am i wrong

[wherewouldibe]

My bf and i dated 4 years. we recently took a 3 month break and are back together. For the first month things have been great. We've been more in love than ever before, get along so well etc. Well we had a fight over thanksgiving because my bf and his 9yr old son couldn;t go to my parents house (they live 4 hrs away) with me. THe reason was his son's mother had to see him for 1/2 the day. So I sort of understood but he could have made other arrangements. I have to say that I have put ALOT of effort into our new relationship. everything that he asked me to "fix" I've done. I spend all my free time with him and his son, I take the little boy places by myself (don't have any kids) so we can have quality time together. I'm the one who always goes to my bf's apartmetn because it is nicer and he lives alone (with his boy) and I have roommmates. So I am ALWAYS the one driving over to his place. Not a big deal but it adds up.

 

 

Well our most recent fight is over this- please tell me what you think- my bf's company is having a xmas party this weekend- they are going to play paintball for five hours then go out to lunch. spouses, so's are invited. Now my bf showed me the invitation two weeks ago. he made NO mention of inviting me. instead he sadi that his son had a birthday party he had to go to at 1pm but the paintball party lasted until 2pm and was an hr away. At this time he didnt' invite me to the party and didnt' ask me to take his son to the party either. Well last night he asked me if Id stay friday night (paintball is on sat.) and take his son to the birthday party at 1pm while my bf goes to this paintball party.I got upset because #1 I'm not a babysitter!! I have no problem pickign his son up from school once in awhile or taking him out, I love him. But i don't think its fair that I have to "ruin" my saturday- getting to sleep in is something I look forward to as I have to get up very early for work M-F and his son doesn't sleep past 8am! Well since I didn't want to do that my bf called me this morning and siad he wants me to go to the paintball party with them because now his son wants to go. he volunteered me to run the video camera since I won't be playing. we have to leave at 7:30a and the thing isn't over till 2pm.

 

lso we live in the north east and this saturday the temp is supposed to be in the 20's and I dont want to be outside for 5 hrs sitting around watching a bunch of people play paintball. if it were warmer or inside I'd probably want to play but i'm not a cold weather person at all. Well my bf is furiious at me. says thats why he didnt' invite me till this morning because he figured I'd say no. and he's mad because he says whenever he asks me to do something I never want to go. (Not true- I went to a party with him and his friends recently, we took his son to see a movie, the only thing I've said no to is babysitting his son so he could go to this party and now I dont' want to go to this party at all. I dont expect him to stay home- he can go and have fun and I'll hang out with my friends till he gets home and then we'll spend time togther.

 

i brought up that he doens't always do what I want either-he didn't go to my parents for thanksgiving and I wanted to introduce him to a friend of mine he's never met (just moved back to the area) and this guy is someone I used to date when I was 15! and he considers him an ex and doesn't want to meet him and his girfriend.

 

 

I just feel like everything has to be HIS way or he isn't happy. am i overreacting or am I the b"tch in this situation?

[Jilly Bean]

I think you need to understand that when you date someone with kids, their kids will always be their numbero uno priority and you will always be in the silver medal position. It's just how it goes. So, either you embrace the fact that this is your reality in being with this guy, and that you will always be asked to rearrange your life and be accomodating to his relationship with his son, or you should just find someone with no children.

 

[wherewouldibe]

I don't have a problem with his son being #1. And I dont' think I have a problem dating someone with kids. I mean, we dont have much alone time, we watch kid movies all the time, go to parks, go places his son would want to go. Instead of going to nice restaurants for dinner we hit fast food places with play grounds. So its not like I don't take his son into consideration- actually pretty much everything I do with my bf is kid friendly.

 

My problem is that #1 we are trying to start over. and I feel like I"M the only one making the effort. All my bf has to do is sit at home and wait for me to come over. #2 he didnt even ASK me to go to the paintball party with him. If he would have asked 2 weeks ago when he got the invitation i probably would have wanted to go. But the fact that I've been bothered by this for two weeks just created an explosion when he just assumed I would stay home (his place, we dont' live together) and watch his son so he could go. He has 4 brothers, a sister and his parents that live in the area. Also his son's mom. If he really needed a babysitter it wouldnt' be too hard to find one. But intstead (and I know this sounds selfish on my part, but I had resigned myself to the fact my bf wasnt' inviting me and I was looking forward to sleeping in on sat. and then having lunch with friends) He thinks I should put HIM first (his happiness) and not have a problem cancelling my plans to babysit his son while he goes off and has fun. When I dont want to do that, he then wants me to come to the paintball party (probably to keep an eye on his son who is now going to the party with him). I really dont want to go now as I already have other plans and it is going to be freezing cold outside (paintball field is outside) and all I would be doing is sitting there watching. (oh and before even asking me if I WANTED to go he volunteered me to videotape the paintball war since the guy who was going to do so is now playing in the match or whatever you call it.

