i know he loves me but you can love someone but not want to be with them

[rebecca1214]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years now, since we were in high school together. We are both young, 21 years old, and we just had a baby together January of 2007. I know we love eachother very much, but I think people can love one another, even if they truly do not want a relationship. People ask if I'm married because I have a child and I always lie and tell them I'm engaged. They ask when the wedding will be and I tell them we are not sure yet. But the truth is that my boyfriend has already told me, and other people, he will never marry me or anyone else for that matter. It hurts me a little because I feel stupid for being with someone who I know will never marry me even though I am the mother of his child. Marriage is not a big deal to me, but I would like to have a special wedding day sometime when I'm older. We have discussed marriage privately many times and he refuses. He stands by his word when he says he will never marry any woman ever, not even me. I avoid the subject as much as possible because I do not like to talk about it. But when people see that we have a child, naturally they ask if or when we are going to get married and it's embaressing when he tells them never. I'm not trying to push marriage on him or anything, I don't even want to get married until my late twenties...my personal decision. But the whole marriage thing is not the only thing that bothers me. Sometimes I think I expect too much. Like if I'm sick, I think he could make things a little easier on me, take care of me a little, watch the baby for me so I can rest, but if he does not want to, he will get angry and complain and tell me I'm not a baby and I can take care of myself. He is not physically abusive and never has been, he's not that type of person at all. But sometimes he just does not care. period. Once he got drunk at a friend's house and passed out over there and did not come home until 12 o' clock in the afternoon the following day. (it happend once before when our baby was only a month old!) He did not cheat on me or anything like that, I know that FOR A FACT. But, I was still very upset because I was worried, had no idea where he was, called his friends and family. And he didn't even call once to let me know what was going on. He came home, I told him how angry I was and all he could say is "I'm sorry, i fell asleep, what more can i do but say sorry?".....that makes me so angry. It just feels like he doesn't care. If I threaten to leave, he doesn't care, because he figures I'm not going anywhere. And I don't really have anywhere to go. And I am trying to do whatever it takes for our child. I try to tell him my feelings, one on one. He completely shuts down and does not talk. He always has some kind of excuse for his actions. If I push a topic on him to get some answers, he will get angry and leave. He tells me he loves me, and he opens up sometimes, but most of the time he doesn't. We don't hold hands anymore like we used to, I'm lucky if we kiss once a day, we don't have sex that much anymore (partly because with a baby there are only certain times that is possible) and we never do anything with just the two of us. I do not feel loved but at the same time I know he loves me. I just don't know that he wants to be with me. He tells me I can't tell him what to do or how to live so I should not even try to. Is he just too young to be commited this way? Is it just me? Will he love someone in the future enough to marry them?? I don't know how to make it change. I know you can't change a person, but is there anyone with some advice out there? i need it...

[rebecca1214]

a lot of people have read my thread but nobody out there has any advice?? or nobody cares?? it is easy for everyone to say "screw him and screw that" or "young kids are so dumb", maybe i am just dumb and young, but that doesn't mean i dont need any advice about this..?? anyone??

[Star Gazer]

I know I speak for many in telling you this. When I open up a thread and see a VERY LONG run-on paragraph like the one you've written, I almost always just immediately exit out of the thread because it takes far too much effort to distill what you're saying into cognizant thoughts.

 

Pare it down into appropriate paragraphs and I'm sure you'll get a better response.

[asilisa]

rebecca1214 did you ever ask your boyfriend why he doesn't want to get married?

 

I don't have much advice for you because I myself and pretty young and never felt like I wanted to marry someone. All I can say is do you really feel like you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you know loves you but doesn't show his love? My ex was a lot like this and I loved him and still do but when I really took a good look at the situation I knew I didn't want to marry him. If you truly want to marry him then the two of you need to have a serious talk. How long has he been like this? Perhaps its just a bump in the road? IDK I'm sorry I couldn't help more...I hope it all works out for you.

[rebecca1214]

thanks for the advice, i know my thread is pretty long but i wanted to get the big picture across otherwise people would ask too many questions and i would not get the advice im looking for.

 

i dont know that i want to marry him. maybe i dont. it's just the fact that he thinks im not good enough to marry but im good enough to have his baby, it makes no sense to me. and i guess i want to be the one he wants to marry, even if neither of us want to get married, i just want to know that i am the one he wants forever i guess. and he doesnt show it.

[asilisa]

I know how you feel Rebecca. I had the same feelings about my ex and I. I didn't want to marry him but I wanted him to want to marry me. Truthfully I probably would have married him if he asked because I was just that stupid. But we broke up and he actually told me I'm not good enough to marry...but who is he to say that? I just want to let you know you aren't alone. Someday you'll find someone who wants to marry you or you'll knock some sense into your boyfriend...which ever works out better

[hollaxatholly]

thanks for the advice, i know my thread is pretty long but i wanted to get the big picture across otherwise people would ask too many questions and i would not get the advice im looking for.

