Could baby even be his?

[terrified]

I don't really know why I'm writing this. Part extreme guilt...part extreme fear at the consequences if my fears did come true.

 

I had an affair with a married friend for a couple of months earlier this year. Towards the end, I finally realised that I was probably being taken for a ride..but like the many others here... every so often he would say things that gave me hope that maybe there was more. But looking back.. it was stupid because I have the best husband any woman can hope for.

 

All this would be so much easier for me to forget and walk away from, if not for a nagging fear that the child I have inside me now could possibly.. even remotely possibly... be his. Towards the end of the affair, I had protected sex (condom) with the other man one afternoon. I then slept with my husband (unprotected) that same night.

 

Did my calculations, and realised that I had probably ovulated that very day, and now I'm pregnant. My husband and I had just started trying for a child that month, so I was shocked. That was probably only the second time we actually "tried".

 

I would be ELATED if I were 100% sure that it's my husband's child. I had already made up my mind that if I ever got pregnant, that's DEFINITELY the end of the affair. No stepping back anymore. But the problem is... while I'm 100% sure that I had sex with MM that day (it's so much easier to keep track of such things when you know it's wrong), I'm not so sure when I actually did it with my Husband. When I asked him, he says it was that day...but I can't be positively sure.

 

I had even confessed to my obgyn about this because I was going crazy the first few weeks after I found out. She said that the chances of me getting pregnant by MM was slim since we had used a condom. But the problem is 1) I'm not sure when exactly i had sex with husband, 2) even if I did have sex with husband, it was definitely AFTER i had sex with MM, 3) what with all the info I'd googled about condoms breaking at all.

 

MM and I still keep in touch, although affair has long ended. When I asked him whether any "accidents" happened with the condoms (we always used condoms), he said no.

 

The most logical thing, and probably the best thing for all parties, that I can do now is to keep quiet about everything. The truth would kill my husband, and the baby could very well be his. But the guilt is eating me up alive. I have had sleepless nights over the past few months and it's stopping me from getting excited about my pregnancy. However, i tell myself to be strong and to accept all this as retribution. Let me, alone, take the pain for my mistake, and I can't bear for my unborn child or husband to suffer because of me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I don't really know why I'm writing this. Part extreme guilt...part extreme fear at the consequences if my fears did come true.

 

I had an affair with a married friend for a couple of months earlier this year. Towards the end, I finally realised that I was probably being taken for a ride..but like the many others here... every so often he would say things that gave me hope that maybe there was more. But looking back.. it was stupid because I have the best husband any woman can hope for.

 

All this would be so much easier for me to forget and walk away from, if not for a nagging fear that the child I have inside me now could possibly.. even remotely possibly... be his. Towards the end of the affair, I had protected sex (condom) with the other man one afternoon. I then slept with my husband (unprotected) that same night.

 

Did my calculations, and realised that I had probably ovulated that very day, and now I'm pregnant. My husband and I had just started trying for a child that month, so I was shocked. That was probably only the second time we actually "tried".

 

I would be ELATED if I were 100% sure that it's my husband's child. I had already made up my mind that if I ever got pregnant, that's DEFINITELY the end of the affair. No stepping back anymore. But the problem is... while I'm 100% sure that I had sex with MM that day (it's so much easier to keep track of such things when you know it's wrong), I'm not so sure when I actually did it with my Husband. When I asked him, he says it was that day...but I can't be positively sure.

 

I had even confessed to my obgyn about this because I was going crazy the first few weeks after I found out. She said that the chances of me getting pregnant by MM was slim since we had used a condom. But the problem is 1) I'm not sure when exactly i had sex with husband, 2) even if I did have sex with husband, it was definitely AFTER i had sex with MM, 3) what with all the info I'd googled about condoms breaking at all.

 

MM and I still keep in touch, although affair has long ended. When I asked him whether any "accidents" happened with the condoms (we always used condoms), he said no.

 

The most logical thing, and probably the best thing for all parties, that I can do now is to keep quiet about everything. The truth would kill my husband, and the baby could very well be his. But the guilt is eating me up alive. I have had sleepless nights over the past few months and it's stopping me from getting excited about my pregnancy. However, i tell myself to be strong and to accept all this as retribution. Let me, alone, take the pain for my mistake, and I can't bear for my unborn child or husband to suffer because of me.

 

Dont lie about anything, tell him the truth about everyything you done. Your LIES!!! is gonna end up hurting everyone involved. Youve already done everything wrong in the book. If you really want a true marriage you should be completely open and honest with your husband!!!!

