Looking for some perspective

[jackpickle]

This site has really helped to read, so I'm hoping that sharing my own situation might possibly give me some perspective. I've been married 2 1/2 years to a wonderful woman. She is kind, nurturing, caring, attractive and a truly "good" person. She can be selfish, careless and lazy, but she has a huge heart and is very considerate and emphathetic. The problem is that the spark has gone out of our relationship. I don't know when it left, it's probably been a couple of years. (We dated and lived together for several years before getting married.)

 

I don't think this is her fault. In fact, if anything, it may be more mine. I travel a lot for work (I'm in sales) and my hours are long and grueling. Because my wife decided - after we got married - that she didn't want to work, I have put in extra time and worked double jobs over the past couple of years so we could afford all the things that she wanted (a nice house, nice cars, etc.). Because sales positions like mine are never guaranteed, and are bonus based, I've also worked extra over the past three years hoping to save enough for a rainy day so if the economy does affect my position, we wouldn't have to struggle, particularly since she doesn't work.

 

We don't have any children, but both she and I had planned to start a family, and since she is approaching her mid 30's, it's something we wanted to do relatively soon.

 

I am not as nurturing or physically demonstrative as she is, but she says that I make her feel very loved. I try hard to anticipate what she wants and what would make her happy and give her as much as I can all the time. In some ways, she had an unhappy childhood and I try to make up for that as much as I can. She has also had a lot of financial responsibility problems that have been hard to handle and have forced me to handle almost everything alone. Massive credit card debt, no ability to control spending or finances, bounced checks, etc. I give her credit cards so she can buy everything she wants, and I've never said no to anything, but I know that if someone has to balance our finances or plan for taxes or anything like that (she didn't even know how to fill out a tax return), that's going to have to fall on me. I also know that she is not going to clean the house, so we have a housecleaner and someone to help her with cooking and a yard person. She hates doing anything like that, and truly, I would rather hire someone than listen to her complain about it. Her shopping is harder to control, and it has taken me four years to pay off the massive credit card debt she came into the marriage with (about $60,000) and try to keep her finances under control (thousands of dollars each month that she spends on clothing, magazines, cell phone bills, restaurants, etc.). No matter how many times I talk to her about this, she just seems incapable of controlling her spending. It has gotten to the point where it is a full person's salary each year that I have to make up through work just to cover her monthly credit card bills.

 

One of our biggest differences is our work ethic. She is a very short term thinker, and for example, loves living in a nice place but would never plan or do any work to achieve this. If we have to cut back a little in one area one month or undergo the discomfort of fixing something that is partly broken, she would rather keep things the way they are. She's not very ambitious or goal-oriented, and I don't think this is worse, just different, but sometimes it makes it hard to relate to each other. She also doesn't like to read or focus on anything besides pop culture (despite trust funds when she was young that she squandered, she never finished college, though she tells everyone she has a degree from a prestigious East Coast school). I love learning new things, and I wish I could share this with her, but I wind up having to discuss anything beyond tabloid matters with friends from work, because she has no interest. I also really like making our home and surroundings nice, but I don't think she appreciates it very much. She is also very moody, and tends to be critical of me, I think without realizing it. She means well, and I know she loves me, but she is one of those people who says things without thinking about what she is saying. Her comments about my losing some of my hair and gaining some weight since we met have made me self-conscious with her in the bedroom.

 

A few months ago, I began confiding and becoming closer to a work colleague. It developed into an affair that I never intended to have. I have told my wife about some of it, but not all of it, because I am very afraid of hurting her (but maybe that is just a rationalization). I have confessed to her that I am falling in love with this colleague and that I have doubts about our marriage. I have tried talking to my wife about some of my issues in the past but I have never been able to get her to take them seriously or make any changes. Finally, when I told her about the affair, she has started to realize that I am serious and says that she is ready to change.

 

I think a lot of the problem has been that it is hard for me to feel romantically about my wife. I care about her deeply, and I feel like the world's biggest jerk for having strayed. I know it hurts her, and I hate myself for doing this. I know she would never do this to me. She says she still loves me and feels just like she did when we got married. I have to wonder, though, if that can be the case? We never kiss, we never have sex and the rare times we do, there is no feeling of intimacy. We don't talk except about the day to day things, and I feel more like a parent to her than a lover or spouse. She usually just agrees with whatever I say. I know that part of my attraction to my colleague is the thrill of feeling in an equal relationship with a partner, instead of a parental one, and being with someone I respect and can relate to. I respect what a wonderful person my wife is, but I honestly have a hard time respecting how she lives her life and her lack of ambition and interests. Even now, she wants to work things out, but I feel that it is because she fears the unknown and wants to cling to me rather than because she really loves me and thinks we have a future together.

 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a marriage that feels more like a parenting relationship than a marriage. I would happily support my wife for the rest of her life. I want her to be safe and cared for. I just feel that I have been sublimating or ignoring some of my own desires in our marriage.

