Is he just a friend?

[gullible]

I first posted this in May of this year.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t119711/

 

My wife has been communicating via email for over 4 years with a man that she claims is just a good friend. She says that he was previously a friend of her ex-husband, then he became a family friend, and that she has always flirted with him, but that there is nothing else going on.

 

I found out about accidently when I was printing something from her computer and here yahoo email was open.

 

There were several emails from OM. I recognized the name because she asked me once before getting married if I believed that there was just one 'love of your life'. She said that she thought she had missed out on hers. After reading these emails I purchased a spy program and put it on her computer so I could spy on her email.

 

She had apparently known OM when she lived in another state. The emails that she had received from OM indicated that he was now divorced and that he had moved here. He wanted to get together with my wife. She stated that she was now happily married but perhaps they could be friends. He said 'Fine, let's get together for lunch'. She said that she'd rather meet for drinks, but that "it needed to be in a dark bar where nobody would recognize her".

 

They set up a time and place. The day she was scheduled to meet him she came into the office dressed like she was going out on a hot date and was planning to get laid afterward. I commented on how nice she looked and she seemed very embarrassed.

 

OM sent her an email stating that he had a business appointment and needed to reschedule. They rescheduled, but something happened and they never did meet. For four years he has been sending her emails asking when they were going to get together for drinks. She's been resisting. About two years ago she told him, "Here's the thing. I can't meet for drinks because I'm afraid that I'll again become your lover".

 

Last summer I confronted her with it. She said that they were just friends, and there was no reason why I should be upset about it. I said that it was fine for her to meet him for drinks as a friend, but if they were just friends why did she need to keep it secret from me. She said she wasn't keeping it secret, but that it was so insignificant to her that she didn't think she needed to mention it.

 

In May the emails stared up again. She had a special yahoo email account that she used only for emailing him. Since then they have met at least twice. The first time was just for drinks, the second I'm not sure about. After that they started communicating by phone instead of email. I suspect a third time, but I have no proof of it.

 

At the first meeting he told her that he was getting married in Septermber to a woman that he'd been living with for several years. In August she wrote him and e asked why and he said that she wasn't available so he had to settle for second best. She wrote back and said in all caps, DON'T SETTLE. POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Postpone and we'll take it to the next level.

 

His response was that they had decided to move it up to the next weekend and that they were leaving on Friday to go out of town to get married. Thursday night she checked her special email account 4 times, but no email from him. The next week she canceled her special email account.

 

That lasted only a few weeks, then she set up another special email account and started emailing him again.

 

Finally on Sunday I confronted her about it. She admitted that she had still been communicating with him via email, but denied that she had seen him since we had been married. Finally after I told her that I had been spying on her computer she admitted that she had scheduled two meetings with him, but claimed that she had second thoughts and didn't show up. I kept questioning her and she finally admitted to meeting with him twice.

 

She claims nothing went on -- that they just talked. I have no way of knowing if this is true or not. I reminded her that I told her last summer that if it was just a friendship that it was perfectly OK with me if she communicated with him or even met him, but that it wasn't OK to sneak around and keep it secret from me.

 

She said she was afraid to tell me because I might think that there was more than friendship. She repeated about 20 times 'I haven't done anything wrong.'. Finally she said that she was sorry if I interpreted the emails the wrong way and that she was sorry if she had hurt me and that she should have told me about it.

 

She wanted to set up a meeting with me, her and OM so that I could see the relationship that they had. I agreed to it. She called him today and set it up for next Wednesday.

 

She claims that he has never been more than just a friend. However one of the emails talked about a time when they were in a motel and she handcuffed him to the bed and he was naked and she didn't have the keys to the handcuffs.

 

My question is 'What should I ask in order to determine if it's just a friendship?'

