NickP Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Hey, I don't even know where 2 start with this. I dated my gf for 2 years, and after the 2nd year, the both of us left for university in separate parts of the world. But, we decided to try out a long distance relationship, which worked for a whole year. So my gf and I have been together for 1 year now on long distance, but few days ago, she just decided to finally tell me that she has got feelings for Bob. She's a uni student, and rents a bungalow with 2 guys and 2 other girls. For a long time now, one of the guys in that house, Bob, and her have been getting very close. She used to always talk well about him but she would always claim that there was nothing going on. They would hang out in the kitchen for hours just chatting or watching the telly 2gether with their other housemates. However, after a while, I just found her to be getting really close to him bcos she wouldn't tell me all the time that he was around. All of a sudden, it was as if she had a reason to hide the fact whether he was around her or not from me. Her personality changed so much during that time, she became a lot less affectionate in her words and got less "loving". She wouldn't care if any other girl were to hit on me, but she would just brush it off as being "alright". I felt that before Bob, she was afraid of losing me and would show her jealousy so outrightly but now, she wasn't. She just slowly drifted away. BUT, she always maintained that she loved me and that she didn't have feelings for him. I held onto her words. Soon,I started getting suspicious, and I asked her to stay away from him. I know that I prob had no right to ask that of anyone, but she agreed and she told him that she shouldn't hang out with him so much anymore cos she didn't want to screw up our relationship. However, when she told him that, he got very upset and started ignoring her. According to her, he stopped speaking to her unless spoken to. Once, Bob even got upset publicly by telling her off in their kitchen, claiming that he was not trying to tear us apart but trying to be just a friend for her. She called me feeling really upset. I didn't like to hear her so upset so i told her not to ignore him or anything like that but to just be her usual friendly self to him. she agreed but, she wouldn't always tell me when she hung out with him. when I wld ask her if he was around, she would get upset and yell. BUT, she always maintained that she loves me and not him. 3 days ago, she left me saying that she has feelings for him. i was devastated cos i felt so lost.i didnt knoe wot to do, but i knew what she n i were and wot we cld be if we tried again. i asked her 2 forget bout him, cos he was leaving town in jus a wk n she wld never see him again. she keeps sayin she cant. she knows that he's leaving so she can't be with him, but she cant be with me as well cos she feels that this relationship has no foundation and she can't 4give herself. how cld that be?? we had 3 happy years 2gether, there def muz b a foundation for that to work. she keeps sayin that there's no chance of us getting bak. my sister tells me that i shld leave her, cos she's takin advantage of my feelings for her and i'll find some1 better. but why wld i want to throw what she n i had 2gether so quickly? to be honest, i don't know if Bob knows yet or not that she's left me. I do think that he does like her and that's why he got so hurt when she told him to not interfere in our relationship. Since we broke up few days ago, she has spoken to me every day on the phone. She says she wants to 'be there for me' cos she still cares bout me. i feel like she's sympathising with me but i dont want that !! i want her !! i always have. i've cared about her for so long and i keep teling her to come back to me. she apologises profusely but those apologies mean nothing cos she's not trying to fix anything. i don't knoe what i shld do. im hoping SO MUCH that by talking to me, she'll realise that Bob does not mean half as much to her as what she and i have built between us in 3 years. she keeps telling me not to expect anything, and i keep bombarding her with questions, and i dont know if that's pushing her away even further. im so confused as to what i should do. i refuse to deal with the loss of this relationship yet cos i feel it can still be recovered. she MUST still hve feelings for me if she calls me every day ryt? i don't know what i should do.. nick
Harpe Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Long distance is tough...it is hard to keep up a relationship with another person when they are not physically there, and the tempation to meet new people who actually are there is often too hard for people to pass up. I suspect that there is more to her and Bob than she is letting you know, especially if they are living together, but I don't know her like you do. The thing is, people change and want different things, especially when they are young. It sounds like you two had a close relationship, especially if you made it last for another year while you were long distance, but I have to ask, what are you getting out of this relationship besides emotional support if you cannot even see eachother. Will you two be living closer together soon or is this long distance thing going to continue. It is hard when your girl meets a new guy who she says is just a friend, who she then begins to hang out with...You have to set boundaries early on in the relationship for what is acceptable behavior and what is not. If you act jealous or worried that something might happen between the two of them, that they are getting too close, then you lose the power in the relationship. You must do it firmly, authoratitively...She KNOWS that getting close with another guy would jeapordize things, yet she continued to do so, so she was either testing you, or more likely just like hanging out/gettting close with someone who was actually physically there. Now that you two are officially broken up, the absolute WORST thing you can do is to continue to beg/seek attention/sympathy from her. Right now she is still talking to you and being sympathetic to you because she does still have some feelings for you or feels bad about dumping you. But, if you keep it up her RESPECT for you will start to go down and down and down...she will take less of your calls and be more cold and distant, which in turn will make you even more needy/desparate of her attention. If you want her to ever think highly of you, to ever think of you as a man, to ever desire you, you have to retain her RESPECT for you. What you HAVE TO do now, as bloody hard as it will be to do, is to distance yourself from her emotionally...you have to MAN up, and accept that it is over, even if you still feel terrible. She still calls you because she probably still