Thoughts?

[mzd]

To be honest, I'm not much for these sites but I've not been able to find anything like this and just thought I'd give it a go to see what other's experiences have been like.

 

My story is probably like a lot of yours - I never ever thought I would end up in the situation I am in and don't really know what to do. I can't really talk about it with anyone either without fear of judgement.

 

Don't really know the abbreviations but the situation is this - I've become involved for just over 9 months now with a guy who is in a de facto relationship of around 4 years. They own a house together and have a dog. We're both in our late 20s.

 

Re his girlfriend - we never speak about her really. We certainly don't mention her by name. Both of us get really awkward and uncomfortable about it. He is never derogatory about her. He just says that they've become more like friends than lovers. He's never said it, but he's hinted that they're not that sexually active. He's said on numerous occasions that he has to get out of the relationship.

 

I didn't realise he was in a relationship when I first met him. We met through work and there was an instant physical chemistry. We followed up with a friendly email the next day but lost contact. A month later I moved jobs and got back in contact with him while updating files.

 

We started emailing after that which led to flirtatious emailing, which he initiated - he was really chasing me. He kept attempting to make dates with me but never coming through with a time/place. After about a month or so, we finally had coffee and I could tell he was very interested in me. A few days later we met up at a function with a group of his and my friend's. He kissed me that night and we were to meet up later - we never did, we just ended up txting each other.

 

The next day he rang me and told me he had a girlfriend, that their relationship was in trouble and he wanted us to wait. We ended up meeting up to sort things out, but that was a mistake because we ended up making out. I could tell he felt really guilty about it, he couldn't seem to make the first move. I couldn't sleep with him, I felt too guilty, he was fine with that.

 

After that I heard from him erratically. He would txt me and ask me for lunch or call me out of the blue but then I would not hear anything more. A couple of weeks later he called me and said he wanted me to know that he had been thinking about me a lot. A few weeks later we ended up sleeping together. I could tell he wanted to but didn't at the same time - he tried to get out of meeting me at the last minute and when we did meet it just sort of happened.

 

That was about five months ago - I haven't seen him since but have been in regular contact with him, pretty much once a week, sometimes more - we have phone 'conversations'. I've tried to cut it off twice. The first time after we slept together it was sort of like he wanted to again but couldn't actually do it. I told him we were going nowhere and he said he was going to sort his life out and we would take up from there. We agreed we wouldn't physically meet up while he was still together with his gf.

 

The second time was about a month ago. I figured we should just cut it back to friends (seeing as he hadn't as yet sorted his life out) and stop the conversations. I thought that if I was still in contact with him it would stop me from focusing on meeting available partners. He understood, but this resolve lasted about a week before it was back to normal (and it was he who initiated it, but I stupidly fell off the wagon).

 

At first I thought I could handle it because I thought it was purely sexual but the boundaries have been blurred along the way and I've started to really like him. He says its deeper on his part but we both recognise that we don't really know each other beyond a sexual level and his current situation doesn't permit us from getting to know each other properly. I also don't understand either how this can have gone on as long as it has (and gotten stronger) when I haven't even seen him in months - surely he should have gotten over it if I was just a shag, especially as I have given him a couple of outs?

 

I guess I just needed to write this out and see what feedback I can get from people in similar situations who can sort of point me in the right direction, at least give me some survival tips or the male's point of view, so I can understand better?

[JamesM]

The best way to see how this type of situation should be solved is to pretend that YOU are his girlfriend of four years, and this story is about some girl he met while living with you. Then what would you tell yourself?

 

In no way will I be critical, because as a guy, I will pretend that he could be me. If it was me, and I had not left the girlfriend yet, then I know that in my heart I still love the long time girlfriend more than I love you. Simply because I have not left the girlfriend yet.

 

Yes, he is addicted to you. Yes, he loves the feelings of new love he gets with you, but yet inside he still wants to see if his "de facto" relationship will be good again.

 

As a guy, I would tell you that you should move on. And perhaps if down the road he really does leave her, then maybe you can pursue something with him. But never forget...he has shown that he will cheat if things are not going well in the relationship. Read the many stories on this Board...very few end up with happy endings.

 

This is life...not the movies.

[child_of_isis]

Most likely he married his girlfriend.

[imstunned]

Hi mzd, welcome to the forum. I found it about 2 months ago and am very glad I did.

 

Your story reminded me a little of mine in that you have been seeing your man for 9 months - but not very often and not for 5 months. I Was in a relationship with my ex for 8 months and then discovered him to be married. I hardly saw him though due to some great big life he created for himself claiming to be a mountain climber.

 

We were in regular contact except when he was pretending to be up a mountain. By the time I found the truth about him being married I hadnt seen him for weeks, but we had kept in contact by phone and texts (hundreds and hundreds of them). I tried on a ccouple of occasions to let it go - in fact I did let it go when his actions didnt match up to his words, but he kept comming back.

 

Now I have NO IDEA as to why he came back. Was it because he couldnt let me go as he really liked me? Was it because his wife hadnt put out and hefancied a shag? Was it for an ego boost. Was he trying to do the right think and let me go too but couldnt? I could wonder about it for the rest of my life - I'll never ever know - and I doubt even he knows. You are unlikley to ever know the motivations behind your mans behaviour either.

 

5 months is a long time to go without seeing somebody. But its not suprising that your feelings are getting deeper as you are still in contact with each other. Every phone call and text is like a drug for the addict. The BUZZ I got from hearing from my ex was great. You get addicted to the way that makes you feel.

 

You are very lucky to have some insight into this man you are seeing as you already know he has a live in partner. Now what does that tell you about him? perhaps he is a really decent guy who really likes you and just cant resist. But I doubt the outcome wil be any different for you if she ever finds out. You will be thrown under the bus just as I was. If I had known he was married I wouldnt have gone within a mile of him. It pretty much ALWAYS ends the same. These men dont leave. For whatever reason they dont leave unless they are kicked out.

 

Do your self a favour and cut contact with him. IF you and he are meant o be toghether then this action will propell him to be with you and leave his SO. He has no reason to do so just now as you are happy to see him on the side.

 

I would have done anything to have the knowledge that you have. Dont waste it - use it and say goodbye to this man. Do it before you find that you are totally in love with this him and posting on here thats his SO has found out about you while crying like I was.

[mzd]

Thanks very much for all your replies. They helped me immensely.

 

Just wanted to update and say that I finished it last night...have deleted all of his contacts and I have told him to do the same to mine. He was shocked that I didn't even want to stay in contact as friends.

 

Neither of us were mean or angry or anything like that...he said some really lovely things and he seemed genuine. I guess there's still part of me that hopes he springs into action and severs his R but I don't think he's ready and I don't think I would want to be with someone who needs an ultimatum.

 

I guess at the end of the day he can like me as much as he wants but, as one of my friends said, she doesn't know any guy who won't fight for what he wants. He may claim that I am not his second choice, but by not choosing me, then I am. We can like each other immensely but what he can't offer me is commitment and I deserve better.

 

Many thanks.

[Ronni_W]

If it was me, and I had not left the girlfriend yet, then I know that in my heart I still love the long time girlfriend more than I love you. Simply because I have not left the girlfriend yet.

 

Putting myself in that same situation, it's possible I'd stay in the long-term relationship b/c it is comfortable and familiar (rather the devil I know) and/or I'm not yet ready to face the fall-out -- guilt, anger, tears, et al.

 

Not saying those are GOOD reasons for not making the change...just other possible reasons.

[imstunned]

Good for you! I'm very impressed! Well done.