burningman Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 So W has finally admitted to everything, and taken full responsibity for her part. This came down on her like a ton of bricks. There's a number of reasons she let herself get into a ONS situation and we've sorted through them together. In order to move forward, we've discussed steps she can take to help me rebuild her trust. To recap, OM is in her office, sits next to her, and is in her chain of command. Hr (head of east coast for the co.) was at the party. He took the reoprt and buried it, and advised no one is to discuss it again, and W and OM are not to speak to each other. She's written a letter to the co and our attorney has it now. I feel she needs to stay on the attorney and get the letter out, figure out a way to confront the guy since she had a blackout and doesn't remember exactly how the night I ended. ( I believe this too. Defense mechanisms/alcohol at work.) She's in IC and I go to IC today. MC will follow. So this is progress. She has also reviewed her HR policy and one or both of them can be terminated for this, although I don't believe the co. can risk terminating her, considering the actions of mgr and HR during the night in question. She does not want to lose everything she has worked for. But she knows that I am not going to get through R knowing she works for him and they work in the same office, albeit just 2-3 days a week. I'm not going to therapy to accept this. I don't want to accept it and I don't deserve or need to. She's arguing it's already NC except for absolutely nec. work-related discussions. Sorry, this is not NC. ************************************ My delimma, is that in my emotional state, I know that the letter being sent and her confronting him are huge steps into R. I also know this isn't going to all clear up overnight. I also do think that getting on track from ONS is going to be way easier than an A based what I've read here and in the books. I'm undecided now between keep pushing her or just sitting back and seeing if she does it on her own. Her typical personality is to procrastinate and avoid conflict. I'm afraid she may just put this stuff of until I get on her. Push and shove or wait and see? I can see the benefits of both approaches. Any thoughts you have would be helpful. Tough call. Note: we can make it off of my salary if it comes down to it.
Bryanp Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 If the roles were reversed what do you think she would be demanding of you?
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 She has to leave that job, that's a deal breaker. She may not have ANY feelings for him after all that's happened, but I tell ya, her seeing him and talking to him on a professional level is NOT going to help her heal! All that does is have him on her mind, for whatever reason, and that is not good for your recovery. I'm sure she could find another job easily, as soon as she lets go of the ego part in all this, she'll see leaving is the best choice.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I thought she had come to the point where she realized on her own that the job had to go? What happened?
LifesontheUp Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I thought she had come to the point where she realized on her own that the job had to go? What happened? Thats what I thought too. Is she stalling on this now?
Author burningman Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 Bryanp, I don't really know to be honest with you. She knows I'm type-a kind of person, so she would expect me to start cleaning sh*t up fast. Out of respect for my marriage I would be trying and taking every voluntary step I could. Begging to do whatever she wanted me to. Seems like it's typical for the BS to feel this way and the WS to drag their feet doesn't it? I guess I'm just wondering if I should push and try to get her to do these steps, or give her enough rope to hang herself. My heart says push and my head says give her the rope. This all kinda goes back to some of the people on here that have mentioned that it takes consequences to get their attention. Last friday before thanksgiving, I told her she needed to come out of the fog and come clean. That took a week. And she needed to send the letter and confront the guy. My bags were packed when I said those things. We got through the coming clean part (a week later), so disclusre is now done. I'm sure a few questions will come up, but more or less it's done. She wants me to unpack my things and I just won't do it until this other stuff is done. While I hate to see her lose her job, that's the consequnces. They won't fire her anyway. I'm seriously thinking it's time to go Kevin Spacey/American Beauty in the garage for while. A little Hendrix, kerosene heater, my dog and weight bench and wait and see? I'm going to sit on my hands for this week and see what you all think, go to IC tonight and hope the answers come to me soon. Keep trudging through it.
Author burningman Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 She's convinced that they may move him instead of her, and she shouldn't have to leave. Hence the need to get the letter out. She knows what the final outcome is going to be here, he leaves that office or she does, she's just stalling. If she doesn't confront him and doesn't stay on the attorney for the letter, she gets to keep her job and stall. I've already found her a potential job at my co. It requires moving 75 miles and she gets a raise. But she won't consider it. Too much change and she doesn't like the city it's in. Frankly I don't like the city it's in either, but I'm willing to move to save her career and our marriage. I'm quite certain she has no feelings for the guy, she's downright pissed at him for manipulating her into that siutation (not that she's lacking any accountability for her part though).
