Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I usually am here lurking around using my cousin's account. I've been reading on this forum for quite some time and thought it would be good to let out the things I have kept inside me for quite some time so I registered and here I am right now pouring out my thoughts/feelings. I don't consider myself an OW but I have been involved with a few men who were attached. I realized that on this board, the OW/OM are not judgemental so again, I'm sure some of you will be supportive or rather have some input into my situation. Back to my story, most of the men I was involved with, I didn't know they were attached/engaged/married. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my past. I think my past has something to do with my being single right now. I have had serious relationships with single men but they didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I was just sitting around watching TV last night when it hit me that I have always attracted attached men. The first one that I remember was this guy who was a barista at one of the cafes. I was 16 at that time. We got along well and I thought we had something. He said he wanted to have a relationship with me and all that. I started spending my time doing my homework/revisions at that cafe after school. I realized some of his co-workers look at me as if I did something wrong. I noticed one particular girl always looking at me like daggers were coming out from her eyes. 2 months later, I found out that was his fiancee. I was so humiliated. I broke it off with him. After that I met a few guys, went out with some single ones but deep down inside I always put up walls around me for fear that they might end up having a girlfriend already or fiancee. College was alright. I went out with a few of my collegemates but nothing serious. I used to have a clique of friends in college, about 7 of us guys and girls. We had a lot of fun together. One of them developed feelings for me and the more I spent time with him, the more I like him. So we had something going on. Guess what? Turned out he has a girlfriend back in his hometown. I found out when she came to visit him during the holidays. Then after college, I worked in a spa exclusively for women. It was a great experience for me working there. Got to know a lot celebrities and what not. The spa is in one of the buildings here in the city. I'd go out and have lunch with my colleagues sometimes or by myself most of the time. I went out for lunch one day and I met an old friend of mine. This guy, we got to know each other through some friends when I was in college. He was seeing someone on and off and so was I. During that time, my boyfriend cheated on me. That was my first serious boyfriend. This guyfriend of mine - Y - his girlfriend would go out with my cheating boyfriend sometimes. Yeah complicated but both Y and I had nothing going on. We were just friends. Anyway, when I met him in the building; we caught up with what went on and he told me he got married to the girlfriend and that they have a son. We went out for lunch sometimes. Week after week, I noticed some changes in him. He would wait forme after work and even offer to send me home. I told him no because it would not be approriate. After a few weeks, he told me things were not going well at home and I became his shoulder to cry on. I told him I can be a friend but nothing more. Nothing happened. I didn't even have any feelings for him because he is married and I know what it would do to his family as my cheating ex-boyfriend hurt me big time. A few years back, I worked in another company that deal with a lot of clients. I have a team leader - S - who I was attracted to. We hit it off. He told me about getting married to me... we made plans to have kids... stuff like that. The whole company knew we went home together and sometimes went to work together. He met my family. We would plan our off days together so that we can go out and catch a movie stuff like that. A few months after all that, I heard rumours that he was engaged. I confronted him and true enough, he got engaged just a week after I came into the company. I got so upset! I thought to myself, what is wrong with me??? Why is it that I always end up with someone's boyfriend/fiancee? Why is it that married men think they can get more out of me? S's fiancee even have an idea about me from girls of the other department. The thing is, if everyone knew why didn't they say anything??? I really didn't know and he had no indication at all that he was engaged to be married. He kept it a secret for months!!! Met my family!!!! It took me ages to get over the hurt. I felt so betrayed by all these men. I do attract single men but I always wonder if they have someone else. The biggest blow was my 2 ex-boyfriend. 'M' was an old friend of mine. We all hung out in a big group and sometimes I would bump into him but thought nothing of him. In fact, he wasn't my type at all. I love clean cut men and he wasn't one. Somehow, we got to know moer about each other and I thought not bad seeing that he wasn't my type. He would pick me up from work and whenever his sister's car is not around, he would use his cousin's car. I would sleep over at his place sometimes. He was still friends with his ex-girlfriend when we were dating. It was because he felt he owed her seeing that she has helped him a lot in his business and also he got her pregnant. They went for abortion so he felt it was the least he could do - to be there for her all the time. I guess you all can guess what happened throughout all this. I thought she was the OW. Turned out I was the one. She would call me up and call me names. M was close to my family as well so I didn't think he would do anything to hurt my feelings. My brothers were proctective of me and made sure he knew about that. AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!! This is all bringing back bad memories! The cousin's car was actually his ex-girlfriend's car. They didn't break up at all. Thinking back a few months after we broke up, I know why he wouldn't hold my hands when we go out. In fact, we didn't go out at all very much. He said he was not a fan of the movies or hanging out cafes. Going out to eat was never a good idea because he's rather cook at home. All along it was because he didn't want to bump into his girlfriend or her friends. I don't know if I should be mad at men or myself. I feel so stupid. I have guys coming after me now... but I don't open up to them because I am scared that the same thing will happen all over again. I really can't bear the thought of going through all that. I am even scared of getting married. I don't think it's a good idea at all. I have nothing against OW/OM because I know some didn't know they are seeing married people until it was too late. Seriously, do you think something is wrong with me? Physically I really don't think so and well, mentally, I'm healthy in the sense that I am not clingy or needy. I can survive on my own but I think no matter how independant I can be I long for some love from a man but I am afraid of that.
