4givrnt4gtr Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 So i was reading this thread about a guy whose gf past troubles him. That made me think about my own past, and how i often leave things that ashame me out. I dont feel the necessity to tell my bf about them because, other than being stupid mistakes and making me ashamed i made them, they had no other consequences. (as in Ive been tested several times for illnesses, and everything is fine). So im wondering. Is it really necessary to spill every little secret to the person you are with? I dont expect him to do so, and I dont push the issue, but apparently if you dont then...you're being dishonest? I personally rather have bygones be bygones and forget about them. I know its not likely that he'll find out about them. But now im wondering if its better to come clean with it...to tell him how many guys ive really been with....(its not really that many...but i REALLY dont like to think about the ones that I slept with when I was younger to prove that I wasnt as innocent as people thought i was....yes. stupid.) what do you guys think? should I come clean or let sleeping dogs lie?
Trialbyfire Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 If a guy doesn't have enough money to pay for dinner on his first date with her, I think he should be upfront about it, before the bill arrives. Disclosure is good.
Jilly Bean Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Though I don't condone lying, I also don't see the point of full-disclosure. There are many things I have done in my past that I wouldn't want anyone new to judge me by. They were my errors, my mistakes, and for me to experience and reconcile. I don't need someone looking at me differently for finding out I had a MMF three-way, or any other assortment of things I have done. Again, though I don't lie, I also think an omission of truth is not quite the same. That being said, things from your past that relevant, should definitely be shared - ie. children, ex-spouses, etc. If it is something that can affect your new partner today, then they deserve to know.
jerbear Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 That made me think about my own past, and how i often leave things that ashame me out. I dont feel the necessity to tell my bf about them because, other than being stupid mistakes and making me ashamed i made them, they had no other consequences. (as in Ive been tested several times for illnesses, and everything is fine). The past is the past, some things are best kept for later conversations. So im wondering. Is it really necessary to spill every little secret to the person you are with? I dont expect him to do so, and I dont push the issue, but apparently if you dont then...you're being dishonest? I personally rather have bygones be bygones and forget about them. I know its not likely that he'll find out about them. Not all secrets or issues at once, we guys can only take in one thing at a day per day. Honestly it takes time to learn about each other. "True love' or whatever you view it; is a two way street of accepting each other for who they are, secrets and all. But now im wondering if its better to come clean with it...to tell him how many guys ive really been with....(its not really that many...but i REALLY dont like to think about the ones that I slept with when I was younger to prove that I wasnt as innocent as people thought i was....yes. stupid.) what do you guys think? should I come clean or let sleeping dogs lie? When the time comes you can say "none of your business and the number is NNN" then let him make the choice. You have to feel comfortable tellhing him, even if it is to say I'm uncomforable telling you. Some issues like I went thru an abortion or put a baby up for adoption, are some things I would like to know. We all make choices in life and some people can't handle the truth. Just take your time and use your judgement.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 That being said, things from your past that relevant, should definitely be shared - ie. children, ex-spouses, etc. If it is something that can affect your new partner today, then they deserve to know. I agree, and no, my secrets arent that big really...honestly what I dont want to talk about is two one night stands I shouldnt have had, and sleeping with a man who could care less about me, and doing so knowingly. I dont really want to talk about it....but I also dont want that to come back to bite me in the ass later in life if my current relationship does go somewhere. He knows about my "real" relationships...but he doesnt know about these three other men....eeeehhh i should have been more honest from the get go huh....
Lizzie60 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 No.. nooooo.. NO.. NOOOOOOOO I will never ever tell anyone about my past (last 6 years anyway) because this is my own little dirty secret. It's no one's business... So I say do NOT divulge any secrets that you feel ashamed ... it's yours.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 When the time comes you can say "none of your business and the number is NNN" then let him make the choice. You have to feel comfortable tellhing him, even if it is to say I'm uncomforable telling you. Some issues like I went thru an abortion or put a baby up for adoption, are some things I would like to know. We all make choices in life and some people can't handle the truth. Just take your time and use your judgement. Yeah i gotcha...its just that... i guess when he asked at the beginning i should have been a bit more vague instead of acknowledging the men im ok with and not talking about the ones Im not.... I guess now im gonna have to take it, if it comes down to it, for not talking about the other men....but i guess im going to let that conversation come up much later...when, and if, thigns get more serious...
CD111 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I definitely don't suggest sitting him down and spilling everything you have done in your past. LOL. I also think a person shouldn't be ashamed of what they have done in the past. I always consider my little mistakes a learning experience. Really, who hasn't done anything stupid or something they are not proud of. Just because you did those things before doesn't mean you are doing them now and if people are going to judge you for that then they should closely examine their own lives. I personally have definitely kept secrets for a while, sometimes, I just wasn't ready to talk about them, but, eventually the truth came out and you know what. Everything was ok, my guy definitely didn't flip out actually it brought us closer because my disclosure signified that I trusted him. Since you have posted this as a concern it's obviously bothering you and maybe you should tell him when the time is right. Having two one night stands and sleeping with a guy just to get laid and prove something is really NO BIG DEAL. So what do you do? Tell him when the time is right for you, make no big deal of it when you do and at the end maybe tell him what you learned from it. The less you freak out about it the less he will think it's a big issue. Good Luck
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