pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 There's a young man in his thirties, who has been living with his girlfriend for quite a few years (perhaps 6 or 7 years), and they are both easy going and apparently are getting along well, often traveling together. Well, he has been very interested in me (or likes me) and has been implicitly sending me the signal trying to get to know me better (we scarcely talked but see each other often on public occasions). I like him and would have get friendly with him if he doesn't have a girlfriend already. Although they are not married yet, it's clear the girlfriend is looking forward to the marriage with full confidence. So I'm not sure what's the right thing to do. It would be not moral to take someone else's boyfriend away, especially when we are all around one another often on almost weekly basis. On the other hand, the guy really is interested in me--in fact he has been so for about three years now, but I never responded because I had someone else in mind. Now that "someone" is gone from my mind, and my heart is free to be in love again. Please share your thoughts. Thank you.
Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 They have been living together for 6 - 7 years is not 'a few'. That is a long time and I'm sure they both know each other very well. This is how I see it. If he really is interested in you, he would tell his girlfriend things are just not working out anymore and then concentrate on you. It has been 3 years, you say? Why hasn't he acted on it if he really did have that long time of interest in you? Yes, it is not right to mess with someone else's boyfriend especially if they're friends of yours! Reading your story really made me wonder about getting into relationships. Girl, that someone is gone from your mind but she is still on his mind and so is he on hers! I think you already know what is the right thing to do but you're so caught up with his crush for you. I would suggest you back off and spend less time with them.
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Leia, I'm sorry but your indignation is unjustified. "I would suggest you back off and spend less time with them." Back off? from where? I didn't do anything whatsoever. I wouldn't have been posting here if I had no moral sense. We can't avoid seeing one another where we study/work. "Girl"? LOL. I appreciate your taking the time to reply to me, but you speak in such a righteous way as if you know what's in every one of us's mind.
CD111 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Ok to put it another way. Yes, it's totally morally wrong for you to get involved with this guy. Unless they have an open relationship or are swingers, then I guess it wouldn't matter so much; however, you would have to have that mindset also. If that is not the case, then just move on. Who would really want to be with a guy that has been in a relationship for that long and hit on you for the last three years? If the guy really wanted to be with you he would have left his gf already.
Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I suppose I hit a nerve. PNM, you haven't done anything but really, would you want someone else's guy when they have been together for so long? She's looking forward to building a life with this man... put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel?
LN99 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I think what Leia was trying to say is to avoid the situation or at least keep a professional distance. I know this is not what you want to hear, but in this situation, I think its for the best. You say you are around him and his gf on a weekly basis right? He has been sending you signals etc. It happens. Guys find other women attractive. What do they do about it? They either do nothing, break up with their current gf and pursue, or they cheat. Obviously you don't want to be a part of him cheating on her with you. I mean wouldn't that be odd if you all have to see each other weekly? Plus, who's to say he will end things with her? You would end up being a side fling. More then likely, someone will end up hurt, and more then likely, it will be you. It's rare but sometimes showing your interest will trigger him to end his current relationship to be with you. But, I wouldn't count on this. Plus, who is to say he won't do the same to you in a few years when he gets bored? Also, wouldn't that be awkward being around his gf after its all out in the open? Maybe what you should try to do is take the focus off of yourself and put yourself in his gf's shoes. Imagine being with a guy you love for 6-7 years. You plan your future around him etc. Then suddenly he dumps you for someone else.....or you find out he cheats or flirts with other women. How would you feel if some other girl was trying to come in between the two of you? I'm sure you wouldn't like it. So try to keep this in mind. I just see a lot of negative things associated with you acting on your feelings for this guy. Especially since he is dating someone else. If he were single, it would be a different story. And, before you say I don't know what I'm talking about, I have been in your situation. A guy was coming on to me who was in a serious relationship. I opted to ignore it even though I was very attracted to him. I'm glad I did, because I could see nothing but trouble coming out of that situation. It was hard and honestly I wish his gf didn't exist, but she does. He is with her for a reason, and there isn't really much I can do about it. He is the one who has to make a choice. He is choosing to be with her and I wonder if he is truly happy. Probably not, but until he moves on , there is nothing I can NOR will do.
