sedgwick Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Yes. I know. I KNOW how ridiculous this sounds, believe me, I do. I know that this is akin to the days when I was anorexic and stood in front of the mirror in the middle of the summer shivering (because no matter how hot it was, I had no body fat and was always therefore cold), having a panic attack over the enormity of my ass. I KNOW. And yet, I've written two paragraphs in the three weeks since I returned from Mexico. I sit and stare at my computer and I loathe my book because it's not a musical instrument. I tell myself things like, oh, anyone could get a book deal with (name of publisher withheld), it's no big whoop, but it takes REAL talent to play the BASS. ANYONE can become a published author, but only the elite savant f*cking intelligentsia can play bass in a f*cking hillbilly jugband. I feel like I'm seriously losing my mind. I just want to hide. I feel like he's sitting out there somewhere with all his hillbilly fiddle-playin' friends and they're all laughing at me with my piddly little book and my piddly little dance company and the two piddly little knitting commissions for which I just bought yarn. When I went to the yarn store today, the shop owner (who rocks) asked me to teach a class, told me that there was actually no more room for instructors but she was going to make a class for me to teach because she loved watching me teach people to knit (I've filled in there in the past when she's needed help in the shop, and she's seen me teach customers.) She said she couldn't believe I'd only been knitting for two years. Blah blah blah. And I thought: but it's nothing, really, because it's not MUSIC, and only musicians are worth anything, so maybe I should turn it down because it's so embarrassing to think anything but music is worthwhile. I don't believe this about other people. I am in awe of those who can write and dance and knit. But somehow when it's me it's not only meaningless and unimpressive, it's sad and pathetic. Like, oh, there's poor little Sedgwick, look at all the sad little ways she fills her time since she can't play music. A woman came into the yarn shop today with a viola, and I didn't realize that's what was in the case. It just looked like a suitcase. She was having trouble with short-row shaping (hi, I'm a dork, knitting lingo, thanks), so I showed her how to do it, and she was all impressed, and I made some kind of joke about her suitcase full of yarn, and she said, "Oh, it's a suitcase full of viola, I play in an orchestra." I almost started crying, thinking: a viola is just a little bass. It's just a big fiddle. She's worth something. I'm worth nothing. I have no right to even be standing here in the same room with her. I had to walk away before I cried; I was so humiliated to think I had the right to speak to her. I know how stupid I sound. Believe me, I know. I know I sound nigh unto psychotic. But it's how I feel. It's why I can't write. I walk down the street and I imagine that people are laughing at me for not being a musician. The mailman came into the yarn store when I was there yesterday and today he came back (when I wasn't there) and asked the shop owner who I was, saying, "She's so cute! Is she married?" So the shop owner told me this and was laughing and kidding me about dating the mailman (who's like 50 years old and 5 feet tall, so no, not exactly an option), and all I could think was, "But why would he like me? I'm not a musician." Sometimes it feels like there will never be any joy again. (And please, please, if all you have to say to me is that I'm stupid and need to grow up and wear my big girl panties, please just don't. I KNOW I'm stupid, believe me. I KNOW I'm pathetic. It's just that before the world was full of color, and now it's just, well, gray.)
melodymatters Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 What on earth do you WANT us to say ? We can't give you a virtual "slap", as you requested that we didn't do that. Sedge, can YOU think of a way to "nicely" point out that somone is throwing away their talents, career and life over ONE ex boyfriends tunnel vision ? Yes, your ex decided you needed to be a fiddle player. We all know thats insane and unhealthy. But what do you do ? YOU jump RIGHT on the crazy train with him. What if he only could love a woman with one eye ? would you get the forcepts out and blind youself ? I am starting to think that perhaps you need outside help. If you've been an anorexic ( as have I) you realize when your mind starts to play cruel tricks on you, tricks that can DESTROY your body or mind. YOU see this going on, but your going to just keep "starving" youself. To me, that says you can't handle this alone, and we here at LS can only do so much. Treat this as anorexia and get some help before you ruin your mental and physical health, not to mention your career. This has become a very unhealthy obsession.
randuff Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 wear my big girl panties I prefer little thongs I bet once you channel your energy from thinking about him and his stupidness then you will write one kick ass book!!!
