Loosing One's Cool

[JHS]

I was having a conversation with someone today who said something obviously false and somewhat intending to be bothersome. The quote was "I cannot get an answer out of you." It was said somewhat smugly during a professional conversation and was said while the person would not shut up to let me answer. Anyway, I lost my cool and raised my voice (partly because the other party would not let me answer) but I should not have. What really gets me is that there are certain types of people who say things just to start a fight, and then never accept responsibility for it being an incorrect statement by saying sorry or that it was wrong to say such a thing.

 

My question is: What is that behavior? Clearly I should not have raised my voice. What is a better way to react?

[tanbark813]

That reminds me of this quote:

 

This is the first preliminary schooling in spirituality: not to react immediately to a stimulus, but to have the restraining, stock-taking instincts in one’s control. Learning to see, as I understand it, is almost what is called in unphilosophical language ‘strong will-power’: the essence of it is precisely not to ‘will’, the ability to defer decision. All unspirituality, all vulgarity, is due to the incapacity to resist a stimulus—one has to react, one obeys every impulse. In many instances, such a compulsion is already morbidity, decline, a symptom of exhaustion—almost everything which unphilosophical crudity designates by the name ‘vice’ is merely this psychological incapacity not to react—A practical application of having learned to see: one will have become slow, mistrustful, resistant as a learner in general. In an attitude of hostile calm one will allow the strange, the novel of every kind to approach one first—one will draw one’s hand back from it. To stand with all doors open, to prostrate oneself submissively before every petty fact, to be ever itching to mingle with, plunge into other people and other things, in short our celebrated modern ‘objectivity’, is bad taste, is ignoble par excellence.

 

—Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols

[Trialbyfire]

Never lose your cool during a professional discussion. You allow people to get a handle on what drives you. View everything in a detached way and above all, never take it personally.

 

Btw, why do you need them to stop talking, before inserting your comments? Better to shut it down, by stating your points logically, with the intent of presenting your side without being angry or defensive.

 

There are also times you'll have to eat it. Don't worry. Opportunities to rebalance will present themselves in the future, if you are in the right. Most often, it's better to allow it to sheet off your back. Resentments only hurt you.

 

Find irony and amusement in it. Work can be a game. You can either be the boot or the pot of gold.

[oppath]

It's not the end of the world to have raised your voice. Sometimes, it is necessary in a romantic relationship; as flaming as it sounds, if your boundaries are really crossed, raise away, though it should be done rarely.

 

In the workplace...it's not the end of the world. The best thing to do is simply state how you feel. In this case "I feel upset that I am not being given a chance to contribute."

 

Sometimes you need to wait until the meeting is over and approach people individually.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's one little trick I use in a situation of professional discussion. I hold up my hand in a stop gesture and get assertive by saying "Hold it. Before we proceed any further, I think it important that we address this issue, NOW. We appear to have a disconnect of communication style, so let's clarify the issue, to the understanding of all."

 

This way, you control the conversation and get your point(s) across. In not pointing the finger at an individual, you will get better results.

[JHS]

Never lose your cool during a professional discussion. You allow people to get a handle on what drives you. View everything in a detached way and above all, never take it personally.

 

Btw, why do you need them to stop talking, before inserting your comments? Better to shut it down, by stating your points logically, with the intent of presenting your side without being angry or defensive.

 

Thanks. It's hard to not take something personally when it is stated, falsely, "I cannot get an answer out of you." That's what got to me. The other person was really being an idiot so in that sense, I don't take it personally.

 

And I do not like being interrupted nor do I interrupt so I like to wait for the other party to stop talking so I can interpose my side logically, etc.

[JHS]

It's not the end of the world to have raised your voice. Sometimes, it is necessary in a romantic relationship; as flaming as it sounds, if your boundaries are really crossed, raise away, though it should be done rarely.

 

In the workplace...it's not the end of the world. The best thing to do is simply state how you feel. In this case "I feel upset that I am not being given a chance to contribute."

 

Sometimes you need to wait until the meeting is over and approach people individually.

 

I totally agree, sometimes one must raise their voice to surmount what is being said but there are some people who use the fact that one raised one's voice as the end of the world. They take no responsibility for what they did. I would rather that the person would say (or think), "Wow, I guess I didn't realize that I was being so difficult that it caused him to raise his voice." There are people who will step on your foot and when you say OW! the complain that you yelled at them. I get bothered by people like that.