norajane Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Maybe it's your independence? You give them so much room that they can carry on whole other relationships (even engagements!) without you knowing. Have you tried being more demanding - requiring that they see you often, spend whole weekends together, call each other every night or close to, go on vacations together, spend the holidays together, take you out places in public, drop by their place unexpectedly with some coffee, spend a lot of time at their place, pay attention to their cell phone use when they're with you, go to parties together where both sets of friends (yours and his) might be... And be less trusting of "exes". They're often trouble, one way or another. Either it's not quite over, or they can get involved again pretty easily - especially if your bf is the one who pines away for his ex and absolutely refuses to diminish the attention he pays to his ex.
Author Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Holys***! I didn't realize how long my post is!! I'm so sorry for what you had to read through!! To answer your questions - I thought of that. It could be my independence but I did demand a lot of time spent with those guys. Some actually had a lot of time to spare with me. I think because at that time, those girls were busy with their own stuff or maybe some people are just good at juggling time. I know I am but I would never use it to date 2 or 3 people at one time! Like one of them, Y - I spent the nights at his place. He was really good. He talked to his ex (which was actually his girlfriend) as if he was talking to a guyfriend. So I really thought at that time he was actually conversing with his buddies. Even his buddies know how to act around me when we went out together!!! I have dropped by at his place during those times but didn't catch anything. Too bad! Ex-es are bad news, alright! I have no ex-es that I would want to be friends with. 2 of them cheated on me and both wanted me back but I have had enough. 1 ex was just plain confused with what he wants in life so I don't have time for that!
White Flower Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Hi Newbie;), I used to wonder about this, too. Almost every guy I dated as a young teen was already attached to another and it would kill me to discover it every time. I used to think I only attracted attached guys. So I became a Born Again Christian and married really young:eek:. And I won't bore you with all the attached guys who came my way--the list would be too long. But I did get the feeling I wasn't good enough to be somebody's main squeeze for a long time. A whole lot has happened since then and you can catch up on me through my other threads and posts. But what I have come to realize is that most guys, well especially young guys, tend to be fickle and play around a lot. Once they fall in love with their life partner they can become pretty loyal. It appears you are still young and still haven't seen the loyalty side of men yet. I have found myself all these years (25) later, however, involved with a MM and have decided to end it. I still don't think I attracted this situation, though. I think for him it was a fear-of-retirement-afraid-to-die kind of thing and needed one last fling or something and for me it was something to kill the pain of a dying marriage. Definitely a learning lesson, but I don't think it is a pattern. FWIW.
Author Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Hi! So I guess I am not alone! That's what I thought too!! I thought I was not good enough for any guy to want me to be their number one! I think I know how to read your posts and threads. My cousin was nice enough to show me how to use this forum and I must say, so far I am liking it! I do think some guys especially those in the early twenties are quite fickle. I just wish I could find someone who is just like me but what fun would that be, right?? It saddens me to see some of my friends with their boyfriends. I can tell their boyfriends are loyal except for a few of them who hit on me behind their girlfriends' backs! So I think it's no surprise why I find it hard to trust men?? I'm glad to know that you've decided to end it. I think a woman deserves to be with a man that can love her fully and no one else. I don't think it's easy but oh well anything is possible. I think it's a pattern for me. I mean look at my history of dating men!! I don't go out of my way to hit on married men or those engaged to be married. In fact nowadays, married men just don't wear rings anymore so how would I know! Some of them hang out at clubs with their buddies! Arrrghhhh!!! I have come to a point where I am quite cynical when it comes to relationships and I don't like that because I am a loving person. I love being in love and loving someone but with all that happened it makes me sick.
Author Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Thank you for your input! I really appreciate it. Both of you!
White Flower Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I have come to a point where I am quite cynical when it comes to relationships and I don't like that because I am a loving person. I love being in love and loving someone but with all that happened it makes me sick. I do believe that you can cause yourself to attract this kind of guy, but you need to do everything to stop it if you really want someone loyal. Don't pay attention to those back-stabbing boyfriends of your friends. Wait for the right guy who is going to make you number one:), you deserve it. And thanks, I know I do too and thus my decision.
