Rayofsunshine Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Well it has been 5 months since the break up and again I thought I was doing good. I was going out with friends and trying to focus on me and get my life back in order. Now it all just comes back, the pain and hurt. See I found out that my ex is interested in someone and wants to be in a relationship with that person. Why does it bother me? I knew that this would happen someday. I know that I shouldn't care. He has done a lot of things to me, put me in 40,000 worth of debt, lowered my self esteem, turned me into a person that I never thought I could be. I guess it just hurts because he walked away with no problems, his parents paid off all of his debt and life is just fine with him. I guess I resent him for what he did to me and this is just one more thing, he's happy! So know I sit here on a Monday night not being able to sleep again and crying my eyes out. I just don't know what to do anymore.
AriaIncognito Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I hurts because you loved this person and envisioned a life together and now that isn't happening. I totally understand where you are coming from. My ex went right from me to the next, and it's bothered me ever since. I dont even know if he stayed with her, is with someone now, etc and it's been what, almost 6 months. Just knowing that he could be "happy" while I'm still wondering about what could have been is definitely agony enough. I think those of us that love this deeply and truly, once we get past all the hurt, will move on and see exactly why all these relationships didn't work out. Until then, keep posting, and try to stay strong. I know it's hard, one day at a time, that's all we can do.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Cheer up ray...I know it hurts. I dread the day my ex g/f starts a new relationship. My ex did the same thing, walked away, relying on family and she's happy too. It kills me because I'm left here alone staring at 4 walls, the dog and tons of memories. You deserve better and that day will come. Most of us are hoping that day comes sooner than later. I am trying to do the same things you are, going out, etc., but sometimes it doesn't work as well as we would like it to. It'll get better, it truly will. We have to believe that to move forward. I'm not a pitchman for books but regardless of what people think, I bought Joel Osteen's audio books and it's soothing, motivational, and hopeful. I've related to many situations in his books and he makes you think. We need to be thankful for what we have, not to dwell on what we don't have. Simple concept, hard to do. Good luck and I hope you get through this very quick.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 ariawoman's quote - I think those of us that love this deeply and truly, once we get past all the hurt, will move on and see exactly why all these relationships didn't work out. I couldn't agree more...it just takes time to get there
Author Rayofsunshine Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Thank you both for your kind words. "I think those of us that love this deeply and truly, once we get past all the hurt, will move on and see exactly why all these relationships didn't work out." Ariawoman that is so true, like SYRACUSE03 said it will just take time for me to get there. The sad thing was, I thought I was there. I felt like I went through the steps the hurt, the anger, realizing that he really wasn't the one that I though he was. It is amazing to really see how a person really is when debt or a major problem happens in the relationship. To me there are two choices run and hide or figure it through together. Well the ex took the first option and I guess I still resent him for that. Hopefully this feeling will subside and I will be able to move on. I feel like with me feeling this way he still has some control over me. I also need to really cut the ties with his mother. She calls me all the time, we were close and she loves my son like he was her own grandchild. it's going to be hard after 10 years but I don't think it is doing me any good.
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 You have to let go of the resentment...that's the first thing. It releases you and helps you move forward, wherever that takes you. I'm still working on it everyday. Good Luck!
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I could have written most of what you said myself, I am 5months down the line. I have resentment for my ex, because I invested so much infact too much of myself into a relationship that was never going to work because he was on the rebound I just didn't realise it until after. I nearly lost myself, my sanity, my life. 5 months on I still cry and still get sad. However I have alot of fun too and am slowly getting over it and working on moving on totally. As well as recovering from depression which is still tough. I know how you feel, little comfort I know but know you are not alone in how you think or feel.
Author Rayofsunshine Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 SYRACUSE03, Thanks again for your advice. I am trying to get through the resentment because I know it is only hurting me and preventing me from moving on. there are days when that resentment is gone and then days like yesterday that just bring it all on. bigheartkindsoul, It's nice to know that there are others out there who are experiencing the same feelings, although the reason why sucks! I too have felt like I gave more in the relationship then my ex did. The sad thing about it was that I did it for 10 looong years. He always keep that little glimmer of hope open for me that one day we woud be married, etc. We made significant strides in our relationship iover that past 5 years, we got a house, lived together for 2 1/2 years and yes he actually bought the ring. It drives me crazy to know that he can forget I even existed and that he can hate me that much. (To know the full story you would have to go back and read old posts, it's too much to explain). As SYRACUSE03 said we have to let go of the resentment we have, I'm not sure how but we need to do it for us.