[Bryanp]

This is unbelievable. Your wife has been constantly lying to you over and over again. Of course she was intimate with him in the past. Clearly she has been hot for him ever since. The chances are pretty good something happened each time she met him. She is still lying to you. After what you have written why would you not be seeing an attorney? Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head? She has been constantly disrespecting you and your marriage. Why in the world would you put up with this. Clearly you can never trust and she is still lying to you today. This is so unacceptable. I feel very sorry for you.

[reservoirdog1]

Very obviously, my friend, she's banged him at least once. "I'm afraid I'll again become your lover"? The handcuff thing? Do you REALLY need a slide rule to figure this out? It couldn't be any clearer if she sucked his dick right in front of you.

 

Bryanp is right, so I won't repeat what he said. If I were you, I'd kick her ass to the curb.

 

As a second alternative, however, I propose the following.

 

Go to the Wednesday meeting with her and him. Make like you're just going to sit and talk. But before either of them has the opportunity to say much of anything, put your face right up close to his and say something like "if you ever come near my wife again, or try to contact her in any way, I am going to crush your fycking skull." Say it like you mean it, and then tell him to get the fyck out.

 

This will accomplish a few things. First, it will give you your balls back. Second, your wife will receive a much-needed jolt of respect for you. And thirdly, it may just have the effect you want it to have.

 

There are some risks. He may bring charges against you for threatening him. But, I can't imagine a judge doing much to you in these circumstances. Also, your wife may leave you. But if she does that, she was going to leave anyway, and you're probably better off without her.

[Cobra_X30]

Gullible,

 

Stop living up to your screen-name!

 

I told you once before that your wife is trash! Time to Man the F*** Up and take out the trash!

 

She has no respect for you... no love for you! Are you afraid to be alone... because you already are my friend?

 

Are you afraid you cant to any better? If so... dont be... because you cant do any worse!

 

What do you find so special about this woman? Seriously?

[JustBreathe]

I do not mean to hurt you as that is the last thing any of us need, but what are the chances they could communicate in private without your knowing and concoct a story prior to the meeting? By pay phone perhaps?

 

A meeting would be useless if this were the case as they would both just be telling you lies. A polygraph would be much more effective. I might ask her if she would submit to one (even if you don't intend to follow through).

 

Sorry. I wish I had a positive thing to say. But I just don't. Her story sounds fishy.

 

I looked up the top 7 signs of lying: The liar will - touch his face (chin, nose) or hair; change in the pitch of the voice; become overly defensive (my H woudl start yelling); make statements that contradict each other; fidget (tap foot, blink alot; get red faced or maybe pale instead; get sarcastic or make jokes out of what you're saying.

 

And I do agree with the other posters. She is lying when she says they did not sleep together. Please open your eyes.

 

Sorry.

[gullible]

I looked up the top 7 signs of lying: The liar will - touch his face (chin, nose) or hair; change in the pitch of the voice; become overly defensive (my H woudl start yelling); make statements that contradict each other; fidget (tap foot, blink alot; get red faced or maybe pale instead; get sarcastic or make jokes out of what you're saying.

Either my W is very good at lying or I'm very bad at spotting the signs. When we had the discussion on Sunday she lied about meeting with him and I would probably have believed her if I hadn't had proof otherwise. She was very convincing, and didn't have any of these signs. If she lied to me about that, she probably lied to me about other things.

 

She has promised that after the meeting Wednesday that she will have no further contact with him, either email, phone or in person. But how will I ever know. I really don't want to live the rest of my life wondering.

 

I'm going to stress that the important thing to me is to know the whole truth, and that lies of omission are as important as other lies. There are some things that I know that she doesn't know that I know that I can ask about. If they lie about those things I can assume that there are other lies that I don't know about.

 

Even if she told me that she didn't want to discuss what had happened in the past -- that it was over and that it would never happen again and that discussing it would serve no purpose I would be moderately happy. At least I would know she wasn't lying (except maybe about it never happening again).

