cj1988 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Ok, some of you know my story, some do not......anyway, for all those men out there that have cheated and now are trying to reconcile with your W, I have a few quick questions. 1) did you admit to the A or are you still denying it? 2) If you did admit or not, are you still attracted to your wife the same way as before the affair or less? 3) If not why? Is it the OW? The reason I ask is due to the fact his biggest grip for years was that I was not as intimate as he wanted me to be (2 kids, full time job and he likes to party and come in late) He never admitted to the A I accused him and never will, actually told me I was crazy etc ( too much proof for EA if not PA as well) Now, we are still together and I am the woman he has been wanting and grippng about for years. I am very loving, very attentive to all his needs, VERY sexual in ALL ways as well. Well, the man that had to have more sex is now not as interested or acts like he not as much as I am....meaning I want it more than he does and it seems like he makes excuses or finds ways not to....maybe not on purpose, but it seems that way. I will ask him to fool around and he will somehow get out of it 3 out of 5 times now. He also seems to want it when he is ONLY drinking. Now, he is loving and cuddles etc.....but what happened to that man that wanted it all the time? Do I turn him off now in some way? Is it he only wanted because I did not? Could he be thinking about HER instead? He tells me I am pushing it and to relax......made some f---- up excuse last night as well. The reason I am asking is because I do not want to make more of this than it is, or is it ? You would think he would be jumping on it so to speak. He has a good looking woman that loves him and he has loved for 13 years wanting him badly....it just does not make sense to me.....this is what he wanted !
american-woman Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Are you sure he has NC with the other woman? he sounds like he is still foggy. I would still be checking on him. cell phone ect.
Author cj1988 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 Yes, I am sure......she about an hour away, his best friend rides to work and home with him everyday.....I check the cell bill every month.....they spoke 3 times last month....you see it is his 1/2 sister so they will have to talk at some point for the rest of our lives. They were talking ALL day now, hardly at all. He just does not act the same in many ways......but the not wanting the sex thing has really thrown me off. It is not like he does not want it, but i have to pratically beg or catch him when he is drinking.....we do it more now than we ever have.....we were both off toether for 4 days this week, NO SEX at all and when I mentioned it last night, he had an excuse and went to sleep.....odd?
american-woman Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I see a red flag.........keep snooping on him
mattym Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Ok, some of you know my story, some do not......anyway, for all those men out there that have cheated and now are trying to reconcile with your W, I have a few quick questions. 1) did you admit to the A or are you still denying it? 2) If you did admit or not, are you still attracted to your wife the same way as before the affair or less? 3) If not why? Is it the OW? The reason I ask is due to the fact his biggest grip for years was that I was not as intimate as he wanted me to be (2 kids, full time job and he likes to party and come in late) He never admitted to the A I accused him and never will, actually told me I was crazy etc ( too much proof for EA if not PA as well) Now, we are still together and I am the woman he has been wanting and grippng about for years. I am very loving, very attentive to all his needs, VERY sexual in ALL ways as well. Well, the man that had to have more sex is now not as interested or acts like he not as much as I am....meaning I want it more than he does and it seems like he makes excuses or finds ways not to....maybe not on purpose, but it seems that way. I will ask him to fool around and he will somehow get out of it 3 out of 5 times now. He also seems to want it when he is ONLY drinking. Now, he is loving and cuddles etc.....but what happened to that man that wanted it all the time? Do I turn him off now in some way? Is it he only wanted because I did not? Could he be thinking about HER instead? He tells me I am pushing it and to relax......made some f---- up excuse last night as well. The reason I am asking is because I do not want to make more of this than it is, or is it ? You would think he would be jumping on it so to speak. He has a good looking woman that loves him and he has loved for 13 years wanting him badly....it just does not make sense to me.....this is what he wanted ! Hi CJ, I know ypu posted over on my thread so thought it may help you to offer my perspective. As you know I am/was an unfaithful MM I did not admit to the A - my W found out. From what I've read, that's pretty common. I was having my cake and eating it- to admit it would have taken me from a pleasurable place to a realistic and painful one, so i wasn't about to do that. i got found out, and I denied it. I lied to my wife at first, but she isn't stupid- she had concrete proof and so I had to admit it. This was because I was selfish, but also because I loved my wife and did not want to hurt her Something you may want to think about in your situation is that when i was confronted I didn't tell her EVERYTHING. I still haven't. My view is that there has been enough pain and telling her more will achieve nothing other than lifting the weight off my shoulders and onto hers, and I want to protect her. What I'm saying is that you may not know everything about this A, for various reasons, and this may be a reason your H is withdrawn As for sex, well for me I found it difficult to be intimate with my W ( especially kissing for some reason) because I felt guilty. Guilty toward my W, and toward the OW who I'd told I loved and felt nothing for my W I think unless you are a complete unfelling B*stard then guilt is inevitable- People like to be thought of as 'decent' and I think we justify all the wrong things we do by compensating in other areas ( I didn't kiss my wife, therefore I'm not being as deceptive- hope that makes sense) I always loved my wife. Yes the OW was younger, had no kids or ties and so appeared physically more attractive than my wife, but my wife was better in so many other ways. My W was compassionate and allowed me to stay - she could have thrown me out. If that had happened I'd have moved in with OW and who knows where I'd be now - would I be happy? would my kids be ok? would my wife be ok in her life? who's to say , but from what I've read the odds were against it I'm far from an expert but from what you've written it sounds as though he is not over it. I am in the same position. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or wants to be with you, but I guess these things take time. The difference for me is that (so far) I've not had to see/speak to OW - if I did then i can imagine it would be 10 times more difficult Hope this helps in some way. Bottom line is he chose to be with you. Why not start from there? best wishes. Matt
