4givrnt4gtr Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 So...another interesting conversation with my SO last night. Apparently we've been having lots of those lately. Anyway, this one was a bit disturbing, mostly because he told me his parents are pushing him to get marry and that makes him not want to get married ( he is Indian). So we've talked about this before, neither of us are ready for that, I still want to get my PhD, he wants to work some more. Anyway, yesterday that came up again, he again, said he wasnt ready for marriage and didnt know when he would be. That didnt surprise me, but then he said something about how his brother, when he was ready to get married, set out to look for whom to get married. He even went off to India to find his wife. My SO said that his brother had done the whole dating thing but that didnt feel right so when he was ready we went out to look for what he wanted. I asked him if he would do the same and he said he didnt know. That he would be surprised if he did and probably not, since he rather know exactly who he was marrying. Now, this raised a question....I know we're nowhere near marriage, but I dont really want to be the girl he is with while he gets ready, then when he's ready he breaks it off to find someone he would actually marry. I want to ask him if this is the case....delicately. I was wondering which approach to take though... 1) the example, to see his response " so my ex contacted me, i felt so bad, I dated him knowing fully well I would never become serious with him, I ended up hurting him really bad".... 2) The straight out approach....this risks him getting defensive. " So i was thinking about what we talked about last nite. It kinda made me wonder if you would ever consider, after we accomplish all that we want, to marry me? or would you try to find someone who you think fit you better?" 3) The hypothetical question...."So....completely hypothetical....say we meet 5 years from now...and you're ready to get marry. Would you consider marrying someone like me?" *Any other suggestions will be gladly accepted. What do you guys think would be the best approach that wont offend him but would get me the answer i need (which is to know if im the "in the meantime" girl)
melodymatters Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I like #2, the straight out approach. I am not willing to play games or beat around the bush with somone I share my life, love and body with. Of course you mentioned India, and I am a very American chick, so the cultural thing may weigh in differently. Good luck !
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Didn't he introduce you as "his future wife", in another thread? It appears to me that you're having some difficulty being straight with him, that your main concern is not to scare off someone timid, instead of getting what you require from this relationship. Why not be direct? Must it always be a game of eggshells and manipulation, to get the results you want?
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Didn't he introduce you as "his future wife", in another thread? It appears to me that you're having some difficulty being straight with him, that your main concern is not to scare off someone timid, instead of getting what you require from this relationship. Why not be direct? Must it always be a game of eggshells and manipulation, to get the results you want? yup he did...but he was kinda drunk.... and its not manipulation really...i want a straight answer...but i cannot be like a bull in a china store, like ive done in the past. So i need to put my question in a way so that i get an answer without offending him or making him think im pushing me to make a marriage commitment. Maybe I could tell him exactly what im telling you.... Maybe the problem isnt so much how to word it, but how to deal with an answer i may get and may not like.....
Cobra_X30 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 yup he did...but he was kinda drunk.... and its not manipulation really...i want a straight answer...but i cannot be like a bull in a china store, like ive done in the past. So i need to put my question in a way so that i get an answer without offending him or making him think im pushing me to make a marriage commitment. Maybe I could tell him exactly what im telling you.... Maybe the problem isnt so much how to word it, but how to deal with an answer i may get and may not like..... Are you Indian also? If not... would his family have any problems with him marrying you? There are lots of people from India where I live, the men very often run back to India to get a wife. Sometimes due to family and social pressure. If you want to know... ask straight out. And be prepared for an I dont know response!
Leia Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I like #2, the straight out approach. I am not willing to play games or beat around the bush with somone I share my life, love and body with. Of course you mentioned India, and I am a very American chick, so the cultural thing may weigh in differently. Good luck ! I would go for #2 as well. Better be straight up about matters like this. I wouldn't want to be "in the mean time" girl and I'd make a point to tell him that! He'd be off marrying someone and you'd be trying hard to get over him... tell him that wouldn't be fair to you!
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 yup he did...but he was kinda drunk.... and its not manipulation really...i want a straight answer...but i cannot be like a bull in a china store, like ive done in the past. So i need to put my question in a way so that i get an answer without offending him or making him think im pushing me to make a marriage commitment. Maybe I could tell him exactly what im telling you.... Maybe the problem isnt so much how to word it, but how to deal with an answer i may get and may not like..... Fair enough, although being direct doesn't have to "a bull in a china shop". That's personal style and preference. I think it's a combination of a few things, particularly the bolded portion. Do you feel that a more "tactful" approach will get you the answers you need, in order to make educated decisions in your life? Another possible approach is to inject humour and then turn the conversation around to something more serious. "I adore you and know you feel the same way about me. What say you we have a 201x wedding? I saw something in a Victoria Secret flyer that I know you'd like for the wedding night. Shall I add it to my trousseau so you have something to look forward to?" Deliver it in a light-hearted manner, full of cheekiness, boldness and flirtatious innuendo. If he blanches, he's not ready to define your future together.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Another possible approach is to inject humour and then turn the conversation around to something more serious. "I adore you and know you feel the same way about me. What say you we have a 201x wedding? I saw something in a Victoria Secret flyer that I know you'd like for the wedding night. Shall I add it to my trousseau so you have something to look forward to?" Deliver it in a light-hearted manner, full of cheekiness, boldness and flirtatious innuendo. If he blanches, he's not ready to define your future together. hmm i really like this idea. We have a lot of humor in our relationship and whenever an issue arises, as they sometimes do, we solve it with humor, without getting too upset. Maybe thats another reason why its hard for me to imagine me going to him completely serioius, with an ultimatum type of conversation. It'll be a huge deviation from how we usually interact. I think this i can definitely do...dont know why i didnt think of that. THank you!!!
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