I'm new

[GRITS07]

This is complicated, I think and I'm going to give you the Readers Digest version.

 

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, first year of marriage, great, second year he became involved with someone 20 years younger than him. The affair lasted for a year. I found out in our 3rd year of marriage and left for 10 months while I got my emotions in control. I moved back home to try and reconcile. 1 1/2 years later, I have left again. I couldn't do it. I couldn't make myself stay with him. I think I just lost respect and trust and I didn't want to love him anymore. I still love him, but I don't want to.

 

Anyway, I've filed for legal separation and he's devastated. I feel that I've shifted the blame of cheating to me because I somehow am now the blame our marriage didn't work.

 

Any advise on how to stop beating myself up about my decision?

[SYRACUSE03]

You should really see someone (therapist) about this. There is a reason why he cheated and once you find out why, it may help you stop beating yourself up. Until then, stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty that he screwed up. And he did it for a year! You deserve to be happy and only you know how to achieve that. It seems that he doesn't respect you and that in itself is detrimental to the realtionship. Did you ever confront him as to why he cheated?

 

Personally, I don't think that cheating is acceptable or explainable. If you want to be with someone else, have the decency to tell the person you are with. I never understood the cheating aspect because I've never done it. It's been done to me but I'm sure that inner values, self esteem, etc., have a lot to do with it. Good luck.

[GRITS07]

We did MC for a year. The reason he cheated in his words "I don't know why." Fast forward 2 years, he tells me that anyone given the right circumstances could cheat. Huh? What the hell are the right circumstances? But to his credit, he was a text book remorseful husband. He did everything that a former cheater should do in order to reconcile. Unfortunately, the damage was done as far as I was concerned and he could never do enough.

 

I am in individual counseling right now because I am too hard on myself. I feel like a failure because I decided to end the marriage. I found myself wanting another man in my life, he's faceless and nameless, but I see him. I see someone that I can love, trust, respect and grow old with. Should I feel guilty for wanting that?

 

Anyway, I can't date because I'm scared to be hurt. So here I am wanting to find Mr. Wonderful, yet I too scared to let go of my husband.

[reboot]

You have no reason to feel guilty about whichever choice you make. If you choose to leave him, you have that right. What he did was terribly, terribly wrong. And no matter what anyone tells you, if you choose to stay, you also have that right.

 

Keep in mind that, the chances of you trusting someone new are probably not much better than trusting your husband again. Infidelity really screws you up like that.

[bustertypsy]

Don't for a second feel guilty.You married,taking marriage in a very serious manner.

He cheated,making a mockery of his responsibilities.

You then forgave and took him back into your life.

You tried your best to make it work,but the thoughts of his affair haunted you and you couldn't give the love you once had.

Well how could you? The trust was broken,by him,not you.

There is only one person responsible for the demise of your relationship.........and that's HIM.

[pensfan]

Wow, this sounds alot like my situation. I've been married for 12 years and have two kids. We really struggled a few years back, she has depression problems and resented me. I probably didn't do as much as I could have for her, not really understanding how bad that illness can be. But it has been like that since we met, I am the source for all her problems. Anyway, she gets a new job two years ago, had an affair with her boss. Realizing something is wrong, I investigated. The only reason she fessed up, was because of damning evidence I had on her. Otherwise, I do not believe she would have ever come clean. Once, she admitted it, it all came back on me not being there for her. I am not perfect, but was always loyal. Another thing that came up was that she slept with two guys in the same night while we were dating. She always swore nothing ever happened, so I let it go. After learning of this affair with her boss, I left home to live with my brother. After 6 months, she begs me to come back, which I do. It was hard being away. I still love her and the kids needed me home. But now fast forward one year. I am not happy and thinking about leaving again. She has gotten deep into her religion. Which is fine, however like before, there is no time for us.

Now she guilts me for her not wanting to better herself. Also, we just do not have anything in common anymore. I know that I will feel terrible if I leave. I too have a faceless woman in my head, someone I can love, trust and have fun with. But I feel with having kids, I might just have to suck it up. The only advice I can give you, is to not feel guilty about his cheating.

[Tripper]

Don't beat yourself up.

He's the one that cheated and you said yourself that:

 

I think I just lost respect and trust and I didn't want to love him anymore.

 

HE broke the trust and lost the respect.

 

When you are ready, you will date again. Right now you need to mourn the loss of the marriage and there's nothing wrong with that.

[GRITS07]

Thanks everyone. I have been on Christian forums and it seems to be the consensus that I am leaving my husband for other reasons than the affair. I asked the question on the forum, if I left right after I found out about the affair, would anyone blame me? What's the difference? I just took my time to re-evalute the relationship and it just wasn't something I was comfortable in. They think it's because I can't forgive and I can't let it go. If I did that, all would be good. It causes me severe angst so anyway, I left that forum because they were screwing up my head.

