I Really Feel the Need to Tell Off my Ex

[ncpd25]

Hi All,

 

My gf dumped me about 9 weeks ago. The whole "stopped on a dime" and changed her mind about me. She claimed she needed to work through issues with her ex boyfriend. She lied to me about when she broke up with him. I later found out that she lied about being divorced (I found that out after we split up). Seems most everything she said to me seemed to be a lie.

 

I've gone through the usual motions with respect to feelings etc...Asking myself why it happened, beat myself up, was sad, angry, hurt etc...

 

I haven't had ANY contact with her since the break-up. I'm trying to get over the hump and be done with this entire ordeal. The one thing that seems to be eating at me is I get really ticked off that she told me lie after lie yet, she always came across a a sweet, sincere, genuine person (perhaps a game she plays, either that or she has multiple personalities!!). She not only lied to me about her divorce, she told all of her co-workers etc.. the same thing. Se told me she was divorced for 4 years. I later found out, she was still going to court when we were together. Her divorce was finalized 8/22/07!!

 

I would NEVER get back with her. I know I'd never trust her ever again. She can lie to somebody else. The odd thing is, I have this profound desire to send her an email to just let her know that I'm aware of her all of her lies, including her divorce. That and to let her know what I think about her and her lack of integrity.

 

Of course, I realize I should just let it go and move on but, that's where I seem to be getting stuck. I know she probably isn't worth the aggravation, but it just keeps gnawing at me. I've thought of the variable things that could occur:

 

No response: Fine, I just want her to know that she's a lying piece of trash

 

Nasty Response: It would annoy me if she decided to be condescending when she's the lowlife.

 

She tells me to leave her alone: That would be a hoot given the fact, she claims she still cared about me (yeah right) and she was sorry for hurting me etc...

 

I'm not looking to get a rise out of her, just want her to know all about her deceitful ways. Yes, I wouldn't mind if she felt like a piece of garbage compulsive liar.

 

I don't know if I hit all of the possible scenarios or not. Of course, I can't be 100% certain of how I would feel. I know I'm not looking for any sort of reconciliation.

 

I know if I could get past the feeling of her "getting over on me", I would probably abandoned the idea of sending the email. The thing is, I'm finding it difficult to get past that roadblock. Not sure if I'm being an immature idiot or not. I know how I feel though.

 

Any advice would be fantastical (and goodly).

[SYRACUSE03]

NCPD...my advice is not to do it. Let it go. You are just setting yourself up for a battle. You may win the battle but lose the war. And guess who deals with the after effects...you. I understand the "stop on a dime" thing because it happened to me (in 2002). The more I wanted to tell her off, the more aggravated I became. I did not have all the baggage that you are dealing with. If you never want to get back with her, why spend the emotional effort? ITS NOT WORTH IT! You deserve better and focus your energy on the bringing better things into your life. I'm trying to do that now and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.

[norajane]

If you didn't know about all her lies when she broke up with you and you found out about them later, you never got a chance to address the crap she dished out to you to suit herself. I can totally understand how you'd be feeling like you'd want her to know that you now see her for what she really is and she can go stuff herself.

 

If you think it will help you move on to make her aware that you have no respect for her because she has an appalling lack of integrity, then do it. Why should she be spared the consequences of her behavior?

 

As long as you really mean it when you say you don't care if she doesn't reply, and you're not looking for any kind of reconciliation, it can be very therapeutic to have your say.

 

If you already knew about all the lies when she broke up with you, and already had your say, then you're just beating a dead horse and need to move on.

[ncpd25]

Syracuse/Norajane,

 

Thanks for the responses. In response to your posts, I agree with you Syracuse about feeling aggravated. The more I think about, the more aggravated I get as well. If I knew of a way to get past it, I would but, I seem to be getting hung up on it all the time. As much as I try to change my thinking etc...it's always there. The whole reason, I've hesitated in sending an email is because, I don't want to give her a reason to make me out to be a bad guy. I figure, she's the one that walked away, let her remain the loser. If I cop an attitude or send a strongly worded email, she can say..."He's such a loser". I really shouldn't care though, It's not about her anymore.

 

There is no way I would ever reconsider getting back with her nor would I want a reply from her. The last thing I want to do is have any contact with her. Norajane is right, I have a strong desire to just let her know what I found out, throw it in her face, so to speak, and let her know that she's a lowlife deceitful pig. She always came across as an innocent sweet person that wouldn't hurt a fly. She would always tell me, "I always look past people's negatives and always focus on their good qualities". Evidently, she hasn't looked at herself lately.

