sally4sara Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Excuse me? A...ffaire? O...ther woman? What are you talking about? This is not the so called other women breaking a marriage. If we get to know each other and find out we are really for each other, especially if he finds me more for him than his current girlfriend, what could happen (the worst in your eyes) is just he ends his relationship with his girlfriend (not a wife, ok?), and we end up happily together. Of course his girlfriend will be sad, but he will be happier. What's wrong with that? Affair? Other woman? Not in this case. If these are your standards then don't be surprised if later it gets played on you like this too. The whole getting to know you better is part of dating. You will be dating a guy who still has sex with a girl who thinks she is in a committed relationship. Don't get your beginnings and endings confused just because he is the only one paying you any attention right now. That's selfish. If you are so right about this then why don't you just call her up and say: "hey, your guy has been giving me the eye, so we're going to get to know each other better and decide if you should be replaced, Cool?"
sally4sara Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Oh, really? Do you know him? Perhaps he's secretly married? A bachelor lives alone. The other woman, is someone who will work behind the scenes and not let on the the guy's girl what she's up to. A friend will be around the girlfriend and not think about getting with the guy. Which one are you sounding like?
sally4sara Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I got to ask....if this guy was with your sister, mother, best friend would what you're considering doing be okay? I don't know every woman on Earth, but I do know everyone has feelings and we women go through enough crap simply due to our gender, we shouldn't be adding problems to each other's lives.
JerseyShortie Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I only have two things to say. 1) The grass always looks greener in someone else's pasture. 2) If he is doing it with you, he will do it TO you. Meaning, expect to be the next girl he leaves in 5-6 years because you aren't meeting his needs anymore. Don't be so naive to think you are so special a woman that you will somehow make him the happiest man ever just by your radient beauty and mere exsistance. He has to figure out how to be happy with himself and stop looking to women to make him happy.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Excuse me? A...ffaire? O...ther woman? What are you talking about? This is not the so called other women breaking a marriage. If we get to know each other and find out we are really for each other, especially if he finds me more for him than his current girlfriend, what could happen (the worst in your eyes) is just he ends his relationship with his girlfriend (not a wife, ok?), and we end up happily together. Of course his girlfriend will be sad, but he will be happier. What's wrong with that? Affair? Other woman? Not in this case. I guess you can just continue to say whatever makes you feel better about going after someone else's boyfriend. If you are with him, and he has a girlfriend then yes, that does make you the OW, and it is an affair. You don't need to be married in order for those conditions to apply. I've seen a lot of justifying before, but this one is really over the top. I don't think I've seen an OW yet on here who denied that she was OW simply because the man she was going after wasn't married. Even in my worst OW days I wouldn't have thought to try to justify it that way. A committed relationship is a committed relationship. Honestly, I think he should break up with her. She would be better off without someone like him, and since it sounds like you don't have a problem with guys who cheat then perhaps you and he are best suited for each other. I think if you were in her shoes, your story would be sounding a lot different - and chances are, if you stay with this guy you'll find out what it is like soon enough.
Racquel Colette Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Men really are considered single until they are engaged or married. That is it. Fact is, he doesn't love his current girlfriend enough to marry her, even though it is clear that is what she wants. However he has kept her hanging all these years in an unhappy and anxious state. So I think you have a shot here. It is probably difficult for him, who knows, if he dumps her, he risks her possibly committing suicide. But the thing is, he has to be the one to make advances to you, and then eventually break it off with the "girlfriend." I would date him as normal without sleeping with him, of course, however, he has to be the one to pursue you. And if you do start dating, he should break up and move out of said "girlfriend's" house within four months.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Men really are considered single until they are engaged or married. That is it. Are you serious? I'm sure plenty of people in long term relationships will tell you otherwise.
Lizzie60 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I didn't read the whole thread but I think this guy is 'shopping' around ..that's why he doesn't want to leave her unless he finds someone else. My bet is that he will leave her as soon as he finds someone compatible with him. That's my take on this... He is not married so I think he is allowed to look around.
gonetildecember Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Men really are considered single until they are engaged or married. That is it. Fact is, he doesn't love his current girlfriend enough to marry her, even though it is clear that is what she wants. However he has kept her hanging all these years in an unhappy and anxious state. So I think you have a shot here. It is probably difficult for him, who knows, if he dumps her, he risks her possibly committing suicide. But the thing is, he has to be the one to make advances to you, and then eventually break it off with the "girlfriend." I would date him as normal without sleeping with him, of course, however, he has to be the one to pursue you. And if you do start dating, he should break up and move out of said "girlfriend's" house within four months. Since when is anyone considered single until they are engaged or married? Commited relationships, living together, etc.... those ppl are all single? We don't know why he hasn't married his current girlfriend. She isn't part of their relationship.. so who really knows... they could be saving up for it.. or maybe once of them isn't ready. Many ppl date for 6 years without getting married ..and end up doing so later. Who are we to speculate on their relationship. Talking to him in order to get to know him better pretty much= Dating.. Dating another persons boyfriend (live-in) I think is pretty much not a cool idea. Like several posters mentionned.. if this was yours or your moms or sisters bf...would you be telling him to shop around...get to know someone to see if they are the better deal? I highly doubt. And what sort of advances has he made towards you..could it be he's just a big flirt and you're taking that as more? You've said this has been going on for 3 plus years....has he ever clearly come out in those 3 years and say that he is interested in pursuing something with you. IMO he's taken until he ends it with her. If he's willing to do that before he starts getting to know you.. cool. If not, spare yourself the pain and drama.
