In love with OM and care about his wife too, we are friends. What do do?

[t the mistress]

Well, where do i start?

 

Im about 3 years out from a emotionally and verbally abusive relationship of 5 years that was begining to become physically abusive when i ran away. When i did run away i came back to my old life and there i met a man, a very wonderful and supportive man who helped me thru so many bad times i had with trying to get over my previous relationship. he was always there for me as a FRIEND and only as a friend. helped me find somewhere to live, lent me stuff to establish a new home etc.

 

Yes, he was, and is married, and he introduced me to his wife and we became fast friends, and she helped me too.. i DO adore her..

 

but one night, after way too much alcohol, he confessed to me how much he desired our relationship could be more, and me, feeling sad lonley and alone and unwanted and unneeded and unloved and unworthy of anyones affection just swooned. to be honest, i had those feelings towards him too, and tried to justify them by telling myself it was a healthy sign that possibly i could love again after being so hurt that i just wanted to cut myself off from the world. he said he hadnt said anything sooner, coz he knew how messed up and confused i was and didnt want to make things worse for me, but he was scared he wud lose his chance and i would find someone else if he didnt speak up then and confess how he felt.

 

The long and short of it boils down to.. i love him with all my heart, but i also love her, i've been within both their lives for long enough (bout 2 years now) to know they care for each other, but theres no magic there anymore, and their relationship is seriously dead and not because of me.. he says wants more than just friends with me and says he will leave her (yeah the 'one day.. when' promise') and all i am is confused..

 

and some days feel like i should go for it with him (when and if of course he leaves) and other days i think i should just run away screaming. we spend most nights talking on the phone, and umm.. im confused.. help, advice, anything!!!

 

T

[bestadvisor]

Have you slept with him yet? How can you ever look at yourself, value yourself, resepect yourself, and forgive yourself for doing that to her? Seriously! You know how low you would be if you actually go for him or do anything with him?

 

The right thing to do RIGHT NOW (don't delay) is to inform her about everything that has occured. She deserve to know, doesn't she? Step into her shoes for one day, just one day.

[Tony T]

Don't mention a thing to his wife. That's her problem. You just need to get far, far away from this entire situation. How could you possibly ever have a great relationship with the husband of a friend you also care about.

 

There are so very many other men out there you could involve yourself with who are unencumbered and available to you. Why would you want to go through a lot of drama and cause a lot of chaos. If that's something you enjoy in your life, perhaps some counseling will help you go for more healthy relationships.

 

Run away from this one with all the energy you've got. Drop both of these people from your life, it's just too nasty for you to enjoy.

[Gwyneth]

Be careful that you aren't rebounding. You just came from a pretty bad situation--don't get caught up into another. His wife is your friend--is it worth destroying your friendship with her to be with her husband? That's good that you will not make your move until he leaves her--or at least you say you won't. We all know, or at least I know, how strong temptation is and how it can manipulate our minds. I'm also the OW, but I do not know his wife, which makes my situation a bit easier because I flat out will say I do not care about her. That's because I do not know her and hurting her doesn't bother me because she's just an image, not a real thing to me. In YOUR case however, this woman is your friend. That's a big deal. She took you into her heart and helped you heal from this tremendous effect that the abusive relationship had on your life. Hurting her will only show her that you didn't appreciate what she did for you. Are you sure her husband cares about her and that their marriage is really dead? And are you sure you aren't attracted to this man only because he was there to pick up the pieces of your life that fell apart when you got out of your bad relationship?

 

Some things to think about. You don't want to go from one bad relationship to another. That's never the right answer. Having an affair wtih a married man is one thing, but when that married man is married to your friend or relative, that's a whole nother thing. That's something to consider. Good luck.

[t the mistress]

I would honestly run awa y from the whole thing right now but theres actually more than just me involved, theres complications

(isnt there always!) i DO believe he cares for me, but this is all just too much for me to absorb!

 

I know its a rebound, its ust SO wonderful to feel wanted and needed and loved. And he seriously is a lovely guy, and him and his wife obviously care for each other, but their seperation is just a matter of time because of diffferences that have nothing to do with me (but sadly AND unfortunately im in a position to hear BOTH sides of the story and know its inevitable..

 

all i can say is dam this hard and thank you to anyone out there who has an ounce of compassion for my side, i know and suffer over his and her side of all this

[Tony T]

I would honestly run awa y from the whole thing right now but theres actually more than just me involved, theres complications

(isnt there always!) i DO believe he cares for me, but this is all just too much for me to absorb!

 

I know its a rebound, its ust SO wonderful to feel wanted and needed and loved. And he seriously is a lovely guy, and him and his wife obviously care for each other, but their seperation is just a matter of time because of diffferences that have nothing to do with me (but sadly AND unfortunately im in a position to hear BOTH sides of the story and know its inevitable..

 

all i can say is dam this hard and thank you to anyone out there who has an ounce of compassion for my side, i know and suffer over his and her side of all this

 

It doesn't make any difference how you feel. A hungry shark would fall all over you but you would end up being chewed up and digested. There is nothing at all that is good that will come out of this. Again, GO FIND A NICE, AVAILABLE GUY who will make you feel good as well. My strong feeling is that you have some issues that either make you want to go for people who are unavailable or who already have partjners.