 

Your aint giving him the choice. What happens if your in laws find out the baby aint your husband then they dont have no grandkids. The mm's wife find's out. She's gonna get after you.

 

You need a paternity test. Be honest & open with your husband and with yourself.

 

DO NOT LIE ANYMORE!!!

 

If I was married I would want my wife to tell me, to give me a sense of a choice I have. If I wake up and find out a kid that was mine really wasnt. Real talk. In my mental state at that moment I would have killed everyone! No lie. Or I would have cried and broken down. Or I would have forgiven her for her transgressions. Or I would have took things on a day by day basis depending on if my cheating wife wanted to reconsile, and after a paternity test.

 

God do not screw up more than what you have already done. Dont you want to do the right thing.

 

All that talk about hurting your husband, is a moot point. You've already hurt him by deceiving him and lieing to him about your whereabouts and actions al the while he trusted you.

 

A strong man could forgive you. An even stronger man could forgive you and within time take you back, but you need to tell him the truth keeping secrets of this magnitude kept you here in the first place.

[bestadvisor]

 

The most logical thing, and probably the best thing for all parties, that I can do now is to keep quiet about everything. The truth would kill my husband, and the baby could very well be his. But the guilt is eating me up alive. I have had sleepless nights over the past few months and it's stopping me from getting excited about my pregnancy. However, i tell myself to be strong and to accept all this as retribution. Let me, alone, take the pain for my mistake, and I can't bear for my unborn child or husband to suffer because of me.

 

 

You should come clean for so many reasons....your H deserves to know the truth; you state of mind (guilt) is not healthy for your child inside of you; if you H found out the truth from someone other than you, not only will he NEVER trust you, he is going to hate you for cheating and lying; the list goes on and on.

[indianlover]

Well, mighty sticky situation. Your OBGYN said slim to none - I think she is right. Your mind is clearly playing games with your guilt. I'm willing to bet the child is not the OM's.

 

However, I get the feeling that maybe on some level you want it to be his - maybe give you a reason to leave?

 

Either way, I don't think telling right now is the best option if it causes more stress at home (and on your pregnancy). Besides its early, you may have a miscarriage (I hope not) and you can't do a paternity test until after the baby is born.

 

I think you should eventually tell your H the truth about the affair - but I think it should wait until you can get answers about the baby you are carrying (ie: after birth). Best wishes. IL

[LifesontheUp]

1. Why did you have an affair when you have in your words the best husband a woman could hope for?

 

2. So if the OM wasn't taking you for a ride are you saying you would still be with him?

 

3. Why were you trying to get pregnant at the same time as you were having an affair with the OM?

 

4. Why would you let your husband love and bring up what could an OM's child?

 

5. Paternity test?

 

6. Why are you still in contact with the OM? What happens when he tells you all the things you want to hear at a weak moment and you fall for it again?

 

7. What happens when the OM finds out your pregnant and starts putting two and two together about date?

 

8. What if the child is the OM's? Would you want him to leave his wife for you?

 

As will see from the above questions, you have more than just the paternity of the unborn child to deal with here.

 

I can understand to a degree your reluctance to tell your husband because you are carrying a baby. You may very well be frightened that he will leave you and you will be on your own bringing up your child. But surely after all the lies and deceit you owe it to both your husband and child to know who the father is? Don't let your husband and child grow up thinking they are father and son/daughter when that may not be the case.

 

Own up and take responsiblity for what you did. Get into counselling and get to the bottom of your lies and deceit and why you had an affair in the first place. What struck me about your post is that you tell us you have the best husband.....but somehow that wasn't enough for you. Why is that? Do you really love your husband?

[noforgiveness]

Why on earth would you plan to have a child with one man while having an affair with another?

[torranceshipman]

I'm with noforgiveness on this one...I'm not trying to flame you AT ALL - you have enough on your plate already! - but WHAT kind of logic means you were having an A when you and your H were trying for a baby? I literally have NO clue about this and it seems like complete madness. If things are so bad you are off having an A, why on earth would you be trying to simultaneously start a family?!?

 

You'd offer us a VERY interesting insight into MM/MWs who keep the OW/OM in the picture whilst making these bonds with you partner. Its like MMs I've read about in this forum that get married whilst in the midst of an A, etc. Hope you shed some light on your feelings!

 

And Did you tell the OM that you were trying for a baby-what was his reaction? And if it is his, he has a right to know and the KID has a right to know (but it really sounds like its your H's).