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Finally I'm reading some more reasonable, balanced comments here. Thank you. Let me tell you a little more. No, he is not the kind of guy that "shops" around or easily dumps a girl for another. I believe he liked me from the first time he saw me. Since then he would often try to get close to me, but he is *very, very shy* and never initiated any conversation with me, which is also partly why I didn't respond to him, because I would expect/prefer a man to be more "aggressive" in pursuing a woman he likes. I think that he was somewhat afraid of a rejection on my side. But, again, the main point is he is *very, very shy*. There's no doubt he likes me a lot. It's also clear to me that he has always had a special fondness of my cultural background. He once mentioned that he had had a female friend of similar background (he was saying this to someone else but meant to let me hear it). I'm not sure if that was a former girlfriend or not. He does not get this from the current girlfriend. The current girlfriend seems to be from a more well-to-do family than both him and me. And she's more aggressive than him and looks like she wants to get a tight hold of him. He is a very quiet and shy fellow. This is why I'm asking myself whether I should start talking to him, for otherwise he may never have the "guts" to talk to me.
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 In my last post I was referring to Racquel and Lizzie's posts when I said "more reasonable and balanced".
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 if this was yours or your moms or sisters bf...would you be telling him to shop around...get to know someone to see if they are the better deal? I highly doubt. You are right, I wouldn't, however, if he were my brother, then I'll want him to be as happy as possible and tell him to pursue happiness where available/possible. He hasn't tied the knot with the current girlfriend so he is free. If he leaves her, yes, she will likely be heart-broken, but that is life and she'll have to accept the fact that her boyfriend likes someone more than her. That is the difference betweeen marriage and non-marriage. Many couples move in together to see whether they are really for each other. It may turn out either way. Who's to say the girlfriend will not meet another man more compatible with her?
Lizzie60 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Then.. if you think that he would be too shy to talk to you... go for it! Then you'll know what his intentions are. My bet is that he will leave her for you... but then again, I could be wrong... it's just a feeling. Keep us informed!
gonetildecember Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 By more reasonable and balanced you mean what you were hoping to hear? By talking to him, and you doing the pursuing.. what so you expect to happen? Will you really be okay with talking to this guy and getting to know him, then having him go home everynight to his live-i girlfriend of seven years? What about his girlfriend? You're acquaintances with her as well right.. will this getting to know him be a secret or out in the open? How will the two of you act around her? You can continue to highlight the flaws in their relationship: cultural background, differences in their personalities, etc., but it doesn't change the fact that he is still with her. You think that maybe he is looking for someone else to be with before he decides to leave?
Lizzie60 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 You are right, I wouldn't, however, if he were my brother, then I'll want him to be as happy as possible and tell him to pursue happiness where available/possible. He hasn't tied the knot with the current girlfriend so he is free. If he leaves her, yes, she will likely be heart-broken, but that is life and she'll have to accept the fact that her boyfriend likes someone more than her. That is the difference betweeen marriage and non-marriage. Many couples move in together to see whether they are really for each other. It may turn out either way. Who's to say the girlfriend will not meet another man more compatible with her? This totally makes sense. Even if the guy was married.. he could have made a mistake and realized it once he finds someone he likes more. Marriage does not equal to certainty about one's feeling. Don't worry for her.. no one dies from a heartbreak. She'll meet someone else. Who can say that you're NOT the one for him???? Nobody.
gonetildecember Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 You are right, I wouldn't, however, if he were my brother, then I'll want him to be as happy as possible and tell him to pursue happiness where available/possible. He hasn't tied the knot with the current girlfriend so he is free. If he leaves her, yes, she will likely be heart-broken, but that is life and she'll have to accept the fact that her boyfriend likes someone more than her. That is the difference betweeen marriage and non-marriage. Many couples move in together to see whether they are really for each other. It may turn out either way. Who's to say the girlfriend will not meet another man more compatible with her? And I don't disagree, but from a womans stand point I think that it is WRONG to move in when you clearly know that he is commited to someone else. Just think about if you were in her shoes. I'm all for finding someone to make you as happy as possible, but testing the waters while the other person thinks you are 100% commited to them just seems kinda bad to me. Many couples move in to test things out and see where things are going... but commiting yourself to another person also means that YOU ARE commited to them,whether you are married or not. If it didn't .. what would be the point of relationships or commitment period? I can see what you're saying.. the deal isn't sealed..technically they aren't glued to each other, but that is still her man. They live together...and you still haven't said how you know he's so into you. I understand he is shy...but after three years? What kinda signs is this guy giving you?
sally4sara Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 In my last post I was referring to Racquel and Lizzie's posts when I said "more reasonable and balanced". You realize they are OW right? Of course they see your side. If your are comfortable being nothing more than the scratch to the 7 year itch, go for it. I would like to think better of you, but I can't if you won't.
