Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 The attacks on his fatherhood are unbelievable considering that this is not what this post is about really. Only he can determine for himself how hard or how long he should fight for something. Judgement is being passed to harshly without knowing all of the details of his custody, visitation, divorce situation. Sorry, I don't agree with you on the 1/2 the house is his daughter's statement. Legally if he was to die tomorrow...100% of the house would be mine. Thats a fact! Her entitlement is limited to what her parents have provided for her or willed to her. But this post is not about the material possession either... Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean you have to assume any responsibility for their kids. May sound cold, but that's a fact too! I have chosen to limit my contact with his kids and not allowed myself to become to attached because of all the drama circulating around them. When things go haywire it's the parents who are to first to point out that "these are not your kids", "mind your own business" blah blah blah. I am nice, approachable and social with his daughter, but being a best friend is not going to happen!
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Sorry, I don't agree with you on the 1/2 the house is his daughter's statement. Legally if he was to die tomorrow...100% of the house would be mine. Thats a fact! Her entitlement is limited to what her parents have provided for her or willed to her. But this post is not about the material possession either... How is that possible? Is the house in his name, too? If yes, she has a right to inherit his share. If he has a Will in which he leaves everything to you, she still has a right to take you to court.
hotgurl Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 unless you have a contract that states otherwise upon his death his estate including his 1/2 of the house goes to next of kin. Unless he willed it to you. Did you have any type of agreement drawn up in regards to the house?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 just based on how you talk about his house, the tennis courts, how a paltry "1.5 carat ring=fiance" instead of boyfriend, even though you refer to him as both, it sounds like your priorities are pretty messed up. i understand your problems, and that having people in your life who get in the way really does suck, but your own selfishness is causing a lot of your feelings toward situations that could be settled amicably and fairly. this is his family. you need to accept it. and if you don't accept it, you need to talk to your boyfriend who gave you a ring; if you can't talk about these things, you're not ready for marriage--especially after over a decade. it might be in your best interest to separate yourself from all this before you're married, if that's ever actually going to happen. a guy who doesn't go to court for his daughter because of time and money, but doesn't mind working and spending his money on everything else, i wouldn't expect much from him, if i were you. it just seems like you'll love him as long as it's you and him in the grand palace, with no sharing on your part. just saying. your outlook on life seems pretty warped, and that's now way to start a marriage after 11 years.
RecordProducer Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 I've been engaged for 11 yrs Two months ago the plot thickens....my fiance's daughter was dropped on our doorsteps and mid-night by the police. The problem is...he hasn't had any ongoing contact with her since she was 6 years old...she is now 17. Hm... so he stopped seeing his daughter when he was with YOU, which means you actively supported this lack of contact between the two of them. And now that she re-appeared in your life, you want out of the relationship. As everyone sniffed it out, you don't sound like you really want out or you would be talking to an attorney about seeling the house. You want to blackmail him: either you or the daughter must leave. Of course the child has problems after growing up without a father!
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 How is that possible? Is the house in his name, too? If yes, she has a right to inherit his share. If he has a Will in which he leaves everything to you, she still has a right to take you to court. It's called "Joint Ownership with rights of surviorship" This is how the house is titled.
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 unless you have a contract that states otherwise upon his death his estate including his 1/2 of the house goes to next of kin. Unless he willed it to you. Did you have any type of agreement drawn up in regards to the house? House is in both of our names...."Joint ownership with rights of surviorship" Means....upon death of either party, 100% ownership is granted to the surving owners.
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Hm... so he stopped seeing his daughter when he was with YOU, which means you actively supported this lack of contact between the two of them. And now that she re-appeared in your life, you want out of the relationship. As everyone sniffed it out, you don't sound like you really want out or you would be talking to an attorney about seeling the house. You want to blackmail him: either you or the daughter must leave. Of course the child has problems after growing up without a father! I really can't believe this. He did not stop seeing his daughter when we started dating. His ex-wife stop allowing him visistation because she couldn't handle that he was finally moving onwith his life. Come on...she had physical custody. She made sure they were out of town with her family around the holidays, and away at her timeshare in the summer on vacation. His kids are screwed up because both parents acted like an ass....period. I had nothing to do with visitation! Blackmail him...me or the daughter....it's amazing that everyone is zeroing on the daughter....I began the post talking about his brother... Yes I want some control back over my household....not a crime. I want his daughter to be a responsible, respectful young lady. I want the mother to take more ownership of what is happening in her daughters life right now. Given the fact that this child has these issues, she should not be left with me for a week alone. One of her parents should be making sure she is getting to school, getting home at a decent time, not drinking beer...WHY AM I LEFT TO DEAL WITH THIS?
