Marriage emotionally exhausting after 18 mos?

[django]

Hi,

 

My wife and I have been married for over a year and a half, and I'm really turned off by her. She wakes up complaining, talking about her ADD medicines, and how that makes it hard for her to function. She comes home complaining about her depression medicines, and howthat makes it hard for her tofunction. She goes to be complaining about her anxiety medicines, andhow that makes it hard for her to function.

 

Her various mental illnesses have credibility, but I think alot of it has to do with creating a aura of inculpability for anything she can't do. It seems like she has trouble attending to tasks only when it doesn't involve her. She spends hours promoting herself, doing schoolwork, talking to the right people, but can't do the dishes or clean up or stop thinking about herself long enough to ask me what I'm up to, and when she does ask, she's doing so to make sure I'm "on task."

 

She's exceptionally cruel and demanding, at times. She requires I come to social functions with her, and I am always the only sposue or significant other in attendance. She requires constant praise for the things she does right. She is always late, and doesn't care about who in might inconvenience--usually she is late because she started doing her makeup at the time she should have been present somewhere. She requires constant reassurance that I care for her, think she is beautiful, isn't getting fat, etc. But she is putting on weight, and tells me that its my fault for buying frozen pizzas (and I'm the only one who really goes to the grocery store). When I'm upset with her over something that I consider a routine marital disagreement, she cries and cries until I talk to her, sometimes I have to lock myself in a room to stay away.

 

 

She is extraordinarily self-interested. She's an artist, and she is incapable of not bringing this up. No one asks her what she does, she just steers the conversation toward this, and will then monopolize the conversation afterwards, mentioning most of her resume along the way. She is a very gifted drawer, but she essentially finds pcitures on the internet and copies them in paint. She explains her ideas, but never tells anyone that essentially she typed her idea into google and copied the resulting images exactly.

 

She can be violent with me. She recently said something incredibly insensitive in front of our friends (she somehow thinks that being in grad school puts her in the "breadwinner" position, and she mentioned this and then said that I don't really do anything because I work 40 hours a week, take care of the house, etc) and I called her on it, and went a little too far in pointing how errant she was, I admit. But she started crying profusely, and buried her head in a nearby pillow. When I went to say I was sorry, she kicked me in the leg, though she was aiming for my privates. She throws things at me, makes snide comments about my career (on the day we got married, she woke up next to me and said "I just don't want to live in an apartment the rest of my life"), tells me I'm not going anywhere, etc.

 

The thing is that I was pretty successful when we met--not moneywise, but creatively. I'd been publishing poems and essays with fair frequency, got a few fellowships, was playing jazz in a few clubs, and my outlook was very good. Now, I can't bring myself to write anything, I haven't picked up the guitar in months, and I don't remember what it was like to look forward to something. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.

 

It wasn't always like this, of course. It seems like things got progressively worse almost immediately after we got engaged. Am I somehow in the wrong for thinking this way?

[Tripper]

I've a few questions...

 

How long did you know here before you got married?

How long were you engaged??

Did you know about her ADD, depression and anxiety before you married her??

If it got worse during the engagement, why didn't you call it off..?

[PandorasBox]

Now, I can't bring myself to write anything, I haven't picked up the guitar in months, and I don't remember what it was like to look forward to something. I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.

 

Do you think you feel this way due to her? You can't fix her, but you can fix you. I'm sure this is hard and frustrating to deal with.

 

I'm assuming you knewe she had ADD and other illness before you all were married?

[Trialbyfire]

Does she have any redeeming qualities? Do you have any flaws?

[JackJack]

I'm going with TBF on this.

 

Is there anything you like about your wife? Does she do anything that is good and positive? It seems you're picking out alot of the not so good things.

 

Maybe she makes it about her, because she doesn't feel she is being heard or supported?

[Passionate69]

Sorry to hear about that, i feel your pain people who have a mental illness can be very exhausted and can drain your energy.

 

You need more to be strong and always be positive, but there are times you feel like you want to give up.

i hope She realize how lucky she have you and appreciate your effort.

 

If you have no children with Her i'll say drop Her like a hot potato, there are a lot of good,caring and beautiful Women out there who will be happy to have you. life is too short to spend it in unhappy life.

[whichwayisup]

I think right now you are realizing how serious her mental illness is. You may have fallen inlove with her when she's UP, but didn't really see the other stuff..

 

Is she on meds for her depression? Does she see a therapist/P-Doc? The negative stuff is just part of her frame of mind due to the depression. I'm wondering though if she isn't bipolar as well.

 

If you don't have kids yet, hold off on it.

 

You need to understand her illnesses, seek some counselling for you too, because living with a depressed spouse isn't easy. It takes alot of love, patience, and independence on your behalf to stick around. Problem is, I'm not too sure if you love your wife enough to want to stick it out.

 

Get some counselling in, see how things are in afew months, think about your options, but don't just throw in the towel quite yet.

[hidee79]

Your first priority is yourself. You are not her daddy; only parents are supposed to love unconditionally. A husband and wife's love is conditional, because it's based upon continuous respect between peers. It's not your duty to put up with any sort of abuse (if situations were reversed, and she was a man kicking you, you would have left).

 

Separate. Maybe both of you will find life is happier without each other. But obviously, the status quo is not working. And the definition of craziness is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.

 

Once there is separation, maybe then you can consider therapy. But some breathing room is in order! You need to find passion in your work again, and re-fill yourself.

 

There is no shame whatsoever in taking a break. Assert your boundaries now. Regain yourself again.

[kittenhead]

so i read yuor post and i feel for you. im going through a similiar situation...i just married my husband and we are having some problems.

 

i bet im sort of like your wife... i'm an artist...late...selfish...insecure. and it manifests similarly.

 

i would ease up on the whole responsibility thing with her and her art. i want to go get my MFA as well and having been to a school where ther give those degrees, its real serious pressure...she needs to network so that she can maintain the possibility of living off her work...if not already, but i presume that is the goal.

 

however, she should not be demonizing you though in front of people..yuck.

[kittenhead]

most importantly, why did you fall in love?