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Thank you, Lizzie. Many couples move in to test things out and see where things are going... but commiting yourself to another person also means that YOU ARE commited to them,whether you are married or not. If it didn't .. what would be the point of relationships or commitment period? Well, if you are so committed, then why call it "test"? You realize they are OW right? Of course they see your side. If your are comfortable being nothing more than the scratch to the 7 year itch, go for it. There seems to be a kind of bitterness in your remarks, although I don't know where it comes from. And why do you say it's a "7 year itch"? It started 3 years ago.
gonetildecember Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Thank you, Lizzie. Well, if you are so committed, then why call it "test"? There seems to be a kind of bitterness in your remarks, although I don't know where it comes from. And why do you say it's a "7 year itch"? It started 3 years ago. Test things as in see how things change when they move in together/test "their" compatibility together...not test as in...let me live with you and this works for me unless someone better comes along.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Let's say you go for it, and he makes it clear that he will not leave his girlfriend. Will you continue to see him?
sally4sara Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Thank you, Lizzie. Well, if you are so committed, then why call it "test"? There seems to be a kind of bitterness in your remarks, although I don't know where it comes from. And why do you say it's a "7 year itch"? It started 3 years ago. You said they've been dating 6-7 years...their relationship? I know you are trying to forget about that. I know it doesn't always happen at 7 years like clockwork, but sometimes even good relationships hit bumps or get in a rut. It would be nice to think that two people could work through it without opportunistic people jumping in the mix, but there will always be people in their own personal ruts looking for a pick me up. Like you. Please take note (cause I did) of when you said it was probably from the moment he saw you three years ago. What an ego boost it would be if that were the case! Just the kind of pick me up a person in their own little rut would welcome. Bitterness.......no, I've never had a long term bf leave me for someone else. I am however in a long term relationship with no plans to get married soon if ever. We don't believe in a marriage license we could easily get just because I'm female and he is male. We also don't find it to be something that would make us love each other more. If we started having problems and some lonely girl took our lack of papers as a green light, it wouldn't change how disgusted I'd be by her actions. For all the offenses I've made, stealing someone's man has always been something I've considered truly low. While I wouldn't be stunned to find someone out there did it and lived happily ever after, I've personally never seen anything good come from it. I am hopeful that the increase of girls in team sports teaches the next generation's girls to not do these things to each other. I am in general, embarrassed by those of my gender that try to undercut those they envy rather than celebrate them and go after their own happiness. I am sad whenever I hear of another woman taking this approach. It is self defeating. I wish more parents would teach their daughters to respect themselves enough to make a guy go about winning their hearts with honor rather than use women as lily pads when things get rough. Hop, hop, hop. It shouldn't be that easy for him to get to you. If it is, if you let it be, you won't be able to know he will not hop off when you stop being easy. He only sees you when you are prepared to be seen, he doesn't even really know you. Are you so easily won? Will you be his so easily? I sound bitter? Think about it. I'm not one of the people telling you this is okay and relationships don't matter if they are not your's (yet). So I must have some belief that everyone can find happiness, even if they go about it the hard way. I must have SOME reason to think this way. Could it be that I know it can be done first hand? If you want the guy, then you want the guy. All I'm saying is don't be so easily won. Make him earn you. He absolutely could be in the wrong relationship for him. But if you want a shot at being the right one, make him clear his plate. I don't even know you and I know you deserve it. I'd just like you to believe it too.
Author pnm Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 Let's say you go for it, and he makes it clear that he will not leave his girlfriend. Will you continue to see him? Hey what are you talking about? I'm only thinking about starting to talk to him as a *response* to his interest, to get to know each other. Who knows, maybe it will be me who decides to quit.
Author pnm Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 I am however in a long term relationship with no plans to get married soon if ever. ... If we started having problems and some lonely girl took our lack of papers as a green light, it wouldn't change how disgusted I'd be by her actions. It's clear now where you come from. And all your remarks.
sally4sara Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 It's clear now where you come from. And all your remarks. And that will be all you focus on, rather than hear that I think you deserve better. Because you probably didn't bother reading the rest. sounding more and more like a shortcut kind of girl.
Author pnm Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 And that will be all you focus on, rather than hear that I think you deserve better. But why are you so sure that I would be better off not pursuing this opportunity of happiness?
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