cares about you, but also because of the emotional validation you give her. She likes to feel needed. The only way you are going to get her back (though it has a small chance of working, especially if you two are so far apart), it to take that emotional validation away. Tell her that you have accepted that she has moved on, and that you are going to do the same. Wish her well in her new relationship/life, do not be cold to her, but at the same time your voice and words must be those of strength and not desparation. She cannot realize what she has given up if you are still giving her everything she "wants" even when outside of a relationship. Answer LESS of her calls (maybe even none of them for a while to give yourself time to grieve/distance yourself emotionally...though maybe tell her that you are going to do that or she might be resentful), and when you do pick up speak as though things are going fine in your life (because hopefully you will be taking actions to improve your life), and do not give her the emotional validation you once did, but still be warm/fun/friendly. You said in your post that you do not understand how she could give up what you have so quickly. It might have been quick to you, but for her I imagine it has been a fairly long process. You might not have done anything wrong persay....people do just grow apart. Accepting that and accepting that with life comes change is a helluva hard thing to do, but is so neccessary if we are to become strong and emotionaly healthy individuals. You should now look at this part of your life not as a loss, but as a liberation. You were in a relationship with someone else who you could not even see because of the distance between you. To me that is just crazy, and does not work unless it is just going to be temporary (a year or less maybe). Now you have the opportunity to meet new people, to go out with these other girls who are flirting with you, to find someone who you CAN make just as deep a connection with (maybe even deeper), who is going to physically be there....something that for me would be immensely more satisfying than a long distance relationship. You and her might not be together anymore, but take these steps and whatever relationship you two have in the future will be better than if you continue on the path you have started on now. Good Luck.
omit Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 This is so true, my gf broke up with me we were doing long distance too. I spilled my guts in an e mial to her and she now has 0 respect for me. Dont end up like me no contact and move on if its to be she will realise and get in contact with you.
Author NickP Posted January 6, 2008 Author Posted January 6, 2008 (edited) Love is an amazing thing. It'll make people do the craziest of things for the ones they love. However, love is BLIND! BLIND! It'll blind even the sharpest of eyes. Anyone who knows what loneliness is will always be afraid to lose the one that he has chosen to love. It's terrible. I loved my ex-gf. She was the one person I truly,deeply cared about in this world. The one that I'd give anyhthing to see happy. I even trusted her BLINDLY from halfway across the world. Sure, that sounds cliche. But we had been thru so much 2gether, it always made me feel that there was nothing that could tear us apart, except betrayal. True enough, betrayal happened. Thank you guys for your advice. You really gave me strength when I was so,so weak. It's been 2 months since I left her. And yes, she has called me, asking for me to be hers again. But I've chosen to leave her and have stuck with my decision since. It's hard, cos part of me wonders if I still love her.. To be honest, I don't have the answer to that question. Right now though, I don't think I need that answer. What's more important for me is that I do not get afraid to love again. I must believe that there is someone out ther better than her 4 me. Since "the break up", I often find myself searching deep into my heart, bringing up those feelings of absolute bliss that I odnce had, from holding the woman that I love so firmly in my hands. And I wonder a LOT, now, if I'll ever experience that feeling with anyone else. I can't say that I have an answer, cos well, I haven't experience that feeling with anyone else yet. But relationships are part of life. I think being a bachelor now may be just what I need. A breather from relationships, considering how I've not been single for more than 3 months in the past 5 years lol. I don't know why I'm sharing this here. I guess what I'm saying is, breaking up(from a serious relationship) is HARD! But, NOT impossible!! Life deals you with the toughest of ****s and sometimes, you gotta take it. You just gotta take it. I look forward to what life has to offer though, I'm hoping that I become a better and stronger person with experience from this bitter ending to what I believed was a good relationship. Only time will tell I guess. To many who are reading this who may just be in the midst of a horrible break up, do not EVER think that life ends there for you. Because, there's so much that the world has to offer you still. You might have just lost the one that you love, but you should always realise that you need learn to love yourself if u want to love some1 else. My ex-gf cheated on me, and I was foolishly thinking about giving her a chance IMMEDIATELY. I was clearly blinded by how I felt for her, cos I was so afraid of being alone again. If he/she hasn't treated you well, make sure that you realise that you deserve respect. Do not ever compromise ur definition of what a relationship is to you. Have faith that you'll find one that can love you as much as you feel you deserve to be love. To those in love, I cannot be more happier for you. Like I said at the beginning, love is amazing, and I hope all of you live happily eva after. NickP p.s. PLease leave ur thoughts.. Edited January 6, 2008 by NickP
Chiquita27 Posted January 6, 2008 Posted January 6, 2008 NickP, Your last post was truly amazing and heartfelt, you should be really proud of yourself. Not all men are able to accept their emotions and feelings for someone. In fact most men try to deny their feelings and are afraid to embrace their emotions. In your case it seems like you put your heart on the line for someone and even though it didn't work out you did your best to make it work. I'm sure one day you will find the right person that will appreciate who you are and what you are offering to her. Best of luck!
Author NickP Posted January 7, 2008 Author Posted January 7, 2008 NickP, I'm sure one day you will find the right person that will appreciate who you are and what you are offering to her. Best of luck! Thanks v much Chiquita. I hope the same for u too.. All the best to u as well..
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