 

I really appreciate good heart felt conversation without all that physco bumbo jumbo. Thank you.

[GRITS07]

I have another quick question. What is an acceptable time period for someone to date after they separate? I've asked that question before and boy did I get blasted.

 

I left my H because of his cheating, but it seems that until the divorce is final, it seems to be a popular opinion that I should put my life on hold until then. So, I'm confused, he cheated and I have to put my life on hold because he screwed up?

 

Advise, anyone?

[reboot]

You need time to get your heart and your head together, and that's pretty hard to do when you jump right back in with someone else. It's not a question of it being "acceptable" or "moral", it's about doing what's best for you. Being single and enjoying it is not putting your life "on hold". You can't be complete without another person? You can't find things to do for you that are just about you?

 

This is what most people mean when they tell you to take some time.

[GRITS07]

I agree. I don't need a man to make me complete and frankly I'm fine by myself. But if I wanted to date (no relationship stuff), is that wrong?

[reboot]

I agree. I don't need a man to make me complete and frankly I'm fine by myself. But if I wanted to date (no relationship stuff), is that wrong?

Define wrong.

 

Is it morally reprehensible? Not in my opinion. Others might disagree.

 

Is it wrong in that it's probably something you aren't ready for at this point? That is a strong possibility.

[sumdude]

Thanks everyone. I have been on Christian forums and it seems to be the consensus that I am leaving my husband for other reasons than the affair. I asked the question on the forum, if I left right after I found out about the affair, would anyone blame me? What's the difference? I just took my time to re-evalute the relationship and it just wasn't something I was comfortable in. They think it's because I can't forgive and I can't let it go. If I did that, all would be good. It causes me severe angst so anyway, I left that forum because they were screwing up my head.

 

I really appreciate good heart felt conversation without all that physco bumbo jumbo. Thank you.

 

Forgiveness is important IMHO.. but not from some religious sense. You forgive others not for them but for yourself. You can't carry that angst or anger around with you, it will affect every future relationship. If you want to call it pscho babble then that's OK. But I found it important to realize that no one can be perfect and everyone makes bad choices. That every marriage is about two people and when it ends both have to carry at least some responsibility for it.

 

Some marriages do survive and regrow after an affair but it's a long hard uphill road to get there and a choice each individual has to make for themselves.

 

To rebuild trust after you've felt betrayed and lied to seems close to impossible.

 

If you feel like you've tried everything in your power to make it work and it just doesn't then make your choice and be prepared for the difficult times of a divorce. Divorce sucks for everyone involved and once you start that snowball rolling down the hill it takes on a life of it's own. It affects the spouses, the kids, the families, the freinds, finances, jobs, living arrangments etc etc. It's an emotional marathon to run.

 

I wish you well..

[GRITS07]

It affects the spouses, the kids, the families, the freinds, finances, jobs, living arrangments etc etc.

We don't have any kids. We are 50 years old, second marriage for both. We are taking what we came into the marriage with as it was only a 5 year marriage. We are both working professionals so financially, we won't suffer, at least I don't think we will.

 

That every marriage is about two people and when it ends both have to carry at least some responsibility for it.

 

Well, I don't take ANY responsibility for his indiscetions. We were newlyweds. I was sooooo happy, so was he. I treated him like a king and to this very day, my husband will say the same thing. That's why it was so devistating. We were happy, we were so in love, we weren't worn out by life, or long term relationships. This was a very new, exciting marriage for both of us.

 

As far as forgiving my husband. I think I have. I wish him well, I wish him happiness, I'm not out to ruin him financially, I'm not asking for anything that wasn't mine to start with. We're still friends. I just cannot be married to him.

 

Is it wrong in that it's probably something you aren't ready for at this point? That is a strong possibility

.

 

Perhaps, but I think not. I've been recovering for 3 years. I've processed all the emotions. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to jump into a relationship, I think this could be counterproductive for me, a rebound, or something that shouldn't be. I really want to take my time.

[reboot]

3 years is a good bit of time, you didn't make that clear.

[GRITS07]

Need to clarify further.

 

I was separated for 10 months, went home to try and reconcile, was home for 2 years and left again recently as I just couldn't get back what was lost. So to clarify - technically, I've only been legally separated for a little over a month, but have been in recovery for 3 years.

