noturtypicalwife Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 How did you know it was really over, or that you should really leave for now this time. Abuse aside, what was the breaking point for you, or for your spouse? How did you break away,did you plan it, or was it just in the moment?
jtalia Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I am still trying to figure that out. I am in the process of deciding whether my marriage is even worth fighting for. I had been verbally abused for years. This last February I decided I was finished. I couldn't take anymore of the yelling and name calling. I told him that I was done and leaving. Since then he has done a 360 and has completely changed. Problem is, he has went from one extreme to another. He was so hateful and now he is so mushy. It really upsets me. He expects me just to automatically be where we were years ago. He wants to talk about his feelings all the time and how much he loves me. It just makes me feel worse because I no longer have the same feelings for him. I am not sure if I ever will. We have 2 children and that is partly why I didn't leave. I have felt so empty for so many years that I even resorted to having an affair. That doesn't make it right, I know. But I feel as if we are done. So, is it time for me to throw in the towel as well????
Curmudgeon Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Children are absolutely one of the worst reasons to stay married. Thery're very perceptive and instinctual. They KNOW when things aren't right, are strained, are uncomfortable or forced and phony. Besides that, children live what they learn. What lessons are they absorbing from a one-sided or loveless marriage in which Daddy unmans himself and gushes and Mommy cheats? Those are the lessons they're going to take into their own, future relationships. I doubt they'll thank you in the end.
Curmudgeon Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I think it's over when the negatives far outweigh the positives, you've left no stone unturned to fix it, and failed, and you're unhappy on a daily basis with no relief in sight. I don't know what the breaking point was for the ex but she planned it. It may have been our 25th anniversary which turned out very poorly. I don't even remember why. Just stoney silence on the two hour drive back home. She planned it for months and picked up a boyfriend along the way.
Dazed & Confused Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Although its early days for me 3-4 weeks i would have to agree to the above. I can think of soooo many reasons not to be with my wife, but not even a handful to stay to gether, and one of them is the kids. I found out recently that my mum only stuck with my father because of us kids (he was financially irresponsible, selfish and had a few affairs) because she didn't want to hurt us. I have great respect to her for that, but it saddens me to think she spent many years with someone unhappy to keep me happy! I don't know what the future holds for my relationship, she tells me things will change, she realises she took advantage of me etc. but it's all things i heard before. So when is it really over, i think only the people involved can really answer that, every person will be different and every person can tolerate different levels of behaviour. I think deep down everyone will know when enough is enough or when there is time or if its worth saving!
marlena Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 It's really over when you think that you will surely go mad or get physically ill if you stay even one more day in the marriage. It's over when you realise that you are miserable on a daily basis and your partner doesn't give a damn. It's over when you have stuck it out for a long time trying everything imaginable to improve things but the results are zilch. It's over when you cease to be in denial and face the hard facts that things are not going to change. It's over when you have gone way beyond your tolerance level and leaving becomes essential to your well - being (and your children's if there are any). It's over when you KNOW this isn't what life is supposed to be all about. The WHEN you reach this godawful place depends on YOU, your levels of tolerance and the time you will need to gather the strength and the awareness to set yourself free and take control of your own destiny!
Author noturtypicalwife Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 I agree with all of the above. I have two kids, I remember one fight awhile back and he had said he was still here because of the kids. Then later retracted it saying he was just angry. I think in some cases we are nmost honest when angry. I hate coming home,but I am to physically and mentally exhausted to stay at work. Plus I need to be here for our kids. I hang up the phone quick, go to bed before him, everything to avoid him, but in my mind I play back what I want to say..like ok I've had it I'm out, but I can't get up the courage. I think he feels the same, he does things just to make me mad I think so I will be the one to walk.
marlena Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Noturtypical wife, I am sorry that your marriage is so immersed in fear. It sounds nightmarish! Hanging up the phone and trying to disappear into the walls will not solve your problems. This isn't the way life is meant to be lived. I may be wrong but the feeling I get is that there is no love, not even vestiges of love, in your marriage. Staying for the kids is never good idea. Neither one of you are providing a healthy model for your children. A bad marriage is not a good example to set for your children. Children are highly impressionable and have very keen instincts about what is going on around them. They easily pick up on tension,fear,coldness, resentment and other negative auras around them. You both need to fix what's wrong or seriously consider an amicable preferably divorce. Your children deserve a happierand healthier environment and so do you.
verytired Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Noturtypicalwife, I hear you. I am sitting in my office right now, I am tired out and emotionally fried, but I'm sitting here cos I can't face going home to a house full of everything we don't have any more. You are not alone. I too think the only reason we still live under the same roof is because of the kids - although my wife has said she has thought of running away and often feels like she doesn't want to live with the kids I think she couldn't cope with telling her family and everyone she knows that she'd left them, so she hangs in there but all the while resenting us. I will not leave my children - I love them and the love I show them is essential to counter-balance her disrespect. I hear what other people say about it not being good for the children to be in that environment, but I cannot, I will not abandon them to make my own life easier. And I don't know how I can force her to leave, or if that would be the right thing to do either if I could. Anyway, just wanted to say I know how you feel about the daily torture of avoiding each other even though I don't have any answers.
jtalia Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I too can relate to avoiding the spouse. I can't wait to go to work to get away from him. I work night shift so it is nice to have 3 days away. I am in school too, so I tend to stay up late at night to avoid him as well. I know our children see this. Especially all the arguments we have. Every in depth conversation leads to an argument. The other night he drank too much and went on a rampage of how he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I told him we could talk about it later and he just kept going. The kids weren't even asleep yet. I know they heard it all. No, it is not healthy for them to see and hear that. I feel the same as verytired in that I feel I should not leave my H because it would make my life easier and not the kids. I know they say kids will adjust, etc. But I don't want my kids resenting me because I couldn't stick my marriage out. I, too, have no answers for you. All I know is that I can relate to what you are going through......
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