Mr. Mystery, what's his story?

[LoveLace]

Dan and I hung out twice last week including Thanksgiving night. That night was just a blast. I've known the guy for 2 years, and that night was the 1st time I felt a real connection with him. We've always had fun together, and the sex has always been the most intense chemistry I've ever felt. But he always had a habit of being inconsistent, going a month or 2 without calling, then would call out of the blue. I'd go off on him, then he'd hide out again. He always jokes that "7 out of 10 times we talk you are mad at me!"...but we'd make fun plans together, then he'd be MIA. Then, he was weirded out about my having a guy for a roommate, so we've gone a whole year without talking until now.

 

Dan always comes back - always. Even a year without talking, I somehow always knew he'd be back. He's 38, says he was engaged once, but will "never do that again"; however he's always acted as though he wants to find that special someone, and has always talked about how badly he wants a daughter one day...if I didn't know better I'd think he was a woman with a ticking biological clock. I don't know what happened with his Ex, but it was several years ago, and he's obviously commit-phobe.

 

When together Thanksgving night, it was as though we have been dating 2 years, only still in a honeymoon phase, constantly touching, kissing, looking into eachother's eyes, it felt so very natural; he's a total gentleman and pays for everything. We did karaokee and he sang a romantic song to me (ugh corny I know!). While laying in bed together later, he sord of out of-nowhere said he doesn't mean to be an #%^hole; I told him (and it's true) that all that matters is how much fun I have with him, and that I love being with him...he smiled and became very affectionate, held me in his arms. We were affectionate the entire evening, though. When I took him home, he kissed me twice before going in and in the past he wouldn't kiss me at all...it was quite evident to me that he felt the new connection too..

 

But I called him Saturday night; and he hasn't called back. Knowing him he'll call tonight, or in a week, or even a month. He's very much of a "free spirit" which I like; plus he works, plays golf and is a huge social butterfly. I know he isn't married, cuz he lives with his brother and I've been there many times. I'm now to the point where I just value time with him and value the way he treats me when we're together, so I just want to enjoy it and not push.

 

But doesn't it seem like there's more to the story? i guess maybe you'd have to know him to feel that way...it just seems like there's something mysterious about him...I can't figure out what it is! Is he afraid to fall in love?

[shadowplay]

He sounds like a typical commitment-phobe to me. Guys like this will often be super affectionate and romantic in the moment, but then not return your calls for days and bolt when asked to make any kind of commitment. He wants to keep you at arm's length and not let things deepen past a superficial level. He keeps disappearing because if he stuck around one of you might develop feelings for the other. By overdoing the affection when you're together he compensates for his lack of consistency and essentially keeps you on a string. I doubt he's going to change if he's 38 and flat out said he never wants to marry. Don't let yourself get hooked or mistake his easy affection for love.

 

It's like the absentee parent who takes his child out to the carnival every few months and acts super affectionate but then swiftly disappears -- leaving his child in despair -- until his next surprise visit. It's easy for somebody to act "loving" and fun when they're keeping you at arm's length and feel no sense of duty to you. Don't fall into the trap of intermittent reinforcement. Love is shown through consistency, not momentary intensity.

 

I get the sense from past posts that you're in the habit of attaching to men who are unavailable. It makes me wonder if you had an inconsistent or neglectful father. Did you?

[Jilly Bean]

His story is one of the following:

 

1 - you are merely a booty call

2 - he is dating many other women

 

Either way, he is not that interested. What he does, is blowtorch with you. Meaning, he will come on really strong, really interested, and then he's off doing that with someone else.

 

I have had a BT'er in my life for over 4 years. The guy is a total nut job. It took me about a year to catch on to how he is - now it is purely entertaining. He will get into a roll out of the blue where he calls me for days, is desperate to connect. Either I ignore him and he goes away, only to resurface in another 6 months, or we see each other, and he still goes away, only to resurface in 6 months. It's sooo predictable! Thing is, I have ZERO feelings for him, so what he does doesn't matter to me anymore.

 

If you want another two years of this, continue keeping him in your life. But if you are looking for something real, then cut him loose.

[shadowplay]

His story is one of the following:

 

1 - you are merely a booty call

2 - he is dating many other women

 

Either way, he is not that interested. What he does, is blowtorch with you. Meaning, he will come on really strong, really interested, and then he's off doing that with someone else.

 

I have had a BT'er in my life for over 4 years. The guy is a total nut job. It took me about a year to catch on to how he is - now it is purely entertaining. He will get into a roll out of the blue where he calls me for days, is desperate to connect. Either I ignore him and he goes away, only to resurface in another 6 months, or we see each other, and he still goes away, only to resurface in 6 months. It's sooo predictable! Thing is, I have ZERO feelings for him, so what he does doesn't matter to me anymore.

