.

Whatever you decide, I'm here to lend an ear, a shoulder etc...

TF

 

Thank you. :) That means a lot. There aren't too many people I can talk to about any of this. I didn't tell many people I was pregnant, and obviously not many know about the MM and in a lot of ways, this forum is a lifesaver for me.

  • Author
Posted
From what I understand, I don't think your MM has the guts to tell you that it's over. He sounds like he loves you but not enough to leave his family.

 

You're probably spot on here, as much as I hate to face it. I don't doubt he loves me. I don't think I'm an ego boost. When I talk to him about having a lot of responsibilities, he says, "But you're my responsibility, too." I dont think he doesn't love me. But not enough to risk it all. I guess it's one of those cases where love just isn't enough.

 

I didn't think I'd start crying, but...oh well.

Posted
Yes. Because I need that time. I'm not ready to do it right now. I would like to spend the weekend after my birthday with him, and then I want to be prepared to end it. I have to be ready, and I'm simply not ready.

 

**edited to add**I have to prepare myself that NC is the end because I may never talk to him again. It's hard to deal with and I am not ready right now.

 

I can see why you'd feel that way. Seriously.

 

But I don't see that it'll be easier then vs. now. In fact, it'll be HARDER...because you'll have become even more 'attached' over that time. Not further detached.

 

Its just like a drug, friend. The only way to do it is 'cold turkey'. Anything less will just lengthen how long you're stuck in the 'withdrawl', and feeling miserable. And spending the next two months waiting for the other shoe to fall is just going to make this time miserable too.

 

The only way to deal with this kind of situation is to make up your mind, and do it. Point blank.

 

Otherwise, you're very, very likely to be here two months from now, saying "I want to wait until after Valentine's Day, I just want to spend that special day with him before we end it."

 

Not attacking or judging you...just trying to show you how I've seen this go any number of times. Its rough, but its how it is.

Posted

I might be seeing things differently in kchia's situation.

Maybe her mm is scared to tell the wife that he wants out of the marriage as opposed to being scared to tell kchia he wants out of the rel. with her.

That's my pov anyway.

  • Author
Posted
Its just like a drug, friend. The only way to do it is 'cold turkey'. Anything less will just lengthen how long you're stuck in the 'withdrawl', and feeling miserable. And spending the next two months waiting for the other shoe to fall is just going to make this time miserable too.

 

This may be true. Nonetheless, like a drug addict, I have to be ready to quit the drug. Otherwise, I'm just going to go back, stop, go back, stop...I'm going to give myself time to evaluate things, and be REALLY READY to do it when the time comes.

 

Also, this is a good time, these are the holidays. I'm spending them with friends in another part of the country, so I won't be near home or MM, and I'm not going to sit alone pining for him. It won't be miserable. I'm going to be just fine, and when the time comes, I'll be ready (I hope).

Posted
You're probably spot on here, as much as I hate to face it. I don't doubt he loves me. I don't think I'm an ego boost. When I talk to him about having a lot of responsibilities, he says, "But you're my responsibility, too." I dont think he doesn't love me. But not enough to risk it all. I guess it's one of those cases where love just isn't enough.

 

I didn't think I'd start crying, but...oh well.

 

No doubt he loves you but sometimes things are just not meant to be. You have to move on...

 

It's ok to cry. We're all human... women at that.. so we cry and it makes us feel better. Hang in there...

 

**hugs**

Posted

I agree with OWL on this one....

 

Right now you need clarity..and in order to gain clarity, you need distance from him....how can you get EITHER by continuing to see him?

 

I know it sounds daunting..NC is not easy to do with someone you love..but this is for YOU. This man is your addiction and by continuing to see him/talk to him..you are feeding that addiction.In two more months..you're ONLY going to be more "hooked".

 

I am sorry for what you're going through right now.It must be devastating.

 

I am currently in a self imposed NC with a mm.....it makes me sad to

NT talk to him..but I am doing it for ME. I realize ONE more conversation is ONLY keeping me stuck....and in the cycle. He is happy with the status quo..I'm NOT..but only I can end this. It hurts...a LOT....but I want to end this pain now..and not in ANOTHER year..or two or three.

 

Either way..do what is best for YOU....

  • Author
Posted

That's what I'm doing, what's best for me, and it helps me talking it out, working things through. I'm convinced this is the right choice for me.

Posted
That's what I'm doing, what's best for me, and it helps me talking it out, working things through. I'm convinced this is the right choice for me.

 

I'd insert a hand clapping smiley here for you kchia, but we don't have one of those. ;) Will you settle for a :bunny:?!