 

I feel she more or less moved on and feels she is free of any guilt, no questions asked. And yes, I found out about her divorce after she walked away. She told me she got divorced 4 years ago and started dating her boyfriend immediately after she seperated from her husband. She initially told me she broke up with her boyfriend 7 months before meeting me. I knew about that part. She broke up with him about 2 weeks before meeting me.

 

The thing that really got me, was she was still going to court for her divorce while we were dating. I had no idea. Her husband filed against her in June 2006. She told me, she divorced him due to him cheating on her.

 

I found it odd that she was with her boyfriend immediately after she seperated. The other odd thing was, her boyfriend's wife filed for divorce against him for cheating on her. I think my ex tried to make her husband look like the badguy, but, she most likely cheated on him and he divorced her.

 

I don't know, I really believe she is worried about how people perceive her. I now realize, she tries hard to portray a spotless image for herself. I think it would be theraputic for me to throw it in her face and let her think, she is a lowlife and she didn't get away with being a flat out liar this time.

 

Part of me thinks "Don't steep so low, get past it and move on". I have a feeling if I told her off and she knew what I found out, I would feel better and then, be able to move on. I guess I'm on the fence with it....

[ncpd25]

Well, I decided to sit down last night and type an email. I haven't sent it. I saved it as a draft. I'll read it a few times and make any changes that I see necessary.

 

I have no intentions of cursing her out in the email. I just want to get my point across and let her know that by showing her true colors, she's doesn't paint a positive picture of herself. Once I make sure, it's O.K., I'll wait a couple of days to make sure I really want to send it.

 

Anyone else out there have any other comments, opinions etc.. I could really use the insight from people in order to confirm or abandoned my decision.

 

Thanks All..

[Leia]

If getting the point across is all that you want then go ahead and send it. I can't say it's a good idea but it's your call at the end of the day. I'm very sure she knows the type of person she is, all the lies she has told you and her colleagues - she's aware of it and trust me, it's eating her up as well. My ex is exactly like yours, the lies he told me and some other friends of ours - he's all alone now because everyone knows what a lying piece of $hit he is.

[ncpd25]

Hi Leia,

 

It's been really strange. Ever since I found all of this stuff out, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I tried every which way, but, it's in the back of mind. I told myself, I need to rise above it and move on but.....

 

I defintiely have no intentions of ever speaking with her or reconciling. I'd be a wingnut, if I did that. As I said in my previous post, I didn't write the email and call her every name in the book, I was honest though. I simply told her what I thought of her actions and that shed lied to me, her co-workers and even herself. I said a little more than that of course.

 

I truly don't even want a response from her. As a matter of fact, I blocked her from my email and my phones and I told her that in the email I typed to her. I just want her to know what she's all about and how much of a disappointment she was.

 

I'm certain that once I complete the email, I'll sit on it for a few days and ride it out to see if I have a change of heart. Who knows, maybe I just needed to put it on paper instead of letting all of these thoughts rifle around in my head.

 

I still think if I send it, I'll feel released and I think I'll be able to move on....I think. I'm confident there will never be another chance for her and I.

 

Thanks for you insight!!

[amaysngrace]

My exH sounds a lot like your ex. I never told him what a piece of crap I think he is. I just left him alone. He knows I think he's a piece of crap because once I left him and he hooked up with someone else, I never tried to get him back. Not at all. And when he decided to get married to this new one I was probably one of the first ones he told. I guess he was looking for an ego boost or something. For me to fight for him. Instead I only expressed my sympathy for the new girl.

 

I don't think he liked it very much that I really didn't have a bigger reaction to his news.

 

I like to think that no response is the best response. It sends a very loud and clear message.

 

And I also think it helps you actually begin caring less when you act like you do.

[ncpd25]

Hey Grace,

 

I understand what your saying. I don't know what my problem is. I mean I had no problem with the NC. I never even thought of calling her. When I found this stuff out, I just really felt as if she needed to know what I found out about her. Probably for no other reason thsan to satisfy myself.

 

I guess when you really don't know where they're at, it's an uneasy feeling. Of course I'm sitting back thinking, she's moved on, not a care in the world and I don't even cross her mind. I feel as if she thinks she hoodwinked me and she was real sly and got over on me.