 

We have talked over various options. One is staying together while doing couples therapy. Another is a temporary separation. I have to admit that I am reluctant to give up the relationship with my colleague. I feel like for the first time in years, I have someone to talk to and someone with whom I have some emotional outlet, someone who understands me and accepts me completely. I also feel like I am learning to be intimate with another human being in a way that I have never felt before, including at any point in my marriage. I have never felt this sense of passion and desire as I do. It's like it's opened a whole new world for me. And part of me feels like that could be a real relationship, though I hate to abandon my marriage. Part of me also feels that it is teaching me skills and a way of interacting that I hate to lose. When my wife and I fight, for example, she usually storms out or leaves. With my colleague, I've learned for the first time in my life how to discuss something, even something difficult, without doing that. No matter how hard it is, we stay in the room together and we talk about how the other feels, and even if we haven't resolved it, it feels so good and close to have such a constructive relationship. I also feel like my colleague's acceptance and love have made me feel like a different person. Suddenly, I feel like I am tapping into a more nuturing, caring person than I've ever been, whereas, strangely, with my wife, I go back to feeling like I am somehow limited to the person I've been in our relationship.

 

Maybe this is completely selfish, but I don't know what I would pick at this point if forced to choose. Morally, I feel that I should give it up and focus on the marriage, but I also feel like I'd regret it deeply later. My heart hates the thought of leaving the affair. Either way, I do know that I want to try to figure things out now - before we have kids. My colleague is single and has urged me to leave and have a relationship with her. She claims she has never felt this way before and wants to plan a life together, but I know that it is hard to know anything real after only a few months.

 

Any suggestions? You guys don't have to tell me what a jerk I am. I know that. I have decided no matter what to seek individual therapy so I can work on my problems.

[amaysngrace]

Everything happens for a reason you know.

 

You have outgrown your wife. She's still the same girl you married with the same mentality it sounds like. I wouldn't have children with her unless you don't mind your kids being raised by a kid.

 

I don't know why you would want to marry someone you have to take care of they way you take care of your wife. Are you a chronic rescuer or something? Because that's sort of what it sounds like. You do sound like her dad. Why did you sign up for that?

 

As far as the affair goes...you really should close one chapter of your life before opening another.

[jackpickle]

Well, when we first started seeing each other, she was living on her own and had a job and seemed like she had it together. I only found out much later that she had been using the last bits of her trust fund to pay for things and racking up credit card debt to pay for the rest. I loved her so much that I thought, well, I do enjoy my job, so why should I worry if I have to work a little extra to support her? She also seemed like she had more interests then, but since we've been married, it seems like less and less has interested her. I do think she would be a great mother in the sense that she is a very caring person from moment to moment, the kind who would always hug her children and tell them they were loved and listen to their stories. She is wonderful that way. She says now that she is going to turn over a new leaf. I just wonder if that's even possible?

[jello73]

God, I can relate to your situation. I've been married for a couple of years to a man who is great in so many ways. I really love him. But I also feel like I've been "taking care" of him for a long time now. He always wanted to be an artist all his life, so I encouraged him when we got married to leave his job and focus on becoming a full-time artist. I thought that he would really take these steps, because it would be a good opportunity and I wanted to help him achieve his lifelong dreams. Well, three years into it, I realized that he seemed to have no intention of doing anything. He didn't send anything anywhere, didn't return the few forms from galleries who said they would take his work, etc. He told me that he had really wanted just to create art but not have to make a living at it (e.g. do the marketing and less pleasurable parts involved). I was so angry because we'd been having talks for 18 months about him doing more. I work like crazy to support our lifestyle, and like you, I have hired a housecleaner, farm workers, a cook, a gardener, etc. so he doesn't have to lift a finger and can just focus on his artwork. I've built beautiful art studios and bought him all the computer and video equipment he said he ever wanted. He wanted horses, I bought him horses. He racked up $45k of credit card debt, I paid it all off. He's never learned to balance a checkbook. I had to give him a separate account because of him bouncing checks and put money in it for him. I had to give him a credit card without a limit because he can't keep track of money. Last year's credit card bills: over $50,000. People think that we're wealthy, but we aren't - I work my butt off and have worked 70-80 hours a week for the past few years to try to support us.

 

It's not the money I care about - like you, it's the feeling that I am taking care of someone. I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I'm almost 34 years old and want to have children, but I'm seriously second guessing whether this is going to be the relationship for the rest of my life in which I want to have them. In my current relationship, I am going to have to work for the rest of my life. There is no partner to whom I could turn if something happened to me to support us or pay the bills or balance the checkbook. And like you, I have also been having intimacy problems and am torn between the "right thing to do" and what my emotional self wants. I read online that people in this situation can wind up having "split self affairs." I'm not at the point yet of leaving my husband for another man, but I have to admit that when I see the attractive, responsible, intelligent men around me professionally, I wonder what I'm doing wrong.

[bestadvisor]

Statistically speaking, chances of an affair turn into a long term relationship or marriage is near zero, even if the strayed spouse "feel" no love for his/her spouse and wanted to be with the OM/OW and the OM/OW feel the "strong connection" too. In your case, you still have feelings for your wife, your "relationship" with this OM will never work out....well, almost never, something like 98% or so.