Author sedgwick Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 Oh god, I've been in therapy for years. Years!! I guess I just kind of needed to say it. And if all it took was losing one eye to get him to love me? If I could open the one eye I had left and see him there beside me? In a heartbeat. I'd do it tomorrow.
MattyTee Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Time for a new therapist! It's time for a mantra! Me me me me me me me! Every time you think of him, say it.
Author sedgwick Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 I love my therapist. Guys, please, I don't need you to tell me I'm crazy. Do you think I don't know? Do you think my therapist doesn't CBT me to death trying to get me over this? Of course she does. But it doesn't help. All that will help is him telling me that what I do is worth something and that I have his permission to do it. YES I KNOW THIS IS CRAZY. Saying things like "get help" and "time for a new therapist" doesn't help either. If anyone knows how to delete this post I'll do it. I'm trying but I can't figure out how. I'm sorry I've bothered everyone.
MattyTee Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 I'm sorry Sedge, I think it's just that people here care for you and we don't really know what to do. People just want you to turn around and look at yourself and realise what a talented, gifted person you are, regardless of the existence of anyone else. There are many people out there who don't have the gifts you have been blessed with. This is actually an obsession, I'm sure that you know that. You are giving every tiny last drop of your own power away to someone else and they don't even know it. The only person that can help you, is you. You know that! You also know that you have a great worth, otherwise you wouldn't be writing "YES I KNOW THIS IS CRAZY". I'm sorry, but you wouldn't. So that part of Sedgwick that knows that has to be reached somehow and the only way that's going to happen is if someone manages to get past those walls you've put up. You don't want to be powerful, you don't want to be gifted and yet you are, so the walls go up and you protect yourself. You let yourself be meak, be un-noticed, powerless. Why? Probably because you are afraid. I'm no psychologist and I probably have very little wisdom to offer but I can see a little bit of what is going on. Are you afraid that if you reach that inner power you might not want him any more, you might not need his permission to be incredible? People who are incredible can fail right, they can fall from grace? Perhaps you are afraid that if you are incredible you might fail? Perhaps you feel like you already have failed? I don't know! I'm guessing! But I just thought I would try out a bit of tough love (and yes, I know I'm crap at it). Maybe you do love your therapist but maybe it's time to find someone who challenges you a bit? This thing, whatever it is, that is holding such power over you only can because you let it. Name it, spend some time meditating, find it ... and name it! Say, I'm obsessed and mean it. Once these things have been uncovered they are easier to battle. I wish you the best with it Sedg, I really do and I'm sorry if my comment offended or hurt you. Actually, just wanted to add this: I think the reason you keep posting is because that part of you that knows it's crazy keeps begging for help. You are waiting for someone else to magically give you the power that you already have. It's in you, the strength but it's going to take a little digging out.
quankanne Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 And I thought: but it's nothing, really, because it's not MUSIC, and only musicians are worth anything, so maybe I should turn it down because it's so embarrassing to think anything but music is worthwhile. damn you, sedge, I'm green with envy. Because for the life of me I cannot manipulate knitting needles, they frustrate the hell out of me and I admire those folks who make it look so incredibly simple. My mom was like that with crocheting, my girlfriend Julie can do amazing things with a pot of glue and a bit of paper. Me? I'm a freaking klutz. Even when it comes to writing, which is my profession. Oh, I can hammer out a decent news story, but features kick my butt every time because I have no imagination. Or rather, because I've convinced myself that even if I could do it, it's crap. so on the one hand, I completely identify with your annoyance at not being able to accomplish a goal you've set out to do, but on the other hand, I can see that you've got an incredible gift that not a lot of us have. You might not think doing handiwork in the guise of knitting is all that special, but me and that chick who plays the viola are amazed that you "get" it. That takes a certain kind of understanding – dare I say it? – of getting INTO the project and knowing exactly how to make that magic work for you ... so don't beat yourself over what you feel are unworthy accomplishments, but seriously look at why you're so good at this one particular thing and see if you can't apply it to other areas. It's definitely worth a try, you know? now, explain to me just why the hell can working yarn on two pointy needles with no hooks actually work?! I understand crocheting, but knitting is completely beyond me. Intellectually, I get it, but once it gets into my hands, I'm a lost cause ...