[Ruthieo01]

I agree with JB, the kid is always going to be number one. I think that when you date people with children, the parent never really understands that you need alone time with them to be adults. They don't see the kid as a big deal, they have leanered to adjust to them being around. Where as you are not adjusted to it, and you don't share the same patience for the child because he is not yours. ( I don't mean that in a bad way) You may love the child with all of your heart but still he is always going to be more apt to not get a babysitter and bring them along and not think about how you feel.

 

He looks at you almost like a wife, he thinks that if you are with him you shouldn't care to stay home and get up and chase the kid around on a saturday morning.

 

---

 

Plus, if the kid had party to go to, why would he just ask you when he got the invitation? Weather you would say no or not?

 

Honestly if I were you I would really sit back and think about your relationship with him. Does he really make you feel special when if just you and him? Without the Kid involved, is it a good relationship?

 

I don't think your over reacting at all though. I would feel the exact same way.

 

Good Luck

[Kamille]

I'm left wondering if it really matters who is right or who is wrong. You don't feel like babysitting or going to the party, don't babysit or go to the party.

 

I also wonder why you didn't bring up the party (lack of) invitation when it started bothering you. Things held in have a way of blowing up and you likely wouldn't have resented him so much for asking you to babysit.

 

Have you two ever discussed your views about what he expects of you as a partner in his role as a parent? Do the two of you ever want to have children?

[Jilly Bean]

I get what you're saying, hon. I think he takes you for granted, but I think thats because parents think them and their child are a package deal, and to be involved with him fully, means you have to accept his kid fully, too.

 

Personally, I NEVER date men with kids, because I am way too selfish and need to be #1 and also prefer a more spontaneous relationship. I wouldn't be able to tolerate what you have with this guy for one weekend, let alone for years.

 

I think you need to ask yourself what is important to you in a relationship.

 

I don't think you're over-reacting, but I do think you need to address all this with him. Let him know you dont feel special and that you do feel taken for granted.

[compassion42]

I think you have every right to feel the way you do. It's HARD dating someone with little ones-especially if you don't have any yourself.

Because it's so hard,it's even more important to have good communication and let your feelings be known in a loving way.

I'm sure your sweetie appreciates the things that you do for his child-explain to him where you are coming and I bet he'll understand.

[Lovegod]

My bf and i dated 4 years. we recently took a 3 month break and are back together.

 

If your relationship needs to "take a break", then there's something seriously wrong with it.

 

my bf and his 9yr old son

 

You have to understand, when you get into a relationship with a single parent, you get into a relationship with the parent AND the child. You have two people's agendas to deal with, not just one.

 

THe reason was his son's mother had to see him for 1/2 the day. So I sort of understood but he could have made other arrangements.

 

His and the child's priorities come first in his life and always will. You cannot change that or expect him to put you above his boy.

 

I take the little boy places by myself (don't have any kids) so we can have quality time together

I got upset because #1 I'm not a babysitter!!

 

Well you've certainly been acting like a babysitter! If you've been spending time with his boy to show him how wonderful you are or to impress him, it's not working.

 

My problem is that #1 we are trying to start over.

 

You can't just "start over" when you know the person really well. You've just taken a 3 week break from fixing something that is beyond repair.

 

i brought up that he doens't always do what I want either-he didn't go to my parents for thanksgiving blah blah blah blah

 

Again, if you needed to take a break from the relationship, then there's something wrong with your relationship. Neither of you are working together - and THAT'S what make a relationship work. You two are obviously incompatible. I think you need to move on and find a guy who doesn't have any kids. It'll make both your lives much easier.

[wherewouldibe]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate everything everyone has to say. I honestly dont' feel its that I feel left out because of his son or that I'm #2. I've never dated anyone with a child before and I think I handle it very well. My bf says he's dated women WITh children who don't go out of their way to consider his son's feelings because they are too involved with thier own kids so that is one reason he's been with me for 4 yrs. I'm not jealous of his son and we actually have a good relationship (his son and I) he always wants to cuddle with me, wants to play games with me etc. He tells me he loves me every time he sees me. So in a way my bf and i get along better, love eachother more because of his son if that makes any sense. Yes my bf and I have a good relationship when his son isnt' around which is every other weekend.