Racquel Colette Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I think it is OK. I mean, this guy is with this woman for 6 to 7 years and hasn't married her yet. He is not really that into her. I would go out with him, if he asks, date him, but do not sleep with him until he's broken up and moved out from his girlfriend. I mean you have to think about yourself here. It's not like you know her. He might really be in love with you and marry you, she is not the one for him if he's a kept her a waiting this long.
CD111 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Racquel's got a point, their relationship maybe one of convenience, however, he needs to figure that out and if that is the case break it off with her. I wouldn't recommend going on official dates with him while he is still with her. It's probably apparent to him that you also have some sort of interest. Be friends and professional, don't cross the line until he's single. However, I would be cautious about dating someone right after they got out of a longer relationship at the risk of being the rebound.
Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Let me see if I understand this correctly, if you were with your boyfriend for 5 years +, it would be alright for him to go out with another woman? You are really okay with it? How sure are you he's not that into her? So for those who have been in a relationship past 6 years, one of them is not into each other just because they are not married yet? How about if they have financial issues that prevent them from getting married? That means he's not into her? I don't know but your post is giving PNM hope and that's the last thing she needs right now. How about the guy's girlfriend's feelings? Yes, PNM needs to think of herself that is why she should step back and see the whole picture. She would most likely be the one to get hurt in the end!
CD111 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Personally I would totally not get involved with a guy like that, the whole fact that he has a girlfriend and hits on her make me thing that he's a creep. But that's just me.
Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Personally I would totally not get involved with a guy like that, the whole fact that he has a girlfriend and hits on her make me thing that he's a creep. But that's just me. The fact that they have been together for so long does not help either. I really hope his girlfriend finds out what a creep her boyfriend is.
CD111 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 pnm, you said this guy works with you. Does he have any authority over you at work? Not that, that changes anything, just wondering.
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 I appreciate all of you taking the time to comment on my situation. Just a couple of clarifications 1. About two of the replies stated "if he were single". Well, he *is* single. Don't say that living together for 6-7 years amounts to almost being married. 2. "Cheating" or "sleeping" is out of question. Just not the type of people here. Honestly, if someone else were in my situation, I wouldn't tell her that she should avoid getting close to him. I don't see anything wrong to respond to a *bachelor* and get to know him better. Just because they have lived for some years together doesn't necessarily mean it's a completely satisfactory relationship for him--even marriages can last 20, 30 years without love. The fact that I'm posting here asking for feedback should tell you that I am a person of some sense of responsibility or ethics. Yes, the girlfriend is looking forward to building a life with him. But you have to also ask what the boyfriend is thinking, right? But, I also agree that, in the end, someone will be hurt, and it probably will be me. That is also one of the reasons I'm posting here to seek your opinions. I do, however, think that in such a situation nothing should prevent us from pursuing what may make us happy. If his current girlfriend really suits him better than me, then she should have enough emotional power to keep him. It's up to her, not to me. I have not pursued him at all. NOT AT ALL. I've been aware of his interest in me since 3 years ago but never return anything whatsoever. If he's pursuing me, it's not me that is taking him away from her. It must be that somehow he finds their relationship not completely to his satisfaction.
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 No, please, he's not "creep". LOL. Don't simplify every real case to sterotypes. He is a fine man! No, all of us are equal here, no authority of one over another.
Star Gazer Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Leia, I'm sorry but your indignation is unjustified. I think your justification of what you really want to do here is what's unjustified. He's taken. Until he voluntarily decides to end his 6-7 year relationship, stay away from him, end of story.