Author sedgwick Posted November 25, 2007 Author Posted November 25, 2007 You put all the stitches on the needle in your left hand, and take them off one at a time by pulling a bit of yarn through each one with the needle in your right hand. Your right hand does all the work; your left hand just kinda hangs out. When you hold the needles, the ends point up (like, imagine you're holding two pencils with the erasers pointing toward your lap and the writing end pointing toward the ceiling) and you're using the point of the one in your right hand to pluck bits of yarn off the one in your left. Gravity: keeps your stitches from falling off the needles! Seriously, though, I have yet to meet the person I can't teach to knit in under 20 minutes. The life skills that utterly baffle me with their impossibility: music, drawing, anything to do with numbers in any way whatsoever, 3D animation, singing, carpentry, video games, and meditation. Oh, and any sort of writing that has to do with research. I can talk about how I feel until the cows come home; adjectives are a girl's best friend, but don't ask me to look up a statistic or be succinct. I can't order lunch in less than 10,000 words. But yeah, knitting, just takes practice. I learned how, got obsessed, and finished a 6-foot scarf the first day. By the end of the month I'd made a sweater and was halfway through another one. You just have to decide that yarn is the most awesome thing ever invented in the history of the known universe, and from there on out the rest is cake.
carrotgirl Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 Hey Sed? Big girl panties doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel any particular way, only that you have to be responsible for yourself regardless. There are a whole bunch of people here who genuinely care for you, albeit across the virtual divide. I'll go out on the limb and say it seems like we're seeing a really great woman jumping into the snake pit. No one here would say (or has said) you're stupid. But hear me with the gentleness and respect I'm writing with.... Your expressions of self loathing have gotten more than a little scary to read. Okay, you love your therapist but maybe it's time for another pro to help huh? One who will work in tandem with the counselor you love to help get where you need to be to function? Carrot
carrotgirl Posted November 25, 2007 Posted November 25, 2007 And Sed? When was the last time you went to dance practice? Are you still going?
serendip Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 Hey Sed? Big girl panties doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel any particular way, only that you have to be responsible for yourself regardless. There are a whole bunch of people here who genuinely care for you, albeit across the virtual divide. I'll go out on the limb and say it seems like we're seeing a really great woman jumping into the snake pit. No one here would say (or has said) you're stupid. But hear me with the gentleness and respect I'm writing with.... Your expressions of self loathing have gotten more than a little scary to read. Okay, you love your therapist but maybe it's time for another pro to help huh? One who will work in tandem with the counselor you love to help get where you need to be to function? Carrot I agree with Carrot I have read some of your posting and to be honest...I don't think you not being a musician has anything to do with your ex breaking up with you. It just sounds like he made up an excuse to avoid conflict. It's lame of the dude not to give you a real explanation for the breakup.
sb129 Posted November 26, 2007 Posted November 26, 2007 And I thought: but it's nothing, really, because it's not MUSIC, and only musicians are worth anything, so maybe I should turn it down because it's so embarrassing to think anything but music is worthwhile. Oh man do I know how this feels. My ex is a record producer and I think thats one of the things that attracted me to him, if he had been a plumber I doubt I would have looked twice at him. He also turned out to be an a*****hole I used to think that ANY creative job is cooler than mine, and I am green with envy at people who actually make an awesome living out of being creative. Especially music. BUT. I still work with my hands, I have much better people skills than alot of musicians I know, I get to go home at 5 and if I go to a gig its by choice, not necessity to eat or pay the bills. I earn enough money to own an awesome music collection, get lessons in things now and again, go to gigs and festivals and still switch off from the narcissists and ego stroking. The grass may look greener, but don't forget to actually look at your own grass once in a while. If you focus too much on the grass on the other side of the fence, thats all you will see.
