cancer7871 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 My BF and I have been in a relationship for 4 years now....we met online and also work together but didn't know it at the time. The thing is for the past year...since we got engaged things haven't been so great. We're constantly fighting over stupid things. Our sex life has dwindled to almost non existant and no matter what I do he's not interested. His initial excuse for the lack of sex is that he's always tired but more recently he said that it's hard for him to want to have sex with me when all we're doing is fighting and "NO people" he doesn't believe in make up sex. I am extremely lonely, depressed and just feel that he's not attracted to me anymore. NO! I know he isn't cheating...I know he would never cheat. I don't know what to do to fix this. Like I said we haven't been getting along so great for almost a year now and more so it's been getting worse the past couple of months. The other part of this is an ex-boyfriend sent me a text the other day...to wish me Happy Thanksgiving. The thing is we chatted a bit and told him my situation. He went on to tell me things about our relationship that he enjoyed and that sex was not a problem. I'm saying this because I keep thinking it's me...something is wrong with me. Did I gain too much weight, do I not do things like I used to, did I do something wrong. Shoud sex be this important in a relationship or do I just want it too much. I really don't think once a week or twice a week is too much...god...I'm not even getting that. Do I not love him because I'm fantasizing now about other people. Someone please tell me if this is normal....should I just sit back and not push him anymore and take what I can get or should we call it quits and find someone who can make me completely happy. Am I selfish? I just want to be loved and wanted and I haven't felt that way in quite a while.
jerbear Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 My BF and I have been in a relationship for 4 years now....we met online and also work together but didn't know it at the time. The thing is for the past year...since we got engaged things haven't been so great. We're constantly fighting over stupid things. Our sex life has dwindled to almost non existant and no matter what I do he's not interested. His initial excuse for the lack of sex is that he's always tired but more recently he said that it's hard for him to want to have sex with me when all we're doing is fighting and "NO people" he doesn't believe in make up sex. I am extremely lonely, depressed and just feel that he's not attracted to me anymore. NO! I know he isn't cheating...I know he would never cheat. I don't know what to do to fix this. Like I said we haven't been getting along so great for almost a year now and more so it's been getting worse the past couple of months. The other part of this is an ex-boyfriend sent me a text the other day...to wish me Happy Thanksgiving. The thing is we chatted a bit and told him my situation. He went on to tell me things about our relationship that he enjoyed and that sex was not a problem. I'm saying this because I keep thinking it's me...something is wrong with me. Did I gain too much weight, do I not do things like I used to, did I do something wrong. Shoud sex be this important in a relationship or do I just want it too much. I really don't think once a week or twice a week is too much...god...I'm not even getting that. Do I not love him because I'm fantasizing now about other people. Someone please tell me if this is normal....should I just sit back and not push him anymore and take what I can get or should we call it quits and find someone who can make me completely happy. Am I selfish? I just want to be loved and wanted and I haven't felt that way in quite a while. You are in a bad situation right now. Has your finace taken any steps to improve the situation? You are feeling unloved, lonely due to not having sex. Sex is an intimate act for you, makes you feel wanted, desired, and loved. He is not providing that which causes communications problems in the subconscience. Have a chat then attack him, or just take a very big leap and just attack him. Tell him you are stressed, and need release. Honestly the ex and cutting loose is not a good option for now. If the finace is working on things, work on them together.
LakesideDream Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 This is another thread it may help to switch genders on. I postulate that if it was a woman not interested in sex because her BF argues way to much, is a "No Person", has gained weight, and just isn't much interested in life becomming a on the go type... add in a bit of depression. Would anyone be critical of her? I don't think so. Make up sex... wow, having fights hoping for post conflict copulation is silly. IMO the OP should be working on cleaning up her act.. and hoping her BF will come around.
Author cancer7871 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Posted November 29, 2007 Thank you Lakeside and jerbear for your comments....and yes Lakeside you are right as far as it being the opposite sex and in the same situation. I didn't mean to sound selfish or it was just about sex...I guess that was the biggest thing on my mind when writing and wishing if we would just be intimate that things would be better but it's more than that. The major problem is how he wants different things now than I do. We both work all week and on the weekends we go out. The thing is we do everything he wants to do and it's always sitting at the bar from the time we get out of work til closing time and this is every Friday and Saturday night. Sure, it was fun before and we always had a good time but it's gotten to the point that we're fighting so much that he flies off the handle when he gets really drunk...never physical just emotionally abusive. Name calling, yelling constantly. It's been bad that even a couple of friends have commented on his anger when he drinks because he doesn't hide it. I've tried to ask him to stay home at least one night a week and watch movies or just find a hobby ...do something other than sit at a bar waste our money and get drunk. He feels that his weekends are for him to have fun and all he wants to do is drink. That started the problem with us. So, I started complaining and saying I wanted to stay home...which always ends up in a fight and we don't talk sometimes for days when I do that. He won't go out with his friends and leave me at home so it makes me feel like I have to go otherwise if we stay home we'll fight. I've told him that I thought we both had a drinking problem and he is like so what I like to drink. Now of course it's little fights about nothing and then the sex issue because of the fighting. There's alot of selfishness on his part with little things. I am a very giving person in every way. I've been seeing a counselor for a couple of months now and he came with me once. Things were great for a week or two then didn't go with me to the next appointment because he said he "had" to work..he volunteered to work an extra shift. I think he did that on purpose. Now we have another appointment tomorrow and he's already saying he doesn't want to go. I feel as if it's just over and I shouldn't even try anymore but another part of me thinks maybe he'll come around. I don't know what to do but yes...it's alot more than just the sex issue. Oh, and the ex who I was talking too...I told him the other day that I didn't feel comfortabe conversing with him as I felt as if I were cheating and wouldn't appreciate my BF doing what I was doing and needed to figure out where things were going on my end. I was wrong to talk to him and I know that ...it just helped me to realize that I deserve more...or do I?!?!
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