Itsjustme55 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Hi Ray, I hear ya..hang in there..I am feeling the same way your feeling..except that I was just dating for 2 years. It hurts alot, I managed to find comfort in writting down my feelings and expressing myself in it as if I am talking directly to him. Just for the sake of comfort. Lately I cry my eyes out and cant sleep much especially since he has been dating. IT hurts I hear ya..hang in there..its going to get better. As far as the 40,000 in debt tell his parents see if they can pay off the debt he stuck you with....I'll pray for you..
Crestfallen_KH Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I read a good quote once, and I think it's so true. Maybe it will help: "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." - Malachy McCourt When you hold on to resentment, it only harms you - physically, mentally and emotionally. It's another unhealthy way to stay binded to the relationship, in some way, but it's completely self-destructive. I know how hard it is to just "let go" of the resentment, but it doesn't happen all at once. Even believing what I do, I'd still be lying if I didn't say I resented my husband cheating on me and moving in with his affair partner right after I moved out, but I know resenting them gets ME nothing. So it's lessening with each passing day. Letting go of resentment is just another part of the healing process, and that process occurs in steps that often don't even seem measurable.
Surfer Girl Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Perhaps we assume all his happy with the ex.... When we really don't know for sure.... After 10 years of history together... that does not go away over night.... It might be better to think about what we can do to make ourselves more happy instead of focusing on analyzing whether they are happy or NOT.... It is common to imagine once ex is in a new relationship that we become jealous and conjure thoughts of their happiness and why we are so alone.... Perhaps we are alone because we realize know it is in our best interest to not involve ourselves with someone else until we are over the ex.....
SYRACUSE03 Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Rayofsunshine - to me releasing the resentment does not meaning to "let go". That will come in time, everyone is different. First, stop bashing yourself. Forgive him for his imperfections and know that you came into his life for a reason. Once you realize that, then you can focus on what you want. As much as we want to, we can't change other people. I agree with surfer...we just don't know "from the outside looking in" if our ex is happy. Be happy for him. I think of it this way...do I want my ex g/f to be abused, hurt, etc.? Of course not. Do I want her to be in love with another man...no. What choice do I have? God only knows that I wish her to be safe and happy. We will get through this...every last one of us. We should focus our energy on what we can control, not what we can't and unfortunately, we are all guilty of it.
Author Rayofsunshine Posted November 28, 2007 Author Posted November 28, 2007 Thank you everybody for all your words of wisdom. Surfer Girl, You bring up an interesting point about my ex. It's hard to say with him, he is the type of person who does not deal with things he sweeps them up the carpet and forgets them. He's favorite saying is "it is what it is, nothing is forever". He has said that he is bitter towards me although he doesn't really pinpoint what he is bitter about. I would like to think that after 10 years together that he would have some sort of feeling, etc. I need to take your advice and start thinking about me and my happiness. SYRACUSE03, You are right, I control me and that is what I need to focus on, not things that I can't control. You are right we are all in this together and day by day we will get through it an make it. Crestfallen_KH, Thank you for the quote, I have copied it and put it on my mirror so I can look at it every morning, sort of start the day off right. Itsjustme55, I wish that I could ask his parents to help payoff the debt, it would make life easier. They know about it but there is nothing that they are going to do. Thanks for the prayers, they help! Thank You again to everybody, we will all get through this difficult time together! I guess this is the next step in the whole healing process.
brothermartin Posted November 28, 2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Right now, I would say RESENTMENT is my middle name. I spent ThanksGiving here with a couple of friends, two dogs, and ticks. She went out of town with her family, away from work, and I'm sure had a great time. Who knows what Christmas will hold! On top of that, my birthday is next month! And I'll probably still be stuck here! Whoopie f**king doo!
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