Taking a Break Again ???

[josh200536]

To start off i'm a 20 yr old Male from Ohio.. Me and my G/F age 19 have had a relationship for almost 4 years. Everything has been decently great with a few ups and downs along the way.. Starting in about May 07' she decided she wanted a break from things because i was "smoothering her". The main reason behind it was because of her x-boyfriend. Nothing happened between them during the whole 3 days we took a break. He was her best friend for a couple of years.

Everything worked out fine in the end.. Well last week she decided she wanted another break. Mean while her X has been in Basic Training for about 3 months and came back Nov. 15th and all this started.. They started calling each other, textin and etc. She swears up and down that they are nothing more then friends and she don't like him. She always try's to hide the fact that they are talking to each other.. She'll always have her phone on silent or off. She seems to think there's nothing wrong with it but i do.. Everytime he comes around she wants to take a break. I know she loves me and cares for me. She just says she needs time to her self for her friends and to have fun. I completely understand that. But she is a party girl that likes to get drunk. She says she knows what shes doing when she's drunk, but i know she doesn't. I'm currently attending college and working about 30-35 hours a week which is very stressful and her wanting a break i just can't take it anymore. I really need help with what to do about this situation. Any advice would be greatly appricated.

 

 

 

Thanks

[josh200536]

Any help would be greatly appricated..

[Noddy]

Hi there, I think she might be messing you about a bit. She probably still has feelings for her ex and she is not sure if things will work out with him and is keeping you around while she makes her decision. You must ask her if she still loves him and if she wants to be with him and if she says no then ask her why the "breaks" always coincide with her ex being back and the sudden contact with her ex.

 

I don't think it's fair on you to be put on hold each time she's trying to make up her mind. I am struggling to let go of a 3 year relationship that was also characterised by a lot of breaks but at some point you need to do what is good for you. It's hard, I'm going a through a lot of pain as well but you have to bite the bullet and tell her that you can't take it anymore, it's either she's in or out.

Good luck!

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

tell her to be honest with you ask her str8 up what going on...she cant keep you like a little puppy waiting for her while she takes her break...shes starting to like the break thing ist she...i dont believe in breaks but i think that if there should be that in a relationship there should only be one break...depending on how long you have been in the relationship...if your partner keeps taking all these breaks often there is definetly something wrong...especially because your gf takes her breaks when her ex bf comes back...ex bfs always find a way to get their ex gfs to start liking them again and so that way they could keep them aroud when eva they feel horny...if the girl doesnt have strong feelings for you there could be a chnce that she might fall for that trap...she probably already did...make her choose.. does she want to keep playing with you and having you on the side or does she want to be with you...if she doesnt know **** her den its her loss..watch her ex will end up hurting her and she will come back to you crying saying shes sorry and that you were a great guy but she wot want to get back she would still want to talk to you but not get back...shes going to keep messing with your head if you let her...

[josh200536]

I have asked her about why she always wants a break when he's around.. She says it has nothing to do with him and that she has no feelings for him.. They have been talking on myspace and on the phone about every night.. Me being the sneaky person that i m have read a couple of myspace messages from them.. There really wasn't anything to be disapointed about, there wasn't much said.. It's not like there telling each other they miss one another or anything like that.. I've just about got to the point to where i can't handle it.. Last night i was going to bed and she started textin me and then later called me and was acting like everything was fine.. Later this morning i received a text message from her saying "i love you".. I mean i do know she loves me.. Put there comes a point to where this stuff should end.. I've felt terrbile the past 4-5 days because of this.. I can't sleep, eat etc. It's really hard for me to give up on almost 4 yrs.. I mean what's the point? He goes off to college @ the University of Cincinnati in January. While she attends a local college.. It's about a 2 hour drive from where i live to cincinnati. I just feel like when January comes around she goin to be like i love you and wanna spend time with you and what not because he's not around.. Should i really just help myself and end it now? I'm going through so much stress right now because of school and work i have no life.. And all i do is worry about this situation.

[josh200536]

anyone else?

[Summer_guy_uk]

If she's not giving straight answers then I would be suspicious.

If it were me (and I'm by no mean an expert) I would confront her with my suspicions and word it so that she knows you want everything to be good and honest in this relationship and if theres anything wrong you two can work through it.

 

If she still says no...what can you do?

 

Carry on knowing that she may be cheating on you?

Or move on knowing that you were the only one fully in the relationship.

