Why do men sometimes act like little boys?

[dabeckrock]

I am in a relationship with a male and we just had a frustrating several days.

 

I am firm on my feelings, but just need to hear if possibly I am being too harsh or what not. I guess sometimes I can be a bit intense.

It's a long story, so bear with me, if you will.

 

I hit a Buck doing 80 mph in my VW recently. It not only terrified me, but it was hands-down the most horrifying experience I've had to date (beating out my assault/mugging incident two years prior, believe it or not). I was stranded, alone, for several hours on this country road, waiting for the police to come. It was pitch black and freezing cold. Awful. Oh, and the Buck killed my car. It took my insurance company two days to finally get me a rental, thus allowing me to go to work (I live 40 mins from where I work). I had the rental for less than a week before it got a flat leaving me stranded, again, at 9pm with a 8am meeting staring me in the face the next morning (a mtg I could not miss). Naturally, the car rental office was closed and it took the tow people an hr and a half to show up just to put the donut on my car (I could've done that) when they said they'd actually get me a new, normal tire. I called my boyfriend and he was not answering. After several calls of not leaving a message I left one, during the height of my frustration, venting. In the end, I got another rental car (note: if this happens to you after the car rental office closes, go to the nearest airport, they are open late and always have cars). Then he called me back, we talked, it was over.

 

Or so I thought.

 

He came with me the next day to pick up the new car I bought and he barely spoke a word to me. We went to the office of the dealership, picked up the keys, did the last sign off (this is the first new car I've purchased in 12 yrs so I was mighty excited, yes my VW lasted a long time) and even the salesman asked my boyfriend what was wrong, if he was feeling okay. I was so embarrased.

 

It was like that for a couple more hrs until finally he admitted that the reason he was acting this way (angry, sullen, upset) was that I left him a frustrated vmail the night prior. I then asked him why he didn't say something about that when we talked that night, he said he didn't know, he was "trying to get past it." I was hurt. I apologized profusely and then it seemed to somewhat blow over. So, there I was, confused as to why he couldn't understand that I was venting (NO I didn't insult him, I was just upset that he wasn't around when I needed him and that in less than a week I was in two evil car situations). I also didn't understand why it took so long for him to tell me about it.

 

It gets better.

 

There is a 'thing' between us now, mainly I'm pulling away as a result of this. I still am unable to understand why he behaved this way, thus ruining what could've been a great night and was an important thing to me. Today he says that yes, in part he was angry about my 'nasty' vmail but, more importantly, he didn't know how to act because he knew that there was this expectation out there that picking up and driving my new car would be fun, because I told him how excited I was. So he clammed-up. He didn't know how to be himself because I had an expectation of fun. WTF???

 

Can someone please explain this one to me? I am out of my element here.

I guess if it was me, I'd put my feelings aside about the vmail (and his other reason was that he had a bad day at work) for the sake of the other person. If I was angry about the vmail, I would've said so when we talked that evening, not hold onto it for another day and many hours. In my gut I feel like maybe this guy isn't who I thought he was, that the immaturity of this reaction could be the signs of a troubled future. I mean, this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened. I just want someone to be there for me in all situations.

 

Thoughts, anyone???

[Trialbyfire]

I just want someone to be there for me in all situations.

Is this a realistic expectation? Do you want someone to be there and available, everytime you snap your fingers? Is it acceptable that you vented your frustration on him, when it wasn't his fault? What if he felt amorous one night and called you, and you weren't there for him? Would he have a right to vent on you?

[dabeckrock]

Yes, if he was stranded on the side of the road and upset, YES, he could call me and vent, he'd have a reason to. And I would try my best to calm him down. BUT, if it made him angry, hurt, what not, rather than bottle it up, he should've called me to the floor at the time and you bet your A I would've apologized because, in the heat of the moment, we sometimes say things we regret (which I didn't, I just was steamed about my situation and wished he was there to help).

 

I would do the same for him. It's called empathy.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, if he was stranded on the side of the road and upset, YES, he could call me and vent, he'd have a reason to. And I would try my best to calm him down. BUT, if it made him angry, hurt, what not, rather than bottle it up, he should've called me to the floor at the time and you bet your A I would've apologized because, in the heat of the moment, we sometimes say things we regret (which I didn't, I just was steamed about my situation and wished he was there to help).

 

I would do the same for him. It's called empathy.

You didn't answer my question, framed in the way I asked it.

 

You see him as being responsible for your well-being and if he's not there for you, you get angry. Aren't you responsible for your own well-being?

 

Empathy is sympathizing. It's not about having to take unfair verbal abuse.