 

If you want another two years of this, continue keeping him in your life. But if you are looking for something real, then cut him loose.

 

They do this because it usually works. Women reinforce the behavior by falling for it.

[shadowplay]

Here's an excerpt from an online book I found that might be relevant to you :

 

Clients have

approached me complaining they feel trapped in what

they describe falsely as their “love” relationship. They

feel they have become hopelessly in love with a partner

who is not fulfilling their needs and they perceive

themselves as helpless in the situation. This is most

common in relationships where one is involved in an

extramarital affair; however, it can occur under any

circumstance where passion or loving attention is

received only intermittently.

 

The belief that this person is involved in a “love”

relationship is often untrue. They may be experiencing

a form of excitement that is associated with love, but

there the resemblance ends. What is often the case is

that these people are experiencing what is known in

the field of psychology as intermittent reinforcement.

To illustrate this concept, I offer the plight of the typical

slot machine gambler.

 

A slot machine is programmed to pay off

intermittently to reinforce the gambler’s desire to keep playing.

However, there probably isn't a person reading this that doesn't

realize the player must eventually lose. What happens, however,

is that the anxiety of whether

or not the next play will “pay-off” or even deliver the

“Jackpot” supplies a continuous rush of energy which

the player becomes addicted to. This is what keeps

them in the game until finally, frustrated and out of

money, they are forced to quit.

The addictive relationship is quite similar in that

the addicted partner receives a little “pay-off’ now and

then. For example, these “pay-off’s” may take the form

of rare periods of understanding and tenderness from

your partner or unexpected episodes of erotic sex.

During this period, a generalized anxiety syndrome is

established; hoping, but never knowing when the next

“pay-off” will come. This intermittent reinforcement

creates a powerful emotion which is perceived as

Blissful Fusion, convincing the addicted person they

are “in love”.

[mishy]

Here's an excerpt from an online book I found that might be relevant to you :

 

Clients have

approached me complaining they feel trapped in what

they describe falsely as their “love” relationship. They

feel they have become hopelessly in love with a partner

who is not fulfilling their needs and they perceive

themselves as helpless in the situation. This is most

common in relationships where one is involved in an

extramarital affair; however, it can occur under any

circumstance where passion or loving attention is

received only intermittently.

 

The belief that this person is involved in a “love”

relationship is often untrue. They may be experiencing

a form of excitement that is associated with love, but

there the resemblance ends. What is often the case is

that these people are experiencing what is known in

the field of psychology as intermittent reinforcement.

To illustrate this concept, I offer the plight of the typical

slot machine gambler.

 

A slot machine is programmed to pay off

intermittently to reinforce the gambler’s desire to keep playing.

However, there probably isn't a person reading this that doesn't

realize the player must eventually lose. What happens, however,

is that the anxiety of whether

or not the next play will “pay-off” or even deliver the

“Jackpot” supplies a continuous rush of energy which

the player becomes addicted to. This is what keeps

them in the game until finally, frustrated and out of

money, they are forced to quit.

The addictive relationship is quite similar in that

the addicted partner receives a little “pay-off’ now and

then. For example, these “pay-off’s” may take the form

of rare periods of understanding and tenderness from

your partner or unexpected episodes of erotic sex.

During this period, a generalized anxiety syndrome is

established; hoping, but never knowing when the next

“pay-off” will come. This intermittent reinforcement

creates a powerful emotion which is perceived as

Blissful Fusion, convincing the addicted person they

are “in love”.

 

This is GOLD, just GOLD.

 

So tell me, what happens when the slot machine realises the gambler knows its game and leaves the establishment?????? ie gives up "early" on getting the jackpot???? Just waits til the next victim comes along i suppose....

[Racquel Colette]

Why did you feel the need to call him the next night?

[LoveLace]

Shadowplay I love your post! Makes all kinds of sense! Well my parents divorced when I was 14, because my father met someone else...but he stayed heavily involved in my life since; we're pretty close and the last thing he's been is neglectful. But I've still wondered if it effects my relationships, or ability to have them anyway. I've never felt angry at my dad at all though.

 

At this time I'm totally acceptive of Dan as a "for now" guy, it's just that no matter who ya are you always wish for more eventually. I can't say he fills in time I could be spending meeting other guys because I have very little time for going out and if I do have the time, all my friends are married with kids and they can't just get up and go out at any time. I no longer believe anything real is out there for me, it's sad but true, I'm 31 years old and I would love to fall in love, get married, and have kids, but by the time it was all said and done I'd be too old and probably couldn't even get pregnant!