 

I don't know why I waited two weeks before I brougth up my feelings about being excluded from his paint ball party. I think the whole him missing thanksgiving with me and my family thing just compounded the not being invited to his xmas party (paintball) thing. Like one thing wouldnt' have bothered me much without the other. I should clarify- my bf has a paintball xmas party on sat. and his son has a friend's birthday party to attend that same day. They are both at a conflicting time so my bf can't go to both. He wanted me to take his son to the friend's birthday kiddy party for him. So he could play paintball. At first I wasn't opposed to this- I was going to sleep in, have lunch with friends then go pick his son up from his grandma's or whereever then take him to his kiddy party while my bf was at his paintball xmas party.

 

Well then my bf changed the plans and asked ME to stay the night friday so I could be there on sat morning to watch his son all day then take him to the kiddy birthday party while my bf went to his paintball xmas party (two separte parties) The reason is he couldn't find a babysitter as oringally planned. So if I dont' do this he would have to stay home and miss his paintball party to take his son to the birthday party his son wants to attend. So its either my boyfriend gets to do his thing or he has to sacrifice that time to take his son somewhere. I didn't want to do this because I already had plans and my bf got very upset with me. Said if I want to date him I need to understand what having kids invovles. Yes I DO. But as much as I love my bf's son he's not MY responsibility. If my bf's son wants to go to a birthday party and my bf wants to go to HIS xmas party (paintball) then its up to HIM to make arrangements or give up his own fun time to take his son to his party.

 

 

Now he wants me to go to the paintball party with him and HIS SON. his son will skip the kiddy birthday but in order for him to take his son to the paintball party he needs an adult to watch him while the paintball is being played (which would be ME) so its not like he wants me to go because he wants me there. he just wants what is conveneint for HIM. And that is why I'm irritated. I just think he wants me to make all the effort and the sacrifices or he's not happy.

[wherewouldibe]

His and the child's priorities come first in his life and always will. You cannot change that or expect him to put you above his boy.

 

I don't expect to be put above his child. I have totally welcomed/acommodated his son is my life. But I dont think its fair that he expect to be #1 in MY life. I mean he wanted me to blow off my family (who lives 4 hrs away and I dont' see them often) to spend thanksgiving with HIM and his son. So if he can't go with me because of his son's visitation with his mother then he shouldn't expect me to blow off my family to be with HIM either.

 

Well you've certainly been acting like a babysitter! If you've been spending time with his boy to show him how wonderful you are or to impress him, it's not working.

 

No, I spend time with his son because I enjoy it and because his son wants me to. I'm not trying to impress anyone.

 

You can't just "start over" when you know the person really well. You've just taken a 3 week break from fixing something that is beyond repair.

 

We took a 3 MONTH break to see if this was what we really wanted. turned out it was and we got back together.

 

 

Again, I understand that the needs of his son come before me. I don't have a problem with that. In fact I'd be worried if I was dating a parent who put the needs of their partner before their own child (seen it happen) I'm not asking him to get a babysitter for his son so he and I can spend time together. I'm upset because He wants ME to be the babysitter so he can go out and do fun things. I have no problem with him going by himself to do these fun things but he shouldnt' EXPECT me to make his life more convenient and put HIM ahead of everything else in MY life. Like the needs of HIS chid should come first in MY life too. I agree as a couple his son's needs should come first but if I want to be selfish one day and sleep in or hang out with friends, its not my responsibility to make his son my first priority.

[Lovegod]

Said if I want to date him I need to understand what having kids invovles. Yes I DO.

 

You are childless. You truly DON'T have an idea of what having kids is like. Borrowing other people's children only gives you a small taste of what it's like.

 

But as much as I love my bf's son he's not MY responsibility

 

Then why are you taking it on as a responsibility? You spend time with him one-on-one, you cuddle with him, you pick him up from school, he says "I love you", but he's not your responsibility? If you don't want the responsibility of his child, then quit treating him as if he was yours! Better yet, if you don't want the responsibility of someone else's child, date someone who doesn't have any kids.

 

I didn't want to do this because I already had plans

Even I think "sleeping in" is a piss-poor idea of "plans". Lazy people make plans to be lazy.

[wherewouldibe]

I'm getting so frustrated just trying to get my point across. I guess I really need to discuss this with my bf. This is what it feels like to me.

 

Here is what I do in the relationship- I meet him at his apartment every day. I see him 7 days a week most of the time. I drive over after work (my gas money) He has a nicer apartment and lives alone so that is the main reason we hang out at his place. However he does not live in the nicest neighborhood and in the last six months my brand new car has been damaged twice- someone ripped the rear spoiler off of it and I had to buy a new one and someone backed into the side and scratched it. I had to pay for the full damage both times. I pick his son up from school at least twice a week. I make them both dinner about four to five times a week. I normally drive when we go somewhere because I have the newer vehicle (more gas money) My bf wanted me to spend more time with him so I spend 7 days a week at his house. I help them do things around the house meanwhile I get nothing done at my own apartment, get b*tched at by my roommates for not cleaning etc. Since I see my bf and his son 7 days a week, I rarely hang out with friends anymore. Seeing them is a treat. My bf doesn't want to hang out with my friends because my friends don't have kids.