LifesontheUp Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 She's convinced that they may move him instead of her, and she shouldn't have to leave. Hence the need to get the letter out. She knows what the final outcome is going to be here, he leaves that office or she does, she's just stalling. If she doesn't confront him and doesn't stay on the attorney for the letter, she gets to keep her job and stall. I've already found her a potential job at my co. It requires moving 75 miles and she gets a raise. But she won't consider it. Too much change and she doesn't like the city it's in. Frankly I don't like the city it's in either, but I'm willing to move to save her career and our marriage. I'm quite certain she has no feelings for the guy, she's downright pissed at him for manipulating her into that siutation (not that she's lacking any accountability for her part though). Can I ask if they went to lunch together or drinks after work or places alone before the night in question?
abeliever Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Sometimes you have to sit back and see what "free will" will do. I mean yeah you can go around and bark that she does this and that but is it "really"what she wants? I say, move forth slowly, if she chooses to leave her job that would be better than you making her. IMO But the thing is wherever she goes the temptation will be there. I wish you good luck. If this is your desire to work it out, be patient and let her do what is necessary to win you back and not the other way around. abeliever
Author burningman Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 no drinks, no lunches, no indication he wanted anything from her other than friendship. Totally professional in the office. She's consistently stated she never saw it coming. In retrospect there were some subtle moves on his part that we both should have noticed, but he was planting little seeds. "move your office next to mine" when she got promoted. He done some questionable things that she even told me about along the way, but considering I know him, and his position, we both thought nothing of it at the time. ************************ abliever: i'm with you now after thinking about it today. Patience. I've come to the conclusion that after she accepted her part in it, she's not emotionally in a very good spot. I don't think she had any intention of anything happening until the drinks started flowing. My big concern is that she is physically shaking and terrified to go work, and terrified to lose everything she has worked for at her career. She has to figure out that I love her, and will do anything to help her get through this. Disclosure is done. Now we have to protect her health and it's a major concern. The letter must go out ASAP and I'm going to intervene. It's crucial for her protection at work.
LifesontheUp Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 no drinks, no lunches, no indication he wanted anything from her other than friendship. Totally professional in the office. She's consistently stated she never saw it coming. In retrospect there were some subtle moves on his part that we both should have noticed, but he was planting little seeds. "move your office next to mine" when she got promoted. He done some questionable things that she even told me about along the way, but considering I know him, and his position, we both thought nothing of it at the time. I asked because I couldn't understand after coming clean why she was still arguing to stay there. I was again wondering the nature of the relationship they had and how she had come to have the emotional attachment to him. Anyway, I hope she eventually understands that you will not be able to work through this with the two of them working in the same office. It sounds like its up to her now and I hope that she wakes up to the realisation soon, before she loses you for good.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 My big concern is that she is physically shaking and terrified to go work, and terrified to lose everything she has worked for at her career. Jobs come and go! Careers wax and wane! In the end its the people in our life which hold true value! So what does she fear losing more?
Tomcat33 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Sometimes you have to sit back and see what "free will" will do. I mean yeah you can go around and bark that she does this and that but is it "really"what she wants? I say, move forth slowly, if she chooses to leave her job that would be better than you making her. IMO But the thing is wherever she goes the temptation will be there. I wish you good luck. If this is your desire to work it out, be patient and let her do what is necessary to win you back and not the other way around. abeliever I whole heartedly believe in everytyhing that was said in this post. But then again Burning, you already know how I feel on this subject. I don't adhere to the "school principle" mentality or regression into fathering/mothering of a spouse. Recovery is being sure that the person is staying and doing for all the right reasons, NOT because they are told "you need to" or else. In my mind no one "has" to anything, what "has" to happen is a balanced meeting of the minds and hearts between two willing adults who not only act maturely but also act responsibly, by their own merits.
reboot Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I whole heartedly believe in everytyhing that was said in this post. But then again Burning, you already know how I feel on this subject. I don't adhere to the "school principle" mentality or regression into fathering/mothering of a spouse. Recovery is being sure that the person is staying and doing for all the right reasons, NOT because they are told "you need to" or else. In my mind no one "has" to anything, what "has" to happen is a balanced meeting of the minds and hearts between two willing adults who not only act maturely but also act responsibly, by their own merits.Absolutely, expecting someone to wear sackcloth and ashes and scrape and grovel to get back into your good graces is not the recipe for a successful relationship. If they won't willingly do what they need to do, and you can't gracefully accept it when they do, then divorce is a much better option.
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