Salvagable?

[Jilly Bean]

Would love the readers input on my situation!

 

OK, I met a guy online about two weeks ago. We had a ton in common - from the same area back East, went to the same college, both never married with no kids, lots of common values, same workout interests, etc., social compatibility. Moreso, we always laugh together and just have fun!

 

We had our first date over a week ago. Had a great time! After that, he would call or text me every day. Some days, we would even have these marathon phone sessions that went on for up to 4 hours! So, we clearly enjoyed each other and getting to know each other.

 

We had our second date last night. Now, our first date did not end in a kiss, but our second date was far more physical. We were very touchy feely - holding hands, etc, and we finally started kissing in the car on the way back to my house. Once at my house, things got out of hand. I had told him over and over that I did not want to jump into bed right away, and he was cool with that. However, he is still a guy - lol, so if it's in front of him, he's not going to say no. So, I think the combination of too much wine lowering my inhibitions, and feeling just SO comfortable with him from our first date energy, and our marathon phone calls all week, we got a little too physical for where I wanted to be. We didn't have intercourse, but we did fool around. Well, towards the end of the night, when my wine was wearing off and my logic was kicking in, I began to feel horribly about not maintaining my boundaries. He said he was going to go, since his snoring was keeping me up. He asked if I was aggravated with him, and I said no, not at all, I was mad at myself. That I really believe having sex too soon can ruin a relationship, and I didn't want to do that with him. So, he got dressed, I got up and went to get him something from the kitchen to take home. He came to me, held me in this very long and sweet embrace, kissed me over and over, kept hugging me tightly, and then asked again if I was mad at him. I again said no. He said he couldn't understand why women over-analyze things (perhaps this was his guy way of saying he was still cool, and there was no reason for me to be so chickish?). I walked him to the door, we had a long kiss and hug goodnight, and that was it.

 

Normally I would have heard from him this morning, but nothing yet.

 

I'm pretty pissed for a few reasons.

 

1 - I really wanted to NOT get physical too soon, as I wanted it to be different with him. I have a bad habit of hyper-sexualizing relationships, and I am WAY pissed that I did this with him so soon.

2 - I am worried that the amazing start we had together, has now been sullied, and I will not hear from him again. (perhaps me being paranoid).

3 - Mad at myself (not him!) for allowing things to get to where they did. I do know better, but totally f**ked up.

 

So, my question is this - do you guys think this is salvagable? Should I wait to hear from him? If I do, do I just act like nothing happened, or do we address it?

 

Thanks in advance!

[jcster]

I think you are overreacting. Early sex isn't certain death to relationships. More than anything, I would think that he might be put off by the fact that you freaked out and got upset afterward, not that you didn't wait to fool around.

[tanbark813]

perhaps this was his guy way of saying he was still cool, and there was no reason for me to be so chickish?

 

Yes. Exactly.

 

I also agree with jcster.

[Jilly Bean]

I think you are overreacting. Early sex isn't certain death to relationships. More than anything, I would think that he might be put off by the fact that you freaked out and got upset afterward, not that you didn't wait to fool around.

 

Thanks, JC, but I didn't exactly "freak out". lol. He knew I wanted to stop, because I told him it didn't feel right. So, we stopped. He left, but there was no big drama, besides him asking me if I was mad or aggravated with him, and I said I was mad at myself for screwing up, and doing something I didn't want to do. I would hope that he would take it for how it was - that I think he's special, which is why I'd rather wait and have my heart engaged, than just bang some dude on a second date because I was horny.

[Trialbyfire]

Jilly Bean, I don't know what can be salvaged and what can't. I'm not even convinced there is an issue.

 

I did want to provide you with something for consideration. If this happens again, where you end up in something sexual sooner than you wanted to, try to reassure the guy that he was amazing and that's why you couldn't resist. Perhaps even explain to him that it was worth it because it was something else. Guys get a little sensitive about their performance.

 

Edit: I should clarify that women do too. If someone regrets sleeping with me, after I found it an amazing experience, I would probably get sensitive too.

[Jilly Bean]

Jilly Bean, I don't know what can be salvaged and what can't. I'm not even convinced there is an issue.

 

I did want to provide you with something for consideration. If this happens again, where you end up in something sexual sooner than you wanted to, try to reassure the guy that he was amazing and that's why you couldn't resist. Perhaps even explain to him that it was worth it because it was something else. Guys get a little sensitive about their performance.

 

Edit: I should clarify that women do too. If someone regrets sleeping with me, after I found it an amazing experience, I would probably get sensitive too.

 

 

Yes, I totally agree and get that. I do want to explain to him that I would prefer to wait since I think he/we are worth it, but that I was so turned on, I got carried away. That should appease his sensitivities, but it's also the honest truth...

 

Thanks for writing...

[gonetildecember]

I think more than anything, rather than thinking you started being physical too soon, he was more worried that you were mad at him for it, since he asked you twice.

