kittenhead Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I love my husband like crazy. and for the most part, we have a great relationship. it has its ups and downs but that's life. im so in love with him but i dont know how to work out this problem we keep having. i had some rough experiences growing up. as a young girl, i was forced to look at pornography by my girlfriend. we weren't even 10. but i just have never been able to shake it. the feelings taht come over me when i see porn or titilating images. im totally fine when alone or with friends but i feel threatenned with my husband around... anyway...kind of getting off topic. on my second date with my husband...he asked me my feelings about porn b/c i couln't deal with an ex and his use...it was just so excessive and beyond my comfort zone...so i said i could tolerate it within degrees, that occassional viewing was nothing to freak out over... as it turns out, my husband has a big collection. i found out later and was upset...i felt sort of betrayed because he didn't say anything to me that would indicate taht he likes porn so much. he is a frequent user. its not hardcore, but he pays for it...he doesn't know how ofetn he uses it but its more than once monthly but not everday. i just became unnerved by the whole thing and i dont know why...i became suspitious...thinking he was looking all the time when i wasn't home...and i felt like a real heel...i saw it and confessed that i looked on his computer....that's just horrible behavior on my part... i told him immediately and he forgave me. but we had a fight... i asked for a compromise (ie, we look together or he just chill out on looking so much) but he said he would give it up completely since he thought i wouldn't be satisfied. i thought that was unrealistic and said so... a few months pass and im sitting with him ... he's checking his email online which is connected to the tv screen. i see something about a site that has smut (as well as other articles and what not about culture and sex). i ask about it and he says he is renewing his subscription. i was surprised b/c things had obviously changed without my realization. i was catty about it and we ultimately had another fight... he said it was none of my business and that he was sick of this... that i am upset by knowing that he looks and that im trying to control his behavior whne he feels he shouldnt have to change.... basically...i have a choice now...it keep him as he is or to divorce. i know he didn't mean that ultimatum...but he is unwilling to pudge and i fee bad...like i have no choices...i get my husband with the porn or i get no husband.... man, this is a real pickle... he is very upset about feeling controlled.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Okay, if his porn watching affects your sex life then it's a real problem. If his porn watching doesn't, and he keeps it to himself then it really shouldn't be a problem. I understand your views on porn, but look at it as another way of fantasy, masterbation, pleasing himself...It has nothing to do with you, or how he feels about you. Hope this makes sense... Also, have you considered seeking some therapy on your issues regarding porn?
Lizzie60 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 wow.. from what I read he has 'slowed' down on watching porn but yet, you're still not satisfied with that. I think you are trying to control your husband and I don't blame him for being upset. Porn is just porn... fantasy... if your husband doesn't go out on his own and you have no reasons to doubt him.. then I say... leave him alone. If you really can't live with the fact that he will look at porn and yes he will also look at pretty women out there... then I say divorce... you will be way too miserable with him.
Author kittenhead Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 actually...his porn has increased usuage since we've been together Lizzie. i dont undertsand though...why cant we come to a compromise??? i was honest about myself from the very beginning. i dont care if he looks at porn...or other women... im uncomfortable with the fact that he never told me and then can't chill out on usage........ its all or nothing! that is not what i belive to be right...but my husband belives all or nothing... him and porn without any change or divorce...that is his idea. is there no compromise to be found? i dont want to divorce my husband. if i have to live with the way he is...why cant i be accepted for who i am??? i was HONEST from the very beginning.
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 So he is choosing to beat off/watch porn rather than be with you, have sex with you? If so, THIS is a big problem and needs to be dealt with. But, if he is just watching porn without telling you, and it isn't affecting what goes on in the bedroom, then yes, you two should still talk about it, and be honest. Don't go in with guns blazing, just tell him how it makes you feel when he chooses porn over you.