 

I watch Judge Judy a lot. Judy sometimes asks questions that aren't really important, but that are designed to tell if the person will answer them truthfully. If the person does not answer truthfully then she says that she has a difficult time believing any of the other things that they say.

 

Would a polygraph tell anything about what she might do in the future, or would it just confirm what I already know -- that she's not telling the complete truth about the past?

[cj1988]

Hello, I know how you feel. trust me they have planned what to say. My H did the same thing to me.....she is not telling the truth. She has slept with him, but it may have been years ago, so WHY lie?

 

They are so selfish shen it comes to making them look like the CRAP they really are, because then they are in the HOT seat forever and have to pay the price.....why not lie and keep living life easily !

[gullible]

Hello, I know how you feel. trust me they have planned what to say. My H did the same thing to me.....she is not telling the truth. She has slept with him, but it may have been years ago, so WHY lie?

 

That's my thinking. I know they did it years ago before W and I met. I don't care about what happened back then, so why lie. The only thing lying accomplishes is to make me suspicious about everything else. Once you've established the fact that you have no difficulty lying everything you say is questioned.

[dbtmarley]

Either my W is very good at lying or I'm very bad at spotting the signs. When we had the discussion on Sunday she lied about meeting with him and I would probably have believed her if I hadn't had proof otherwise. She was very convincing, and didn't have any of these signs. If she lied to me about that, she probably lied to me about other things.

 

 

Dude your wife is a liar and a cheat. Of course she is not going to come clean about it and I would bet my life there are things you don't know about. Women have the ability to look one right in the face and swear on their own life about their honesty. But I ask you this, how can we as men believe anything from something that can bleed for 5 days straight and live? They are not human!! They are like vampires that can walk in the sunlight... I say put a stake in this relationship and find you a new vampire my friend.

[LifesontheUp]

So sorry to hear you are going through this and its been going on such a long time too.

 

It is obvious that your wife has never got over this man and it is likely that they have taken it to the next level when they did meet again. They weren't just reminiscing about previous sexual encounters....it was exactly were the relationship was heading back too.

 

Sorry but your wife is a very accomplished liar and a cheat. If you didn't have the proof from your spyware you'd believe her.....she was that convincing. So why on earth would you believe that this is only a case of just good friends?

 

Listen, I really don't understand why you are putting yourself through the painful process of meeting this guy. They will have got their stories straight without a doubt. I can't see what you are going to gain from this. Your wife is an accomplished liar, he is caught up in this with her, so what do you expect to gain from this meeting.

 

I think you should do yourself a favour and cancel out of it. Tell your wife you know whats been going on and show her the door. I know its hard but you really don't need to put up with this cr**. I'm usually for making it work if both parties are willing, but honestly, your wifes heart is elsewhere. Let her go and try and move on with your life and in time you will find someone who will love you for you and not play these deceitful games.

[mattym]

Looks to me like she has safety , comfort and security with you and excitement with this other guy

 

Might be an idea to say ' If he makes you happy, go be with him' and see what she chooses - my guess is she likes him at arms length, but won't go running to him.

 

I guess if she does leave, at least you'll be living the truth and you'll know for sure...my guess is she won't leave

 

Matt

[Mz. Pixie]

Women have the ability to look one right in the face and swear on their own life about their honesty. But I ask you this, how can we as men believe anything from something that can bleed for 5 days straight and live? They are not human!! They are like vampires that can walk in the sunlight... I say put a stake in this relationship and find you a new vampire my friend.

 

Ummmm, men lie as well. Lying and cheating is not gender specific.

 

Vampires?? Really?? Very mature.

[Mz. Pixie]

To the OP- she is definitely cheating. I agree with what RDog said. Are you waiting to see if she will do him right in front of you???

 

Do you need a picture??

 

She point blank told you that she "settled" when she married you. Are you fing kidding me?? If my spouse told me that I'd be out the door.

 

Seriously. You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

 

What would you do if you weren't afraid she would leave you??