 

Maybe that's just the way I'm wired. Deep down, I know I should let it go but, it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Maybe it's my N.Y. cop attitude (Long Island). I was never an idiot cop with a chip on my shoulder but, being an ex-cop, ex parole officer and now a fraud investigator, I think I take it personally if someone slides past me. Sounds juvenile, I know. I just want to get past this and move on and I'm not sure how to do it. I really shouldn't care what she thinks or how she feels.

 

I see your from the Jersey Shore. It's kind of funny, my ex is a Jersey Girl

 

Thanks for your post!!

[amaysngrace]

Wow...she totally blindsided you. And you have skills. No wonder you feel angry.

 

But are you really more mad at yourself?

[SYRACUSE03]

I think you really do care more than you led on which is normal. No matter what someone does to us, says to us or acts, we still may love them. The reason why you had no problem with NC is because she upset you and you began to reject her because of what she has done. Now that time has passed, you have some unanswered questions like we all have.

 

Your personality is a lot like mine. You are persistent and stubborn. It's not bad but we tend to bash our heads into the wall even though we know it hurts and it serves no purpose. From what I read, I think that you are looking for her to respond if you sent the e-mail or you wouldn't be puttting this much thought into it.

 

You said, "Of course I'm sitting back thinking, she's moved on, not a care in the world and I don't even cross her mind." Most of us feel the same way regardless of our individual situations. Hey, I truly hope my ex sits around every once in awhile and thinks about me but one can only think. Good Luck!

[amaysngrace]

The thing is she won't care. If someone cares so little to be dishonest do you really think that they will care that they hurt you?

 

She won't just wake up and see what she's lost. And feel bad about herself. She doesn't have the capacity to feel bad about what she does. If she did she wouldn't do it in the first place.

 

Getting angry is okay. It's a very critical part of healing. You have to get mad before you can let it go.

 

But contacting her is just going to set yourself up for more drama. More anxiety. More bad feelings. You'll give away all your power on waiting for her reply.

 

That's why I say no response is the best response. You're in control.

[SYRACUSE03]

Well said amaysngrace!

 

"She won't just wake up and see what she's lost. And feel bad about herself. She doesn't have the capacity to feel bad about what she does. If she did she wouldn't do it in the first place."

 

I wish your above statement weren't so true.

[serendip]

No point dude

 

been there done that....made me feel worse b/c it just creates drama

 

you are hurting and you want her to hurt....but ask yourself this question....will it solve anything

[ncpd25]

Thanks Guys,

 

In response to Grace's previous post, I don't think I'm mad at myself for her fooling me. When I worked law enforcement and even as an insurance fraud investigator, if I was dealing with a criminal, I always look for certain things. With her, I felt I could trust her. I never took my job home with me and didn't feel I should question somebody's actions or words who I truly care about. Of course, if things were realy odd, that would send a red flag up but, I guess she was really good at lying. She always seemed to have a good answer.

 

You're right Syracuse, I guess I am stubborn to a certain extent. When she and I broke up, I felt strong and wanted to move on and put all of it behind me. When I found about all the lies she told me, I still tried to get past it and continue to move forward. As time progressed, I was finding that my feelings about her lies was just as strong when I first found out. I kept trying to shake it but, couldn't. It was at that point that I began to think I could get some final closure by letting her know what I found out.

 

Granted, it wouldn't accomplish anything other than me possibly being able to move forward with a clearer head. I don't know if there's an underlying thought process going through my head or not. I know I don't want a response from her. I blocked her on all of my email accounts as well as my phones and I have no intentions of removing the blocks. And don't ask me why but I think the reason I want to send the email is to belittle her (at least try to). Sounds pretty petty, I know.

 

Even when I typed the email and saved it, I told myself "Don't send it". Then a while later, I became annoyed again and re-read the email and thought I should send it. I guess I'm a bit of a scatterbrain. One thing is certain, I definitely will not send it unless I'm 100% certain I want to do it.

 

That's what prompted me to start this thread. I felt if I could get some insight, maybe I'be able to have a better understanding and then, I'd be able to make an "informed decision".

 

I do realize that her receiving it will most likely not make a difference to her. I guess I'm sort of hung up her image of being sincere eventhough I know, that isn't the real her. Usually I'm pretty certain of my actions, I always had to be, but, I have some sort of hang-up here that I can't seem to shake

[Leia]

Even when I typed the email and saved it, I told myself "Don't send it". Then a while later, I became annoyed again and re-read the email and thought I should send it. I guess I'm a bit of a scatterbrain. One thing is certain, I definitely will not send it unless I'm 100% certain I want to do it.