Lizzie60 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 actually...his porn has increased usuage since we've been together Lizzie. i dont undertsand though...why cant we come to a compromise??? i was honest about myself from the very beginning. i dont care if he looks at porn...or other women... im uncomfortable with the fact that he never told me and then can't chill out on usage........ its all or nothing! that is not what i belive to be right...but my husband belives all or nothing... him and porn without any change or divorce...that is his idea. is there no compromise to be found? i dont want to divorce my husband. if i have to live with the way he is...why cant i be accepted for who i am??? i was HONEST from the very beginning. I know what you're saying... it's not fair.. I understand BUT the reality is that he doesn't want to change... and it makes your life miserable. I am afraid there is not much you can do... except divorce him. I doubt it will get better over the years...
copinghubby Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 As a hubby that used to look at a lot of porn, when it began effecting things between me and my wife, I stopped cold turkey. Perhaps this is unrealistic for some, but my wife and marriage was more important to me than porn. If you and your marriage are not more important than porn, perhaps divorce is the option. But first, I would encourage you to talk with you husband and seek therapy if necessary. For my wife and I, it all came down to communication.
tommyr Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 I stopped cold turkey. Wondering for how long have you gone cold turkey? Not trying to hijack the thread - I think this could be relevant information for the OP.
Author kittenhead Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 cold turkey wont work, not for the long haul, in my case since that was tried. but congradulations to you for stopping. my husband and i just spoke tonight. monogamy will be difficult for him he believes. before me and almost since he began dating...he has had multiple partners with little committments. porn helps allay the need to cheat.
michelangelo Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Just wondering if you have considered the long span of your life ahead of you and whether this particular concern will become more trivial a concern as much bigger issues rear their head. Kids, health problems, financial woes, career crises. Your H wacking off to porn will some day seem like a small thing compared to what you may face.
LifesontheUp Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 cold turkey wont work, not for the long haul, in my case since that was tried. but congradulations to you for stopping. my husband and i just spoke tonight. monogamy will be difficult for him he believes. before me and almost since he began dating...he has had multiple partners with little committments. porn helps allay the need to cheat. Sorry but if that isn't an excuse to keep on watching porn then he has some real issues to deal with. Honestly I wouldn't want to stay with someone who tells me he believes he can't be monogamous. I think you should cut your losses now. I think he hid from you how much he was addicted. If he won't compromise then I think that should tell you also that he doesn't care as much for you as he should.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 You have an absolute right to a porn-free home and a porn-free life if that's what you truly want. Don't let anybody kid you on that. It's a matter of priorities. So, if this is a deal-breaker for you, it could be that your current partner is unable to meet your most basic needs, which would make the two of you incompatible in the long term. IOW, he might just be Mr. Wrong. It's true that most guys will look at porn from time to time. Men tend to enjoy visual stimulation. But, not every guy is going to prioritize pornography ahead of his marriage in such a way as to make it a non-negotiable item or to offer ultimatums. If he's paying for porn, he bringing the problem into an additional arena... shared finances. Depending on how you two are doing financially and how you handle your money, this has the potential to cause even more resentments. To be honest, I think it's a HUGE mistake for ANYBODY, male or female, to tolerate any kind of interactive porn within their relationshp. There are sites which allow contact between members, ie. chatting, emailing, etc.... and participation in this kind of 3-dimensional format can (and does) lead to relationships being formed. This quite often will develop into infidelity. So... there ARE areas which really need to be negotiated if porn is part of the relationship. Is it going to be limited to voyeuristic viewing? How much money is it going to cost? Is it going to be hidden from one partner? Will it affect sexual interaction within the marriage? Don't get me wrong... just as you have a right to a porn-free life, he also has a right to a porn-filled one if that's his priority. But maybe that's not going to be compatible with keeping YOU as an engaged and loving partner. If it were me, I don't believe I'd be very tolerant of ultimatums this early in the relationship. There are soooooo many things a married couple must negotiate on in the long-term. I'm not sure if I'd want to start out with somebody who's unwilling to meet me at the table and hash out an agreement we could both be happy with.
copinghubby Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Well said LifesontheUp and Ladyjane14. In my case, I saw the damage it was doing and wanted to change. If your husband does not want to change, than you are correct "cold turkey" or even limits are not going to work. I would suggest you consider counseling if you have not already done so. This issue is most likely just a manifestation of a larger, underlying issue that is going to be very damaging not only to your marriage but ultimately you.