michelangelo Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 You took this on by letting your H go off on that prized trip. Get rid of all the booze in the house. Then tell that girl to knock it off or you will: 1. send her back to her mom and/or 2. Call the police about her illegal drinking or extend a truce with the girl and tell her you cannot be her mom, but that you know she is hurting, that you do not want to contribute to that pain, so you will not be enabling any underage drinking at your home. then ask her how you personally can help ease her pain.
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 just based on how you talk about his house, the tennis courts, how a paltry "1.5 carat ring=fiance" instead of boyfriend, even though you refer to him as both, it sounds like your priorities are pretty messed up. i understand your problems, and that having people in your life who get in the way really does suck, but your own selfishness is causing a lot of your feelings toward situations that could be settled amicably and fairly. this is his family. you need to accept it. and if you don't accept it, you need to talk to your boyfriend who gave you a ring; if you can't talk about these things, you're not ready for marriage--especially after over a decade. it might be in your best interest to separate yourself from all this before you're married, if that's ever actually going to happen. a guy who doesn't go to court for his daughter because of time and money, but doesn't mind working and spending his money on everything else, i wouldn't expect much from him, if i were you. it just seems like you'll love him as long as it's you and him in the grand palace, with no sharing on your part. just saying. your outlook on life seems pretty warped, and that's now way to start a marriage after 11 years. My priorities are not messed up. I want a harmoniously home life! I want to be respected in my home. I don't want to live with a child/teenager who throws tantrums, and punches holes in the wall. And uses the "F" bomb in every sentenance. I don't want to live my life around drug addicts, just as I don't want to live my life around alcoholics. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't appreciate the hard work that her father does to provide a roof over her head and food on the table. I want to have a finace/bf (whatever title I choose to use) to be father to his daughter and give guidance and reassurance that she is loved! Me mentioning the tennis court was to paint a picture of how the brother perceives our living situation. And the paltry 1.5 diamond was humor...somethings don't translate too well via the internet!
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 You took this on by letting your H go off on that prized trip. Get rid of all the booze in the house. Then tell that girl to knock it off or you will: 1. send her back to her mom and/or 2. Call the police about her illegal drinking or extend a truce with the girl and tell her you cannot be her mom, but that you know she is hurting, that you do not want to contribute to that pain, so you will not be enabling any underage drinking at your home. then ask her how you personally can help ease her pain. I offered her a truce a few weeks ago. We had a conversation where I stated that we both may had said or did thing to rub each other the wrong way. I said let's but this behind us an move forward since we are going to be living together. Her reply to me was: I am the way I am! When I get mad I punch holes in the wall (which she did) and I want to hit someone! I replied, if you hit someone in around here, you are going to end up in jail...so control yourself. Maybe not the best thing to say...but it was dialogue. She flat out refused to try and have been on non-speaking terms every since. Thus my confusion why her parents would leave her alone with me for week.
michelangelo Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Notice that she has not punched you or the wall since that conversation. She is an oppositional type teen, for sure, but you can get through to her if you keep trying. She is used to only getting attention from parents/adults/semi-parental figures by being negative. Since you are filling that bill, you have to act like a mature adult even when you think you are having an "equal" conversation with her. She is a child in a grown woman's body. She is not mature enough to to follow through quickly. especially given the situation you all are in. You are freaking out and you are an adult with far more resources both financial and maturitywise, plus experiencewise than she has. So use 'em! Imagine how much harder it is for her without those resources. Yes, you are deciding to get out of there, but in the meantime, be smart, reduce tension in the house. Don't blame a rejected and abandoned and manipulated teenager for acting like a jerk. see it for what it is, a response to sad circumstances.