 

i dont know that i want to marry him. maybe i dont. it's just the fact that he thinks im not good enough to marry but im good enough to have his baby, it makes no sense to me. and i guess i want to be the one he wants to marry, even if neither of us want to get married, i just want to know that i am the one he wants forever i guess. and he doesnt show it.

 

 

I would maybe try not to worry about marriage right now, he is with you isn't he? and he never did say you weren't good enough for marriage...he said he didn't want to marry ANYONE, not just you. I don't really have any good advice for you, but maybe he is just scared, you all are still young and have time for all of that stuff...maybe you won't want to marry him! I'd just ignore it a little bit, give it a few more years and maybe he'll be ready...as long as you all are still together and he is taking care of the baby. no offense, but he doesn't sound like a total winner anyways, maybe he isn't the guy for you, things happen for a reason, and maybe this is just how it's supposed to be...give it some time. sounds like you need a man who will take care of you...and he seems to have some issues...sounds a little bit immature..but i guess you can't change him...maybe counseling or something...good luck

[sally4sara]

Don't look at it as his not wanting to ever marry someone is the same as you not being good enough for him to want to marry. A person can just not want to ever get married.

But this isn't really the issue is it? You don't feel loved and he feels like there are no consequences for his actions. You stated you have no where to go. You really REALLY need to change that. Right now he owns you as much as he owns, say, a dog or a video game system so why treat you any better? I'm not saying it's right or he is justified in treating you this way, but he has never had to face a relationship with consequences. The two of you have been together since you were 16 years old. If you make the changes for yourself to be able to leave should you ever need to, he will have to decide if he has to do better to keep you.

[Racquel Colette]

No, a man who says they love you but don't want a relationship doesn't really love you.

He says he won't ever marry anyone, but he will meet a woman who will change his thinking because he truly will love her.

[sally4sara]

No, a man who says they love you but don't want a relationship doesn't really love you.

He says he won't ever marry anyone, but he will meet a woman who will change his thinking because he truly will love her.

 

AND get a life and quit stalking me freak.

I spent my night all warm and happy.....this is how you spent your night?

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

i feel the same way when i put up my thread and its not even that long i put it into small paragraphs nice and short and no response!!!!...GRRRRRR!

 

well rebecca i am young too younger than you i am 18 years old but i know how you feel....well i just want to tell you that you dont deserve the type of treatment your bf gives you...look it seems to me that your bf instead of being at home helping you with the baby and takin care of you, would rather be outside like when he used to when he was single and is drinking passing out...maybe he has alot in his mind and since hes young he doesnt know how to deal with it and drinking is the only way he feels will make him feel better...trust me thats what i do when i have the chance to drink and have problems that i dont know how to handle...he might love you but hes confused..i mean the way hes acting shows that he just doesnt want to be with you and doesnt feel the same way for you as he used to..

 

some men are scared of marriage because they think once they get married they are trapped and everythig is going to change and it doesnt have to be that way...a marriage is something beautiful where you can spend everyday with the person you love and wake up with their face in front of yours and their arm around your waist...then getting up and having breakfast toguether....its beautiful.. but i think some men think about it very hard and dont want to make a mistake and get married and then getting a divorce a couple years later or even months like every one is doing now...everyone is taking marriage as a game.. like a new toy that later on will get old because you already played with and gets boring so you give it away...and i think thats what many of those men think about... they want to be sure they will be with that person forever and will never leave them for anything or no one...

 

i have a friend who just had her baby like a month ago almost 2 and she is only 17 as well as her bf...they both practically live toguether..that boy helps her hes always taking care of her and the baby..we can all see that he really loves her very much and the baby...but he tells my friend that he will never get married.. he says hes scared of marriage..its not that he doesnt love her..

 

sit him down and have a talk with him..first warn him that you have many questions for him and to not be mad..ask him why he would never marry you? why is it that he decided for you to have his baby but wont marry you? ask him if he loves you...tell him your there for him and that you want to listen to everything he has to say to you but to not hold anything from you and to let his feelings out...

 

(kinda long sorry)

 

i hope i was of help....good luck

[rebecca1214]

thank you all for the advice, it is helpful to me and I am going to live my life day by day and not worry about marriage or what my love life will be like in the future because in reality, you can not control what the future holds anyways. Maybe he will eventually grow up. or maybe he wont. Maybe I will know what I want when I am a little older and maybe he won't be what I want. Things will find ways of working out. I can't mold him into some perfect man who does everything I want and makes no mistakes. He does need to realize when he is wrong and not continue to make the same mistakes and act like he's still 16. If he doesn't, eventually I won't put up with it and instead of being sad, I'll be angry, but I'll be fine.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

being sad makes time go so much slower and makes you more deppressed...im working to follow my own advice sometimes lol....its different when your actually living a hard situation..dont expect anything because things change over time it can be for better or for worse..just keep staying strong especially because your a women with a baby...give an example to your baby..this life is harsh it sucks phat diick...be strong ok...