[terrified]

So many questions on why I did why I did. Like I said, if I look back now, I think it was a stupid thing to do and I fully regret my actions. If I can take back everything, I would..

 

In my first post, I didn't quite see the point about offering any kind of explanation about why I had the affair in the first place. Thought it would make the post too long. But well.. here goes.

 

Things weren't rosy between me and H. We had a lot of issues, and I went through a period of about 2 years wondering why we got married in the first place. I was even on the verge of moving out, half-packed and almost ready to go. That was when the affair happened. MM was there.."apparently" having issues with his W too. I had known him for a number of years already, and I didn't feel that he was lying to me. He offered me the consolation and comfort when I needed it. And I guess a part of me did fall for him, although I knew full well that he was never going to leave his W.

 

And strangely, because a part of me was somehow consoled and satisfied..and also with the guilt of actually having a full-blown affair hanging over my head, I somehow managed to look at H through different eyes. I was less impatient with H and I wanted to please him because I was so sorry. And when I gave in, H gave in too. And to be honest, our marriage was much better during the affair than it was before it. We talked more, and we probably had more sex than we did in the 2 yeas before. Somehow I think that's the case for most married pple who are having affairs. Even though, sadly, the happiness was built on lies and deceit.

 

I had put off having children for the longest time because I thought we were going to end up divorced. But with the "recovery" of my marriage, I was willing to try for one. That was also towards the tail end of the affair, and I was really trying to break away from it. But like others before me, it's never so easy to just STOP, because a part of me did feel for him (MM).

 

That afternoon in question with MM was really after I had already stopped seeing him for half a month. He kept calling, and a part of me did miss him, and so we did what we did. But I was feeling so guilty, and that was why I slept with my H that very same night without protection. I felt I needed to give H that bit more than what I gave MM. And in fact, if I remembered correctly, while I was with H that night, I actually said a silent prayer that if I was given a child, I will definitely break away from MM. I felt that the child will give me the strength to do what I wanted to do, but somehow failed miserably. Yes.. pathetic, I know.

 

After I got pregnant, I finally fully saw how great a husband H is, and how good a father he will be, and that was when I knew, 100%, that he is the only man I'll ever want to be with from now on.

 

So, for those who wanted to know why I did such a bizarre thing.. this is why. It might still sound illogical and stupid, but it was really all down to emotions and feelings, and that was all that was going through my mind at that time.

[Chrome Barracuda]

And now that youve had your great epiphany will you tell your husband the truth???

 

He deserves to know everything, not just us.

[Ocean-Blue]

Is it possible to do a paternity test at some point?

 

Your H deserves the truth. What happens if one day (when your child is in her/his teens) and it is revealed that your husband is not the biological father? Not only is this going to damage your marriage, it'll cause some serious emotional and mental harm to your child.

 

You need to be honest for the sake of your unborn child. And you need to find out who the father is!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Is it possible to do a paternity test at some point?

 

Your H deserves the truth. What happens if one day (when your child is in her/his teens) and it is revealed that your husband is not the biological father? Not only is this going to damage your marriage, it'll cause some serious emotional and mental harm to your child.

 

You need to be honest for the sake of your unborn child. And you need to find out who the father is!

 

Also think about the other side of the family, your husband's side. That aint their grandbaby anymore. They have to face the fact that their son's wife is a harlot. No offense. But being honest with your husband as painful as it is. Is not just the right thing. It is the truth. Tell him what you told us.

 

Fors some reason I see remorse in what you wrote. I think that is a good enough chance for reconciliation granted if the baby is your husband's than it solidifes it.

 

Everyman is different who knows what might happen but you gotta live your life in truth.

 

Stop lying. please your potentially hurt alot of people in the end if you do.

[Ocean-Blue]

Also think about the other side of the family, your husband's side. That aint their grandbaby anymore. They have to face the fact that their son's wife is a harlot. No offense. But being honest with your husband as painful as it is. Is not just the right thing. It is the truth. Tell him what you told us.

 

Fors some reason I see remorse in what you wrote. I think that is a good enough chance for reconciliation granted if the baby is your husband's than it solidifes it.

 

Everyman is different who knows what might happen but you gotta live your life in truth.

 

Stop lying. please your potentially hurt alot of people in the end if you do.

 

There is no way to predict how her in-laws or husband will react. Each family/person has their own way of handling such things.

 

What is important here is the health of the unborn child. It is selfish to be dishonest about something of this magnitude.