[josh200536]

She's just saying there friends and that's all.. Which it is beleiveable and she said today she does want to be with me and no one else.. It's just really hard to go through this because i always think of the worst possible scenario about things. I mean do i countinue to feel this pain about this relationship or move on while the pain eventually goes away? I haven't seen her for about 4-5 days and its painful. Today we talked on the phone about 3-4 times and everything seemed to be fine. I don't know if she's playing with my head or what?

[Summer_guy_uk]

Well think about it the other way round.

 

1. If you had an ex who came to visit every now and then, would you break up/have a break to go see them?

 

2. If you wanted to see your ex for some exciting forbidden sex? How would you not feel so guilty? A small break so your not 100% together perhaps?

 

3. If you were questioned about it, felt guilty but wanted to keep things going on like they are, you would lie about it and say nothing is going on your just friends.

 

That's my take on it.

[josh200536]

1. No i wouldn't.

2. Perhaps

3. I really don't think there's nothing going on with them but there's always that little voice in my head that says there is.. Today has been completely different for the past few days.. She has called me alot and has just wanted to talk to me about everything under the sun.. And she reashured me that she did want to be with me.. She's telling me that they were really close friends before me and her meet. I can understand that because i think they were.. She told me that there just talking about helping each other out.. She said he has similiar stuff going on with him.. Him dating some girl or something.. I know she loves me.. And i have been doing the NC thing with her.. I decided if she wants to talk she'll talk or call me.. It has been working.. I had 5 missed calls on my phone last night all from her while sleeping and then she decided to call my home phone and talked to me..

[Harpe]

I really think that you need to open your eyes to what is happening Josh.

 

That little voice that tells you that something is wrong, that something more is going on, that is your gut speaking, and somehow your gut is ALWAYS right. ALWAYS. You two are on a break, and she is seeing her EX all the time...far more than just suspicious.

 

A woman who truly loved and respected you and who truly was afraid of losing you would not keep asking for these "breaks". Right now she is keeping you on the back burner while she goes of with this other guy, and your EGO is not letting you realize this situation for what it is. She knows how to feed your ego, by constantly calling you, by telling you that she loves you, etc...

 

In case you haven't guessed it, giving in to your EGO is always bad...it makes you hold onto situations you know are hopeless in order to try and maintain your self esteem. You must supress your EGO and start listening to your gut, because your gut always wants what is best for you, your gut knows your worth.

 

The problem here though is that your girlfriend is not a woman, she is a girl. A party girl by your own admission. And most girls (especially the ones that like to party), are not fit for LTR's. She is reaching a point in her life where she will want to go out and party and meet new people...and if you continue to hold on to her and to put all your emotional eggs into one basket, you will get burned, big time....It may not happen in a month, it may not happen for another year, but it WILL happen.

 

If you want to avoid feeling like you are now (and maybe even worse further down the road), you need to focus on your social life and less on your work (though you should still focus on school...) I am not saying give up your job, but maybe cut down your hours or cut down your tv watching, etc.

 

If you had other girls who were interested in you (and you SHOULD at your age), you would not feel so worried, so needy. and your "girlfriend" would sense this and would herself WORRY about losing you more than she already does (and she does still because she is always calling/etc...BUT you are her backup plan). your VALUE to her would go up, probably so much so that she would not risk pulling this kind of ****.

 

My advice would be to ditch her completely at this point, not in a mean or angry way, but in a mature way. Let her know that you know your own WORTH, and that, you are sorry, but you deserve to be treated better, or that you just want to date other people, but that you still think she is an amazing person. Say good luck with life/etc, keep in touch....and move on...then maybe YOU will be the EX she always desires and wants to meet up with. You are young and at this point in your life you should be dating many different women to build up your confidence, and to get to find out what it is you want in a woman... <---TAKE THIS ADVICE

 

IF you don't feel you are strong enough to do this (though you are...as you are only as strong as you think you are), listen to my advice about building up the other areas of your life besides work/school (though still have your FOCUS on school), and, even if you get "back together" with your girlfriend, work on having other women interested in you, even if you would never do anything with them while you are with your "girlfriend."

 

Good luck my friend.

[josh200536]

Thanks for your advice.. I've already cut back on my hours @ work 2-3 weeks ago.. I'm currently going through a Police Acadamy right now and that about all the time i have.. Is work.. school then home.. I work from 6 am to 2 pm.. Go to school from 5pm-9pm. It's really hard to do anything at this point as i'm about flat out tired when i get home..I don't wanna say she's putting me on the back burner or whatever.. but after i've read some messages from her and him there hasn't been much said.. I do believe they are just friends.. Like she says if i wanted to be with him i would.. Which i beleive that.. I always tell her she's making a mistake about this.. and that i treat her better then anyone would.. She's starting to come around alot more and talk to me about the whole situation.. But @ about this point i think this break is starting to help me out some to see exactly what life would be without her.. It's hard to say that but it's true.. I hate putting most of my life into this relationship and getting nothing back.. I mean this is alot of stress right now for me to go through and with the holidays and everything it's even more..