 

The fact that you told him you were mad at yourself, maybe has him doubting your feelings for the situation and in a larger view, him.

 

Maybe he was waiting for you to call?

 

Have you heard from him yet.

 

I wouldn't worry too much. When you do talk to him, don't dwell on the physical stuff.

The fact that he told you that you're over-analysing it and "being chickish" hopefully means that it isn't an issue for him. And the fact that he was also concerned with you being mad at him afterwards...also makes it seem like he cares not only about the physical stuff, but your feelings as well.

 

And its not like you f*cked him. lol..that was supposed to make you laugh.

[Jilly Bean]

LOL, Gone! Yes, you're right - it's not like a effed him... (yet).

 

Good point though that he could be second guessing my feelings for him. He could have felt very comfy shagging, and his emotions could have been engaged more than mine. I'd hate to think he'd be second-guessing me, though. But, it wouldn't be the first time that happened since we met. I think he has the standard garden-variety insecurities...

 

But no, I have not heard from him yet. My friends tell me that he is probably giving me some space, and if I don't hear from him tomorrow, that I should call him.

 

And I think he does care about my feelings. I think that's why he didn't high-tail it out the door, but he stayed and hugged me and kissed me for a long time, perhaps to let me know he did still care...

[gonetildecember]

Exactly. He could have just got up and left and to me that would have been worse than him asking if you were alright or mad at him.

 

I agree with your friends. He's probably just giving you some cool out time and taking some for himself, especially since maybe he still thiks you're processing what happened last night (you saying you were mad at yourself for going to far physically)

 

He's probably just letting things cool off. I don't think that this is the end for the two of you. If you don't hear from him by tomorrow give him a call. If you are used to talking him everyday, you could even send a good night text tonight. Just in case he's waiting for you to say something since he thinks you were upset last night.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Jilly Bean]

Well Gone, still no call from him! So, now I have moved from wanting him to call, to just thinking he's a total jerk who I don't want to hear from. I am pretty good judge of character, and I didn't think that he was just trying to get a piece of a**, but now I am thinking maybe he is that guy! Or, that he just lost interest or something. Who knows. I do feel that he should be the one to contact me, and I am not the type to pursue guys anyhow.

 

Oh, well.

 

Time to say, "next"?

[oppath]

No, don't say next.

 

It is very possible that since moving physical was too fast for you and you got upset about it, that he just wants to give you a little space, to slow down the relationship, so it goes at a pace more comfortable for you.

 

You should contact him. Does he like football? Say "oh man, the Pats almost lost." Say anything. But you are jumping to big time conclusions here.

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks, Oppath. You are probably right. I tend to think the worst with too much silence. We all know the difference between guy time and chick time, right?

 

And yes, he loves football - lol. Was at the game yesterday, and he and I are both from Boston, so yes, it was a little nail-biting that the Pats played a tight game! How'd ya know?

 

I'll give it a little more time before I scream next - lol. Thanks for talking me off the wall and giving me some perspective.

[gonetildecember]

Jilly Bean, have you heard from him yet?

 

If not, I'd give him a call this evening. If he answers.. don't bring up what happened, start off by talking about yesterdays game like Oppath suggested....if he doesn't answer...leave a simple message.

 

and see what happens.

 

Don't panic!

[Jilly Bean]

Hi, Gone! It's VERY much over!

 

I sent him a text earlier. OK, albeit NOT my best effort at communication, but I woke up from a nap and had some wretchedly insecure thoughts in my mind. No excuse, and I know I fully sabotaged this, but here is what when down:

 

Me: When a guy calls everyday then stops entirely, it means hes either not interested, or has someone else. That was sudden! lol. I wish you well and hope you find what you're looking for. Take care!

Him: R u serious?

Me: Yep. I take hints well. lol. But tho Im disappointed I have no hard feelings. well maybe a few. lol. I hope you find someone as wonderful as u r. You deserve it! I wont bother you again. sorry for being so pesty 2day. take care!

 

 

Ok, I know I ROYALLY f**ked this one up (well, I do this a lot). I dunno - when I didn't hear from him for two days, I took that as flat out rejection, and I guess I thought it was better for self-preservation to get him before he got me. Perhaps I misread him entirely, but I do think when a guy goes from calling many times a day, to getting physical with a woman, and then ignores her for days, it's not a good sign.

 

OK, go ahead and yell at me now...

[gonetildecember]

I won't yell, but Jilly...u should have just left it as hey.

 

I'm telling you it probably was not the end. He probably just thought you were feeling weird since you said you were madat yourself and was waiting for some sort of call from you to give him the green light again.

 

Him saying are u serious.. was probably utter shock lol. when did u send this?and has he said anything else?

 

if u dont mind me asking,how old are u? no real difference to the situation, just curious lol

[Jilly Bean]

I sent it about 6 hours ago, and no, I never heard back from him.

 

And I am 42. And still a mess - lol.

 

Pity, I really liked him. But I am sure he is long gone.