[dbtmarley]

Ummmm, men lie as well. Lying and cheating is not gender specific.

 

Vampires?? Really?? Very mature.

 

 

I was being sarcastic really... sorry you could not tell by the vampire comment. Women are better liars though.. not gender, but genetics is the reason. Men suck at lying and the women who believe them are either naive or just don't want to see the truth.

[gullible]

Might be an idea to say ' If he makes you happy, go be with him' and see what she chooses - my guess is she likes him at arms length, but won't go running to him.

I really think that's what she had in mind. However he wouldn't cooperate. He told her he was getting married in September to a woman that he'd been living with for years. He had told her:

 

Well your off the market sooooooooooo I have to settle with the next best thing!

 

Her response was:

 

What am I thinking! We CAN't meet in September - you're getting MARRIED! It'll have to be August. I just HAVE to work something out, promise. I have to get all my burning questions answered IN PERSON like: What ARE YOU thinking?, Are you OUT OUT OUT of your mind?, plus MANY MANY more. Fine, don't listen to me. You never do and then look what happens. You should have listened to me long ago. FIND SOMEONE COMPATIBLE. Fine, don't listen to me. Three words of advice: POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step.

 

 

To me it looks like her comment 'Do that and we'll proceed to the next step' indicates that if he'll postpone getting married she'll divorce me so that she will be available for him.

 

I brought that up on Sunday. She said that I completely misinterpreted what she said. She said that he's just a friend, and that he'd been married several times before and she didn't think it was in his best interest to get married and she just wanted to try to talk to him as a friend.

[gullible]

S

he point blank told you that she "settled" when she married you. Are you fing kidding me?? If my spouse told me that I'd be out the door

 

She never said that. When she told me that he was the love of her life we had just broken up and she was very angry with me.

[mattym]

I really think that's what she had in mind. However he wouldn't cooperate. He told her he was getting married in September to a woman that he'd been living with for years. He had told her:

 

Well your off the market sooooooooooo I have to settle with the next best thing!

 

Her response was:

 

What am I thinking! We CAN't meet in September - you're getting MARRIED! It'll have to be August. I just HAVE to work something out, promise. I have to get all my burning questions answered IN PERSON like: What ARE YOU thinking?, Are you OUT OUT OUT of your mind?, plus MANY MANY more. Fine, don't listen to me. You never do and then look what happens. You should have listened to me long ago. FIND SOMEONE COMPATIBLE. Fine, don't listen to me. Three words of advice: POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step.

 

 

To me it looks like her comment 'Do that and we'll proceed to the next step' indicates that if he'll postpone getting married she'll divorce me so that she will be available for him.

 

I brought that up on Sunday. She said that I completely misinterpreted what she said. She said that he's just a friend, and that he'd been married several times before and she didn't think it was in his best interest to get married and she just wanted to try to talk to him as a friend.

 

There are warning signs all over this though - this guy is discussing his emotional needs with someone OTHER than who he's planning to spend his life with - and she's lapping it up

 

It['s not an appropriate relationship, and she's doing it away from you

 

Just look after yourself in this situation and don't be taken for a fool

 

Wish you well, Matt

[LifesontheUp]

Do that and we'll proceed to the next step.

 

No confusion there. Theres nothing there about talking to him as a friend.

 

Sounds to me that she was telling him she would have sex with him again.

 

Like I said earlier she is an accomplished liar. Don't put yourself through meeting him. Pack her bags and tell her to go to him.

[Mz. Pixie]

I recognized the name because she asked me once before getting married if I believed that there was just one 'love of your life'. She said that she thought she had missed out on hers.

 

Okay, so she didn't say she "settled" but she might as well have. She TOLD you she missed out on the love of her life! Are you kidding me?? You're going to split hairs about exactly how it was said??