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Notice that she has not punched you or the wall since that conversation. She is an oppositional type teen, for sure, but you can get through to her if you keep trying. She is used to only getting attention from parents/adults/semi-parental figures by being negative. Since you are filling that bill, you have to act like a mature adult even when you think you are having an "equal" conversation with her. She is a child in a grown woman's body. She is not mature enough to to follow through quickly. especially given the situation you all are in. You are freaking out and you are an adult with far more resources both financial and maturitywise, plus experiencewise than she has. So use 'em! Imagine how much harder it is for her without those resources. Yes, you are deciding to get out of there, but in the meantime, be smart, reduce tension in the house. Don't blame a rejected and abandoned and manipulated teenager for acting like a jerk. see it for what it is, a response to sad circumstances. First off...a BIG THANK YOU FOR YOUR SENSIBLE REPLY! All day I've been fighting off all kinds of attacks. I do realize she is a teenager in a grown up body, who thinks she knows it all, and had all the answers to life's questions...good grief. What I don't get is the parents not instituting some consequences for her bad behavior. It's like it's acceptable. Not in my home...it's not, and if the father refuses to address, then I feel I have no other choice but to move on. This has been my premise from the beginning. I'm not trying to blackmail anyone...I'm not saying it's either the daughter or me...but there has to be some change in the current situation so we all can be happy. If it doesn't change, how can I move on with out it becoming a bitter, spikeful and hateful event?
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 There isn’t much these days that scares me or makes me drop my jaw. But I have to admit Pheonix, you’re story raised the hair on my arms. I’ve never believed in the concept of being “stuck” ... as that’s usually just a state of mind. But if could ever imagine a worst case scenario where someone might actually find themselves painted into the proverbial corner ... you just provided it for me. I was RELIEVED when I read Michelangelo’s post. Never heard of a "Partition of Real Property" and spent some time looking it up myself. (Clocks self in forehead for not knowing about this one) At least you have some kind of backdoor option left open to you in the event your fiancé refuses to compromise or allow you to withdraw from your obligation to him (and now his entire family) who you are now basically being strong-armed into becoming financially responsible for. I’m sure when you agreed to purchase a house with him, you never imagined you’d be sharing it with so many other people. If it were me, I’d insist that my fiancé find someone else in his family to take in the freeloading 40-year-old party boy if he’s unwilling to take care of himself. I’d allow the daughter to remain for so long as she was willing to abide by your house rules and get the help that she needs with her problem. I agree, that all three of you could probably benefit with some counseling to help you along. Meanwhile, this is too much, and SOMEONE has to go ... and if your fiancé and his family refuses to negotiate one way or the other, and he holds your half of the equity hostage, I’d sell my key to the house to the highest bidder as my final “Screw you and your whole crazy family” parting gesture. A BIG THANK YOU TOO for understanding the essence of my dilema. Your post made me giggle:laugh:
michelangelo Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Send me a pm and I'll expand more on what I suggest. First off...a BIG THANK YOU FOR YOUR SENSIBLE REPLY! All day I've been fighting off all kinds of attacks. I do realize she is a teenager in a grown up body, who thinks she knows it all, and had all the answers to life's questions...good grief. What I don't get is the parents not instituting some consequences for her bad behavior. It's like it's acceptable. Not in my home...it's not, and if the father refuses to address, then I feel I have no other choice but to move on. This has been my premise from the beginning. I'm not trying to blackmail anyone...I'm not saying it's either the daughter or me...but there has to be some change in the current situation so we all can be happy. If it doesn't change, how can I move on with out it becoming a bitter, spikeful and hateful event?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 i wasn't implying that you called your ring paltry. i was implying myself that it's paltry. my whole point is that you're putting all your attention in the wrong places, and that if it takes over a decade to get him to marry you, the other changes you require are not going to happen quickly enough to make you happy.
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 i wasn't implying that you called your ring paltry. i was implying myself that it's paltry. my whole point is that you're putting all your attention in the wrong places, and that if it takes over a decade to get him to marry you, the other changes you require are not going to happen quickly enough to make you happy. HA! I knew what you were implying. It is appearant that you do not understand anything I have been saying. What makes you think that "it takes over a decade to get him to marry me". How can you be so sure it's not the other way around. Your attempt at humor does not translate well via the internet either...HA!