 

If you really care for this guy you should be encouraging him to work out his situation. The greatest number of cheating men are NOT honest with the OM. Men will lie about their situation, their feelings and everything else to keep some strange on the side. Seldom do they ultimately leave their wives.

 

START RUNNING NOW!!!

[Trialbyfire]

He's not your friend. Friends don't do that to each other. They respect each other.

 

He found a vulnerable woman and set her up for the fall. He's a predator.

 

You're not being a friend to his wife. Be one.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Yes, he was, and is married, and he introduced me to his wife and we became fast friends, and she helped me too.. i DO adore her..

Wow...with friends like these...

 

but one night, after way too much alcohol, he confessed to me how much he desired our relationship could be more

LOL...we all know what the 'more' is, now don't we? Guess he's 'bored' with wifey, is that it? He's looking for some new strange to put a kick in his day? Gosh, I've never heard THIS story before.

 

and me, feeling sad lonley and alone and unwanted and unneeded and unloved and unworthy of anyones affection just swooned.

Ahhh..there you go. I was wondering how'd you justify stabbing this woman in the back when she's gone to the mat for you. Got it.

 

i had those feelings towards him too, and tried to justify them by telling myself it was a healthy sign that possibly i could love again after being so hurt that i just wanted to cut myself off from the world.

So in order for YOU to "heal," you betray a woman whose been nothing but kind and generous to you? Hmmm...I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that one.

 

..he says wants more than just friends with me and says he will leave her (yeah the 'one day.. when' promise') and all i am is confused..

Do you know HOW many 'bored' husbands are out there? Do you have any idea? Tons of them. They're not looking to change their situations - they're looking to add some spice to their situations. Enter the OW.

 

...and some days feel like i should go for it with him (when and if of course he leaves)

I certainly hope you don't put your entire life on hold waiting for this guy. You'll grow old and die alone.

[Gwyneth]

I think some of you are being a bit harsh and saying things this woman truly doesn't need to hear. Be gentle. She's in a bad situation. Have a bit of compassion.

 

T the Mistress, hang in there. I'm sure he does care about you and wants more than a friendship with you--friends fall in love All the time. This is not something uncommon--many people just have a hard time accepting what the truth is. I'm sure he isn't chasing you because of your vulnerability--but this could be a possibility. Keep that in mind.

 

I know how it feels when a guy pays you attention and makes you happy--it is as good as being high. Just be aware of the consequences and as long as you are okay with those consequences and how this can be ugly, then I think you will be okay. Go into this knowing that your heart can end up right back where it started--torn. I am in my affair knowing this so that if it does happen, I am prepared. Better to be prepared than not to be.

 

Lots of Love,

Gwyneth

[t the mistress]

Thanks Gwyneth, and everyone else,

 

i know he does care, hes just that kind of guy, and i know this all kills him as much as it does me coz we do talk about it. i just get very scared coz the whole situaton goes against every moral value ive ever held, but it all feels so right, and soo wrong. ergo my confusion.. i dont want to hurt anyone, esp. myself, ive had enough hurt for a lifetime thankyou very much.

 

thanks guys

[Gwyneth]

I don't give a damn about the piece of warm crap that you say you love.

 

LOL, you have me cracking up today!

[frannie]

... one night, after way too much alcohol, he confessed to me how much he desired our relationship could be more.

 

... he said he hadnt said anything sooner, coz he knew how messed up and confused i was and didnt want to make things worse for me, but he was scared he wud lose his chance and i would find someone else if he didnt speak up then and confess how he felt.

 

... they care for each other, but theres no magic there anymore, and their relationship is seriously dead and not because of me.. he says wants more than just friends with me and says he will leave her.

 

 

I would honestly run awa y from the whole thing right now but theres actually more than just me involved, theres complications.

 

... him and his wife obviously care for each other, but their seperation is just a matter of time because of diffferences that have nothing to do with me.

 

 

Hello T.

 

Firstly, would you care to elaborate on the 'complications' which you suggest mean you can't just "run away" from the situation?

 

It is hard not to look at this and think, well the man is a predator who stepped into your life when you were really down. And just when you were again ready, as you say yourself, to find love with someone new, rather than be glad that you had come so far he "confessed his feelings" to you, out of fear that you would in fact do that. Not good. But let's give him the benefit of the doubt, we all act out of fear and selfishness from time to time.

 

You say you talk to him for hours and hours, and he is talking about leaving, and gives the impression (one you say you have too from knowing her), that the marriage is all but over. You say there is no magic, and it's 'dead'. However, you talk about them caring for each other.

 

Now, if you really care for both of them, what do you do? I would say if the marriage really is 'over', and it's a 'matter of time' before they separate, then what do you have to lose from saying to MM, look, I love and respect both of you, and this is putting me in a difficult position. Say to him he needs to sort out in his own mind what he's going to do, and he needs to be honest with her.

 

If she really is your friend, then I think you owe her that much at least. To back out of the situation and leave it to them to see what will happen. MM don't know what would happen if they actually went to their W and said they weren't happy and they wanted out. It's mostly assumptions. Just as you're making assumptions that their marriage is over. It's not over til it's over.

 

All you will be doing by continuing to engage him is to create a scenario of him unloading, pondering, planning and cogitating on something that's probably only in his head and would never happen.

 

You owe it to yourself not to get all tangled up in all that. There's nothing whatever to be gained by that.