BurriedAlive Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I just thought I would share this story with you all given its relevance to all our stories. Although I am sure this will only give the BS fuel for their arguments. In any event, here it goes.... I have been for the past few days attending my 48 year old aunt's funeral. She died last week after a year long battle with cancer. Approximately 6 or 7 years ago, my uncle had an affair on her. I don't know the explicit details of their story given that when it was going on, I didn't have the vested interest I have now, only that of a concerned family member. Anyway, my A & U had been together 18 years or so when my uncle had an affair with the girl who was renting my grandmother's house across the street from A&U. My A&U had tried unsuccessfully for years to have a baby. My U had said that he liked that OW had such a cute little boy. I guess this would be consistent with the needs theory where OW meets some of MM's needs while W meets others... I am not sure how long it went on before it ended but MM had already broken up with OW when D day came along.... W found love letters (hello, email anyone??) down in MM's shop that OW had written. W threw MM out of the house and they separated for several months. OW had already moved to another town so I don't think NC was a problem (especially where emails and texting weren't involved, lol). Now I have only heard secondhand things that MM had said about the A and why it had happened, etc... and one of the questions I had was why had my U not destroyed these love letters? Anyway, they eventually got back together as they had decided to work on their marriage. Well, a year ago, my A was diagnosed with lung cancer and had agressive chemo and radiation treatment that didn't work since she then developed brain and bone cancer that ultimately caused her death. Through it all my uncle was at her side 24/7 and did EVERYTHING he possibly could to help her fight. This included getting her the best doctors and being her support. But during this whole battle, he often cried to his family how guilty he felt for cheating on her years ago. So anyway, the point to this whole thread is that in this case, MM eventually paid indirectly for his actions. I don't know the whole story and what the circumstances were with OW or W but in the end, I bet if you asked his OW, she would probably say he got what he deserved. Obviously, I don't think that - he is my uncle and I love him. Also, I often think about what his poor W did to deserve him cheating on her in the first place and then having to loose that awful battle for her life. These are the thoughts that have been going around in my head for the past 5 days... So what do you all think about this????
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I have to say, I am sorry for your loss. I lost two aunts to cancer, and my father as well. One aunt had lung cancer and so did my father. Gaawwd, cancer sucks!! I am glad you told this story, hopefully it will open eyes and those involved in affairs now will stop and think, both OW/OM, MM/MW, maybe each will see how much pain goes around and can last for years to come, even when the A is over.
Gwyneth Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. I recently lost an aunt too. Tragedy happens in every family to every person, so I don't think this is some kind of personal attack to either your aunt or uncle. I think it's just one of life's natural patterns (death). I'm sure your Uncle feels guilty, but it took his wife to illness and death for him to realize this? That's pretty shallow, to say the least. I'm sure he was guilty all along, but it really hit him hard when death was present. I still do not think your aunt's illness / death represents your uncle's affair. Innocent people deal with these illnesses every day.
frannie Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I'm sorry for the loss of your Auntie, and for your Uncle. What I think of the story is that I don't believe in any concepts of karma or divine retribution or any of those things. Certainly, life is a balance of opposites in our eyes, but to attach value-judgements to those events by calling things 'bad' or 'good' and assuming that these things will be revenged in some way just isn't in accordance with nature. It's a very human way of looking at life, a way to make sense of and feel better about the world. But it's not reality.
Lizzie60 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I'm sorry for the loss of your Auntie, and for your Uncle. What I think of the story is that I don't believe in any concepts of karma or divine retribution or any of those things. Certainly, life is a balance of opposites in our eyes, but to attach value-judgements to those events by calling things 'bad' or 'good' and assuming that these things will be revenged in some way just isn't in accordance with nature. It's a very human way of looking at life, a way to make sense of and feel better about the world. But it's not reality. Very well said.. there is no such thing as karma... it's a fantasy to explain painful events...
Virgo1982 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Very well said.. there is no such thing as karma... it's a fantasy to explain painful events... You have to be responsible for your own feelings and actions. And if someone asks you to trust them and they betray you, you must fix your relationship with that person. You can not place blame wherever you'd like to make yourself feel better. You'll never learn anything. You'll never grow. I would not have said, "He got what he deserved." That's a bit much. He is human. We all are. And some people think because they've never participated in an affair they're a better human. And some people believe that never making themselves vulnerable makes them a better human. And some people think because they're not relgious they're a better human. And some people think religion makes them a better human. And some people think because they haven't murdered someone, they're a better human. And some people think because they don't drink they're a better human. All of our opinions and values are based on perception, experience, etc.
NoIDidn't Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Wow, BA, I am sorry for your loss. I too recently loss an aunt to cancer. I wish we would stop trying to analyze everyone's reasons for why they say things, though. It could be that your uncle's words of regret for the A were always there, and this situation just brought them to the surface. Maybe he felt it was just one of the many things that he took from her in life. Their inability to conceive being one. We all hurt our life partners. He was probably just thinking about the many times that he wasn't the perfect H. It wasn't shallow of him to do that in the face of the death of his W. All people do that. Its a normal reaction to knowing that we are about to lose someone. But this is just my opinion. No one needs to use this story as fuel for their arguments. Many of us have stories just like it. Whether OP or BS. To separate us into these groups is just further denying the humanity of us all.
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