[dabeckrock]

The thing is, he didn't take verbal abuse. I was just venting about what crappy luck I have been having and that I was upset about the situation. The only negative thing I said, if you can even call it that, was that I was sad he wasn't around. Not that I want him at my beck and call or anything, just that I could've used his help. I wasn't angry about it, him, or what not, just the situation itself. He was upset that I left a vmail in an upset "tone" not that I yelled at him or anything.

 

In my view, I was hoping for a bit of sympathy. Should I have been all, this is such a great situation, see me smile, when I was stranded like that? My other friends I called, after him, were totally supportive.

[Trialbyfire]

Did you call him after you hit the buck?

[dabeckrock]

Yes, we talked. It was weird, he told me not to call the police/trooper as they couldn't/wouldn't help me and that he would drive the 2 hrs to find me. I disagreed, as I know my insurance company requires it and that a tow truck would be needed. I called the trooper and although it took as long as it did, I needed to get my disabled vehicle off of the interstate. I was so shook up though, I was in a daze for hours after that (not to mention the blood and guts everywhere you looked, caked everywhere).

[dabeckrock]

Also, he got short/angry with me that I didn't agree with him on calling the trooper. It was such a strange response.

[Trialbyfire]

So that's twice he couldn't meet your needs. Think like a guy.

[dabeckrock]

Now, now, if I could think like a guy then would I really be on this message board? My best friend is a guy, I am so going to ask him also. Clearly you're a guy, throw me a bone here and clue me in.

[Trialbyfire]

Hahahahaha....I've been accused of being a guy before.

[dabeckrock]

Nice. The thing is, this guy tells me how much he loves me, wants to marry me, etc, etc, then this sort of thing comes up and everything derails.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm back to my first post. I think you have unreasonable expectations of him.

 

Edit: You feel it's okay for you to vent on him/be upset at him for something beyond his control but it's not okay for him to vent on you and be upset at you.

[dabeckrock]

Well, I didn't get angry at him for the whole trooper thing. I am not that sensitive. Personally, I think he is far too sensitive.

 

But also, what about the way he hung onto the whole thing and acted like a child when I picked-up my car.

 

I say, grow a set.

[Curmudgeon]

Makes me wonder if there's something in his background that doesn't "mix" well with the police.

[Krytie TV]

Well OP, from the tone of your first post, I wouldn't be at all surprised if you went off on him in the voicemail because he wasn't there at the very second you needed him. I'd be pissed off too if I was him. I understand being angry, but there's never an excuse for taking it out on someone who had nothing to do with it.

 

And no, it's not always possible to put everything aside and be all that you want them to be just because you say so. If my gf went off on me for something like that on a voicemail, I'd be pissed for a while.

 

Maybe he's acting like a little boy. Or maybe you're acting like it's your feelings that should matter more than his. I can't know, but I think there may be a bit of both here. It's always easier to blame someone else for things though. Maybe you have a hard time understanding the ways in which you are at fault and choose to put it on him.

[Trialbyfire]

This thread is one of the reasons I love LS. It makes me think about my reactions and behaviours, whether it's from one perspective or the other.

[dabeckrock]

Well, my "tone" may be a bit harsh on that first post, but I wasn't when I called him. I didn't go off on him, I was just yelling about my crappy luck and why am I such a Charlie Brown sometimes, etc. It had nothing to do with him, EXCEPT that I was "sad" that he "wasn't here." That tis all.

 

What I need help understanding, though, is why he couldn't say something to me when he got the message? Why wait a day and a half, and then bring it up, letting it fester. To me that isn't mature nor is it honest.

 

What I love about my two best friends (one is female, one is male) is that if they have a problem with me they tell me at the time. They don't hang on, let things fester, etc, and then punish me later (as he did at the car dealership and that entire evening). I love those relationships because I always know where I stand. Fortunately, or unfortunately, my boyfriend isn't like that. This isn't the first time this has happened, just the first time I've really said anything about it.

 

I'm not perfect, nor do I always say or do what I should say or do. BUT, if I f-up, if I hurt your feelings, if I am insensitive, then I want to be called on it. I deserve to be called on it. I don't deserve to play this I'm angry at you and won't tell you why for hours game.

 

Does that make sense?

[Krytie TV]

I'm not perfect, nor do I always say or do what I should say or do. BUT, if I f-up, if I hurt your feelings, if I am insensitive, then I want to be called on it. I deserve to be called on it. I don't deserve to play this I'm angry at you and won't tell you why for hours game.

 

Does that make sense?