[GRITS07]

Well guys, I leave tomorrow for a 5 day cruise. It's my Christmas present to my kids (26 year and 24 year old kids). I'm so looking forward to getting away but it will also be a trigger because me and my STBX cruised quite a bit. I often wonder if he took the bimbo on a cruise. I asked him and he told me no, but I don't believe that for a second. Anyway, I'm a little down in the dumps today. I'm very lonely and I'm really missing him. I don't want to miss him because I don't want to go back to him. I've made my decision and I want to take this road of getting him out of my life. Why then do I feel like I'll never be able to find anyone that I had so much fun with and laughed with and enjoyed life with. Why did he do this to us? Why do people cheat for no damn good reason. I guess if it were a fling, maybe I would have been able to move beyond this betrayal but because it was a full relationship, diamonds for Christmas, etc. I'm having a hard time letting go. The only way I knew how to get rid of this pain was to get rid of this marriage and him for that matter. Why do I still hold on to my memories with him? Why can't I move on without looking back and wondering what could have been?

 

I'm sad today. Normal, huh? Ups and downs. Man, affairs suck the life out of you don't they?

[Frances]

Well guys, I leave tomorrow for a 5 day cruise. It's my Christmas present to my kids (26 year and 24 year old kids). I'm so looking forward to getting away but it will also be a trigger because me and my STBX cruised quite a bit. I often wonder if he took the bimbo on a cruise. I asked him and he told me no, but I don't believe that for a second. Anyway, I'm a little down in the dumps today. I'm very lonely and I'm really missing him. I don't want to miss him because I don't want to go back to him. I've made my decision and I want to take this road of getting him out of my life. Why then do I feel like I'll never be able to find anyone that I had so much fun with and laughed with and enjoyed life with. Why did he do this to us? Why do people cheat for no damn good reason. I guess if it were a fling, maybe I would have been able to move beyond this betrayal but because it was a full relationship, diamonds for Christmas, etc. I'm having a hard time letting go. The only way I knew how to get rid of this pain was to get rid of this marriage and him for that matter. Why do I still hold on to my memories with him? Why can't I move on without looking back and wondering what could have been?

 

I'm sad today. Normal, huh? Ups and downs. Man, affairs suck the life out of you don't they?[/quote

 

 

 

Your right, affairs suck the life out of you. It is hard to let go but for sanity sake it is most likely the best thing. You do not have to forgive him to get past this, you do need to accept what happened and have the best life you can make for yourself.

 

From what I have read the sooner into a marriage an affair happens the less chance the marriage has of working.

 

People are too hard on themselves when they are grieving. It all takes time and needs to go through the different stages. It is like a death, in fact it is one "the death of a marriage" the hopes and dreams you had and you miss the person who has gone. They are not dead but the person you thought they were has died in your eyes.

 

I hope you had a good cruise. The only way to manage is to be nice to yourself and take things easy. You will know when you are ready for dating. Just have a laugh when you can.

 

You do not stop laughing when you are old, you grow old when you stop laughing.

 

Have you plans for the Christmas holidays?

 

I wish you peace and strenght.

[GRITS07]

I believe for Christmas, I'm going to do some volunteer work. This will be the first Christmaas in my life that I will wake up to an empty house. Not looking forward to it and I'll be glad when it's over with. This in your face jewelry commercials are getting on my nerves. Yeah, jewelry is a HUGE trigger for me, he gave his bimbo diamonds for Christmas. Who the hell does he think he is? Tell me, how do I fall out of love? I really don't want to love my H. I want to get over him and move on and I'm having so much trouble doing this. I talked to my counselor about this very thing yesterday and he told me to learn to tell myself the truth about my H. He hurt me, he lied, he cheated and he's genuinely not a good person. I guess that's a start, but all I see is the fun, the companionship, the same interests that we had. Yet, every time I'm with him or see him, I start this dang cycle over again....you know, the why did he do this? How could he? Then, I become sad, depressed and I have to talk myself into not falling into that "dark" place. It's a constant battle and I'm so sick of fighting it. I need to win and put it to rest. Any help out there?

[GRITS07]

It's been awhile since I posted so I thought I would update everyone. I've been gone now for 3 months - me and my STBX still talk at least a few times a week but I feel nothing for him anymore. I thought that I would always love him, but I'm finding that isn't the case, I'm doing life without him and I'm okay. I'm surprised to find myself enjoying ME. The holidays were hard, but I got through them. My STBX actually left town for about 10 days and I didn't care - wow, I didn't care! That to me was a huge step. I didn't care where he was, who he was with, what he was doing, it just didn't matter to me. So, IMHO, I'm finally healing but it took me to leave to do it. I hope you all understand and don't judge me as making a huge mistake, but I'm finding me. I'm finding that you know what? I'm not so bad. I'm healing and I'm now looking forward to what life has to offer me. For the first time in a very long time, I'm hopeful! I feel good.

 

Today is a good day and you know I've made a few mistakes along the way, but I've learned from them. I'm actually beginning to come alive again. I've been so dragged down by trying to make a marriage work, trying to get over his A, I lost me in the process and now I've awaken from that nightmare and I'm doing good.