 

In August she wrote him and e asked why and he said that she wasn't available so he had to settle for second best. She wrote back and said in all caps, DON'T SETTLE. POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Postpone and we'll take it to the next level.

 

She's telling him don't settle and they will take it to the next level??

Hello?? What does that mean to you??

 

Let me tell you, I've been the cheating wife in my prior marriage so I kind of have some experience in this type of thing. She's cheating on you. Whether or not it's ever been physical or not means nothing. At the least it's an emotional affair. She's taking time away from you and your marriage to focus on this guy. I'm trying to give you the benefit of my experience in this area.

 

At the very least she's thinking about when she did have sex with him and talking about it like it's a fond memory. Even that would signal emotional infidelity to me.

 

She can set up any meeting that she wants to with OM, and he might attend and they can both pretend nothing is going on.

 

OM is NOT the issue here. Your wife is. She needs to cut off any contact with this guy. Friend or not, wtf ever. The reason she needs to cut it off is because of the way it makes you feel period. If you're uncomfortable with it, it needs to go.

 

My husband has two female friends from college. I wouldn't tolerate conversation between them on the level that your wife has been carrying on. Especially if one of them were "the love of his life"!!! I am the love of his life and he tells me on a regular basis.

 

If she balks about cutting off contact with him then you know there is a real issue. I suggest keeping the keylogger on the computer and she needs to be open and honest at all times about her whereabouts and you need to have all access to her email passwords and her cell phone records.

[gullible]

She's telling him don't settle and they will take it to the next level??

Hello?? What does that mean to you??

Most people on here seem to think it means an affair. I thought it meant she would divorce me for him.

 

She needs to cut off any contact with this guy. Friend or not, wtf ever. The reason she needs to cut it off is because of the way it makes you feel period. If you're uncomfortable with it, it needs to go.

She voluntarily agreed to do this. She said after out meeting next Wednesday she would have absolutely no contact with him.

 

However, there's no way that I can know whether she's in contact with him or not. I'm sure there won't be any more emails from her home computer, or calls to or from her cellphone, however she could take a few hours off from work and meet him in the afternoon and I'd never know it. She could call him from her office phone and I'd never know it. She could call me and say she was stopping at the mall on the way home and I'd never know for sure where she was.

[Mz. Pixie]

Most people on here seem to think it means an affair. I thought it meant she would divorce me for him.

 

She voluntarily agreed to do this. She said after out meeting next Wednesday she would have absolutely no contact with him.

 

However, there's no way that I can know whether she's in contact with him or not. I'm sure there won't be any more emails from her home computer, or calls to or from her cellphone, however she could take a few hours off from work and meet him in the afternoon and I'd never know it. She could call him from her office phone and I'd never know it. She could call me and say she was stopping at the mall on the way home and I'd never know for sure where she was.

 

Why would you want to meet with him? This is more of her trying to convince you that their relationship is legit.

[bestadvisor]

Looks to me like she has safety , comfort and security with you and excitement with this other guy

 

Might be an idea to say ' If he makes you happy, go be with him' and see what she chooses - my guess is she likes him at arms length, but won't go running to him.

 

I guess if she does leave, at least you'll be living the truth and you'll know for sure...my guess is she won't leave

 

Matt

 

Isn't that the same thing with you and your OW?

[gullible]

Why would you want to meet with him? This is more of her trying to convince you that their relationship is legit.

 

My therapist says I'm in denial. I guess I would like to believe that their relationship is legit, or to have more proof that it isn't before doing anything else. Although all the evidence says otherwise, for some reason I'd still like to believe my W. She said at least 20 times that she hadn't done anything wrong.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. There is nobody as blind as someone who refuses to see. You have been humiliated and disrespected. I understand you do not wish to believe it but wishing on a star won't make it so. I think you my friend is the one who settled by staying in this marriage.

[reboot]

She said at least 20 times that she hadn't done anything wrong.

She will continue to say that. Because in HER mind, she has done nothing wrong.