I took his son trick or treating cause my bf had to work, I take his son to kid movies, the park, bowling etc by myself sometimes. Whenever my bf and I go out it is usually to fast food places, chucky cheese or other kid friendly places. I don't have a problem with this but I do like to go out with adults once in awhile.

 

 

When we got back togehter I told him I wanted to take it slow. But we ended up seeing eachother every day and I spend two nights a week there. If I don't feel like staying both weekend nights (because I miss my pets, my own bed etc) he gets mad. Last ngiht he was talking about he wishes I would move in with him. WHat happened to taking it slow?

[curiousnycgirl]

Ok so you feel taken advantage of. I get that, and probably agree with it. However you are allowing it to happen. You don't HAVE to be there 7 days a week. You can just as easily say no to going there every night.

 

I agree with the other posters, you're in a relationship with a man who appears to have custody of his son, therefore they are a package deal. I also agree you don't have to change your plans, whatever they are, to accomodate him all the time.

 

As far as not being invited to the party - I agree with you, had his son not wanted to go, you probably would not have been invited. I don't know why - but yes, it would bother me too.

 

So why are you still in this relationship? That is the real question. You feel taken advantage of. You are even pointing out that you spend more money on stuff than he does. Clearly everything is bothering you.

 

I would strongly suggest that YOU pull back a little and enforce the concept of taking it slow. It would be truly awful for you to continue to bond with his son and then blow up and just walk away one day.

 

As far as your pets go - you leave them?! I have a cat and am dogsitting for a friend of mine (since March). When I go to my b/f's house for the weekend, BOTH animals come with me! If he wants me there, he wants the animals too - it's really that simple.

 

Another point is you don't mention what you and your b/f do every other weekend when his son is with his mother - do you not do adult things then?

 

To be candid it sounds like you are letting a lot of things build up in you and your resentment is boiling. You need to figure out how to relieve the pressure, or determine that this is simply not the right man for you.

 

Good luck with it.

[compassion42]

Of course he wants you to move in with him! He really has it made(and it sounds like he HAS A MAID too). You do soooo much and I know you do it because you care but it is important for you to have your own needs acknowledged too. I have a feeling that during the break you two had, he discovered that life was not so easy without YOU in it to support him and his child.

Believe it or not, I think YOU are in the drivers seat here. He needs you and I bet when all is said and done, he'll do what he needs to do to keep you in his life. So my advice is for you to figure out what you want and how you want the relationship to be and then talk to him. And when you do, don't let him bully you by getting mad at you-that's a control tactic that he uses because he knows it will work. Be Strong!

[Kamille]

 

 

Then why are you taking it on as a responsibility? You spend time with him one-on-one, you cuddle with him, you pick him up from school, he says "I love you", but he's not your responsibility? If you don't want the responsibility of his child, then quit treating him as if he was yours! Better yet, if you don't want the responsibility of someone else's child, date someone who doesn't have any kids.

 

 

I think this is pretty harsh judgement that has more to do with how society views parenting then anything else. Even if the OP was the kid's real mother, I would hope she wouldn't be her bf's default babysitter. My friends who have children are often confronted to how frustrating this can be, when their boyfriends (and father of their children) make plans without consulting them and assume that they will take care of the kids, by default.

 

But even then, my original point OP is that there is something the two of you are not clear on (I think it's linked to parenting) and until you are able to clarify each other's expectations, then you are stuck in a cycle of having to prove each other right or wrong. In my relationship experience, it's never taken me anywhere to prove the other person wrong. I am not saying you are over-reacting, I am just saying it might be more helpful for you relationship to think the problems on other terms.

 

In your shoes, I would try to figure out what's at stake for you in all of this (do you feel taken for granted?), why it's important to yu, what you would like to change and why and then clearly enunciate your expectations to him.

[Lovegod]

I'm getting so frustrated just trying to get my point across.

 

...and all you're doing is repeating yourself.

 

You're the one who's allowing him to take advantage of you. You're the one who's driving to his house. You're the one who's picking his boy up. You're the one who's sacrificing your life to spend with him and his child. If you don't have the balls to say "no" to him, then he's going to take advantage of your generousity.

 

That being said, you've already spoiled him with a lot so it's going to be hard as hell, if not impossible to break him out of being spoiled by you. When you finally grow some nuts and tell him "no", he's going to act like a little kid who isn't getting candy when he wants it.