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 HA! I knew what you were implying. It is appearant that you do not understand anything I have been saying. What makes you think that "it takes over a decade to get him to marry me". How can you be so sure it's not the other way around. Your attempt at humor does not translate well via the internet either...HA! you don't seem to be understanding that i meant nothing as humour. i don't know why you keep going on and on about "humour" over the internet when there should be nothing funny about any of this to you. i am pretty positive it's not the other way around (regarding your comment about your 'marriage') because if it was that way, you would just leave instead of putting up with all of these issues and trying to work it out. you claim to 'want out' yet you obviously want to reap the benefits of this marriage, which is why you're trying to fix the problems. you have a lot to gain if you marry this man; he has a lot to lose by marrying you. so, yeah, something tells me you're waiting around for a marriage, and he's the one not pushing the issue because after 11 years, he knows you're not going anywhere. if he was the one waiting around for you, he would fixing all these problems and saying "plan the wedding." he's not doing any of those things. it's obvious that it's all you at this point. for your own sanity and happiness, it's best you move on.
Author Phoenix11 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 you don't seem to be understanding that i meant nothing as humour. i don't know why you keep going on and on about "humour" over the internet when there should be nothing funny about any of this to you. i am pretty positive it's not the other way around (regarding your comment about your 'marriage') because if it was that way, you would just leave instead of putting up with all of these issues and trying to work it out. you obviously want to reap the benefits of this marriage, which is why you're trying to fix the problems. you have a lot to gain if you marry this man; he has a lot to lose by marrying you. so, yea, something tells me you're waiting around for a marriage, and he's the one not pushing the issue because after 11 years, he knows you're not going anywhere. if he was the one waiting around for you, he would fixing all these problems and saying "plan the wedding." he's not doing any of those things. it's obvious that it's all you at this point. for your own sanity and happiness, it's best you move on. Ok...if not an attempt at humor, then you are just being down right rude. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and thinking you were a decent person and offering some useful advice. Not!
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Ok...if not an attempt at humor, then you are just being down right rude. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and thinking you were a decent person and offering some useful advice. Not! you really seem pretty immature, so i can see why you think the way you do. it is useful advice, you're just not getting it--and you won't take it. so what is it you want from being here? you want everyone to say you're right and and your bf/fiance is mean and should be doing whatever you say? fine. you're right, and your whatever-he-is is mean and should be doing whatever you say. there you go.
Sun_Conure Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Some of the replies here are killing me! I would be reluctant to interfere in my fiance's/bf's/friends' family matters. People are often defensive on that subject. Moreover, although it's a great idea to fix someone else's life, should we do that? If your fiance has different priorities then you do, if he is not respectful to your interests, then probably it's not a bad idea too break up with him.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 I would be reluctant to interfere in my fiance's/bf's/friends' family matters. People are often defensive on that subject. Moreover, although it's a great idea to fix someone else's life, should we do that? If your fiance has different priorities then you do, if he is not respectful to your interests, then probably it's not a bad idea too break up with him. good answer. too bad it will fall on deaf ears, but i think you're quite right.
Sun_Conure Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 KenzieAbsolutely, I think the Phoenix11 understands that. She actually stated the same thing in her first post. I do not know about you, but I am not going to fix another person. If he has issues with his family, those are his problems. If he cannot handle his kid, that's his problem as well. Phoenix11 is not a mother of the child and does not want to pretend to be one. What's wrong with that? Moreover, the child is 17 years old. Why she is supposed to assume responsibility for the child? Just because she loves the kid's father does not make her responsible for the child.
michelangelo Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 If the OP is alone in her own house with a minor who is boozing it up, and she knows about it, she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If there were to be an injury or worse, she would be at risk for legal problems. So intervening is in her own best interests.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 29, 2007 Posted November 29, 2007 If the OP is alone in her own house with a minor who is boozing it up, and she knows about it, she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If there were to be an injury or worse, she would be at risk for legal problems. So intervening is in her own best interests. but she's trying to intervene and nothing is happening. the father doesn't seem to be doing much either. short of reporting the wrong-doings to the police, there isn't much else she can do but get herself out of a situation that she has already said she feels no responsibility for, but is being obligated to deal with.
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