Where am I now.....

[chasingrainbows25]

Just thought I'd take a few mins this morning to put down on paper (font on screen) a little bit about my story and where I am now.

 

12 months ago, I met this wonderful MM. We became friends and we'd spend a lot of time together just chatting and talking about all sorts of stuff. I knew he was in a loveless marriage and the one thing that I liked about him was his vulnerability and the fact that he ached to be loved. As you can imagine that love grew between us as he is a very special man. At the very beginning i layed my cards on the table and said that as a single woman I could not go against my beliefs and enter into a relationship with a MM. He respected this for a while but at some point, 6 months into our friendship my barriers came down. We started dating and it was an amazing turning point in our relationship. I dont think I've ever been as happy as I was then. We spent weekends away in Paris and other lovely places. We spent lovely days at home (my house) and away in some nice hotels. We shared our work days and our passion for other things that we had in common. It was a beautiful time.

 

About 4 months into our relationship things started to go a bit strange. As you could imagine I started to get all grumpy about little things. His wife would call, while he was with me, regarding the kids (grown adults) and it annoyed me, he would tell me that he had a family party to attend and it would annoy me. The fact that he was married was the thing that made me mad, it was they way he just took these calls and made these statements without any discretion. This was frustrating because the brilliance of this relationship was being tarnished by the slow creeping realisation that this man was infact spoken for and could never fully be mine.

 

He told his wife about us and they had a bit heart to heart and I think that was when the floodgates opened. She was suddenly there all the time. Her presence in our relationship increased, her phone calls/txts to him increased and she made things a little bit awkward at home for him.

She doesnt want him as a friend, lover or indeed husband but she doesnt want to lose her lifestyle, house, pretence that her perfect little world is broken.

 

So I took the bull by the horns and sat him down and very tearfully told him that it had to end. He wasnt being fair on me and I deserved more. That he never should have persued me or started this. It was brutal, heartbreaking, tearful on both parts and so very very sad. He left that evening

 

2 weeks on, I've had a few txts from him and then last Thursday we spoke on the phone. Now here's where the real problem starts.

 

I love this man dearly and do not want to lose contact with him but I cant be just friends. He has stated that he doesnt want to lose contact either but is very very keen to remain friends. We're at a deadlock with him saying that he wont hurt me like that again by becoming involved while his home situation is still the same. I've said that I dont want to be friends, I have friends, I dont need any more but I do need the man that I love by my side.

 

I am very close to full NC as I simply cannot be just friends. I've just sent him a txt saying, have dinner with me tomorrow night, and I'll wait and see what the outcome is.

 

I'm not ready to let go because I believe there is still hope however I need to find the strength to be prepared to walk away.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

And having dinner with him will help you be prepared to walk away.....how?

[frannie]

I took the bull by the horns and sat him down and very tearfully told him that it had to end. He wasnt being fair on me and I deserved more. That he never should have persued me or started this. It was brutal, heartbreaking, tearful on both parts and so very very sad. He left that evening.

 

I love this man dearly and do not want to lose contact with him but I cant be just friends. He has stated that he doesnt want to lose contact either but is very very keen to remain friends. We're at a deadlock with him saying that he wont hurt me like that again by becoming involved while his home situation is still the same. I've said that I dont want to be friends, I have friends, I dont need any more but I do need the man that I love by my side.

 

I am very close to full NC as I simply cannot be just friends. I've just sent him a txt saying, have dinner with me tomorrow night, and I'll wait and see what the outcome is.

 

I'm not ready to let go because I believe there is still hope however I need to find the strength to be prepared to walk away.

 

It is a very difficult position, CR. I'm in a similar one myself. I've ended what I consider to be the affair, by not seeing him any longer, and only speaking on the phone if he has anything new to say about his situation, any updates, or anything he wants to discuss about his counselling. So, not NC, and not 'friends'. But contact for long enough that I can see what direction this is taking. And if it's taking no direction at all, all 'hope' can end, and we can stop talking altogether.

 

I have no idea whether that will work as an approach. However, I've gone total NC with him before, and it certainly did NOT kill hope. So my thinking is that when I can see nothing changing, this time, I can end it and not keep looking back.

 

I wonder if something similar might work for you? You've told him that there will be no more affair... is he saying he is going to be leaving? Or is he 'thinking about it'? I think that while a man is thinking about it, its probably best not to be very involved. Says she, after 3.5 years of madness.

 

Welcome to the board, anyway

[child_of_isis]

He disrespected you. He didn't care what you wanted, what he wanted was more important.

 

And it will be you that pays the price. He will go back to his marriage and wife...his family.

 

You will suffer alone, while he finds comfort in his home, W and family.

 

He will continue to break down your barriers and have you accept the fact that he is married, is not ever leaving, and if you are to be with him, it will be on his terms... as a married man.

 

It's pretty textbook.

 

"At the very beginning i layed my cards on the table and said that as a single woman I could not go against my beliefs and enter into a relationship with a MM. He respected this for a while but at some point, 6 months into our friendship my barriers came down."

[noforgiveness]

wow Frannie you finally did it!! Good fo you.

I don't want to thread jack but I would love to hear your ending as I'm sure many would. Would you start a new thread? I'm really happy for you. You will finally have your answer.

[overandout]

It is a very difficult position, CR. I'm in a similar one myself. I've ended what I consider to be the affair, by not seeing him any longer, and only speaking on the phone if he has anything new to say about his situation, any updates, or anything he wants to discuss about his counselling. So, not NC, and not 'friends'. But contact for long enough that I can see what direction this is taking. And if it's taking no direction at all, all 'hope' can end, and we can stop talking altogether.

 

I have no idea whether that will work as an approach. However, I've gone total NC with him before, and it certainly did NOT kill hope. So my thinking is that when I can see nothing changing, this time, I can end it and not keep looking back.