Author Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 I do want someone loyal but like I have stated above, I find it hard to trust men. I think that is my issue here. With what I went through, it makes me wonder all the time when I am asked out by a guy. My ex chose not to tell me the truth of his reason to break it off with me. I found out much later what the reason was so that also became an issue. I don't mind waiting for the one but I do miss dating. When I do g out dating with guys, when I start to develop a crush or feeling for that guy... I pull back.
White Flower Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I do want someone loyal but like I have stated above, I find it hard to trust men. I think that is my issue here. With what I went through, it makes me wonder all the time when I am asked out by a guy. My ex chose not to tell me the truth of his reason to break it off with me. I found out much later what the reason was so that also became an issue. I don't mind waiting for the one but I do miss dating. When I do g out dating with guys, when I start to develop a crush or feeling for that guy... I pull back. Yeah, it can be hard to believe in a gender when you have seen them pursue you over and over while they're attached to someone else. Just try to focus on what you want; eventually you will get it!
Author Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Yeah, it can be hard to believe in a gender when you have seen them pursue you over and over while they're attached to someone else. Just try to focus on what you want; eventually you will get it! ROFL. Yes it is hard to trust again when they keep pursuing you! I do focus on what I want. Finding one right now isn't exactly my first priority but it'd be nice to have one before the year's ove! I haven't dated any guy seriously but dated quite a number of guys casually. 2 of them are quite secretive and like Norajane mentioned maybe drop by unexpectedly at their place, which come to think of it I did once last week and he didn't even invite me in. I actually dropped by to send a book of his that I borrowed and was in the neighborhood so I figured why the hell not! Well, he could be busy or his place was untidy but that really made me think. He hasn't called since but I did receive a few calls which no one said anything on the other end!!
torranceshipman Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Hey Leia, I think you should think about it the other way around - there are many men out there but there are only a few who are good enough to date you! You seem independent, sweet, trusting, and if you are also pretty you'll get a lot of men attracted to you, not all with great motives, who may think that if you are the naive type it might be easy to pull the wool over your eyes a bit. But don't change, you seem like a sweet girl - and don't beat yourself up for 'falling' for lies, as the bad guys are the ones in the wrong not you! Theres a great guy out there for you, who has a better character than these silly little boys who have been messing you around, and you'll find him - keep the faith! (-; In the meantime whenever you discover a lie from any guy, drop him like hot potato cause he;s not that great guy!
Author Leia Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Wow you said it! I must say there are only a few. A lot of the good guys are taken (not the ones that hit on me!), related to me or well, gay! Thank you, Torranceshipman for your compliments . I like the fact that I seem naive to some guys because they will be in for a surprise when they see how well I know men... well, some at least from what I have experienced! I have learned a lot and I am suer I have more to learn about relationships and of course men! They say we're hard to read, pfffttt... they have no idea! Sometimes when I have nothing to do, I'd start thinking of men and there's a tiny voice in me telling me that there is a great guy out there but then a big voice would tell me that that guy also can't be trusted!! You have no idea how bad I want to trust guys but I just can't seem to right now. I've tried... so many times but the guys will just prove me right that they can't be trusted! I can handle hot potatoes better than a cheating lying buy!!!
Freddy Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 I'm wondering if you are attracted to the same type of guys. Are most of these guys clean cut, good looking player looking type guys? Are they smooth talkers and tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes if it's too good to be true then it probably is. Maybe your dating too much and should take sometime off and then only go out with people that have the qualities you want besides what I stated above.
Author Leia Posted November 27, 2007 Author Posted November 27, 2007 Thanks for your respond. To be honest with you, the players were not good looking at all! These guys I mentioned, they were average looking. My ex (the one that didn't cheat on me) was the only good looking guy I have ever been with! Don't be fooled, most players I know are average looking... some are not even average looking! I don't fall for sweet-talkers so much.... I think it was the way we connect. I am not dating at all right now, I haven't dated for quite some time.
MrMichael Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I can relate with how you must feel, not that my x's were all atttached, but more so on the succes rate I have had...> leads me to NOT trust, I think this is not forever or at least I hope not. I think we all have to go through some hills and valleys before mr or ms right come along, me myself is the hardest believer in this, but I chalk it up to where are those relationships now?
Author Leia Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 The longer I have been here, the more I realize there are people out there in the same boat as I am. I want to be able to love someone without having to share that person with anyone else so being the OW would not do it for me. Being with someone who cheats would not do it for me either because I will constantly questioning him about his whereabouts and other things. It's easier to just let go and move on. At this point in my life, I don't know if Mr. Right is out there... I know there is but I'm not in a rush to find out. I hope it isn't forever for us both... not to trust anyone. It wouldn't be fair to them.. or even us, right?
JHS Posted January 21, 2008 Posted January 21, 2008 Well, I don't know the answers but there's definitely nothing wrong with you physically. You're a beauty.
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