[JHS]

Here's one little trick I use in a situation of professional discussion. I hold up my hand in a stop gesture and get assertive by saying "Hold it. Before we proceed any further, I think it important that we address this issue, NOW. We appear to have a disconnect of communication style, so let's clarify the issue, to the understanding of all."

 

This way, you control the conversation and get your point(s) across. In not pointing the finger at an individual, you will get better results.

 

Definitely a good suggestion because that is the type of discipline I would like to have but this particular conversation was on the phone. I was waiving my hand like crazy!

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks. It's hard to not take something personally when it is stated, falsely, "I cannot get an answer out of you." That's what got to me. The other person was really being an idiot so in that sense, I don't take it personally.

 

And I do not like being interrupted nor do I interrupt so I like to wait for the other party to stop talking so I can interpose my side logically, etc.

You'll find that it might not be so false, in that each person communicates a different way. More times than not, it's perception of avoidance, rather than avoidance itself or not understanding the nuances of what someone else is trying to communicate. You have supplied answers, from the sounds of it. Does he/she understand the answers or implications to the answers? Not everyone can grasp, everything said. Something to consider, okay?

 

I do understand not wanting to interrupt. In normal course social interaction, I also try not to. In a conflict situation, sometimes you have to.

[JHS]

You'll find that it might not be so false, in that each person communicates a different way. More times than not, it's perception of avoidance, rather than avoidance itself or not understanding the nuances of what someone else is trying to communicate. You have supplied answers, from the sounds of it. Does he/she understand the answers or implications to the answers? Not everyone can grasp, everything said. Something to consider, okay?

 

I do understand not wanting to interrupt. In normal course social interaction, I also try not to. In a conflict situation, sometimes you have to.

Well, I realize this medium limits my ability to properly convey the conversation - this was not a perception issue or avoidance. It really boiled down to the person sort of rambling and asking a stupid question and then immediately injecting the "I can't get an answer out of you" comment w/out giving me a chance to even answer. Couple that with my not wanting to interrupt and I finally was like, "huh?" and I raised my voice. I will say it shut the person up but they will never take ownership of making a stupid statement like that. - The questions were simple - I had sent an e-mail with a letter attached and the other part was asking whether they should read my e-mail - but I had sent 3 unanswered e-mails so I had no idea what they were even looking at and then that. It was really bothersome to deal with a person that unprofessional but my gripe is when I am confronted by such obvious stupidity, I need to learn to not lose my cool (I know that sounds arrogant, and I am usually not).

 

A similar thing happened not long ago in an e-mail exchange too now that I think about it. The person had written something kind of non-sequiturish and a little inflammatory and instead of the person accepting that, I was accused of not having a sense of humor (or something along those lines). Sheesh!

[Trialbyfire]

JHS, did you feel the need to defend yourself, with my last post?

[JHS]

JHS, did you feel the need to defend yourself, with my last post?

 

Not at all, why should I?

[Trialbyfire]

Not at all, why should I?

Just curious. It sounded a bit like you felt the need to explain and defend yourself.

[JHS]

Just curious. It sounded a bit like you felt the need to explain and defend yourself.

 

Explain, yes but defend, not at all. I thought you gave a thoughtful answer and also appreciate the fact that you've taken the time to give a complete stranger your two cents. I just know that I could not, by typing, really convey the actual conversation so I was just offering some clarification.

[Trialbyfire]

Explain, yes but defend, not at all. I thought you gave a thoughtful answer and also appreciate the fact that you've taken the time to give a complete stranger your two cents. I just know that I could not, by typing, really convey the actual conversation so I was just offering some clarification.

Gotcha'. Your explanation is appreciated.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that sometimes, things appear one way to one person and another to another person, when there was never any intent.

[desertguy]

Not exactly the same situation, but last week I had something similar with a coworker and a discussion on our company wide email list. To make a long story short, somebody said something particularly egregious, and I called them on it on the whole email list. I probably should have responded in private email, but I stated why I felt like I did, tactfully and logically, and got some support verbally from other coworkers for what I said. My boss later said that the discussion was important, but should not be held on the company wide forum, not directed specifically at me, but to everyone on the list. Later, the coworker I called out approached me and offered to try to resolve the situation. We talked, eventually did resolve it, and moved on. But I don't regret standing my ground, making what I felt was a valid point, which I think was also in the company's best interest. If it's a valid reason, don't be afraid to call out someone, just be tactful doing it.

[JHS]

Gotcha'. Your explanation is appreciated.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that sometimes, things appear one way to one person and another to another person, when there was never any intent.

Exactly why I clarified.