Author sedgwick Posted November 26, 2007 Author Posted November 26, 2007 serendip...the thing is, i almost think that in this case that may be EXACTLY the reason. his obsession with old-time music is the stuff of legend. when i first started seeing him, one of his friends said, "there's obsessive, and then there's j." and when i told two other people who know him well that he'd dumped me and that was why, they said, "that sounds so stupid, but coming from j, we can believe it." his whole life is old-time music, and i think he just couldn't deal with there being any aspect of his life that wasn't about that. i think he felt a tremendous amount of guilt about spending time doing anything that didn't have to do with fiddle 'n' banjo, and he thought that he could deal with having a girlfriend if she, too, fed the obsession. he makes a living playing music, all his friends are through music, and when he has a break from playing music, he wants to play music for fun. he knows almost nothing about books, film, dance, or any other art form. the walls of his apartment are papered with old-time record covers. he has six victrolas and gets massive boxes of 78s from ebay at least twice a week. he has an 80 gig ipod filled exclusively with music recorded before 1940, and two hard drives more for when he gets tired of what's on the ipod. once when we were in bed i asked him what he liked and he said, "fiddle tunes." i have never, ever, EVER in my life met anyone who is obsessed with ANYTHING to this degree. my friends referred to him as rainman. we're talking about a dude who has no less than one dozen different versions of "turkey in the straw" at his disposal in multiple formats at any given moment. there were times when he would come to my house after an old-time festival and he'd smell horrific, and it would be because he hadn't bathed the entire time, because that would have meant not playing music for ten minutes. he also regularly forgets to eat, because if there's someone with a fiddle within a 20-mile radius, he can't be bothered with food. i am not exaggerating about any of this in any way. i wish i were. and carrot, i dance all the time.
melodymatters Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 So, he's obsessed with the fiddle, and you, are obsesed with him. At least you have THAT in commen Ok, I'm going to support you now, since nothing less will do ! You HAVE to either: Take up the fiddle or Use your connections to get into the music industry, specifically old time fiddle blue grass or whatever it's called and enter his world completely. Work in a studio, a record co, befriend the BEST fiddle player in the world, and approach them about writing a book about them. Write for a music magazine. start a dance troupe that dances to old time blue grass etc... I think you get what I'm saying. You need to enter HIS world, using YOUR strengths. I managed an ex's recording studio because I was a business woman, I got him business in the audio book world through theatre contacts,stuff like that. ( Note -any posters who think I'm co-dependant, man pleasing, crazy, please read my other responses to the OP )
carrotgirl Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Ok, I'm going to support you now, since nothing less will do ! You HAVE to either: Take up the fiddle or Use your connections to get into the music industry, specifically old time fiddle blue grass or whatever it's called and enter his world completely. Work in a studio, a record co, befriend the BEST fiddle player in the world, and approach them about writing a book about them. Write for a music magazine. start a dance troupe that dances to old time blue grass etc... I think you get what I'm saying. You need to enter HIS world, using YOUR strengths. Yah. All good but let's not gloss over that bit where Sed blithely offered up her EYE if it would get her the object of her obsession. Carrot
cant let go Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 sedg, i love you girl. i don't even know you, but your posts are my favorites to read on here because you are so filled with passion. the subject just made me laugh so hard. i know that you already know that what you are feeling is ridiculous and you've humorously made light of that fact throughout. but you know what? just cause it sounds ridiculous doesn't mean that you shouldn't express that you feel it. we are all coping here and a little honesty about how crappy we feel is a step toward healing. i just hope you can see humor in the situation. i think you do, i hope you do otherwise i may be offending you. i do not mean to offend you. keep posting no matter how crazy you sound! one day you will be okay and you can look back at these posts and laugh. oh...and i'd totally give up my eye as well
sb129 Posted November 27, 2007 Posted November 27, 2007 Sedgwick, your ex sounds TOO obsessive with his music. There isn't any room for anything else in his life, even food or hygiene- you could liken him to a heroin addict. An addicts first love is drugs, and they won't ever be able to love anyone else truly and have a good healthy R until drugs are out of their lives. Your ex's obsession sounds just about as unhealthy as this- imagine if you HAD stayed together? What kind of father would he be? You are well rid, consider yourself as a healthy balanced individual who deserves love from another healthy balanced individual.
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