 

Give it a few days. You'll have a clearer head then... you're still upset about your discovery of her lies and it's probably clouding your mind right now.

[ncpd25]

Hey serendip,

 

I don't think it weill solve anything between her and I. I realize that's over and there's no returning to it. If there's anything it could possibly solve, I would think it would be my disposition and my ability to move forward. I really have no intentions of resolving anything with her. I don't want to be with her. I know there is o way I could never trust her. That, I'm certain of.

 

As I said, I really am going back and forth with myself. I wish I could draw a definitive solution to how I'm feeling. Something I can accept and move on. I previously tried to shake it off several times with no success. It's a little unusual as I'm pretty strong willed and would think I should be able to do this and leave it in a cloud of dust. No looking back in the rearview mirror....

[norajane]

Liars are conflict avoiders. They tell lies so they don't have to deal with the consequences of owning up to the truth, so they can have things their own way, the easy way, without facing up to the reality of their actions and who they are. They lie to make themselves look better, they lie to protect themselves from other people's anger or loss of respect, they lie to get their own way without the hard work that honesty requires.

 

Liars are like children who have learned they can get away with all kinds of crap as long as they are good enough liars that their parents don't catch them at it.

 

Personally, I don't believe they should just get away with it scot-free when they deceive someone with their lies. If they experience no consequences from telling lies, they will keep telling them...why not? At the very least, they should be forced to deal with the conflict their lies create - why should they get to scurry off into their corner without ever having to face the person they lied to? Why shouldn't they be told exactly what kind of damage their deception has caused? Why shouldn't the person who was lied to at least have the opportunity to express their loss of respect and their anger at being deceived by someone who purported to love them?

 

nc, I'd wait to send that email if I were you. Not because I believe you shouldn't send it, but because you will want to make sure you have expressed everything you want to express in exactly the way you want to express it, because it will be the last communication from you and you don't want to miss saying what you need to say. Be 100% sure you have said what you want to say before you send it.

[ncpd25]

Hi Leia,

 

I've been going through this for a few weeks now hoping that I would shake it off. When it continued to haunt me, I thought maybe an email would help me bring closure to it. I guess I'm at an crossroad with this whole thing.

[Leia]

Hi Leia,

 

I've been going through this for a few weeks now hoping that I would shake it off. When it continued to haunt me, I thought maybe an email would help me bring closure to it. I guess I'm at an crossroad with this whole thing.

 

Oh. I thought it was just a day or two.

 

Given time... MORE time... you will know what to do with the email. Just make sure you know it's the right thing to do and only if you will feel better after sending it. Maybe this is your way for 'closure'?

[ncpd25]

Thanks Nora/Leia,

 

I agree with you Nora with respect to her walking away thinking she dodged a bullet by me not "challenging her". As I said, I realize there's no chance for us, no future. That I understand and am clear about.

I guess I just want the opportunity to "set the record straight".

 

When I wrote the email, I knew I wasn't going to send it right away as I knew it was one shot deal, which is fine with me. And yes, I do want to make sure I say all I need to in the email. I have a feeling it will resolve these issues within me and I'll be able to put it behind me. I agree with syracuse with what he said, however, I personally don't think she'll really have much to say about what I write. She knows it's true. I'm hoping she feels some embarrasment about it and walks away with her tail between her legs. I realize, she can grasp at straws but, as I said before, her email and phones are blocked and I have no plans of unblocking them. I appreciate the insight and opinions.

 

I think I'll sit on it for a few days, look at the email several times and when I feel I said what needs to be said. Then I'll make the ultimate decision.

[too old for this]

I have been fighting with myself about sending an email to my ex, letting her know what a bitch I think she is for the way she treated me and how I finally figured out that she didn't have the capability to be in an itimate relationship. We went around for over 5 years and broke up twice in that time and got back together. This last time she unilaterally decided to break up. This was after she invited to a family reunion and I felt that nothing was wrong with our relationship.

 

I won't go into all the boring details of the whole story, but let's just say that after all this time I felt that I was completely disregarded, treated like **** and the best part of all she wanted to be friends, 5 minutes after the breakup.

 

It's been about 4 months of NC for me and lately I've had to really talk myself out of sending her that email, letting her know what I think of her.

Fortunately, I put it off and rethink it and then I don't send anything. I keep a diary of this breakup going and write all the stuff out and keep it in my computer. I know that I am definitely going through the anger part of the break-up at this point but I also know I have to sit with it.