 

Think about it...say I meet Mr. Right tomorrow...great! Guys hate pressure. My desperation tends to show weather I hide it or not. It would take a guy at least 1 year or 2 years to propose, then another year to plan a wedding, that would make me 34 and it takes a while to get pregnant, I'd be lucky if I had a kid by 36, and after 35 the risk for all kinds of complications and malformations goes up hugely (I'm in an OB class right now, probably doesn't help!) It all sounds like paranoia but scares the crap outta me.

 

I've always wanted everything in the proper order and feel like its no longer a possibility, which is fine, but I don't want to be alone and I want to be a mother, so I don't know what to do...

[LoveLace]

I was thinking...I could cut him lose, but to neglect calling wouldn't do it with Dan...what if I call and tell him "sorry, but I am looking for something with promise and although I have tons of fun with you, it might make me lose focus on what it is I really want"...or something along those lines?

[melodymatters]

I was thinking...I could cut him lose, but to neglect calling wouldn't do it with Dan...what if I call and tell him "sorry, but I am looking for something with promise and although I have tons of fun with you, it might make me lose focus on what it is I really want"...or something along those lines?

 

I've noticed this tendency with you to share your every thought and emotion with the men in your life. They can NOT be your sounding board. YOU need to decide what you want from them, from a relationship, and then manifest it in YOUR actions. This running dialogue you have, seems to get in the way of things running a natural course.

 

just a thought. Hope you are well as always !

[LoveLace]

Well, I don't exactly feel a desire to tell Dan my every thought, it's just that if I don't tell him something, he'll always try to come back, and even though I enjoy his company, I don't want to start wishing it becomes more and lose sight of what I really need. I'm suggesting honesty in an attempt to get rid of him, since just ignoring him doesn't do it. However, who knows if honesty would even work!..

 

Hi MM!!!!!!!!!

[compassion42]

He sounds like a typical commitment-phobe to me. Guys like this will often be super affectionate and romantic in the moment, but then not return your calls for days and bolt when asked to make any kind of commitment. He wants to keep you at arm's length and not let things deepen past a superficial level. He keeps disappearing because if he stuck around one of you might develop feelings for the other. By overdoing the affection when you're together he compensates for his lack of consistency and essentially keeps you on a string. I doubt he's going to change if he's 38 and flat out said he never wants to marry. Don't let yourself get hooked or mistake his easy affection for love.

 

It's like the absentee parent who takes his child out to the carnival every few months and acts super affectionate but then swiftly disappears -- leaving his child in despair -- until his next surprise visit. It's easy for somebody to act "loving" and fun when they're keeping you at arm's length and feel no sense of duty to you. Don't fall into the trap of intermittent reinforcement. Love is shown through consistency, not momentary intensity.

 

 

This post by Shadowplay is just BRILLIANT!-Excellent,excellent observations and analogy.

If I were you, I'd read it again.

[shadowplay]

Shadowplay I love your post! Makes all kinds of sense! Well my parents divorced when I was 14, because my father met someone else...but he stayed heavily involved in my life since; we're pretty close and the last thing he's been is neglectful. But I've still wondered if it effects my relationships, or ability to have them anyway. I've never felt angry at my dad at all though.

 

Even if your dad stayed involved in your life, you probably felt abandoned and rejected by him on some level. The child inside you may be trying to amend this early rejection by winning over unavailable men as an adult.

[LoveLace]

Even if your dad stayed involved in your life, you probably felt abandoned and rejected by him on some level. The child inside you may be trying to amend this early rejection by winning over unavailable men as an adult.

 

Definitely possible. But I don't want it this way. My last BF wasn't a challenge at all, and I loved it, milked it, it ended up being too good to be true. This kind of thing rarely appears as opportunity in my life, mutual, strong liking and desire to be together often. That is what I want; I'm exhausted with challenge and games but it seems to be all I attract.

[shadowplay]

Definitely possible. But I don't want it this way. My last BF wasn't a challenge at all, and I loved it, milked it, it ended up being too good to be true. This kind of thing rarely appears as opportunity in my life, mutual, strong liking and desire to be together often. That is what I want; I'm exhausted with challenge and games but it seems to be all I attract.

 

Iirc, your last bf wasn't really available. It seems like you ignored some major red flags -- guy coming on strong too fast, in the midst of a messy divorce that almost certainly meant he was on the rebound. The reason he rejected you isn't because it was too good to be true and love isn't possible without games. It's because he was still attached to his wife and not ready to move on.