 

OP, I really hope you find out who the father is before this goes much further. You need to figure out how you are going to handle this...for the baby's sake.

[Leia]

So, for those who wanted to know why I did such a bizarre thing.. this is why. It might still sound illogical and stupid, but it was really all down to emotions and feelings, and that was all that was going through my mind at that time.

 

Yes, truly illogical and stupid. You must tell him because he deserves to know. His your husband and you owe him that much! You might think that what he doesn't know wouldn't hurt him but trust me, things like this will eventually come out. What then? It's better to make things right right now then to wait several years.

 

Paternity test can only be done 12 weeks into pregnancy if I am not mistaken.

[Chrome Barracuda]

There is no way to predict how her in-laws or husband will react. Each family/person has their own way of handling such things.

 

What is important here is the health of the unborn child. It is selfish to be dishonest about something of this magnitude.

 

OP, I really hope you find out who the father is before this goes much further. You need to figure out how you are going to handle this...for the baby's sake.

 

Bull****. If my wife ever pulled a stunt like this my momma would slice off her ti*s!

 

Not only is it aa betrayal to the husband it is a betrayal to the family. Especially if they opened their home for her and welcomed her with open arms. It's gonna hurt everyone around no doubt about it blue.

 

Yeah the health of the baby is paramount but then again...

[Ocean-Blue]

Bull****. If my wife ever pulled a stunt like this my momma would slice off her ti*s!

 

Not only is it aa betrayal to the husband it is a betrayal to the family. Especially if they opened their home for her and welcomed her with open arms. It's gonna hurt everyone around no doubt about it blue.

 

Yeah the health of the baby is paramount but then again...

 

Well that is how your mother would react. I don't think it's very productive to predict how others will react to such a situation. There is no point in her worrying about how others will react - if anything, it'll deter her from revealing the truth. The deed is done, now she needs to figure out what to do.

 

She knows she cheated. Now she is struggling with what to do. You really think telling her she may get her "ti*s" sliced off is going to help?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Well that is how your mother would react. I don't think it's very productive to predict how others will react to such a situation. There is no point in her worrying about how others will react - if anything, it'll deter her from revealing the truth. The deed is done, now she needs to figure out what to do.

 

She knows she cheated. Now she is struggling with what to do. You really think telling her she may get her "ti*s" sliced off is going to help?

 

 

LOL. I'm just saying what my mom's could possibly do, I aint saying she'd do it!

 

I aint trying to deter her from telling the truth. But I dont play kiddie gloves on this site alot of times. Sometimes people need to feel the truth whether they want to or not. Yeah she cheated but the situation hasn't been resolved.

 

We still have a dillema here.

 

I actually want her to tell her husband the truth. Because it's his life too. and also she'll never truly have a marriage based on love and trust if she's never honest. Their whole marriage will be a complete lie. I couldnt live like that. Not for one second.

[Ocean-Blue]

LOL. I'm just saying what my mom's could possibly do, I aint saying she'd do it!

 

I aint trying to deter her from telling the truth. But I dont play kiddie gloves on this site alot of times. Sometimes people need to feel the truth whether they want to or not. Yeah she cheated but the situation hasn't been resolved.

 

We still have a dillema here.

 

I actually want her to tell her husband the truth. Because it's his life too. and also she'll never truly have a marriage based on love and trust if she's never honest. Their whole marriage will be a complete lie. I couldnt live like that. Not for one second.

 

I think it's wise for her to tell her husband the truth as well. However, the paternity of the child is what is priority right now. There is no point in scaring her husband and making things unnecessarily messy. She needs to figure out who the father is and then take it from there.

 

That said, even if the child turns out to be her H's, the OP owes it to the vows she took (the marriage contract both as a legal promise and a social, personal promise) to be honest with her H.

 

OP, I hope you find the strength to do the right thing. No one can fully understand your situation. All we can do is provide you with insight and perspective that is different from yours to help you see this from various angles. The decision is ultimately up to you - but remember, your husband DESERVES the truth. Do not fool him. Don't make a mockery of marriage and trust by keeping him in the dark.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree. But the whole paternity thing is a rather nerve wracking within herself. How many months can she wait until her neveres start to rattle. I mean it must be torture living that way.

 

My thing is get it out all on the table that way youll be better suited to deal with it when the time comes. The sooner the better, you do not wait.

 

If the baby is the husband's because she did a paternity test behind his back do you really think she would tell him?

 

No harm, no foul right?