 

I agree with Grace. Silence speaks so much louder. She doesn't deserve to hear from me. She even owes me money for taking care of her health insurance and she hasn't paid me. I won't even lower myself to ask her for it. The only contact I had was to give her my new address just in case she was ever going to send me the money. Not only did she owe me money, but she asked me to extend the health insurance for her, after she broke up with me. Amazing!!! I said no. I refuse to ever give her the upper hand in my life again. It's hard because looking back (after some time apart) I see what a fool I was. I'm more angry at myself then I am at her, but as I long as I don't contact her I feel that I am more powerful. It's weird but it's true.

 

Anyway, good luck to you

[SYRACUSE03]

After reading norajanes post, it actually made me think. She's definately on the money and I can relate to that theory even though my situation is different. I don't think that "liars" are the only people in this category. You can add immature, self centered, selfish, etc. in it's place. I don't believe that anyone should get away scot-free regardless of why they left (exceptions: abuse, etc). However, if you send the letter, it may backfire. Meaning, "See, this I why I can't be with him anymore". New people in her life don't know the background, only as much as she tells them and your e-mail may get some poor sap to feel sorry for your ex. Just my opinion. Good luck either way.

[ncpd25]

Too/ Syracuse,

 

I find myself in unchartered waters. Walking a fine line with my feelings on this whole thing. The odd thing is that I've thought about both sides of the coin, possible "repurcussions" and other variables that could come into play. The thing is when she left, she told me she had to deal with her baggage from her ex boyfriend. He stopped over her house the Sunday before she walked a way from me. When we were together, she told me, she broke up with him seven months before meeting me. I asked her about that as I didn't want to be a rebound etc..She knew exactly where I was coming from. It wasn't until later, that I learned that she broke up with him a week or two before meeting me. I'm fairly confident she ran back to her ex but, I don't know for sure. In the event, there is a "new sap", I guess he'll ending up learning the hard way (like I did).

 

That was just another instance where she lied to me. The thing that really got to me was, she knew I had no interest in being a rebound and she assurued me that would never happen. I didn't come across as unconfident or worried about it. I just made my position known. She ended up taking the thing I despised the most and doing it to me anyway. Then she had the audacity to tell me, she didn't intentionally hurt me.

 

Anyway, I can see all the points made in this thread. I see how no response/reaction or silence speaks volumes. Yet, I can also appreciate what you said Syracuse about her saying, "see, that's why I can't be with him". fact of the matter is, she'll know what the truth is, whether she admits it or not. That's what I was really interested in. Pinning her to the truth. As for whomever, she's with, who cares what they think. Ill never meet them, see them. Nor will I never speak with her again either.

 

So, as much as I can see the point of not giving her the satisfaction of giving her a piece of my mind and her claiming I'm an idiot. I feel at this point, that I would be the one to benefit from sending the email. I would know she was called out on all of her lies and deceit, I can move on and I highly doubt she's going to challenge me on it as she knows I'm right and she knows what the truth is.

 

Even the girl that cuts my hair (she set this whole thing up), her mother works for my ex. She was told she got divorced 4 years ago as well. When I mentioned her divorce was finalized in August and she was attending court dates while we were together, she was pi$$ed. She called her a few choice names. I think she was somewhat embarrassed for my ex showing her up and making her look foolish. I told this girl that cuts my hair, not to feel bad, She had good intentions and was lured into the lies as well. She isn't actually friends with her. More of an acquaintance through her Mom. So, my ex can even say what she wants to my hair person and her Mom, the fact of the matter is, they know what the truth is now. I think they'll begin to doubt what she says from now on. I don't believe my ex knows that they know what the truth is. She'd probably feel about 2 inches tall if she was aware that they know the truth.

 

My, what a tangled web we weave.............

[too old for this]

I think everyone has made very valid points on this thread. I guess my question is, if this girl is that deceitful do you really think that she's going to care about an email you send her? I guess what I'm trying to say is even if you don't want to see her or talk to her again, part of writing the email is to have an impact on her. Yet, you won't ever know if it did or didn't. I guess coming from my own experience there is a part of me that would love to get rid of my anger to her in an email, but on the other hand I would want to know if it had an impact on her or not. That's why I keep talking myself out of sending one.

 

The other thing is that I don't really think this girl is worth it from the sounds of things. As someone else pointed out she knows she's a liar already and I think she knows that you know too.