[LoveLace]

In the 30's, I now believe there's no such thing as a totally "available" guy. There is always baggage for the single in this age group, weather it's divorce or commit-phobe. To say I won't accept any baggage, is narrowing my standards even more than they already are, and the pool is small enough as it is. I just don't know how to get around that....a whole new thread all together? Wells thanks shadowplay and I think your totally right about Dan's display of over-affection.

 

So what should I do next time he calls and wants to hang out? Say no, even though I feel the desire to meet my physical and social needs and it so happens that no one else is around for that?

[Kamille]

LL you are not desperate! Please get that thought out of your head! It's likely this feeling of desperation that is keeping you single.

 

Desperation is making you consider a complete commitment-phobe as relationship material. Desperation made you misheed the red flags in your previous relationship.

 

I'm 31 too. When I met my current bf I was actually thinking that I didn't want anything that would complicate my life. I dated and rejected guys (guys that I thought very attractive) because they would complicate my life more then add to it.

 

If I had felt desperate, I would have likely kept those guys into my life and most likely have been too caught up in drama to pay attention to my bf. Or would not have paid attention to his very clear message: he was ready for a relationship and wanted one with none other then me.

 

Yup, guess what, there are single men in their 30s who are ready for a relationship and who have dealt with their baggage.

 

Please learn to be selective LL. And I think what Melody matters says about words is true. Signify to these guys, and the world and yourself, that you are serious about finding a committed relationship not through telling them about it, but through your actions.

 

This commitment phobe? To the curb! He would only impede you from being ready for someone who is ready to love you.

[LoveLace]

Ok and exactly what "actions" let someone know what I want? It's easy to let someone know what you DONT want...but what about the other way around?

 

There is certainly no clear messages around that I'm ignoring, I can tell ya that! To even have a guy like me is far and few in between.

 

Also, I can't always help it if I feel desperate, it's just a feeling there that I can't just switch off at any time...it's just there ugh

[Kamille]

I am not saying I never felt the 'time-clock' gnawing. But it was easy for me to turn it off because I never felt like I had to have children. I feel that children 'happen' if they are meant to happen. Not everyone - even happy couples- can have children. Also, women often have children well into their 40s, and I was-am also willing to consider adoption if and only if I have a good partner to raise children with.

 

Actions: don't settle for commitment phobes just to have someone around. You slept with him and now you are wondering what the mystery behind him is. This man shouldn't be more then a ONS.

 

I have to agree with you that good men are few and far between, but I think this is precisely why you should spend the least amount of time, thought or energy on the duds. Tell yourself a great, ready, available man is the only kind of guy you will allow into your life. You will then learn to read the red flags better and guys will respond to your expectations.

[LoveLace]

Thanks K...If only I haven't spent my whole life just waiting for the day to be a mom...maybe I wouldn't feel so much pressure. But that anticipation is one thing I can't change, like the types of guys I date. If I get too old and find out I can't have them, I'd be devastated for life, I believe I'm meant to have kids. I think the Holidays make this all harder for me.

 

ONS?? Haven't figured that one out! If I'm not spending my free time with somebody, I'm at home alone, plain and simple. It isn't as though I ever have a list of guys to call and see if they'll hang out that night. (nor are any calling me...well unless it's a guy like Dan!) And like I said...girlfriends are all married with kids...not available for company 99% of the time. Working/going to school doesn't help either, nursing school at that, so it's ALL girls! And it's an adult program, so they are all married too!

 

I can't win!! Not even LS can solve my problem! Although anything helps...

[Racquel Colette]

I was thinking...I could cut him lose, but to neglect calling wouldn't do it with Dan...what if I call and tell him "sorry, but I am looking for something with promise and although I have tons of fun with you, it might make me lose focus on what it is I really want"...or something along those lines?

 

This doesn't make any sense because he is already showing you that he wants pretty much nothing to do with you already.

Your first mistake was sleeping with him at the drop of a hat the other night. Your second mistake was calling him the next day.

Oh well, lessons in life for next time.

[LoveLace]

Um well Racquel I've known him for 2 years, it was not the 1st time we've slept together, not even close; also, it's doesn't happen at "drop of a hat", we usually spend hours out together before leaving together, which happened twice last week, and he doesn't have to do that necessarily and pay for everything like he does; I've had guys actually try to get me in bed after 1 drink and lame conversation for chris sakes.;; and he will eventually call again because he always has, sometimes a few days later, sometimes a month later, I wouldn't say that it means he wants "nothing to do with me" he just obviously doesn't want a serious committment. What I need to do is not even answer next time he calls.