[Ocean-Blue]

I agree. But the whole paternity thing is a rather nerve wracking within herself. How many months can she wait until her neveres start to rattle. I mean it must be torture living that way.

 

My thing is get it out all on the table that way youll be better suited to deal with it when the time comes. The sooner the better, you do not wait.

 

If the baby is the husband's because she did a paternity test behind his back do you really think she would tell him?

 

No harm, no foul right?

 

The paternity of the child and telling her husband are two separate issues. She must find out who the father is AND tell her H the truth (this is the moral, honest thing to do). Obviously, what she decides to do is ultimately up to her (and her conscience).

 

OP, you can find info on procedures for paternity testing during pregnancy (there are many sources of information available). Make an appointment with a doctor and discuss your options/the route to take. From the brief reading I just did, you can determine paternity via aminocentesis (they use a needle to remove the amniotic fluid from your uterus) or they can take a tiny sample of your placenta for testing (via needle or catheter). Each process carries a risk, etc.

 

Talk to your doctor!

[LifesontheUp]

After I got pregnant, I finally fully saw how great a husband H is, and how good a father he will be, and that was when I knew, 100%, that he is the only man I'll ever want to be with from now on.

 

So, for those who wanted to know why I did such a bizarre thing.. this is why. It might still sound illogical and stupid, but it was really all down to emotions and feelings, and that was all that was going through my mind at that time.

 

I know its not easy being pregnant with stress......been there and ended up in hospital with high blood pressure. You need to make a start here at being truthful and come clean to your husband. You cannot let him go on thinking any longer that you are carrying his child when you may not. Then....VERY IMPORTANT....you need to get into counselling for everyones sake including your unborn child.

 

You see, IMHO, I'm not sure that you really love your husband as your epiphany came after you found out you were pregnant with all those pregnancy hormones going around in you. So I'll ask again why are you still in contact with the other man and if he wanted to make a go of things with you, would you? I ask because it seems to me that it only ended cause your OM wasn't serious. If he was then would you have left your husband?

[LifesontheUp]

OP, you can find info on procedures for paternity testing during pregnancy (there are many sources of information available). Make an appointment with a doctor and discuss your options/the route to take. From the brief reading I just did, you can determine paternity via aminocentesis (they use a needle to remove the amniotic fluid from your uterus) or they can take a tiny sample of your placenta for testing (via needle or catheter). Each process carries a risk, etc.

 

Talk to your doctor!

 

This does carry a risk of losing the baby and is usually done to check for genetic birth defects. I was offered one in case I was carrying a downs syndrome baby. You have to weigh up the risks but IMHO I would wait until after your baby is born rather than take the risk of mis-carrying.

[Leia]

Exactly. And I was reprimanded for doing just that. I think people ought to put as much thought into conceiving a child as they do into what kind of house they are going to buy, what color car they want to drive and whether or not they look good enough in an outfit to spend a week's pay on it.

 

I agree... sadly, you don't see that happening. As for this situation, it's repulsive. Cheating is repulsive. I don't understand how one can have sex with another person when he/she is married. Leave the marriage THEN have sex with other people. If that's not easy to do then just DON'T HAVE SEX with other people.

[NoIDidn't]

In the States, you can now get an at-home paternity test at most drug stores.

 

If it turns out to be her H's child, I don't think she should tell him - at least not right away. Men have strong feelings and reactions concerning their children. To find out so soon that she ever doubted the paternity would be like asking him to pummel her.

 

But on the flip side, men don't like being lied to for long periods of time either.

 

Its a tough call either way.

[torranceshipman]

Thanks for telling us more about the situation you're in - I was particularly interested about what you said re: your M and sex life being the best it ever was because of the A. That's a HUGE reason for OWs to go NC if ever I saw one...looks like being in the A actually can give the MM/MW a much happier home life and cement them even more in their M!

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for telling us more about the situation you're in - I was particularly interested about what you said re: your M and sex life being the best it ever was because of the A. That's a HUGE reason for OWs to go NC if ever I saw one...looks like being in the A actually can give the MM/MW a much happier home life and cement them even more in their M!

 

And that's true whether it was an EA or a PA.

 

The MP has to release that sexual tension somewhere. And usually its with the one they are with - at home.

 

But there is a price to be paid once the betrayed finds out "thats" why s/he has been so frisky lately. Pi$$ed doesn't seem strong enough.

 

On topic, I don't know if telling her H is the right thing for now. Hopefully the baby is his. If not, I don't think he will knowingly want to raise another man's child.