 

I agree with this whole-heartedly and I am the exact same way. I act insensitively sometimes, or rude, or many other ways that put people off at times. What I have learned though, is there are seemingly few people that will call you on it. And if they do, they wait until they've reached their breaking point, thereby blowing up at you for something you didn't realize you were doing.

 

You can wish this of people, but we both know you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect they will do it. If you haven't made this need clear to him, you need to. If you already have, well, you two may just be emotionally incompatible.

 

Just be careful with how you handle being called out. If you get defensive and argue about it, people will stop calling you on things and just avoid the issue or you. If you want him to call you on things, it's imperative that you are receptive and constructive about it when he does.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm going to paraphrase what you've told us. Hope this helps:

• You expect him to be there for you, no matter what.
  
• You had a harrowing experience while hitting a buck and called your b/f. He gave you advice which you decided not to take. I'm guessing that your tone of voice was upset.
  
• You had another experience with your car. You called him several times and left an unhappy voicemail which also suggested that he wasn't able to meet your needs.
  
• He was upset at you and showed it.
  
• Now you're venting on LS that he's being a baby.

[GeminiWoman]

What I need help understanding, though, is why he couldn't say something to me when he got the message? Why wait a day and a half, and then bring it up, letting it fester. To me that isn't mature nor is it honest.

 

What I love about my two best friends (one is female, one is male) is that if they have a problem with me they tell me at the time. They don't hang on, let things fester, etc, and then punish me later (as he did at the car dealership and that entire evening). I love those relationships because I always know where I stand. Fortunately, or unfortunately, my boyfriend isn't like that. This isn't the first time this has happened, just the first time I've really said anything about it.

 

I'm not perfect, nor do I always say or do what I should say or do. BUT, if I f-up, if I hurt your feelings, if I am insensitive, then I want to be called on it. I deserve to be called on it. I don't deserve to play this I'm angry at you and won't tell you why for hours game.

 

Does that make sense?

 

In defense of your bf, some people need time to sort through their feelings. I am one of those who doesn't react 'instantly' when someone says or does something that upsets me. It usually takes me some time to figure out what is bothering me. Then I will approach the other person about it. Although I agree, it's not fair to pout and be silently upset without letting the other person know what is bothering you.

 

You mentioned you think 'he's too sensitive'. You might think he takes things too seriously but that is just the way some people are made. They pick up on the nuances in what other people say and take them to heart. Other people are more self-absorbed and don't really pay attention to what people are saying but people who are good listeners often believe that when someone says something they actually mean it. It's really about two different styles of communicating. Sounds like you two are not in sync.

[CD111]

Really who wants to be with someone that goes off on them when they didn't do anything wrong. So he wasn't there for you the two times your car broke down. Cars breakdown, that's just what happens maybe you should prepare for those situations a little bit and it wouldn't a completely crappy situations that entails calling your bf and him having to listen to you go off on him about something he is totally not responsible for. Now I understand that people just need to vent sometimes, but you have to remember that person doesn't have to just sit there and listen to you b***h. You shouldn't have been pissed when you finally got a hold of him, just grateful that he was there. I think you are the one that is being immature and unrealistic.

 

My car broke down on a dirt road 26 miles from the nearest town in the winter. After walking 11 miles, we finally got a hold of my BF, he was 2.5 hrs away; however, I was only excited to talk to him NO b****ing and even more excited when he finally picked us up after walking 17 miles, most of which were in the dark without a flashlight. To tell you truth I look back now on that situation without any bad feelings. So you're not the only person to experience crappy car situation.

 

Also maybe he is afraid to tell you his true feeling because you will loose your cool

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I'm going to agree with all the other people who said it's something wrong with you, not him.

[dabeckrock]

Well, okay then. I guess that my expectations are too high. What I was really upset about was his silent pouting, not that he wasn't there when I needed him. I still think that he should learn how to speak his mind, not silently pout.

[compassion42]

In defense of your bf, some people need time to sort through their feelings. I am one of those who doesn't react 'instantly' when someone says or does something that upsets me. It usually takes me some time to figure out what is bothering me. Then I will approach the other person about it. Although I agree, it's not fair to pout and be silently upset without letting the other person know what is bothering you.

 

You mentioned you think 'he's too sensitive'. You might think he takes things too seriously but that is just the way some people are made. They pick up on the nuances in what other people say and take them to heart. Other people are more self-absorbed and don't really pay attention to what people are saying but people who are good listeners often believe that when someone says something they actually mean it. It's really about two different styles of communicating. Sounds like you two are not in sync.

 

Gemini is right-You two are not in snync at all. Your expectations are not wrong and neither are his. They are just DIFFERENT and either the two of you can live with these differences or you can't-in which case you should move on.