[Harpe]

I have been in your situation before, putting more and more into a relationship and getting less and less back. Girlfriends/boyfriend should be there to add to ones life, to take stress away, not add to it. Recognizing that you can survive without her will help relieve your stress levels a lot, and will help you either reconcile things with her, or move on if things go south. Also, putting your emotional well being on one person is a lot for someone to handle, and may lead her to feeling smothered, and increase your pain if things go south.

 

However, one thing you have to learn is that you cannot only listen to her words, you have to watch a woman's ACTIONS. I have had MULTIPLE (well, 2) women tell me they love me, tell me that they want us to be a closer and stronger couple, only later to find out that they were cheating on me....I have not become bitter by it, but it has opened my eyes to the way some (probably more than you think) women (and I am sure some men) operate, and made my dealings with women a whole lot easier from then on. ACTIONS NOT WORDS is something you will find most people agree with...

 

One more thing I will say is that she instigated a break with you, though you are still providing her with all of the emotional validation she needs it seems...you cannot continue to treat her well or even better after that....I am not saying to become mean and cold towards her....but be more emotionally distant and less validating to her...If she is ever going to treat you right there has to be consequences for her disrespectful and hurtful actions towards you, otherwise she will just keep doing it, as it seems like right now she thinks she can get you back as soon as he leaves, or she decides she wants you....to keep up the primal attraction level you have to be more of a challenge to her, more of a man. That is why you going NC made her crazy for you and call you 5 times...keep that sort of thing up. Also make sure that the conversations she has with you aren't always emotionaly demading...you need to be more dominant, confident, tease her, make her flirt with you more (but don't overdo it), these are the sorts of things that create and maintain attraction no matter how long a couple has been going out..if there is still attraction on her part, I am sure you will see results...

[myhotrod123456789]

Harpe, it's amazing how spot on your last two posts are. I couldn't have said it any better myself. And in fact, I think you got in words how I have felt for a long time now. Thank you for that.

 

Hopefully this is somehow insightful to josh. I am in a confusing situation with an ex (together 5 years, broke up a year ago). She lives about an hour away and when we finally get a chance to hang out, everything is great and wonderful and physical, but when there is distance between us her actions don't synch up with her words and it just doesn't make any sense to me. She tells me that she broke off a relationship a few months ago with another guy because she still had feelings for me and that she is only interested in me and nobody else, but wants to take things slow. But, do you not respond to emails or calls for 2 days from someone that you definitely want to be with? By acting as her emotional crutch, I think she continues to do what she does because she knows she can get away with it. Slowing down this cycle is so much easier said than done because I do love hanging out with her and I really do look forward to her company. But actions are the ultimate indicator of someone's feelings.

 

If she is initiating breaks then she is using you as a crutch. It is a way of keeping you on a leash so that you don't stray far while she can feel guilt free about her desires. Through YOUR actions, you need to make it clear that she can't treat you like that.

[josh200536]

Well some breaking news.. Tuesday night i got a text message from her saying "tell me when no ones up" this was @ about 9:30 pm.. My mom was up but i went ahead and said no one was up.. She then replied "look outside". I look outside and there she is in her car.. I was kinda shocked to see her... She came in and we started to talk about a few things. It was weird for both of us because we haven't seen each other in about a week or so.. We ended up talking for about 2-3 hours about are problems and just random stuff.. Ended up staying up until about 2:30 am. having to be @ work in about 3 hours.. But she ended up apoligizing for the whole situation that was going on.. I told her that she needs to realize that i'm not taking a break again and if it happens again that i'm done.. She said she was very sorry that she has hurt me like this and started to cry about it.. She thinks that my feelings have changed for her.. After all this discussion everything seems to be fine.. Were back together, things are starting to get back to the way they were before all this happened. She's been calling off the hook.. It was a rough situation for both of us.. I think that giving her NC and acting like everything was fine got her to start thinking about how big of a mistake she was making. But what changed her mind about everything? I'll never really know.. I still feel weird asking her to do anything.. but i guess i'll eventually get over it sometime.. It's still stressful to think about it sometimes though espically when i'm alone..

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

lucky.....i wish i had ur luck...