shadowplay Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I know some of you may not believe me based on past posts, but I really do love my boyfriend, a great deal. Last night he fell asleep in my arms and I was so overcome with emotion as I watched him doze (he looked incredibly sweet and beautiful). I thought to myself that this is the man I want to someday marry. I love everything about him -- his soft, intelligent green eyes, the way his face crinkles when he smiles, his concealed innocence and vulnerability, his voice.... The problem is I'm grippled with fear that he will get sick of me if I see him too often. I have this idea that the more time you spend with a person, the less they appreciate you. Our weekends together tend to start out passionate and exciting and they mostly stay that way until the very last day. Sunday he drives me home and we have lunch together. I notice that on Sunday he's usually less affectionate, and I think it's because he's desensitized to my presence by spending so much time with me in the days before. I too feel a bit numb come Sunday, but I can't tell if saturation is to blame or I'm just reacting to his slight distance. At these times I know intellectually that I love him, but I can't feel it. It's so frustrating. I touch his hand and feel nothing. I want so desperately to reach him and feel that connection, but can't. Right now we're long distance but I'm concerned once we're living in the same city and seeing each other frequently our relationship will fall apart. I guess I create drama and reasons to keep him at arm's length because I don't want to spoil our love with overexposure. I"m starting to wonder if it's even possible to see somebody all the time and maintain real love. People say infatuation dies and gives way to a deeper, more meaningful connection, but I'm not sure if that's even true. I suspect it's more a deadening of sensation. You cease to feel anything much for the other person when you're around them. You no longer feel that warmth when you hold their hand. Only when they are pulled away from you do you feel anything but because you've grown used to them and dependent on their affection. It's as if they become a stranger to you because you no longer really see them. The same way you tire of a song and no longer really hear the notes.
In_thespurofthe_mome Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I believe true love can never die. Yes, it may sleep, maybe for a time, but you must still cherish and care for it, despite how tough times may be. I'm almost the same way...I would hate for my SO to become sick of me. But you know what? Life is just that way. Break ups just happen, love just happens, everything is unpredictable. I just hope for the very best, smile and try and do my best each day and hopefully.. it will be enough. Good luck! p.s. I love green eyes hehe
oppath Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I notice that on Sunday he's usually less affectionate, and I think it's because he's desensitized to my presence by spending so much time with me in the days before. I too feel a bit numb come Sunday, but I can't tell if saturation is to blame or I'm just reacting to his slight distance. At these times I know intellectually that I love him, but I can't feel it. It's so frustrating. I touch his hand and feel nothing. I want so desperately to reach him and feel that connection, but can't. It's really natural to feel this way after a lot of time together, but then knowing you will spend time apart. In relationships, it is always good to take an hour or two away even if you spend all weekend together. I've always tried to do this with ex gf's, even if it is as simple as me going running or them going to run errands before we reconvene. With a LDR, I understand, this is more difficult. That sunday feeling, however, is normal. You've just spent a bunch of time together without space, so you are a bit exhausted, but then you have the conflict of each other leaving. It is a confusing mixture of emotions and I wouldn't look too far into it.
CD111 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 He may also be distant on Sunday because he knows you have to leave and he won't get to see you at all for the next 5 days. He may be preparing himself for the that. My ex used to do that.
Trialbyfire Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 shadowplay, if you think about it, it's rare that even married people spend 24/7 together. I think you also need your own life, some downtime, etc. It's a little different when you're first seeing each other because you're still trying to get to know who they are, particularly in an LDR but more often than not, things start to settle down after awhile. If things start to settle too much after the first six months, you may want to ask why. As for being desensitized after an entire weekend of making out and affection, come on, be realistic. Even twenty-somethings have limitations to their need to procreate.
Dynamo Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 He may also be distant on Sunday because he knows you have to leave and he won't get to see you at all for the next 5 days. He may be preparing himself for the that. My ex used to do that. I was thinking this too. Maybe he's just sad your going. Or he could just be tired, like physically exaughsted. I wouldn't worry about it!
Kamille Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Hi Shadow, I keep coming back to this thread and I've been trying to post something to it for awhile but I just couldn't seem to figure out what I wanted to say. But this morning it hit me: I'm wondering if you realize that by keeping some distance and constantly worrying about the future you are perhaps missing out on a love that could be deeper then anything you've known so far. I wonder why you resist the possibility that love can be confortable and remain exciting. Hell, the confort is what I find most exciting. It's discovering you can be yourself, really yourself, and the person still loves you to bits that I find amazing. Also, on practical terms, your point of view makes me wonder 1) what kind of relationship your parents had/have and 2) where you situate your own desire for a family in all this. I know you're still young and are likely not thinking about children, but maybe it would hepl for you to imagine what kind of relationship you would need if one day you have children. Surely emotional distance figures nowhere in it. Infatuation is passion and love is strenght. I don't think one excludes the other necessarly and I don't think passion ever has to die. Practical actions can insure the passion doesn't die, such as taking time for each other, celebrating each other's successes, doing little romantic things for each other. Passion doesn't solely in the realm of unsatisfied desires. I gave in to my boyfriend's passion and maybe it won't last - but right now I am getting such a thrill from how good it feels to be on the same page with somebody that the future doesn't even matter. (I've also been broken hearted before, and I know I get over it). I also feel like I would have missed out on a lot if I had insisted on keeping my distance in order to keep things exciting. Love is knowing that your happiness and well-being is a priority to the person you love. It's knowing that if there is a problem they will want to work on it with you.
Cobra_X30 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I"m starting to wonder if it's even possible to see somebody all the time and maintain real love. I cant tell you anything that will take away your fears. That is a truth you will have to discover on your own. I will tell you this. What you feel is incorrect, you are allowing your self esteem issues to get in the way. Are you so unworthy that you cannot believe he can love you? He see's you the same way you see him! Not the way you see yourself. Love is not just some ephemeral emotion. Holding onto to that is like trying to grasp smoke, the harder you try the more it will vanish.
ahah2322 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 KamilleHi Shadow, I keep coming back to this thread and I've been trying to post something to it for awhile but I just couldn't seem to figure out what I wanted to say. But this morning it hit me: I'm wondering if you realize that by keeping some distance and constantly worrying about the future you are perhaps missing out on a love that could be deeper then anything you've known so far. I wonder why you resist the possibility that love can be confortable and remain exciting. Hell, the confort is what I find most exciting. It's discovering you can be yourself, really yourself, and the person still loves you to bits that I find amazing. Also, on practical terms, your point of view makes me wonder 1) what kind of relationship your parents had/have and 2) where you situate your own desire for a family in all this. I know you're still young and are likely not thinking about children, but maybe it would hepl for you to imagine what kind of relationship you would need if one day you have children. Surely emotional distance figures nowhere in it. Infatuation is passion and love is strenght. I don't think one excludes the other necessarly and I don't think passion ever has to die. Practical actions can insure the passion doesn't die, such as taking time for each other, celebrating each other's successes, doing little romantic things for each other. Passion doesn't solely in the realm of unsatisfied desires. I gave in to my boyfriend's passion and maybe it won't last - but right now I am getting such a thrill from how good it feels to be on the same page with somebody that the future doesn't even matter. (I've also been broken hearted before, and I know I get over it). I also feel like I would have missed out on a lot if I had insisted on keeping my distance in order to keep things exciting. Love is knowing that your happiness and well-being is a priority to the person you love. It's knowing that if there is a problem they will want to work on it with you. kamille made many apt points. i think you should re-examine yourself. why are you always so somber and pessimistic?
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