Posted
Anyway, he was telling me that he works so hard, he does not want to lose the house. He wants his daughter to graduate from her high school and go to college with no distractions (she will graduate in June '09). So I said, "OK, so your daughter goes to college. Then what? Do you see yourself with your wife, with no children in the house?" He said absolutely not. Then he said, "I don't know why you put up with me. You're smart and beautiful and you can have anyone you want." I don't know if that is his way of telling me we'll never be together, or if he is expressing his doubt that I'll be around when it all shakes out.

 

I've been thinking that after my birthday, in January, I'm going to go NC with him. Not because I want to force him to decide, but because he needs to decide where he wants to be, what matters to him, and I need to clear my head. But I'm afraid. We've been in each other's lives for 2 years, and I know that doesn't seem like a long time but I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. It's scary.

 

So, any advice, comments, whatever, and I will take what will help me.

 

If he will ever leave, he will have to decide that his happiness is more important than what people think and material possessions...That's really the bottom-line...

 

And I don't know if he will...I think it is a good idea to go NC...He will have to decide if he can live without you or not...That is really the turning point...If he can live without you, then you deserve better...You need to know that so that you can move on...

 

If he cannot live without you, he will come back to you and he will do what is necessary...

 

(((HUGS)))

Posted

This may be true. Nonetheless, like a drug addict, I have to be ready to quit the drug. Otherwise, I'm just going to go back, stop, go back, stop...I'm going to give myself time to evaluate things, and be REALLY READY to do it when the time comes.

 

And like a drug addict, you'll continually find reasons why you can't end it right now.

 

Drug addicts always PLAN on ending...they just never do.

 

You're NEVER 'ready' to end an addiction.

 

There's no evaluation needed.

 

What you're doing is the same thing that a drug addict does. The only way something will change is if you force a change, or someone forces it on you.

 

Please, try to stop and see this for what it really is. Its NOT about you...its not an attack on you.

 

Its recognizing what you're doing, and doing something about it.

 

I won't bother you again with this. Its obviously your call. But rather than summarily blowing off this advice...sit down and think about it HARD before you respond to it. I don't know you...whether or not you decide to change has no impact on my life.

 

I'm just offering this to you as a view that you've probably not TRULY considered yet.

Posted
Then he said, "I don't know why you put up with me. You're smart and beautiful and you can have anyone you want."

 

I don't know why you put up with him either...look, the guy is TELLING YOU that he never plans on leaving his wife. How much clearer can he make it?

 

Believe him.

  • Author
Posted
If he will ever leave, he will have to decide that his happiness is more important than what people think and material possessions...That's really the bottom-line...

 

And I don't know if he will...I think it is a good idea to go NC...He will have to decide if he can live without you or not...That is really the turning point...If he can live without you, then you deserve better...You need to know that so that you can move on...

 

If he cannot live without you, he will come back to you and he will do what is necessary...

 

Thumbs up, GEL. That's how I feel. He has to decide what is more important. His happiness...or money. Everyone at work already knows we're together, because that's where we met. And everyone pretty much knows it's not a happy marriage. There is some semblance of a facade. He once told me that his MIL was bringing a guest to spend the night, so he had to behave because he didn't want to insult HER. And his parents live in a different part of the country, and I'm not sure how much they know about how unhappy the marriage is. But everyone else knows.

 

I hate feeling manipulative, like "I'm not going to talk to you," but this is about both of us having the chance to sort out what we really want.

Posted
He has to decide what is more important. His happiness...or money.

 

But it isn't just about money or HIS happiness - He's already told you why - His daughter. You meantioned this in your first post.

 

One thing just to think about, and as much as it will be hard to do right now, a good reason to consider ending it now is, atleast over the holiday's you'll be around family and friends. Come January, after your bday, it's a long winter...2 months is a long time away and alot of healing can go on between now and your bday.

Posted
He has to decide what is more important. His happiness...or money.

 

But it isn't just about money or HIS happiness - He's already told you why - His daughter. You meantioned this in your first post.

 

One thing just to think about, and as much as it will be hard to do right now, a good reason to consider ending it now is, atleast over the holiday's you'll be around family and friends. Come January, after your bday, it's a long winter...2 months is a long time away and alot of healing can go on between now and your bday.

Posted

You'll do what you will...but I still agree with OWL.

 

Take Owls advice into serious consideration. Otherwise I think you will

be here in ANOTHER two months....4 months....trying to "start over" on

NC.

 

Until you decide to take off the blinders you will ONLY see what you want..and not the reality of the situation. From experience...the only thing that is going to make that happen is getting SICK AND TIRED of

hearing the same crap excuses.....and accepting "crumbs". Again..you can choose to do it NOW or prolong the inevitable....Just know...it NEVER gets better.

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