CD111 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Relationships are a two way street, by saying that his gf isn't doing the right things to keep him satisfied suggests he has no fault in why the relationship has hit a low. Who knows maybe he isn't doing enough to keep her happy. I would still consider a guy that has been in a relationship for that long off limits no matter if he is married or not. In reality some people just decided to never marry, but live with someone for the rest of their lives and that's perfectly ok and should be respected. Personally, I wouldn't consider the guy you described as a fine guy, if he is that unhappy he needs to step up and end the relationship. Especially if it has been 3 years. To me it shows insecurity and lack of respect to the other person and the last thing I want is to be with someone that would do that same thing to me. So maybe I wouldn't consider the guy a creep, but it would raise some serious red flags. I can tell you like this guys attention though and I understand how that can make a person feel; however, I wouldn't have a clear conscious if I physically or emotionally became involved with this guy if he still had a gf no matter how I tried to rationalize it and I guess that's the question you have to ask your self.
gonetildecember Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Sorry if I'm not understanding, but I think to most of the population not being married does not = SINGLE. In your clarification post you said he was *single*? The fact that he has a GF and has been living with her for 6-7 years kind of tells me that he is involved in a commited relationship...whether or not he is happy is another question. You seem like you know what you want to do. IMO It's wrong. He's taken.. I would back off. If he decides to end things, then pursue things with you cool.. but getting involved when he is clearly currently someone else's man is wrong.
LN99 Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I know you don't like what you are hearing, but its true. It's just plain wrong to steal someone else's man....married or not. If someone did that to you and you were in a deeply committed relationship(married or not), you would see the logic. The only way this would be right is if they had an "open" agreement. Honestly, I will not say more, because you will try to justify yourself and do what you want to do anyways. Why set yourself up to be hurt? You said before you were in love with someone else. Was he in a relationship too? Why not try someone single and available? Yes, getting attention from someone you are around a lot is nice and can lead to you having feelings. But it's up to YOU what you do about it.
Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I know you don't like what you are hearing, but its true. It's just plain wrong to steal someone else's man....married or not. If someone did that to you and you were in a deeply committed relationship(married or not), you would see the logic. The only way this would be right is if they had an "open" agreement. Honestly, I will not say more, because you will try to justify yourself and do what you want to do anyways. Why set yourself up to be hurt? You said before you were in love with someone else. Was he in a relationship too? Why not try someone single and available? Yes, getting attention from someone you are around a lot is nice and can lead to you having feelings. But it's up to YOU what you do about it. I couldn't agree more! I was about to say the same thing - the part about justifying herself. PNM, you seem to know better (obviously since you're in the situation) and you think it's not wrong to go ahead and date him... so good luck and all the best!
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 1. So I'm not sure what's the right thing to do. 2. It would be not moral to take someone else's boyfriend away, especially when we are all around one another often on almost weekly basis. 3. On the other hand, the guy really is interested in me--in fact he has been so for about three years now, but I never responded because I had someone else in mind. 4. Now that "someone" is gone from my mind, and my heart is free to be in love again. 1. You know what the right thing to do is. You just don't want to do it. The right thing to do is to tell him that you would love to date him, but that you aren't the type of person who dates someone who is involved with someone else, and cut off as much contact with him as possible. If he wants to be with you, he will know that he cannot be involved with someone else. He has to be free to date you. 2. You are right. So why are you considering it? 3. If he was so interested in you, why did he keep his girlfriend? It sounds like he was interested in what he is interested in now: seeing you behind her back, while keeping her as his girlfriend. I'm not sure what that is flattering to you. 4. If you want to be in love with this guy, and have him love you equally and fully then look back up to the first thing I said. That is your only chance with this guy. If you agree to date him while he has a girlfriend, then all you will ever really have is a part time boyfriend who is committed to a life with someone else. Is that what you really want?