Ladyjane14 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 This issue is most likely just a manifestation of a larger, underlying issue that is going to be very damaging not only to your marriage but ultimately you. Very true. Porn often becomes the battlefield in which a couple fights for "control" of the relationship. There are a myriad number of issues which could potentially be submerged, leaving one or both of you feeling the need to try to bring order to chaos.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Well I have a husband who lied to me about looking at porn as well, kittenhead, and I know what you mean about it being bad enough that he looks all the time. As well it's bad that he lied. My husband stopped because I told him anything he'd lie about doesn't belong in our marriage, and I wouldn't settle for less. Alot of times husbands don't want to stop not because they can't, but because they don't want to be told what to do by their wife. It's a male pride and ego issue. Porn is widely too accepted in this world. Lusting does NOT belong in a healthy marriage, and he really needs to get his priorities straight. I think you'll agree with me that a real live person to sleep next to, cuddle with, hold, etc. is WAY more fulfilling then an array of porn which leaves one empty and hollow. There is only one right choice here.
youngmother Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 I think that all men secretly watch porn. Maybe not all of them. I don't really see it as a problem but if it is effecting the sex life then maybe it is a problem. Talking to him about it may help. If it doesn't then maybe the sex just needs to be spiced up a little. I think you know what I mean by that.
popey Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 i think the most important issue here is that she expressed having a problem with it, and without discussion, he decided- **** that- I don't really care what she said/wants. I'm doing whatever i feel like. THAT is not good.
ElvenPriestess Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 Exactly, that her side of it isn't taken into account when it should matter a great deal to him. And again, the point of concealing or lying would stem other problems. And that also is not a good thing.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 i asked for a compromise (ie, we look together or he just chill out on looking so much) but he said he would give it up completely since he thought i wouldn't be satisfied. i thought that was unrealistic and said so... If it was important for you to draw a line in the sand, why didn't you take him up on his offer to give it up when the subject first came up??? Mr. Lucky
She'stheReason Posted December 31, 2007 Posted December 31, 2007 I tell you now i only add this to make you stop and think not as any true "advice" on how to handle the situation. More on the "think about this while your planning" kind of side. He may be addicted. I have seen people addicted to many things be it porn,drugs, or just a certain thing they have to do. In this case it is somthing that could be embarrassing enough to even make him lie to you. Addicts can rarely ever see their addiction. They think it is ok if they want to do this and enjoy themselves. You may think this is not as serious as a drug or alcohol problem but it can be. Especially if he feels like he is looked down on.
michaelk Posted January 1, 2008 Posted January 1, 2008 kittenhead, So you have a problem with porn and so does your husband. Unfortunately, your respective problems lead you to opposite attitudes on the issue. I think you both need counseling on this, both joint and individually. You need to deal with your porn-related childhood experience, he needs to deal with his expressed inability to be monogamous, and you both need to better communicate around this issue if you want to find resolution. That's my advice. To provide a male perspective, I'll say that I do think we're wired for sex and even sex with multiple partners. There's an inbuilt urge to look at women, engage in sexual fantasy, and ultimately to achieve orgasm. The degree to which a man is compelled by these urges depends on the man - some of us have higher libidos than others, and some of us have lower barriers to action than others. Your H may be right when he says that he's not a naturally monogamous man, and that porn helps channel his urges. On the other hand, he may have an addiction that goes beyond mere biological drive. The only way to find out is for him to seek counseling on the issue, but he would have to choose to do this, and he doesn't seem to think of his behavior as a problem. Ultimately, he is the way he is and now that you realize how important sexual variety is to him, you may have to choose either live with it or walk away. MK
Enema Posted January 2, 2008 Posted January 2, 2008 Still haven't heard from the OP whether this has any real effect on the marriage in terms of sex life, finances or quality time together. So far I see no reason for him to change just because of your hangups.
Arachnia Posted January 8, 2008 Posted January 8, 2008 If watching porn with your husband doesn't turn you on, ask yourself why. Does it turn you on when you watch it alone? Is he bored with the sex you are having together? These are things you can talk about and try to find solutions to. Just be as open as possible, like you would with a marriage counselor. If his porn viewing bothers you, he should be more than willing to stop. If he puts it above you, there is no limit to what else he will put above you. If his attraction to porn makes you feel like he isn't attracted to you....then ask him what you can do to make him more interested in watching you, and then ask for his help and support when you try to do it for him. If he is supportive and willing to make you feel comfortable in expanding your sexual personality, then he should be as excited about watching you try and learn as he is about watching cheap women do it. If he cannot explore his sexual fantasies with you, his partner, in a way that makes you feel comfortable and also honestly pleases him, then I think counseling to discover the reason is necessary.
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