 

I wonder if something similar might work for you? You've told him that there will be no more affair... is he saying he is going to be leaving? Or is he 'thinking about it'? I think that while a man is thinking about it, its probably best not to be very involved. Says she, after 3.5 years of madness.

 

Welcome to the board, anyway

 

 

I am pleased that you have done this Frannie.

I knew you were not really "happy" and glad that you have done this. I know it is not an easy decision even if others can see that it is the best course of action for you.

This is not a t/j and I doubt you want to comment further so I am not replying on your Happy Other Woman.. etc thread.

Also, no doubt your xmm still reads this forum....

All the best.

[frannie]

wow Frannie you finally did it!! Good fo you.

I don't want to thread jack but I would love to hear your ending as I'm sure many would. Would you start a new thread? I'm really happy for you. You will finally have your answer.

 

Thanks NF

 

I will certainly start a new thread if there's anything to report. Currently there is nothing else to say that hasn't already been said here.

 

As I've always said on the forum, I was fine with continuing to see him as long as I could be happy with things as they stood. Also, that it was inevitable that as with most affairs, things reach their natural conclusion. And I suppose this is it, given that I no longer see a point in spending time with him as things stand.

 

Thanks again for the good wishes, and I'll post again about me if there are updates.

[overandout]

wow Frannie you finally did it!! Good fo you.

I don't want to thread jack but I would love to hear your ending as I'm sure many would. Would you start a new thread? I'm really happy for you. You will finally have your answer.

 

 

 

She already has her answer I think.

He was just a user and it took a few home truths for her to wake up and smell the coffee.

[GreenEyedLady]

She already has her answer I think.

He was just a user and it took a few home truths for her to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

Why are you such a stalker?! Leave Frannie alone already!!!

[head.heart& hand]

 

Hi CR. I respect the second part your mm' said yet it appears contradictory in relation to his previous statement. He's saying its wrong to stay involved with you while he's married, yet he wants to remain friends.

Remaining friends is staying involved, --and its intimate and loving, even if in conversation only. He's saying he wants to do what’s right for you yet at the same time urging you to stay connected. If you’re uncomfortable being in an affair, you’ll still be in one as friends. For me, It would be impossible to separate the friendship, from the lover, from the confidant, etc… the relationship is too interconnected. It appears the situation will remain unhealthy for you unless you do the hard work sooner than later. Why not sooner?

 

Given your time together and the depth of your feelings, it seems like the perfect time to draw a line and go NC. I read ( and always enjoy) Frannie's post(s), and really hope this works for her, yet it doesn't seem like this is the best route for you--what do you think?

 

I know hard hard this is--the feeling of emptiness and loss in missing someone you love. I can really empthasize with your situation. My best to you.

[head.heart& hand]

Dear CR,

 

Your post also reminded me of the following, perhaps you've seen it before:

 

I do all right

alone,

and better together,

but I do very poorly

when semi-

together.

 

In solitude

I do much,

in love

I do more,

but

in doubt

I only transfer

pain to paper

in gigantic Passion Plays

complete with miracles and martyrs

and crucifixions and resurrections.

 

Come to stay

or

stay away.

[frannie]

Given your time together and the depth of your feelings, it seems like the perfect time to draw a line and go NC. I read ( and always enjoy) Frannie's post(s), and really hope this works for her, yet it doesn't seem like this is the best route for you--what do you think?

 

Thanks HH&H.

 

I'd love to know what happened at the dinner CR was proposing... any updates..? I think it's important to know exactly what he's saying... if he's still 'thinking' about what he wants to do, or has made a decision and is actually beginning to act.

 

Just to point out that CR's MM has told his wife about CR, and that there is a suggestion that CR's W, 'doesn't want him as a husband'. Added to that the children are adults. So... it's not exactly the usual story.

 

However, I would suggest, go the hardest line you can without completely ruining any chance of further development, and avoiding agonising 'hope'. Whatever that is. Also... if you find out what it is, can you let me know..?

[overandout]

Why are you such a stalker?! Leave Frannie alone already!!!

 

 

Oh so sweet GEL sticking up for Frannie as ever.

 

I was making overtures to her months ago that he he was probably using her and she tried to convince herelf and others that she was HAPPY.

Didn't last long did it?

So is she is so happy why has she ended the affair UNLESS he has "something to say".

Probably not going to happen is it? Him leaving I mean.

 

I am not that interested in you as you seem to have things sorted--you have a good mm--apart from him lying to you apbout his marital status, but still you have forgiven him and put that behind you:o

 

All you can come up with is the stalking argument rather than wishing Frannie well, unless she goes back to him, in which case his regard for her will hit rock bottom imo.

[overandout]

Thanks HH&H.

 

I'd love to know what happened at the dinner CR was proposing... any updates..? I think it's important to know exactly what he's saying... if he's still 'thinking' about what he wants to do, or has made a decision and is actually beginning to act.

 

Just to point out that CR's MM has told his wife about CR, and that there is a suggestion that CR's W, 'doesn't want him as a husband'. Added to that the children are adults. So... it's not exactly the usual story.

 

However, I would suggest, go the hardest line you can without completely ruining any chance of further development, and avoiding agonising 'hope'. Whatever that is. Also... if you find out what it is, can you let me know..?

 

 

Frannie,

Please stop living your dream through other peoples'.

If your mm wants to be with you, he will take steps to be with you.

He knows that you love him but if he does nothing, then you will know that your love was not reciprocated.

 

Now you are entering the realms of what might happen post ending the affair--the answer is probably a big fat NOTHING from him.

Stop giving yourself false hope.

 

Get on with your life, he certainly is (counselling) and you have at last realised that being a bit on the side is not that much fun UNLESS you remain emotionally aloof.