[Racquel Colette]

All you can do is wait, nothing you can do. He has to call you. It will be salvageable only if 1. he contacts you and 2. you don't come off as needy. He might be already thinking you are needy by the way you reacted and he needs some space to think about if he wants to continue with you or not.

I would suggest you get The Rules because calling him would be the kiss of death for you right now.

[Jilly Bean]

lol. Well, if he's thinking that, then he's thinking correctly. Because I am! lol. Though, do you know many women that are not?

 

And I would never call him at this point. I'm crazy, but not nuts...

[gonetildecember]

Lol. Your last post made me laugh.

A lot of women are needy,and many aren't (or maybe the just find a good way to suppress it lol)

 

In agreement with RC I wouldn't say anything to him. He's probably still trying to process what just happened lol... Maybe he'll call after he's had a while to think about it. If not, I guess it's an experience to learn from, right?

 

And don't sell yourself short... he may not be long gone.. he could realise that you were just in a vulnerable position and may give u a call in a couple of days.. Once again, I wish you luck... hope you hear from him.

[Jilly Bean]

Well, I think if a woman comes off as low-maintenance, she is just better at hiding the neediness than others. Or me - lol.

 

Yes, I think right now, he is still waiting for the dust to settle, and is trying to figure out what happened. He was probably rolling along thinking everything was fine, and then he's getting texts telling him I have no hard feelings and wish him well... der...

 

And no, there is no way in hell I would contact him again. Mainly because I have pretty much nothing to say, and wouldn't even begin to know WHAT to say! I think it makes me too crazy to contact him, particularly since I told him I wouldn't bother him again.

 

I guess I would have thought he would have picked up the phone already, but then again I have to think how long it takes guys to process things. I could hear from him in a month - lol.

 

Thanks for your concern - it means a lot. I will continue to post if anything develops. Though, I tend to keep my expectations low in these situations...obviously, this is not the first time I've been in this spot, unfortunately...

[gonetildecember]

Lol.

 

Just try to stay as calm as possible I guess, and we'll see what he does.

You're right.. he probably just needs that processing time. We'll see how it goes.

 

Keep us posted

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks, Gone. What will happen is I will obsess and beat myself up for the next two days, pining for him, hoping he calls, then I will be mad at him and convince myself I am better off without him, and then I will be over it, and will begin dating someone else. Sometime after that he will contact me, asking for an explanation...

 

But, I hope he proves me wrong. Time will tell, right?

[gonetildecember]

Thats right.

try not to sit there and wait tho.. makes time go so much slower....you can go out and get the book the above poster suggested..maybe it will help. I just finished reading Why Men Love Bitches..great read I thought... that might help pass some time

 

But hopefully he will call/text sometime soon. Lets keep our fingers crossed

[Jilly Bean]

You're so sweet, thanks. But I think Racquel is right - he is deciding if my neediness is worth the effort. He is 37, never married, and I know he has told me he tried to make a conscious effort a few years ago to be more tolerant of women and relationships, so, who knows how far he has come. It could go either way for sure... I guess it depends on how much of a connection he felt.

 

But I will say in my defense, that I told him that sex too early is a bad idea, and it seems I was right! He was all over me until we had our (unconsummated) tryst on SAT night, and then he stopped calling me. Sooo...technically, my reaction isn't too far out of the realm of what he should expect, since I told him I wanted to stop the physical, as it was too soon and may ruin a good relationship. And what do you know? He stops calling and changes his behavior! OK, maybe I am spinning it a bit, or perhaps it was a prophecy, but it's pretty much how it came down, isn't it?

[Jilly Bean]

I spoke to a guy friend of mine tonight about this, and he had a much different perspective. Tell me what you think...

 

He felt that "S" screwed up. He felt that S backing off and giving me space was fine to do for the SEXUAL part of the relationship (meaning, maybe we don't sit on the couch and drink wine on the next date, and put ourselves in that position again), but that it had nothing to do with the rest of the relationship (meaning the emotional part) and that he still should have contacted me, since not doing so, only substantiated my fears that sex too soon would ruin things.

 

He said what he would have done, was write or call me the next day, and say that it was all totally OK, and that he didn't mind waiting at all, since he really liked me, and he hoped I was OK with what happened and he wasn't upset over it, and I shouldn’t be either. Basically, he would have reassured me when he knew I was feeling sensitive about the fooling around to let me know it would not impact how he felt about me. He felt that by suddenly not contacting me, it was like he was saying that if the sexual relationship doesn't develop quickly, then he was backing off from ALL of the relationship, and was no longer pursuing me so hard PERIOD

 

He also said that if it were him, he would have called me as soon as he got the texts today, since he would have wanted to clear up any miscommunication quickly. Letting this go, makes him think S's not interested, and it was all about the booty for him. He also didn't think my texts were harsh, but that not responding at all shows he was not interestedI found it to be very interesting! Just an interesting GUY perspective. I think it has some merit. But of course, I am always looking to deflect responsibility - lol