overanalytical Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 my fiance is now traveling for his job...he's 12 hrs away and won't be back for at least 2 weeks. i miss him terribly. i talked to him last night and prob won't again until tonight as he's in training/meetings all day. last night he was going to 'drink with the guys'...have a few bourbons in the guy's hotel room and then go t bed at whatever time. now here is my problem...i dont' want him going out with these guys and drinking and going to bars. he told me he wasn't but i know how it gets around new people, you don't want to be singled out. but he's there to make money, do a job, not socialize...he knows that but at night i guess waht else is there to do at a new place. i don't know how to handle this...what if he does start going out at nights cause he has nothing else to do and doesn't want to be singled out? i trust him but we can't afford him doing that right now...and it's not like i'm having a fun time at home. i told him i wouldn't go out or do anythingso i'm sitting at home...and if he starts going out i'm going to be highly irritated cause i'm at home, doing nothing cause i know he's having a hard time...and then he goes out??!! i guess i need to wait until i see how this goes...don't need to jump the gun. what should i do IF he does go out with the guys?? not worry about it and find it good that he is getting along with his team and hope that he makes a ton of money while he's there??
tomwiz Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 If you trust him, what is there to worry about. If you don't trust him, then you have bigger fish to fry
bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 with all due respect, fear of marrying a woman who tells me I can't go out to a bar with friends when Im on a business trip is the reason I question my desire to ever get married.
Author overanalytical Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 he asked that i not go out while he's gone, i ask that he does the same. i don't think that's much to ask since we both want the same thing. although it would be nice to go out BUT i said i wouldn't...and i'm hoping he respects that as well.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 he asked that i not go out while he's gone, i ask that he does the same. i don't think that's much to ask since we both want the same thing. although it would be nice to go out BUT i said i wouldn't...and i'm hoping he respects that as well. Why did he ask that you not go out? Do you two not go out with your friends? To me, that doesn't seem healthy. If neither of you allow the other to go out with friends then you have a big problem. If you trust each other I don't see what the problem is...
Jilly Bean Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 It just sounds very controlling. Are you guys always having these trust issues with each other?
Author overanalytical Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 no, we just don't wnat the other going out without each other. always been like that. things are getting easier as i'm getting used to him hvaing a job 12 hrs away and i know people do it every day but it's not the easiest thing. i am not going to lie, i have insecurity issues, working on them andhave been the past year. i'm insecure with myself and i think he may be too which is why we both say no to going out. we both know how much each other loves the other person and that neither would ever cheat but somhow we're still insecure. i hate it. i admit it and he does too but that's just something we are having to work on. it doesn't happen over night.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 no, we just don't wnat the other going out without each other. always been like that. things are getting easier as i'm getting used to him hvaing a job 12 hrs away and i know people do it every day but it's not the easiest thing. i am not going to lie, i have insecurity issues, working on them andhave been the past year. i'm insecure with myself and i think he may be too which is why we both say no to going out. we both know how much each other loves the other person and that neither would ever cheat but somhow we're still insecure. i hate it. i admit it and he does too but that's just something we are having to work on. it doesn't happen over night. Wow, that is def. not healthy. I think you both need to work this out. Not allowing the other to go out does not help the relationship. It's good that you acknowledge you both have insecurity issues. But controlling the others behavior isn't going to resolve them. Have you thought about counseling or anything? Cause this is def. not healthy behavior, and if it continues you may start having some serious problems.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 no, we just don't wnat the other going out without each other. always been like that. Are you proud of that? Do you think it's normal, healthy? No offense, but people as insecure as you probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you've learned to deal with your inner issues.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Are you proud of that? Do you think it's normal, healthy? No offense, but people as insecure as you probably shouldn't be in a relationship until you've learned to deal with your inner issues. I completely agree with this. These insecurities are going to lead to bigger problems in the future, so this needs to be addressed ASAP.
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I've never had a problem with my gf's going out with friends. It has gotten to be a problem when I did not know those friends -- meaning -- she hung out with them a handful of times and I did not get to meet them, and in some cases, suspected they did not even know about me. However, that is very different than going out with friends. I think it is important in a relationship to be invited along 1-in-3 times, as a rough example, when your SO hangs out with friends, because it is a sign that his/her life is transparent and more importantly, that he wants to include you in it, that he wants you to meet the important people in his life because you are important to him. It sounds like that dynamic is met. What is unhealthy, is if you never go out without each other. You should be going out with your friends often, and he should be allowed to come most of those times, but you should get alone time with them. Why has it always been that way? Did it naturally happen that way? Or was there at one point a discussion about it? I like my gf's to have their own lives, I only ask that if she has hung out with a group of people 3 or more times after we have agreed to be exclusive, that I start getting the chance to meet them, because it is a sign they are serious about me. But I would not want to be there too often. I'd only want to meet the people she'd talk about often, mostly out of curiousity, as if I am developing a relationship, I want to meet the important people in her life, because I want to be included in her life. To me, it sounds like you might be too included in each others lives. And going out doesns't have to mean a scantily clad night club. It can be just dinner, a dive watching a game, a coffee shop, any number of things that are completely appropriate.
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