 

Why you ask, it's just statistics and the there are many reasons behind, future trust issues on both sides...she won't trust you because what you did to your former wife and you won't trust her because she was willing to sleep with a married man. Other than that, there is the guilt mainly on your side and maybe even on her side if she is a decent person. Then the regret/looking back at the good times you have with your wife, not to mention ouside forces, judgement from family, friends, etc. etc, etc. All these will add pressure to your affair and it won't work out.

 

Think about it, at the end of the day, will you be happy with yourself knowing what you did to your wife? Instead of running away, why no try to work hard to improve your current situation? You have at least some love left for your wife, don't you?

[jackpickle]

bestadvisor, thanks so much. I've read the same statistics - 1-3%. I do have a friend, however, who wound up marrying the OM, and it has been a 14 year marriage that seems quite happy for both. So I know it's possible, but yes, I know odds are against it. I read one study on infidelity that suggested it's just this "impossibility" factor that makes affairs misleadingly exciting for the participants, distorting their view of what is best.

 

I do love my wife as in I care about her. I don't know honestly if we have moved too far apart and if I could ever have the kind of romantic relationship with her that I've experienced with the OW. Honestly, I didn't even know that existed. I was reading the Passionate Marriage and the description of "wall socket sex" is what I have been having with her for the first time in my life. I just don't feel that connection with my wife. Is it possible to regain this even where you feel like you've grown so far apart from the other person? Is this settling, and if so, is settling something one should do because of the marriage? I just wonder if I might have some serious regrets in a few years if I stay in the marriage because of the feeling of obligation and we have kids and both of us wind up even more disconnected several years from now. Have people out there regained so much when they've grown this far apart that they have been able to put together an incredible relationship that lasts several years later?

[whichwayisup]

she was living on her own and had a job

 

So, while you were working and making lots of money, what was she doing other than shopping and spending too much? It seems she lost who SHE was somewhere along the way...

 

Anyway, if you love her and she still loves you, get to marriage counselling, try to recapture that passion again. Obviously it was there at some point in time, right?

 

Put eachother first, and give it a shot. If it doesn't work, atleast you'll know you tried your best.

[bestadvisor]

bestadvisor, thanks so much. I've read the same statistics - 1-3%. I do have a friend, however, who wound up marrying the OM, and it has been a 14 year marriage that seems quite happy for both. So I know it's possible, but yes, I know odds are against it. I read one study on infidelity that suggested it's just this "impossibility" factor that makes affairs misleadingly exciting for the participants, distorting their view of what is best.

 

You don't know everything that's going on behind closed doors. You don't know how hard they work or if they are really that happy. They may seem happy, or they put up a show and are actually stucked. Or, they could be the 2%. Ask yourself this question, if there is no OW, would you leave your wife right now? What would you do to fix it? Do that.

 

Remember, your relationship with OW will always be tainted and taboo. Do you really want to be part of that for the rest of your life and carrying the guilt for year and years to come. Do the right thing, break it off with OW right now and work on your marriage.

[jackpickle]

In reading over everyone's replies, and also some of the heart-wrenching stories on this forum, I think you are all right. I am going to do marriage counseling and see if we can recover what we once had, and I have broken things off with the OW. I have let her know that I think she is amazing and wonderful, but I would always have second thoughts and I already feel a tremendous amount of guilt and owe it to my marriage to put that first and try to work it out. I have also taken myself off all sales trips that would involve seeing her or interacting with her in any way. I also agree with you, best advisor, that I don't want relationships mixed. I should find out if I can make the marriage work. I have found an individual therapist and a marriage counselor and have started sessions with both, and I have ordered a ton of books and reading Divorce Busters and some of the others. I am determined at least to know that I am giving this my best.

 

Here's my next question for everyone: What do I tell my wife? How much detail do I give her? I have told her that I developed inappropriate feelings for the OW and had an emotional affair, but I have never told her that we were involved sexually. Do I come clean and tell her everything, even painful details, in the interests of working it out? I have read some accounts on here, one by Dazednconfused, where it seemed to be fatal where the WS tells only portions here and ther and leaves the truth to dribble out over the years. I don't want that. I have also read accounts where the visuals of the betrayal haunt the BS for years, even decades. I am absolutely confident that she would never find out, because it happened so few times and the OW does not live in our community and is not bitter or angry at all (and I know her well enough that she would never tell). Would you rather know or not know? I have been selfish enough in my actions, and I have read postings advocating both telling and not telling. I don't want to act selfishly any more. What is the right thing to do, tell her everything or leave it as it is?

[bestadvisor]

Your W has the right to know the truth. It's her marriage too; it's her story too; it's her life too. She deserve not to be kept in the dark. If you really want a good marriage in the future, honesty is the best policy. Will she be hurt? Will it be hard for her and you? Will it take months or even years to completely recover? Yes to tall.

 

It would what people call a "false recovery" if you only tell half the truth and that amount to a lie. Your marriage counselor is not going to fully help you and your wife out if details such as a full blown affari is left out. Do you want to try to rebuild your marriage on a lie?