Author cj1988 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Hello Matt, I am so glad you are doing better. I can only imagine how hard it is when you love anyone and cannot be around them anymore, sort of like a slow death in a way. But, as you have stated you chose and that is what matters NOW. You sound like my H, never the type to cheat etc. I know why if he did something that he cannot admit it all. That would be morally wrong and down right GROSS. He is very loving and seems to be coming around in many ways, but to think that he is not over it after so long is not good. She on the other hand looked nothing like me. I am the thinner a lot more attrative of the two...not bragging, just being honest, so that makes it all the more confusing. She is heavy, I am fit and trim, we are the same age a month apart. I belive she forced the whole issue to go away. She is the one that stopped taking his calls most of the time. She also moved on and we think is now having a threesome with a female (my H best friends soon to be EXW) and her H, so my H is history. She is suppose to be this church going GOD send to all her family. She makes out like she is the one that takes care of all the siblings, the strong one. Right whatever. I do believe that my H absence of that side of the family, growing up not known by a lot of the family ( his mother and father kept him a secret so to say) had something to do with it. He grew up with 2 of them and they are not really close and he felt like the black sheep. Then I came along and filled the coid for a while, but not the one only they could feel. It may have all been innocent, but my gut and knowing him makes me think there is more to it. I live the whole mess over everyday in my head and it has been 1 year Saturday since the so called s--- hit the fan and I taped them. So, as you see it has been a struggle for many months. I spoke to him last night about the SEX thing and he said it is not me and I am making way too much of it. He said that me nagging him does not help either, I said well now you know how I felt for years. He nagged me, I told him it was not him etc....the roles have changed, how funny is that. You see a little about me. I am a 41 year old tall think, attractive woman, no goddess, but I can hold my own. I have always been able to turn heads and liked it for these reasons. I was raped when I was 8 by my dads best friend. My dad hated me for years and not my other siblings ( I was not as easy and as behaved, I was a child) Then my sons father cheated on me while I was pregnant and more, beat me and abused me badly. I left him....met a nice older man, was with him, but got bored and broke his heart when I met my H....yes I was cheating with my H when we met. So, you can see why I had major intimacy problems for years and yes my H paid the price in a way. He was VERY good to me for many years in a lot of ways and not so good in other small ways. He is 38 and very immature. He likes to smoke pot and hang out and drink beer with his best friend (they work together all day) instead of coming home to me and our kids ( he has a 16 year old GAY son that needs him, my sweet heart and my 19 year old who is off to college this week) So, as you can see I am not only dealing with a confusing starved marriage, I am last in the inportant line. I come last....he is really selfish and resentful, so remorse for the stupid s---- he does is not often at all. I belive he justifies everything he has done and or does by how I treated him for many years. I never treated him BAD, but I was not there as much emotionally and intimately as I should have been, but NO reason to stray ! I do love him very much, but I see my life with him as a dead end a lot and fight it, not because of the supposed A , but because he is just too immature and selfish to get to the next level. He told me this weekend he thinks we are just in a transition stage and to be patient, that I am not patient at all, true.....but how long should I wait if I should wait at all. He is not going to grow up and change.... Like I said, he has shown NO remorse about how he treated me for over a year now, not including the 5 months he was leaving me and did not speak to me and watch me fall slap apart. He has shown NO remorse at all about her and making her first.....on top of it they blamed me, said I was crazy and made me grovel and beg for forgiveness, how mad do you think I am at ME now ! I kept telling her she did not know him, meaning his drunk mouth and how he talks to me etc.....he had her believing I was mean cruel and just b---- and nagged for nothing....then one drunk night she saw it ! He saw her making out with the girl and she saw him being very mean to me for NO reason.....since then (August this year) they have not talked so much. That is what leads me to believe it was major INFATUATION ( her H is unemotional and cheats and she allows it, said it was JUST SEX, not emotional and that is ok) but at the same time is talking to my H her brother like she was in charge of his every emotion and life ! That is when he started turning against me, when he fell under her spell....Miss I will fix your life baby and love you forever.....well where is the great SISSY now?????? Sorry, so long, I am on a roll and had to get it out....so the answer to my question may be that since he was able to feel so much for her that maybe he realized that what he felt for me was not even in comparison anymore.....the sad part is that I know if I left him now, he would fall apart and wake up from this dream or nightmare he let himself get into with her....I am too available, while she is not and never will be....they can never be.....so you see my battle. I may be the second choice for life now, because he can never leave me and run to her ! What should I do, leave or stay ????? I do not know anymore and I need an answer before the wrong one kills my soul and me one day !
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