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 As I think I've mentioned, we have scarcely talked to each other. Many replies speaks as if I want to date this guy now. No. I just don't see anything wrong to start talking to him and so we'll get to know each other better--just to know each other better. I suppose that's also what he would like to--to know me better. Who knows, maybe then after a while one of us will find the other not really as desirable as thought before, then end of the story. Repeat, just to start talking like normal acquaintances, instead of not speaking to each other at all. Anything wrong with that? Once again thank you for your replies. No, I haven't "be determined to go my way anyway". I wouldn't be posting here.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Repeat, just to start talking like normal acquaintances, instead of not speaking to each other at all. Anything wrong with that? This is how a good deal of affairs start. Your intent and his are clear. You are trying to decide whether or not to engage in an affair with a guy who is seeing someone else. You are at the justifying stage right now. You are at the threshold. You can either go forward, or step back. Just understand that your value to him will be the value you place on yourself. Are you worth OTHER woman or are you worth ONLY woman?
sally4sara Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I appreciate all of you taking the time to comment on my situation. Just a couple of clarifications 1. About two of the replies stated "if he were single". Well, he *is* single. Don't say that living together for 6-7 years amounts to almost being married. 2. "Cheating" or "sleeping" is out of question. Just not the type of people here. Honestly, if someone else were in my situation, I wouldn't tell her that she should avoid getting close to him. I don't see anything wrong to respond to a *bachelor* and get to know him better. Just because they have lived for some years together doesn't necessarily mean it's a completely satisfactory relationship for him--even marriages can last 20, 30 years without love. The fact that I'm posting here asking for feedback should tell you that I am a person of some sense of responsibility or ethics. Yes, the girlfriend is looking forward to building a life with him. But you have to also ask what the boyfriend is thinking, right? But, I also agree that, in the end, someone will be hurt, and it probably will be me. That is also one of the reasons I'm posting here to seek your opinions. I do, however, think that in such a situation nothing should prevent us from pursuing what may make us happy. If his current girlfriend really suits him better than me, then she should have enough emotional power to keep him. It's up to her, not to me. I have not pursued him at all. NOT AT ALL. I've been aware of his interest in me since 3 years ago but never return anything whatsoever. If he's pursuing me, it's not me that is taking him away from her. It must be that somehow he finds their relationship not completely to his satisfaction. He is NOT a bachelor. They may not have a marriage license, but they do have history and finances AND A COMMITMENT. Ignoring all that to justify responding to him is something you do to feel better about it later. If the two of you want any hope of having a good relationship, you will go about it right and responsible. He needs to break up FIRST, before anything ANYTHING develops between the two of you. How would YOU want a guy you have invested 6 -7 years of your life with to handle this? If you want him to have any respect for you down the road, you will tell him to stop trying to start something with you while he still shares a home, finances, and life with someone else. If you REALLY matter to him, if you are so much more suited to be with him, he will do what he needs to to make that happen. Part of who he is and what makes him attractive is her influence in his life. You don't know him like she does and he doesn't really know the nitty gritty of you yet either. For all you know, what he sees in you is simply unexplored territory and newness. The whole "all you see in me is what you no longer see in her" logic could come back to bite you in the butt. Just do yourself a favor and demand he earn a relationship with you. Do you really want to have a relationship with his bordom? Is that all you're worth?
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 This is how a good deal of affairs start. Your intent and his are clear. You are trying to decide whether or not to engage in an affair with a guy who is seeing someone else. You are at the justifying stage right now. You are at the threshold. You can either go forward, or step back. Just understand that your value to him will be the value you place on yourself. Are you worth OTHER woman or are you worth ONLY woman? Excuse me? A...ffaire? O...ther woman? What are you talking about? This is not the so called other women breaking a marriage. If we get to know each other and find out we are really for each other, especially if he finds me more for him than his current girlfriend, what could happen (the worst in your eyes) is just he ends his relationship with his girlfriend (not a wife, ok?), and we end up happily together. Of course his girlfriend will be sad, but he will be happier. What's wrong with that? Affair? Other woman? Not in this case.
Author pnm Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 He is NOT a bachelor. Oh, really? Do you know him? Perhaps he's secretly married?
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